Orrin Hatch, Would Be Priest of the Flag Worship Cult

Under the influence of a Peyote-spiked humidifier, mixed with an ample helping of Mormon mythology, a prepubescent Orrin Hatch envisioned the U.S. Constitution hanging by a thread. In his delirium, he noticed that the thread was a tattered Red, White and Blue. He saw the country wallowing in debt, drugs and depravity. He further envisioned, to his horror, the Old Glory, a door mat here, a bikini over there, and worst of all, the sodden swaddle of an infant. When he thought it couldn’t get any worse, he then spied hundreds of unkempt citizens burning flags. No, he wailed, not this! Then a voice rang out, "Orrin, save Old Glory and save the country." Waking in a sweat he then knew his destiny was to save the flag and be crowned the Constitution’s unquestioned savior.

Knowing this, you should forgive Orrin for his misguided flag fixation. In his mind, patriotism is not borne of having the most vibrant, free and just democracy in the world but by ensuring, under the threat of prison, that we all revere, worship and display Old Glory in exactly the same manner. To accomplish this he will have himself and others legislatively ordained the High Priests of the Flag Worship Cult. Then, to ensure that no insecure American is ever again offended by some tasteless display of flag abuse, these Priests will instruct us in proper flag worship rituals.

Things could have been different. You see, the prepubescent Orrin woke too soon from his vision and the poor thing never saw it all. With just a little more Peyote in his humidifier, the youthful Orrin would have seen that the alarming rate in flag-burning tendencies in our future citizenry was the result of fascist laws allowing unbridled searches and seizures, unlimited surveillance into our private lives, the elimination of our freedoms of speech and disempowering of "we the people."

Hence, for the love of Pete, we should urge Senator Hatch to get with his buddy Senator Bennett, rev up his old Peyote-spiked humidifier and finish the vision. If he does, he will realize that to ensure proper reverence toward the Old Red, White and Blue, instead of passing laws to force citizens into an outward display of ritual flag worship, he should work to ensure that because of our country’s greatness, a majority of our citizens will, from the bottom of their heartfelt patriotism, voluntarily give Old Glory and maybe even Senator Hatch their due respect.

Loren M. Lambert, January 18, 2003

Corporate Welfare and the Alleged Medical Malpractice Crisis

President Bush says we’re too litigious, and he’s right. Every time there is a disagreement that cannot be resolved, instead of shooting each other, litigation breaks out like zeros in an attorney’s bank account. Then, after all the evidence is presented, either a judge or a jury from the American public decides the outcome. Apparently, the President thinks that placing such trust in the public is as foolhardy as allowing a majority vote to elect the presidency; Both just lead to bad results. He also claims that because we are too litigious, doctors can’t pay for malpractice insurance (which costs are really passed on to us). To solve this problem, he suggests that instead of judges and juries deciding damages, he, congress and the insurance companies should arbitrarily cap them. He is wrong.

In comparison to the enormous profits made, medical malpractice premiums are no more expensive than other liability policies. The fact is that the insurance industry is orchestrating this alleged "medical malpractice crisis" to obtain legislative corporate welfare. It works like this: Medical malpractice cases are the most difficult case to win because: (1) contrary to some whiners’ beliefs, the medical profession is cut more slack by American juries than any other, and (2), the medical profession will not police its own. Knowing this, insurance carriers, even in the face obvious malpractice, instruct their attorneys and doctors to litigate instead of settle. Hence they pay millions to their attorneys, expert witnesses, and adjustors. Consequently, infinitely more money is spent defending malpractice claims than is ever spent paying them. Making matters worse, as is corporate America’s custom, insurance CEOs are paid millions for the bad management.

So now, instead of suffering the consequences of their decisions, they have found an easy dupe in the President. If they can get him to push through legislation that will artificially cap damages awarded to the victims of medical malpractice, they can deflect attention from their bad management practices and pocket the savings. There is a better way. Before taking money from people who usually will need catastrophically expensive medical care, let’s cap the salaries of insurance CEOs, the salaries of insurance industries’ attorneys, and charges for medical care.

Loren M. Lambert, January 17, 2003