Mark Spitz, Way Greater Than Michael Phelps

Some people naively think that Michael Phelps is a greater athlete than Mark Spitz. This is obviously not true. Why? Mark Spitz did it with a mustache, a feat little men like Michael Phelps can only dream about. I remember it so vividly, he was standing there with his seven gold medals and a full head of hair and a mustache in his red, white and blue--for a moment he was as great as the Beatles. And not just some well-trimmed, thin, pencil mustache of the hip-hop generation, but a full grown, bushy banner and anthem probably inspired by the Woodstock summer of peace and love. As wind tunnel after wind tunnel have shown, a mustache creates almost as much drag as a National Geographic wind sock. So, here's to you Mark Spitz, the only Olympic swimmer that will ever win seven gold medals in the same Olympics while sporting a psychedelic Sergeant-Pepper's-Lonely-Hearts-Club-Band mustache.

Loren M. Lambert
Copyright August 20, 2008

Where In the World is Captain Porter

Below is a response I emailed to one of my conservative acquaintances challenging what I suspect is a bogus email authored by a "Captain Porter" that maligns Senator Obama. I submit the same challenge to all you Obama detractors (except for the money part). Bring me this Captain Porter. I have left her email address off to protect the guilty since I don't want her to get bombarded with to much favorable Obama information. It might dampen her enthusiasm for the chain-email rumor-mill.

Dear Barbara,

I know you are very conservative, very religious and a staunch republican and I actually find a lot of your emails to be insightful. I am a pragmatist and have ideas and beliefs that would be considered both conservative and liberal. I do not vilify those of different mind and respect differences of opinion. Even knowing that I may offend you and lose your business, sometimes one must take a stand.

I would highly doubt that this email letter from Cpt. Porter is authentic. Have you been able to authenticate it?

Moreover, just so you know, I whole heartedly support Senator Obama. I think he is brilliant and has superior judgment. Moreover, if it weren't for people like him, you wouldn't have many of the benefits that you yourself have had to rely upon at difficult times in your life.
Be careful what you get that purports to be real and not a "fake." Don't be naive. Anything like this can be drafted up and sent around by many a crackpot. I challenge you to track down this Cpt. Porter. Let's make a deal, you track him down and prove he is a real person who was really there when this allegedly happened and I'll donate $50 to John McCain (who I highly admire and who would be a great improvement over Pres. Bush who has been a disaster) and if you can't, you donate $30 to the Obama campaign. Deal?

I think that spreading such stuff, even if done innocently, is being a bearer of false witness and is a violation of one of the most revered Christian ethics not to bear false witness.
I also find it in such poor taste that it comes with an ad to buy beauty products. You should know better.

Good luck on under taking my challenge.

Just so you are aware, I have read and listened to many reports delivered by reporters and others who were not a part of the Obama entourage who have far greater credibility than your, most likely fictional, "Cpt. Porter," about similar crackpot emails and messages being sent around .

Even if we don't agree, I admire your zeal.

Sincerely Loren M. Lambert


From: barbara jolley
Sent: Monday, August 11, 2008 10:18 AMTo: . . .
Subject: FW: From Afghanistan
Subject: From Afghanistan
Thought this was compelling enough to pass around.

Hello everyone, As you know I am not a very political person. I just wanted to pass alongthat Senator Obama came to Bagram Afghanistan for about an hour on his visitto "The War Zone". I wanted to share with you what happened. He got off theplane and got into a bullet proof vehicle, got to the area to meet with theMajor General (2 Star) who is the commander here at Bagram. As the Soldiers where lined up to shake his hand he blew them off and didn'tsay a word as he went into the conference room to meet the General. As hefinished, the vehicles took him to the ClamShell (pretty much a big top tentthat military personnel can play basketball or work out in with weights) sohe could take his publicity pictures playing basketball. He again shunnedthe opportunity to talk to Soldiers to thank them for their service. So really he was just here to make a showing for the American's back homethat he is their candidate for President. I think that if you are going tomake an effort to come all the way over here you would thank those that areproviding the freedom that they are providing for you.I swear we got more thanks from the NBA Basketball Players or the DallasCowboy Cheerleaders than from one of the Senators, who wants to be thePresident of the United States . I just don't understand how anyone wouldwant him to be our Commander-and-Chief. It was almost that he was scared tobe around those that provide the freedom for him and our great country. If this is blunt and to the point I am sorry but I wanted you all to knowwhat kind of caliber of person he really is. What you see in the news is allfake. In service, CPT Jeffrey S. Porter Battle Captain TF Wasatch American Soldier

MonaVie, As Good Looking As You Think It Is

MonaVie? Great tasting, rejuvenating juice in an expensive snake skin bottle--almost as good as the juice I just squeezed from the exotic and anti-aging producing service berry picked in the scrub oak jungles of Heber City, Utah. I'm selling it to the Brazilians in titanium capsules so I can charge three times more than MonaVie. I just need an aging Olympian to hock it. Henry Marsh, MonaVie CEO? Great inspiring runner now saddled in a snake skin suit sipping MonaVie bug juice on top of the supper pyramid making us all wish we were up there feeling as awesome and youthful as all them face-lifted, tanned, lipo suctioned high rollers. Ah, the glories of fad trademarking. So, here's a service berry toast to you, my hero Henry Marsh--and it didn't cost me a dime but then again I don't have an expensive looking bottle to put in my window to remind me of the good times when I sipped myself into bankruptcy drinking MonaVie without even an once of alcohol in it to make it worth the price and worthy of a reason for insanity.

Loren M. Lambert
Copyright August 14, 3008

Russia Delayed Reflex

Surprise. Russia invades Georgia, like the reflex of an old man--something its been itching to do for a long time but cunningly waited until the world's leaders were safely being entertained by their adorable and amazing athletes in the Olympics. During commercial breaks our leaders take time to weigh in with their displeasure.

Their ears to the tube, Sean Hannity and other right wingers try to rank the condemnations thereon. They claim President Bush has won the gold in world record rhetoric, Senator McCain a close silver with a nicely clinched jaw and poor Senator Obama claimed the bronze, bringing up rear with dreams of peace talks.

So how do the Georgians rank them? Words of condemnation, clinched jaws and hopes of peace talks are not going to put out the fires on their burning houses, are not going to stay the boots pressed against their charred heads and will not bring their children back from the dead nor save those who will die in the days to come. So they rank them with their tears, their pain and their coffins. Knowing, as the Russians know that--

It's simply a fight we have no stomach for at this time. Without Bush, McCain or Obama empowered or willing to do anything but mutter for the cameras, we can only hope that God will soften the Russians' hearts and thereby grant us guilt-free Olympic golds.

Loren M. Lambert
Copyright August 12, 2008

I Am a Culturalist--Revisited

I wholly anticipated that my proclamation that I am a culturalist would cause some to unfairly label me as a bigot who would advocate exclusion based on race, national origin, color and religion. I would not. Nevertheless, I still will not shy away from this nettlesome subject which many think about and that many more confuse with issues of race, national origin and religion. To the contrary, the argument that some cultural influences are corrosive, has nothing to do with race or religion.

Unfortunately, this issue is avoided due to the ignorance-is-bliss pall that undue political correctness throws over necessary introspection and deliberation into culture and its consequences. In this void, many groups, no matter what belief system, ideology or theology they devise, are allowed to label anyone an intolerant bigot should they dare subject their culture and its ideology to any serious criticism--especially if due to coincidence their culture allegedly originates under the umbrella of some well recognized world religion, a particular geographic location or are made up predominately of one race.

Let me reiterate that I do not believe that dangerous cultural ideas and influences are endemic to a particular race, religion or geographical location. However, just as the rotation, axis, atmospheric composition and geographic configuration of the earth tend to produce predictable weather patterns in particular areas, likewise cultures produce societal "weather" patterns, including peace and prosperity or war and poverty. "Culture," in this context, does not mean the manners and artistic expressions of a country, race or religion, it means "the sum total of ways of living built up by a group of human beings and transmitted from one generation to another," "a particular form or stage of civilization . . . " and "the behaviors and beliefs characteristic of a particular social, ethnic or age group. . . " (Webster's American Dictionary 2000).

Nor do I speak of an "Hispanic," "Islamic," or "American" culture as suggested by an anonymous commentator to this blog. Delineating specific cultures is similar to geographically demarcating watersheds. Just as some watersheds nest one within another, some are isolated pockets and basins big and small, and some encompass massive areas in which one branch of a particular watershed is polluted and turbid bearing no resemblance to another branch of that same watershed that is clean and clear, so it is with cultures. There is a World, a Christian, and a US culture, etc. Nested within them like matryoshkas, are myriad cultures. Some with close affinity and some standing isolated and separate like salty dead sea basins. The "drug cartel culture" does not necessarily have anything to do with "Hispanic culture," and it has no connections to race. However, its appearance where ever it resides is not an accident--societies and their culture or cultures cannot divorce themselves from the reality that they may have responsibility for the emergence, survival and propagation of corrupt sub cultures.

Unfortunately, people from particular cultures, like acolytes of organized religions, may swear that theirs is a model of perfection. However, given the current status of humanity, I would venture to state that no culture is without its warts. And, since I can do so without being called a bigot (since I am part of it), I will assert that US culture, with all its qualities, is prone to escapism, excessive materialism, addiction and arrogant bellicosity. Because of these tendencies, it too bears responsibility for the drug cartels that are funded by American addicts. And herein lies the challenge and the difficulty, some cultures, due to the collective sum of their parts, tend to create certain types of predictable societal weather. The trick is to intelligently analyze these tendencies and proclivities and to root out the abhorrent cultural influences while retaining that which is a beneficial and good. Having made that declaration, let me invite others to either tout their perfect culture or critique its imperfections.

This is important because it is only when those virtues and vices are identified that a more rational discussion can be engaged in on how to encourage the development of positive cultural influences and how to resist those influences that are corrosive. While I do not advocate the suppression and censorship of the free discussion of ideas and ideologies within the United States and elsewhere, I submit that it is appropriate for our country to first completely secure our borders to prevent entry to the undocumented (yes I know there are many of you here and most of you are good people) and second to bar those adherents of ideologies that are inimical to our democratic system.

For instance, an acquaintance of mine and an American citizen that I admire believes that the best form of government would be a theocracy such as it exists in some areas of the world. He should never be thwarted from advocating and discussing this position. Hopefully though, through the power of vigorous debate, he and those of similar bent will be persuaded that theocracies lead to tyranny. On the other hand, not only should we ensure that those requesting asylum to reside here understand what our constitution says but we should strive to ensure they understand what it means.

We believe, as Americans, that all men should be allowed to follow the religion of his or her choice. While we may debate were the boundaries of church and state should lie, there is no room for the adherents of cultures that would supplant our civil government with a theocracy. Hence, if you are a foreigner who desires to install your Pope, your Iman, your Bishop or your Prophet as both the supreme religious leader and ruler of this country in order to create a theocracy, you should not be allowed citizenship. Such an ideology is as dangerous, if not more, to our liberty as would be an invading army assaulting our shores to impose a dictatorship and should be repelled at any and all costs. If on the other hand, you are arriving here with the intent to follow your conscious and live in tolerant peace and harmony with others who follow a different faith, then you have a right to call yourself an American.

So, I reiterate, I am a culturalist. I believe that we Americans should carefully consider which cultural influences are compatible with our way of life and which are not. I am not advocating a religious, race, color or national origin litmus test. I am suggesting that citizenship be awarded to those possessing an understanding and affinity to our way of life. Upon reaching a consensus thereon, we should bar citizenship to those advocating cultural ideologies that are adverse to the principles of freedom, democracy, liberty and the rule of law.

Loren M. Lambert (c)
August 11, 2008

Most Utahans Are at Least Democrats if not Liberals (Shortened Version)

Many Utahans are liberal democrats in conservative republican clothing and don't even realize it. Granted, if you ask avowed conservative Utahans if, to suppress prices, landowners should be forced to sell their real estate, diamond conglomerates should be forced to place their inventory of gems on the market for sell, or if the sales' price of new and used cars should be regulated, most would understandably give a resounding "no." This is because owning and holding property and acting in one's self interest regarding that property is a bedrock principle of American capitalist conservatism.

If, however, you asked this same group of Utahans the following, their conservative credentials would whither. If a virus was killing 9 out of 10 humans, not just in some distant country among "foreigners," but across America, would it be hunky-dory for a US Pharmaceutical that invented a vaccine to price you out of the market and subject 90% of your family to death by demanding as high a price as people were willing to pay or to sell it to its corporate employees at a cut rate price but to all others at an exponentially high "COBRA" rate?

Next suppose that due to energy demands 50% of the world's grain was slotted to be used for bio-fuels but at least 75% of that same grain crop was needed to prevent starvation and economic ruin across America, would it be okay to let the free market render that 50% into inedible fuel? Lastly, suppose that all the oil barons decided to either: control the oil supply to exponentially increase its price; set a price higher for Americans than, let's say, the Chinese; or bar sales to the American consumer altogether, would this be fine with you? If your answer is no or a wavering yes to any of these last three questions, then you my friend are a fair weather republican, or let’s face it, either a closet democrat or worse, a liberal.

In conclusion, if you think that inexpensive gas is a right your government should guarantee, why is it such a stretch to ask that same government to insure that as a free and great people we assure that adequate health care is within the reach of every American? Don't feel the need? If you don't, it's not because you are a conservative, it's only because you are currently on top and able to afford that $100,000 vaccine and are among the lucky few that the medical industrial complex has not priced out of the market. In truth, making health care within the reach of every American is a more realistic goal then perpetuating the myth that we will always have as much inexpensive nonrenewable fossil fuels as we desire. Moreover, just like there is supposedly a higher percentage of God fearing people in a fox hole, in the ever burgeoning ER rooms across America, metaphorically speaking, there is an ever increasing number of liberal democrats. We are all headed toward that emergency room. So, Utahans, welcome to the democratic party. You'll like the way it feels, I guarantee it.

Loren M. Lambert, Copyright July 31, 2008Midvale Utah 801-568-0041

Why Most Utahns Are at Least Democrats or at Worst Liberals

This year our usual, patriotic, celebrate-our-pioneer-heritage and eat-a-lot-of-homemade-ice-cream 24th-of-July celebration was ruined when I pulled the wool off of Utah's wolf pack in sheep's clothing--mainly my entire family and 80% of all Utahans. And there, under that downy, vanilla-candle-scented and bleached fleece was not a pack of republicans but a whole flock of liberal-leaning federal government subsidized sheep.

Think it isn't so? Bravely proceed on my stalwart Utah Republicans and first answer the following no-brainer questions:

Setting aside issues of eminent domain--suppose a person owns a large track of land--is that person obligated to sell it if she does not want to? Of course not. Suppose that because this land owner refuses to sell she thereby makes the price of land every where to go up. Or even worse, land speculators also buy up a bunch more land and further cause the price of land to rise. Should these land owners be forced to sell their privately own real estate or sell it at a reduced price? No!!! Private ownership is a bedrock principle of our capitalist system.

So far so good, you are still a conservative capitalist. Let's continue. Suppose your company owns and controls most of the worlds diamonds. Does your company have a right to control how many of those diamonds are sold on the open market to make sure that your beloved bride's rock is still as valuable, if not more, as it was the day you bought it to wed her? Yes! Of course. Capitalism means the right to sell your property when, where and at the price that you can demand. Right?

As a further example, suppose you are a car salesperson. Your at work and see some sap walk onto your car lot. The minute you lay eyes on him, you know from years of finely tuned experience and sharply honed skill that, without you even telling a single big looper, he will buy one of your automobiles for several thousand dollars more than anyone else. Now even though you wouldn't have sold it to your mother at that price, is it legal, fair, all American, according to Hoyle to do it? Yes, buy low and sell as high as possible. This my dear friend is another bedrock principle of capitalism--maximize profits and minimize losses.

Feeling good about your conservative credentials. Let's move on to the harder questions.

Now suppose a mega virus, that is killing 9 out of 10 humans, is raging, not just in some foreign country among people who don't look or talk like us, but across the world, including America. Then, glory to the mother of ingenuity, a US Pharmaceutical company comes up with an exclusive vaccine and decides to demand as high a price as people are willing to pay or decides to sell it to all member of its corporation at a cut rate price but to all others at an exponentially high "COBRA" rate. Now lets say that you've been priced out of the market and 90% of your family will die? Are you okay with that because it is the conservative, capitalist way of the free market? Feeling a little uncertain?

Next suppose that 50% of the world's grain is slotted to be used to create bio-fuels to meet the world's energy demands but at least 75% of that same grain crop is needed to prevent mass starvations across America. Or suppose that some guy name Joe in his Technicolor dream coat determines there will be 7 years of plenty which will be followed by seven years of famine. In these last two scenarios, would it be consistent with bed rock conservative, capatalistic market principles for the government to intervene and assure that grain stocks be stored to stave off starvation? You think maybe? Getting soft? Cozying up to that swearword "liberal"?

Now suppose that all the big boys of oil get together and decide to either: control the supply to increase price; set a price higher for Americans than, let's say, the Chinese; or worse to not sell a drop of oil for several months to the American consumer. Would this be okay? Would you call upon the government to do something about it? If your answer is yes then you my friend are at the far left of the political spectrum and are at the very least a democrat or worse, a liberal.

So, if you think that cheap gas should be a right guaranteed by our government, why is it such a stretch to ask that same government to insure that as a free and great people we guarantee that adequate health care is within the reach of every American? Don't feel the need or the pain? If you don't, it's not because you are a conservative, it's only because you are among the lucky few that the medical industrial complex has not priced out of the market. The reality is that making health care within the reach of every American is a more realistic goal then perpetuating the myth that we will always have as much inexpensive nonrenewable fossil fuels as we desire. Moreover, just like you may find a higher percentage of believers in God in a fire fight in a fox hole then in more calmer times, in desperate cultural circumstances, you may find more democrats then usual during more circumstances. And these are desperate times. So, Utahans, welcome to the democratic party. You'll like the way you look, I guarantee it.

Loren M. Lambert, Copyright July 31, 2008