Sarah Palin Set To Open Up Commie Mother Nature

Sarah Palin has decreed that when she's the first U.S. female president, she will set up "extinction panels" to employ God's plan of eliminating species that interfere with human monopolization of resources, divert money from oil exploration, and delay monostratification of the animal kingdom. Palin said, “It took arch conservative Nixon to open up commie China, and it will take arch huntress Palin to open up commie Mother Nature.”

Loren M. Lambert © January 12, 2010

Glen Beck Advocates School Improvements

Recently obtained documents reveal that Glen Beck advocates the following:

1) putting tacks on grade school kid's chairs to motivate learning;

2) putting rocks in educators' pants to enhance their teaching skills, and to increase energy levels; and

3) accommodating preventative healthcare by feeding poor kids surplus grade school glue, fortified with sawdust used to clean up vomit from rich kids.

I love this guy. He is truly an original American genius.

Loren M. Lambert © January 11, 2010

Untempered Bitterness and Cynicism

Untempered bitterness and cynicism toward existence is nothing more than self-pity dressed in a suit of high-minded words. Strip it naked and you'll find a bratty, spoiled child crying, “Waa Waa, make me feel better!” It’s not very appealing.

Loren M. Lambert © January 8, 2010

Pooh Crew

On my way home, I pulled up behind one of those cute wrap-around ads on a truck. It read, "Pooh Crew – Our business starts when your dog's business ends!"

I love this country. We see a need and we feel it (I mean, fill it – or poop scoop it)! I'll bet socialist/communist countries don't have a pooh crew with a cute wrap-around ad on their trucks.

Loren M. Lambert © January 7, 2010

I’m Host of a New Reality Show

Announcement!

Television has given us "Man v. Wild," "Survivor Man," "Apocalypse Man," and "I Shouldn't Be Alive." These are all pussy-footed crap. They are nothing like the show of which I was just cast to be the host!

(Drum roll)

"Geriatric Man!" This is a new reality show in which I will not only show our aging population how to survive the slow, steady decent into geezer-hood, but how to excel while all others just dumbly blink at our strapping, ageful virility.

Loren M. Lambert © January 6, 2010

Gold’s Gym Packed For a Few-Week New Year’s Resolution

First, let me state that I am an uncoordinated fat man trapped in a fairly fit and moderately coordinated man's body. Yes, there is a fat, lard-butt bursting to come out. So, all you fat, out-of-shape men who have packed Gold's Gym to the hilt, I say, “Welcome! Thanks for keeping my dues low by your yearly, couple-week foray from your New Year's hangover resolution to work out. I hope you stay a while. It makes me look better.

Loren M. Lambert © January 6, 2010

Arctic Expedition Compared to Marriage

In 1893, Norwegian explorer, scientist, diplomat, and humanitarian, Fridtjof Nansen, lodged the Fram's (his ship) round-bottomed hull in the Arctic Ocean’s ice, upon which it drifted across the Polar Sea in a journey that took over three years.

One of the Fram’s intrepid explorers anonymously exclaimed, “Like marriage, it was a marvelous adventure we couldn't appreciate until, at its close, we could thank God we had survived the crushing ice, the chilling cold, and the solitary desolation.”

Loren M. Lambert © January 5, 2010