Loren Lambert Film Festival

I'm accepting entries into the Loren Lambert film festival.

Send thirty bucks, a film, and a prayer, and I will send you a nice note if your film is not selected. I promise. We accept anything, no holds barred. If your film is selected, you'll be given a nice room to sleep in next to the film venue, as well as pool table access and a spaghetti dinner. I'll even let you take the dog for a walk.

Loren M. Lambert © January 15, 2013

People Who Are Attracted To You

People who are attracted to you because you cherish who you are (thereby infusing your body and soul with beauty), and thereby experience your joyful heart and gracious spirit (if of like mind) will, only then, be forever entwined side by side.

Loren M. Lambert © January 14, 2013

Secret to Happiness: Survive a Catastrophe & End Up on Island with Only Five Choices for a Mate

Barry Swartz, psychologist phenom of the TED circuit, says that an abundance of choice, rather than liberating us, leads to paralysis and an escalation of unattainable expectation. For instance, studies have shown that in companies where there are lots of pension/savings plans from which to choose, people become so bogged down with trying to decide which is best, they just give up. Also, when people do chose among numerous overwhelming options, they are less satisfied afterwards, and always worried they could have done better. Eventually, they become despondent, because deep in the recesses of their minds, they believe they could have done better.

This happens to me all the time--especially on Facebook. I get bombarded with messages of, “Free [this]!” “Go to this event!” “Do [this]!” “Vote for me on [this]!” “Just click [this] and you’ll win your dream wedding and peace will break out all over the world!”–all to the point where I just freeze up, knowing that out of all those many choices, I’ll never figure out the right one to pursue and will miss the one event that could have made me rich, forever young, and always satisfied. Now, when I do pick some event, or buy something, or spend my time voting for one person’s cause and didn’t have time to vote for the other person’s cause (or even mine!), I always sulk, wondering if I did the right thing, just like Swartz warns.

Now, it strikes me: The real problem with the breakdown of marriage in the modern world is not Monday Night Football, drinking too much soy, gay marriage, fast cars, or faster women and men. The problem is too many actual or imagined choices that we have for mates. Long ago, when there were five possible mates in your village (and you knew of no others who existed, or could even imagine existed), you knew who the “best” one was. If you didn’t capture the “best” one, you knew why you didn’t and why someone else did, and you knew you had to live with it, both metaphorically and actually.

According to Swartz, the moral of the story is to hold low expectations (or realistically modest ones). That would mean living on a small, isolated island with five choices for a spouse–and to be really grateful for those limited choices, especially after having survived a catastrophe.

Let's plan today. Here are your choices . . .

Loren M. Lambert © January 12, 2013

Let's Fake Something Big

When I was in Spain, studying at the University of Sevilla, a number of my Spanish friends thought the U.S. had faked the moon landing–that it was all Hollywood. It made me chuckle. However,  having seen The Impossible (which I saw with my favorite daughter), I think with today's technology in film production, we could fake anything. This movie was more real than the actual event. It was incredible! The only thing I didn't believe was the plane turbulence.

So, I think we should go for it: Give everyone something much grander to say we faked. What should it be? Think big. In the meantime, we need to get that turbulence thing fixed.

Loren M. Lambert © January 12, 2013

The Heave Ho

I got booted off a “Facebook friend island” by a very talented, beautiful, gorgeous, vocal acquaintance. I admittedly offended her sensibilities by using “damn,” “hell,” and “condom” all in the same sentence to make an ironic, sarcastic remark about liberals. I thought someone like her would think what I wrote was well-stated, but she, being more polite, probably thought it best for others like Ann Coulter to say. This is probably not the first time getting booted has happened to me, but it was the first time I was told about it. I feel bad because, truth be told, I like hearing divergent views, and I don't like offending others – usually – at least not when I didn't intend to offend. Even then, I mostly regret it.

I knew it was over the top for that particular person and I almost resisted, but then I elevated my need to rant over what I knew was in good taste for her. I figured my crudity as befitting her offensiveness – to me. I forgot that the reality is most people post stuff to be confirmed in their positions, not confronted. So, what did I accomplish? Nothing.

However (and you knew there would be a “however”), while some people would use nary a “damn” nor a “hell,” they don't realize that these are just short cuts to the same things they say that are just as jarring and rude. Those expressions are all just dressed up in a suit and tie with white-collar words.

Given the chance to do it all over again, I'd have dressed my ironic sarcasm in a suit and a tie. I would have said the same thing and maybe I would not have lost a friend. It's all about knowing the “dress code” and your audience.

Therefore, I promise when I post on your page, I'll try to “wear the proper attire.” If I get it wrong, accept my apology and please, just delete my post, tell me about it, and give me a second chance. I learn very quickly and I'll show up the next time properly dressed – whether in a Michael Phelp's Speedo, working clothes, or a James Bond tuxedo.

Loren M. Lambert © January 10, 2013

Fox News Hits Education Out of the Park

I learned on Fox News, from my “bud” Sean (Sean Hannity Show), that you most definitely shouldn't call an attractive woman pageant winner “hot and sexy” – at least not on national television. I was further informed that you probably shouldn't call her “beautiful and gorgeous” on national television, and that if you do, you better not do it with the same enthusiasm of a sportscaster calling the play action of a game-winning touchdown at the end of a critical NFL game (especially if you're over the age of fifty).

So guys, defy a few million years of mental conditioning. Ignore the sexy – I mean, slightly inadequately burka-ing swimsuit or skimpy dress – and practice the following phrase: "What an amazingly intelligent and compassionate woman Miss Scholarship (first), body (second), pageant queen is! Let's get her up here to ask a question."

Loren M. Lambert © January 9, 2013

Another Staunch Conservative Saved by Obamacare

My very conservative gym friend, a retired military colonel, said his daughter gave birth to a child with serious healthcare issues that will cost thousands and thousands of dollars (the child will need brain surgery). Several months before the birth, her husband had lost his job and the company went bankrupt, so the family lost their healthcare and COBRA (Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act) benefits.

The daughter of my friend applied for Medicaid and was approved. Her husband found new employment, which terminates their eligibility for Medicaid. The good news (my friend explained as he expressed, "Thank goodness!") is that when the Medicaid eligibility runs out, it will happen just as the new employment's healthcare kicks in.

Why will it kick in just as the Medicaid coverage ends? Why will it cover the pre-existing condition of the child? It's because Obamacare establishes that the family is considered as having continuous coverage and therefore, the employer’s insurance cannot deny coverage for preexisting conditions. Hooray! Another conservative benefits from the changes that we help them get and they rail against!

Loren M. Lambert © January 9, 2013