"There's No Blood Doping Police In Bed" (Lance Armstrong's Bonus Chapter on Amazon.com)

I was going to demand a refund for the Lance Armstrong autobiography I bought my son for Christmas a few years ago, but since we now know the whole story (as noted below), and we can derive the full benefit from his experience, we decided to keep it

"There's No Blood Doping Police In Bed," or "How To Run An Effective Blood Doping Program to Enhance Your Sexual Prowess," are Armstrong’s Bonus Chapters to his autobiography, on sale on Amazon.com.  Armstrong indicates that it really does work on the bike and in bed (even with only one testicle), and so far, nobody gets ordered to give a urine sample after a good hill climb of Ms. Pyrenees in the sack.

The proceeds of Armstrong’s book will go to fight cancer, with the remaining proceeds to make amends for the cancer inflicted on the cycling world.

Live strong and get your "Live Stronger Than Armstrong" wrist bands today!

(Note: Lance, if you come to read my feed as you often do, know that I forgive you and still admire your cancer survivorship. Too bad we won't know how great you were without the EPO [blood doping].)

Loren M. Lambert © January 26, 2013

LDS General Authority, Elder Larry Echo Hawk, Praises President Obama

After receiving an award from the J. Reuben Clark Law Society this evening, Elder Larry Echo Hawk, member of the First Quorum of the Seventy of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, referred to President Obama as a U.S. leader who would go down in history as doing the most to advance the well-being and rights of the Native American populace, in four years, than any other president and would thereby elevate the status of our nation because "great nations, like great leaders, should keep their promises."

Loren M. Lambert © January 25, 2013

Justice Sonia Sotomayor

I’ve had the privilege of listening to two different interviews of Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor. What a gem of a human being: intelligent, humble, masterful, well-spoken, and a superior representative of this country. She has all the strengths of her fellow Supreme Court justices, yet none of the hubris, haughtiness, nor wounded disdain that a few of them bear. She reconfirms a belief I have gained through my experience: Those who opine that the government should not or cannot be a reflection of the diversity of our populace have either been blinded by their own prejudices (both conscious and subconscious) or have not sojourned beyond their own limited vision and insular set of acquaintances.

Loren M. Lambert © January 23, 2013

All Work and No Creative Writing or Snow Angel-Making Makes Loren ... Scream!

All work and no creative writing or snow angel-making makes Loren not only a dull boy, but makes him want to pull out all his hair, shred his clothes, and run down Wall Street and Main Street screaming (not pretty – as known by the few who have witnessed it). 

Loren is only currently restrained by the low-digit temperatures that would cause his pathetic little chest ornaments and other accoutrements to freeze and shatter upon contact with any object. Whereas, the creative writing and snow romps are a wonder to behold – and actually one of the seven wonders of his world.

Therefore, be it decreed, by both the Utah and U.S. legislatures, that the world would do well to give him back his play before he's forced to bust it from its chops. Please, for the love of Pete and of Penny, and all that is holy and good – do this!

Loren M. Lambert © January 20, 2013

Marketing of Sex and Fear

The marketing of sex is good, but the marketing of fear is better, and a constitutional clause of the second amendment is the big red cherry atop the arm dealers’ fearless brows. And while there was a run of guns, there was no run on condoms when Mitt Romney and Rand Paul were on top for their fifteen minutes of fame.

Loren M. Lambert © January 19, 2013

This Vet Needs a Miracle

I need a miracle tomorrow. I overran my allotment of miracles for last year and do not have any coming.

Could anyone spare a fellow American, who is down on his knees, a small miracle? I'm here at the Salt Lake City 7200 S. I-15 off-ramp, holding my sign. All you have to do is roll down that window and slap a “miracle” in my palm and you will never see a more joyful, needy vet of the I Corp JAG Defense Command of the Gulf War.

Please.

Maybe you can even spare a hug, and when appropriate, one of those cheek kisses – that is, upper cheek kisses, nothing fancy – just to the side so I can hear the sound of it to remind me of those long-lost days when people loved their soldiers and America still had a top AAA rating on its borrowing rate.

Loren M. Lambert © January 18, 2013

Despotism Arises From All Sectors of Society

We are no more likely to be robbed of our freedom by jack-booted thugs from the "government" above us than by joe-booted thugs from the neighborhoods that surround us. The way people conveniently love to use the Nazis as the paradigm for how things always go to hell in a hand basket make it seem that they were alien invaders. To the contrary, they arose from the German citizenry.

Similarly, Pol Pot, Chairman Mao, and Lenin didn't come from organized government – they overthrew governments. Despotism has arisen from all sectors of society. Don't forget that, as we embrace all the law-abiding gun owners of the NRA.

Loren M. Lambert © January 17, 2013