Nancy Workman has been admitted into an elite and exclusive club that most of us will never have the privilege to join (God Forbid)--those acquitted of criminal charges. And among even this elite group she is in a subclass almost all to her own--those whose private attorney's fees are paid for at public expense--to the tune of $100,000. Despite the overblown tab--this is as it should be.
The rest of this elite club are divided into two groups. The acquitted poor who were appointed public defenders and the acquitted middle class who, to preserve their freedom and hopefully good name, must relish a bitter victory because of the financial ruin--which was the price of fighting the State. It should not be this way. No one should have to face the furry and power of the State when it brings its weight to bear in a misguided prosecution.
Despite popular belief, many such prosecutions are misguided. The completely innocent do find themselves facing the bar of judgment. These are the victims of lies, politics, mistakes, incompetence and over zealousness.
We have long decried the horrendous violence of a vigilante lynching mob/ but we should just as well bemoan the wrenching impoverishment of a financial lynching at the hands of an arrogant, ignorant or mistaken prosecution. A prosecution that amasses, not the raging mob that pulls you from your bed in full view of the cameras, but the quiet, unfeeling, unseen mob of government functionaries that pulls the house down around you. This is one of the last great injustices in our criminal system that should be remedied.
But it will not happen. No one cares about this elite minority, that is until that exclusive invitation is personally delivered to your door by one of our unformed servants. When it does, just hope you have all your dues saved up, or, no matter how innocent you know you are, you may not make it to dine with Nancy.
Loren M. Lambert, February 4, 2006 ©
Saturday, February 4, 2006
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
The Militarization of Heaven
Through the miracle of a joint Google, LDS Genealogical Society and Psychic Network venture, I, an active but long departed Jewish Rabbi, am able to weigh in on the recent LDS Jewish baptism-by-proxy controversy. Don’t try to claim it’s not happening. While it was difficult to get a volunteer, considering the need to marry a BYU coed, my living counterparts were able to persuade a MOSSAD agent to infiltrate your system. I mean, complain all you want about the occupation of the West Bank–in which middle eastern and world tensions are heightened, finite Palestinian territory is coopted, and blood is spilled–it still pales in comparison to the distress the occupation of our middle eastern Jewish souls is causing here in western Kolob. Now I realize that the urge to conduct a posthumous baptism is a bit more charitable than a mortal cremation, but try to see things from our perspective.
Here is a rundown of the havoc this practice is reaping here in heaven. First, several weeks ago, sister Rubinstein, who, upon her death, was quite relieved to find she no longer had to coexist with her obnoxious husband, returned home to find her grinning husband sitting in the kitchen explaining that they had just been sealed to each other for time and all eternity. We have heard nothing but nagging since then. But those nags are nothing compared to the scream she let rip when she discovered that what is "sealed on earth is sealed in heaven and what is loosed on earth is loosed in heaven." I informed her that this meant she could only be divorced on earth and that no one down there, including you Mormons, does divorces by proxy. Perhaps that’s another area of billable hours for your ambitious Mormon lawyers.
Also, Rabbi Goldstein was leading the Sabbath services when BAM!–with no warning, he was suddenly drenched in water and declared that he had just been baptized a Mormon. He then started this gibberish that it wasn’t too late to get in our food storage. When this happened, my Jewish congregation indicated its displeasure to your apparent discriminatory practices. You see, Jewish women have been disappearing from our ranks at an alarming rate due to your proxy baptisms. Also very few, if any, Muslims, Buddhists and Hindus seem to fall victim to your baptismal zeal. To top it off, we have noticed that Brigham Young, who lives just down the street from me, with his 54 wives, has been paying a little too much attention to our Jewish daughters and several of the recently baptized women have taken up residence at his "beehive house." (He, by the way, lives right next door to two Muslim martyrs, each of whom believes they have 70 virgins apiece- no one has been brave enough to inform them that celestial demographics don’t quite allow such an exponential male-female ratio and that supernal seamstresses can do wonders with a veil [which the men are threatened not to remove on threat of being sent back to their earthly paradise]).
The last straw was when Tevye was in the middle of chastising his daughter, Sydle, who had taken to wearing a CTR ring, when he also was baptized a Mormon. His family bombarded him with rounds of "Tradition, Tradition," for months. It drove the poor man mad until he finally wandered down to Brigham Young’s place. From then on, it was, "If I Were a Rich Man," day in and day out. When, to his great chagrin, Golda was baptized and it was all "Sunrise, Sunset." Oi Vay.
Now, in conjunction with our living Jewish counterparts, we have discussed how to put an end to all of this nonsense. First we thought of giving circumcisions by proxy to the Mormon men here but couldn’t find any living Jewish volunteers to perform this service. We are currently suggesting that all of the different religions adopt your practice and declare an all-out conversion and baptism war in heaven. However, it will take awhile for us to get everyone on board and get funding from the US Congress, and since you Americans believe in a fair fight, could you please agree on a cease-fire, kinda like the one we now have in the Middle East, until things are more equal? Ya think?
Loren M. Lambert
© April 12, 2005
Here is a rundown of the havoc this practice is reaping here in heaven. First, several weeks ago, sister Rubinstein, who, upon her death, was quite relieved to find she no longer had to coexist with her obnoxious husband, returned home to find her grinning husband sitting in the kitchen explaining that they had just been sealed to each other for time and all eternity. We have heard nothing but nagging since then. But those nags are nothing compared to the scream she let rip when she discovered that what is "sealed on earth is sealed in heaven and what is loosed on earth is loosed in heaven." I informed her that this meant she could only be divorced on earth and that no one down there, including you Mormons, does divorces by proxy. Perhaps that’s another area of billable hours for your ambitious Mormon lawyers.
Also, Rabbi Goldstein was leading the Sabbath services when BAM!–with no warning, he was suddenly drenched in water and declared that he had just been baptized a Mormon. He then started this gibberish that it wasn’t too late to get in our food storage. When this happened, my Jewish congregation indicated its displeasure to your apparent discriminatory practices. You see, Jewish women have been disappearing from our ranks at an alarming rate due to your proxy baptisms. Also very few, if any, Muslims, Buddhists and Hindus seem to fall victim to your baptismal zeal. To top it off, we have noticed that Brigham Young, who lives just down the street from me, with his 54 wives, has been paying a little too much attention to our Jewish daughters and several of the recently baptized women have taken up residence at his "beehive house." (He, by the way, lives right next door to two Muslim martyrs, each of whom believes they have 70 virgins apiece- no one has been brave enough to inform them that celestial demographics don’t quite allow such an exponential male-female ratio and that supernal seamstresses can do wonders with a veil [which the men are threatened not to remove on threat of being sent back to their earthly paradise]).
The last straw was when Tevye was in the middle of chastising his daughter, Sydle, who had taken to wearing a CTR ring, when he also was baptized a Mormon. His family bombarded him with rounds of "Tradition, Tradition," for months. It drove the poor man mad until he finally wandered down to Brigham Young’s place. From then on, it was, "If I Were a Rich Man," day in and day out. When, to his great chagrin, Golda was baptized and it was all "Sunrise, Sunset." Oi Vay.
Now, in conjunction with our living Jewish counterparts, we have discussed how to put an end to all of this nonsense. First we thought of giving circumcisions by proxy to the Mormon men here but couldn’t find any living Jewish volunteers to perform this service. We are currently suggesting that all of the different religions adopt your practice and declare an all-out conversion and baptism war in heaven. However, it will take awhile for us to get everyone on board and get funding from the US Congress, and since you Americans believe in a fair fight, could you please agree on a cease-fire, kinda like the one we now have in the Middle East, until things are more equal? Ya think?
Loren M. Lambert
© April 12, 2005
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
The Real Lesson of the Vietnam War
Who am I? From age 17 to 21, if drafted, I would have gone, from age 22 to 24, I would have fled to Canada or elsewhere, from age 25 to 27 I would have gone to prison, from age 28 to 34 I would have opposed the war but volunteered to serve, as I actually did. Who am I? I am an American. A thinking, reasoning, nerve-packed being that cherishes life, all life. The same as you. The same as our Presidential Candidates.
So why do we beat each other up over our choices in response to the Vietnam War or question the valor of those who played any role in it? Is it universally understood when war is justified? God humble those that find it easy and God help us when it is so. Yes, there is a time to kill or be killed but fear is difficult to bridle with half-truths, half measures and shifting convictions. And death should not be unleashed in ill-defined endeavors.
For this reason, I say anyone that fought in it, whether for a day or a decade, whether their tale has grown as long as the Vietnam Memorial is heart wrenching, should be saluted for their sacrifice. Anyone who protested it or went to prison resisting it, should be praised for their passion. And anyone who escaped it whether to Canada, to Cambridge, or to a safe spot in the National Guard, should be pardoned for their choice. And all who lost loved ones to it should be born upon our shoulders.
That is the real lesson of the Vietnam War. And here we are again facing war--this sifter of men, this phantom for our fear. Who will be cowards and who heroes? Who will bear our red badges of courage? Only those that would choose as you would choose? Or will our maturity embrace all, like all those that should have been embraced in questionable wars long past?
Loren M. Lambert, © September 22, 2004
So why do we beat each other up over our choices in response to the Vietnam War or question the valor of those who played any role in it? Is it universally understood when war is justified? God humble those that find it easy and God help us when it is so. Yes, there is a time to kill or be killed but fear is difficult to bridle with half-truths, half measures and shifting convictions. And death should not be unleashed in ill-defined endeavors.
For this reason, I say anyone that fought in it, whether for a day or a decade, whether their tale has grown as long as the Vietnam Memorial is heart wrenching, should be saluted for their sacrifice. Anyone who protested it or went to prison resisting it, should be praised for their passion. And anyone who escaped it whether to Canada, to Cambridge, or to a safe spot in the National Guard, should be pardoned for their choice. And all who lost loved ones to it should be born upon our shoulders.
That is the real lesson of the Vietnam War. And here we are again facing war--this sifter of men, this phantom for our fear. Who will be cowards and who heroes? Who will bear our red badges of courage? Only those that would choose as you would choose? Or will our maturity embrace all, like all those that should have been embraced in questionable wars long past?
Loren M. Lambert, © September 22, 2004
Monday, September 13, 2004
Live by the Assault Weapon, Die by the Assault Weapon
Who is more likely to storm my business or my child’s elementary school to pop off lethal shots of lead---my wacky neighbor, the local drug dealer or some segment of the government my wacky neighbor claims he must arm himself against? Answer: my wacky neighbor. And what makes it more likely that my wacky neighbor and other potentially off balance souls, including the local drug dealer, will actually get their twitching fingers on assault weapons? Answer: the Bush administration. While you may permit Uncle Bob or Senator Kerry his hunting gun, we don’t need a Nation awash in assault weapons. Please strengthen the assault weapons ban by voting appropriately.
Loren M. Lambert, © September 13, 2004
Loren M. Lambert, © September 13, 2004
Wednesday, September 8, 2004
God's Vote
My cousin and I are both long-time conservatives. We get together once in a while to discuss politics. Our discussions are pithy and to the point. He starts and ends it by stating: "I'm voting for President Bush because that's who I think the Prophet would vote for."
Gee, I ponder, aside from the fact that the prophet is as likely to open up a gambling hall in the Holy of Holies as he is to reveal this, how do you argue with such sound reasoning? Well, here it is, cousin.
D&C 101:77 states that, "the laws and constitution of the people, which [God has] suffered to be established, . . . should be maintained for the rights and protection of all flesh." That's right, cuz- all flesh, as in everyone on the face of the earth, not just you and me.
The current President and his administration do not believe this edict of God. They argued before the Supreme Court [and thankfully lost] that the constitution is not maintained, nor does it protect all flesh--only US citizens it declares worthy--everyone else can rot as long as the executive branch deems it necessary for national security. This notion and the message it sends has resulted in many horrendous errors in prosecuting the war in Iraq.
Therefore, dear cousin, while you may think you have a pretty important person directing your vote, I, after diligent and thoughtful study, believe I've got God directing mine.
Loren M. Lambert
© September 8, 2004
Gee, I ponder, aside from the fact that the prophet is as likely to open up a gambling hall in the Holy of Holies as he is to reveal this, how do you argue with such sound reasoning? Well, here it is, cousin.
D&C 101:77 states that, "the laws and constitution of the people, which [God has] suffered to be established, . . . should be maintained for the rights and protection of all flesh." That's right, cuz- all flesh, as in everyone on the face of the earth, not just you and me.
The current President and his administration do not believe this edict of God. They argued before the Supreme Court [and thankfully lost] that the constitution is not maintained, nor does it protect all flesh--only US citizens it declares worthy--everyone else can rot as long as the executive branch deems it necessary for national security. This notion and the message it sends has resulted in many horrendous errors in prosecuting the war in Iraq.
Therefore, dear cousin, while you may think you have a pretty important person directing your vote, I, after diligent and thoughtful study, believe I've got God directing mine.
Loren M. Lambert
© September 8, 2004
Tuesday, September 7, 2004
Ich bin ein Feloner
I recently heard that among the problems that Floridians are determined to fix with their new voting system, besides anchoring it in hurricane force winds, is preventing felons from voting. Apparently this is a big problem. Studies show that while only 30% of the general population regularly votes, if they could vote, 90% of the felons would--not! Floridians suspect that many felons voted in the last presidential election. Does that mean they voted for Bush? Hmmm. I would think they voted democratic. But who knows--maybe they cast all forty two of their illegal votes for Ralph Nader instead of Al Gore and the rest is history.
Unfortunately, felons are easy targets. There's not many politicians nor pundits stepping forward to champion their right to vote. And why should they? Who among us would sign a petition to allow such a right? But maybe we should. Think about it. If felons were allowed to vote, who would they vote for and how does one curry to the "felon voting block." "Vote for me because I'm the felon's friend," or "Vote blah-blah-blah because we're the party that's soft on crime." Wouldn't this at least let us know were the candidate or party stood on crime and punishment matters? And why shouldn't felons be allowed to vote based on this issue. Who is more knowledgeable about it?
But really, if felons could vote and the "felon vote" mattered, what would it say about our society? Look at any society gone wrong and you will find that the innocent have been "felonized" to prevent them from voting. Maybe we are doing that. Picture felons as the proverbial canary in the mine. If the vote of a felon can upset the political balance of a nation as great as ours it will mean that we too have felonized the innocent and sold our souls to the felons sitting in high offices. So, I say we should fear more the society that disenfranchises its felons than the felons who vote. Therefore, borrowing a phrase from Johh F. Kennedy, I say Ich bin ein Feloner and urge you all to fear more the indifference of the majority before you spend millions turning out the felon from the voting booth.
Loren M. Lambert, © September 7, 2004
Unfortunately, felons are easy targets. There's not many politicians nor pundits stepping forward to champion their right to vote. And why should they? Who among us would sign a petition to allow such a right? But maybe we should. Think about it. If felons were allowed to vote, who would they vote for and how does one curry to the "felon voting block." "Vote for me because I'm the felon's friend," or "Vote blah-blah-blah because we're the party that's soft on crime." Wouldn't this at least let us know were the candidate or party stood on crime and punishment matters? And why shouldn't felons be allowed to vote based on this issue. Who is more knowledgeable about it?
But really, if felons could vote and the "felon vote" mattered, what would it say about our society? Look at any society gone wrong and you will find that the innocent have been "felonized" to prevent them from voting. Maybe we are doing that. Picture felons as the proverbial canary in the mine. If the vote of a felon can upset the political balance of a nation as great as ours it will mean that we too have felonized the innocent and sold our souls to the felons sitting in high offices. So, I say we should fear more the society that disenfranchises its felons than the felons who vote. Therefore, borrowing a phrase from Johh F. Kennedy, I say Ich bin ein Feloner and urge you all to fear more the indifference of the majority before you spend millions turning out the felon from the voting booth.
Loren M. Lambert, © September 7, 2004
Friday, May 7, 2004
Goats And Universal Human Rights
The label "Unlawful Combatant" or any other label does not turn a human being into a goat. But that is what Attorney General John Ashcroft, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, and the Bush Administration believe. If you are not granted basic universal human rights, no matter your national origin, race, religion, etc. and no matter the circumstances of your apprehension and containment, you may as well be a goat.
As a goat, the US Government and US military are free to dress you up in the latest fashion in hooded prison garb, take you on an endless Caribbean vacation, milk you dry, strip you naked, parade you around, inspect your genitalia, and maybe even have a goat roast. And who would ever know? Without the right to due process, the right to an attorney, and the right to have Red Cross visits, you may as well be a nameless, cloned goat--even if you were an innocent Quaker goat caught up in the fog of warring goat herdsmen.
If the despicable excuses for US soldiers had been aware that the human beings they were torturing in Iraq were, at the very least, being regularly visited by their attorneys and the Redcross, their criminal tendencies may have been curbed. More incidents like this will come unless that Bush Administration reverses its myopic view on human rights. This is true because as human beings and not goats, no matter our religion, color or country, without checks on our power, our self righteous arrogance will not prevent us from being corrupted and becoming tyrannical goat herdsmen in charge of what we'll view as goats--only fit for slaughter.
Hence, the abuse of the Iraqi prisoners is not just a failure of these sorry, disgusting soldiers, it is a failure of leadership all the way up to the top. We have lost the moral high ground. We will not recover. I fear this incident will lead to more deaths than any other incident in this war. It is time for our leadership to leave. It is time to for us to leave.
Loren M. Lambert © May 7, 2004
As a goat, the US Government and US military are free to dress you up in the latest fashion in hooded prison garb, take you on an endless Caribbean vacation, milk you dry, strip you naked, parade you around, inspect your genitalia, and maybe even have a goat roast. And who would ever know? Without the right to due process, the right to an attorney, and the right to have Red Cross visits, you may as well be a nameless, cloned goat--even if you were an innocent Quaker goat caught up in the fog of warring goat herdsmen.
If the despicable excuses for US soldiers had been aware that the human beings they were torturing in Iraq were, at the very least, being regularly visited by their attorneys and the Redcross, their criminal tendencies may have been curbed. More incidents like this will come unless that Bush Administration reverses its myopic view on human rights. This is true because as human beings and not goats, no matter our religion, color or country, without checks on our power, our self righteous arrogance will not prevent us from being corrupted and becoming tyrannical goat herdsmen in charge of what we'll view as goats--only fit for slaughter.
Hence, the abuse of the Iraqi prisoners is not just a failure of these sorry, disgusting soldiers, it is a failure of leadership all the way up to the top. We have lost the moral high ground. We will not recover. I fear this incident will lead to more deaths than any other incident in this war. It is time for our leadership to leave. It is time to for us to leave.
Loren M. Lambert © May 7, 2004
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