Recently, the U.S. Senate invited the popular Fox program, "Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader," to Washington D.C. to test both past and current cronies of the Bush Administration. Quickly, dispatching President Bush, Ashcroft, Rumsfield and V.P. Cheney as all not quite smart as a fifth grader, they then set their sights on current US Attorney General Michael Mukasey. They were hopeful he'd pass since he had been so gracious during his confirmation hearings.
Before questiong him, they invited a whole classroom of fifth graders and their teacher from a local D.C. elementary and asked them this: If someone tied them down, put a bag over their heads and poured water over them to the point they felt like they were about to drown and die, would they consider it to be torture? All the kids said yes, but the teacher said no.
The teacher explained that if done to a Nun it was torture, but if properly authorized by a secret Bush goon squad and done to her ex-husband, who incidentally was Rush Limbaugh, it would be an act of extreme patriotism, especially if he was forced to admit he was a pill-popping idiot. This was applauded by the Democratic Senators who quickly instructed their Aids to write this down for future action. However, their more subdued Repulican counterparts prevailed upon them to label her as less intelligent than her students and to report her to the "NO-Child-Left-Behind" oversight committee.
They then zeroed in on Mukasey. When asked the same thing about water-boarding, he stated, "...It would be irresponsible for me, as an attorney general to provide an answer...If this were an easy question, I would not be relunctant to offer my views on this subject. But, with respect, I believe it is not an easy question. There are some circumstances where current law would appear clearly to prohibit the use of water-boarding. Other circumtances would present a far closer question." This statement invoked immediate jeers from the Senate Democrats and even caused Senator McCain and some of the legally trained Republicans to cringe with embarrassement. Only Senator Hatch sat beaming proudly and praising, "That's my boy, that's my boy."
Then, to the delight of all the Senators (except-no surprise-Hatch), one of the fifth graders raised his hand. He was then called upon and asked Mukasey how many years of law school and legal training it took him to get his head so tightly screwed up his butt and that if it wasn't, would it be considered torture if all the kids tackled him, striped him naked and forcibly shoved his head so far up his butt that he felt like he was going to drown?
Without batting an eye, Mukasey thoughtfully, pondered this question. Then after what seemed like enough time for President Bush to commit a new mispronounced word to his vocabulary, he chuckled and stated, "...It would be irresponsible for me, as an attorney general to provide an answer...If this were an easy question, I would not be reluctant to offer my views on this subject. But, with respect, I believe it is not an easy question. Nevertheless, as to the first question, unlike many lawyers who need years of schooling to get to this point, I was so well prepared for law school that I arrived with my head up my butt and have dutifully kept it up there all these years. That is how I got to be a Federal Judge. Moreover, while there are some circumstances were current law would appear clearly to prohibit me from having my head up my butt or for you to shove it there, there are other circumstances, such as being a member of the Bush Administration, that would present a far closer question. I might also add, it is the closest my facial cheeks will ever get to a real kiss or two, so don't begrudge an old man his pleasure. In fact you can all just come up here and kiss my a--"
It is reported that Mukasey then flipped everyone off, dropped his pants and mooned the entire Senate floor and all the terrified fifth graders--half of whom immediately confessed that they were terroists and could not stand any more of Mukasey's torture.
Loren Lambert
January 31, 2008
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Fun with Tasers
UHP Colonel Lance Davenport found that Trooper John Gardner’s tasering of Jared Massey was "lawful and reasonable under the circumstances." Indeed, as the UHP investigation of Trooper Gardner lamented, "officers are often forced to make split-second decisions or judgments in circumstances that are tense, uncertain or rapidly evolving."
As an example of this refrain, we need only look at the experiences of Ruby Ridge, Waco, and Kent State. In all of these past events, while the citizens involved were not polly annas, they also were not significant enough risks to society’s well being to necessitate extraordinary measures. To the contrary, it was law enforcement that, upon finding its manhood questioned, created tense, uncertain and rapidly evolving crises which forced it to make split-second decisions and thereby justified its use of deadly force. In all of these cases, while its action may have been "lawful and reasonable under the circumstances," the "circumstances" were created by law enforcement and were as unjustifiable as were the deaths that arose out of them.
Similarly, while Trooper Gardner may very well have had an excuse to taser the hapless Jared Massey, it didn’t have to go that far. When Massey refused to sign the traffic ticket (as he had every right to do), Trooper Gardner should have walked away. But he couldn’t. His masculinity had been called into question. This is what Massey meant when he said that it was Trooper Gardner, "who [was] the professional . . [who] escalated [the] situation to where he had to use [the taser.]
Trooper Gardner escalated the situation by ordering Massey around, knowing Massy would either make his day by doing something stupid or learn a valuable lesson in diplomacy by being unnecessarily delayed in his journey. Either way, Trooper Gardner could go home to mom with a much bigger cod piece. As fate would have it, to the Trooper’s great glee, Massey supposedly groped his own codpiece. He thereby put Trooper Gardner in fear of his life, leaving him no option than to take Massey on "a ride with the teaser," –a much funner experience for the giftor as well as the gifftee than merely seeing each other in court.
So to end the uncertainty in such cases, the UHP should announce that during the holidays, all motorists will be given the option, on the spot, of either signing their tickets and paying a fine or getting a quick taser in the ass. That way, the citizen can then be put back in charge of the "circumstances" and the consequences of his or her choices.
Loren Lambert,
December 4, 2007 ©
As an example of this refrain, we need only look at the experiences of Ruby Ridge, Waco, and Kent State. In all of these past events, while the citizens involved were not polly annas, they also were not significant enough risks to society’s well being to necessitate extraordinary measures. To the contrary, it was law enforcement that, upon finding its manhood questioned, created tense, uncertain and rapidly evolving crises which forced it to make split-second decisions and thereby justified its use of deadly force. In all of these cases, while its action may have been "lawful and reasonable under the circumstances," the "circumstances" were created by law enforcement and were as unjustifiable as were the deaths that arose out of them.
Similarly, while Trooper Gardner may very well have had an excuse to taser the hapless Jared Massey, it didn’t have to go that far. When Massey refused to sign the traffic ticket (as he had every right to do), Trooper Gardner should have walked away. But he couldn’t. His masculinity had been called into question. This is what Massey meant when he said that it was Trooper Gardner, "who [was] the professional . . [who] escalated [the] situation to where he had to use [the taser.]
Trooper Gardner escalated the situation by ordering Massey around, knowing Massy would either make his day by doing something stupid or learn a valuable lesson in diplomacy by being unnecessarily delayed in his journey. Either way, Trooper Gardner could go home to mom with a much bigger cod piece. As fate would have it, to the Trooper’s great glee, Massey supposedly groped his own codpiece. He thereby put Trooper Gardner in fear of his life, leaving him no option than to take Massey on "a ride with the teaser," –a much funner experience for the giftor as well as the gifftee than merely seeing each other in court.
So to end the uncertainty in such cases, the UHP should announce that during the holidays, all motorists will be given the option, on the spot, of either signing their tickets and paying a fine or getting a quick taser in the ass. That way, the citizen can then be put back in charge of the "circumstances" and the consequences of his or her choices.
Loren Lambert,
December 4, 2007 ©
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
BAD SENTENCE CONTEST
From the stump a shaggy mushroom sprang spewing thousands of spores of which, he explained, perhaps two would germinate and that I had the same probability of ever wedding his daughter--thus compelling me to proclaim that I would indeed be the fungal bud upon the stump of his posterity.
Loren M. Lambert
October 16, 2007 ©
It was not the numbing vulgarity that I found to be most disturbing about my companion’s limited vocabulary, nor the unsettling emotions his obscenity conjured up within my soul, but the revelation spreading across his face that his feeble mind was so overburdened by the boredom of his own words that there was nothing left for it to do then to snap like a tensed-up piece of chalk on the verge of writing a thousand times, "I have a potty mouth."
Loren M. Lambert
October 16, 2007 ©
Loren M. Lambert
October 16, 2007 ©
It was not the numbing vulgarity that I found to be most disturbing about my companion’s limited vocabulary, nor the unsettling emotions his obscenity conjured up within my soul, but the revelation spreading across his face that his feeble mind was so overburdened by the boredom of his own words that there was nothing left for it to do then to snap like a tensed-up piece of chalk on the verge of writing a thousand times, "I have a potty mouth."
Loren M. Lambert
October 16, 2007 ©
PHONE DIRECTORY HELL
In many industries, such as taxi cab services, commercial river running and dentistry, unfettered competition is not allowed. This is done to prevent various types of chaos–cutthroat competition, overcrowding and indiscriminate teeth pulling. I propose one more area that cries out for some type of regulation-- the ever burgeoning and prolific industry of telephone directory services–hard copy and internet services. Perhaps the biggest–the Quest Dex–demands more than Uncle Sam does in federal taxes with the promise that if it doesn’t increase your wealth at least you’ll be entertained with the contortionist antics of its millionaire pitchman.
After selling your soul to Dex, you will have to decide which of the dozen other phone book companies to spend your pension and health insurance money on--the Regional Yellow Pages, the local Yellow Book, the Valley Wide Directory, the Dex Hispanic Section, the Hispanic Yellow Pages, the Local Union Directory, the City Directory, the Gay Yellow Pages and so on and so forth. What’s a business owner to do? Which book will the home owner keep and which name comes up most on the internet? And how many times have you either paid or almost paid a fake directory solicitation posing as a bill? I say please, for the love of Pete, let’s reach some kind of truce here in which either only a limited number of phone directories are given license to compile directories or lets all enter into a pact to only keep the directories that we buy advertising space in and join together to create a collective bargaining agreement to negotiate lower prices. Okay?
Loren M. Lambert
November 6, 2007 ©
After selling your soul to Dex, you will have to decide which of the dozen other phone book companies to spend your pension and health insurance money on--the Regional Yellow Pages, the local Yellow Book, the Valley Wide Directory, the Dex Hispanic Section, the Hispanic Yellow Pages, the Local Union Directory, the City Directory, the Gay Yellow Pages and so on and so forth. What’s a business owner to do? Which book will the home owner keep and which name comes up most on the internet? And how many times have you either paid or almost paid a fake directory solicitation posing as a bill? I say please, for the love of Pete, let’s reach some kind of truce here in which either only a limited number of phone directories are given license to compile directories or lets all enter into a pact to only keep the directories that we buy advertising space in and join together to create a collective bargaining agreement to negotiate lower prices. Okay?
Loren M. Lambert
November 6, 2007 ©
THE NEW CEO OF WATER BOARD INC.–MICHAEL MUKASEY
President Bush’s nominee for attorney general, Michael Mukasey, says he doesn’t know if water boarding is torture. Where on this planet does President Bush find these guys? What hole, rock, prison, escape hatch from hell did he scout out to find these jewels of intellectual duplicity?
I was pondering this question when I realized what a genius Mukasey is. Could it be that he, like many of Bush’s cronies, has or wants some connection to big business--like maybe starting up a company that manufactures equipment to use for water boarding? Or perhaps he has stock in the company that just came up with the new video game that gives people like him the thrills of torture? Or just maybe he’s being cute, like the US Supreme Court’s pronouncement on pornography--"I don’t know how to define pornography [torture], but I know it when I see [feel] it."
Someone should check on this. In the meantime, unless he actually supports Bush’s torture policy and doesn’t want to let on, his response indicates that he’s either been hiding out in a cave for his entire life or he has the IQ of a nematode and thought that, after wake boarding, water boarding would soon be that next big X-Game sport. Whatever the explanation, is this the guy we want providing leadership to ensure that the United States of America can repair the damage done from the sub-par leadership that gave us the endless stream of failures in Iraq?
No. He, like the company that just released the new torture video game that would be proud to have him as its huckster, should be boycotted, shunned, booed and rejected. Get someone that has the courage to stand up to the Bush team’s disdain for the law and disregard for human dignity, and who can stop dragging us into the Bush Presidency’s morass of twisted rationalization.
Loren M. Lambert
November 6, 2007 ©
I was pondering this question when I realized what a genius Mukasey is. Could it be that he, like many of Bush’s cronies, has or wants some connection to big business--like maybe starting up a company that manufactures equipment to use for water boarding? Or perhaps he has stock in the company that just came up with the new video game that gives people like him the thrills of torture? Or just maybe he’s being cute, like the US Supreme Court’s pronouncement on pornography--"I don’t know how to define pornography [torture], but I know it when I see [feel] it."
Someone should check on this. In the meantime, unless he actually supports Bush’s torture policy and doesn’t want to let on, his response indicates that he’s either been hiding out in a cave for his entire life or he has the IQ of a nematode and thought that, after wake boarding, water boarding would soon be that next big X-Game sport. Whatever the explanation, is this the guy we want providing leadership to ensure that the United States of America can repair the damage done from the sub-par leadership that gave us the endless stream of failures in Iraq?
No. He, like the company that just released the new torture video game that would be proud to have him as its huckster, should be boycotted, shunned, booed and rejected. Get someone that has the courage to stand up to the Bush team’s disdain for the law and disregard for human dignity, and who can stop dragging us into the Bush Presidency’s morass of twisted rationalization.
Loren M. Lambert
November 6, 2007 ©
ARMENIAN GENOCIDE
If due to fear we are too timid to confront a friend and ally with the awful truth of its past, then what hope have we ever of mustering the courage to confront others with the alarming truth of their present–the same truth that compels them forward to relive the failures committed by the Ottoman Empire a hundred years ago?
Besides, wouldn’t we all be bigger if the Turkish parliament simply apologized for its past history, promulgate its own resolution declaring as genocide the United State’s treatment of the Native Americans, and then called it even?
Finally, to make it all feasible, I will apologize in advance for my ancestors and the American people.
Loren M. Lambert
October 16, 2007 ©
Besides, wouldn’t we all be bigger if the Turkish parliament simply apologized for its past history, promulgate its own resolution declaring as genocide the United State’s treatment of the Native Americans, and then called it even?
Finally, to make it all feasible, I will apologize in advance for my ancestors and the American people.
Loren M. Lambert
October 16, 2007 ©
PAKISTAN'S LAWYERS FOR DEMOCRACY
Thousands of Pakistani Lawyers, showing great courage in stepping out of the privileged lives they enjoy, have been beaten, jailed and most likely tortured, for opposing Pakistan Dictator, General Pervez Musharraf’s declaration of Marshal Law. These lawyers, who probably have great influence and widespread support throughout all levels of Pakistan, are bulwarks for democracy. They should be supported by any means available. They, instead of Musharraf, are best positioned to bring about real change and democracy to Pakistan.
Both Shakespeare and Mao Se Tung understood that, before obtaining complete control over a population, dictators first obliterate the legal system by killing the lawyers and judges. They are the proverbial canaries in the mine. After they go, so will everyone else that is a friend of democracy and of law and order.
General Musharraf only does enough to aid the US in its fight against Pakistan to placate the west and perpetuate his power. But don’t expect the Bush administration to really care about the lawyers. Like Musharraf, the Bush administration, masterful in pronouncing superficialities, will publicly, but mutely, condemn Musharraf while then continuing to aid his government and going on as if nothing has happened. In the long run, this will be a disaster and will cause the radicalization of Musharraf’s opposition, which, out of necessity, will also have to rebel against Musharraf’s most ardent supporter, the United States of the Bush Administration.
Loren M. Lambert
November 6, 2007 ©
Both Shakespeare and Mao Se Tung understood that, before obtaining complete control over a population, dictators first obliterate the legal system by killing the lawyers and judges. They are the proverbial canaries in the mine. After they go, so will everyone else that is a friend of democracy and of law and order.
General Musharraf only does enough to aid the US in its fight against Pakistan to placate the west and perpetuate his power. But don’t expect the Bush administration to really care about the lawyers. Like Musharraf, the Bush administration, masterful in pronouncing superficialities, will publicly, but mutely, condemn Musharraf while then continuing to aid his government and going on as if nothing has happened. In the long run, this will be a disaster and will cause the radicalization of Musharraf’s opposition, which, out of necessity, will also have to rebel against Musharraf’s most ardent supporter, the United States of the Bush Administration.
Loren M. Lambert
November 6, 2007 ©
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