Through the miracle of a joint Google, LDS Genealogical Society and Psychic Network venture, I, an active but long departed Jewish Rabbi, am able to weigh in on the recent LDS Jewish baptism-by-proxy controversy. Don’t try to claim it’s not happening. While it was difficult to get a volunteer, considering the need to marry a BYU coed, my living counterparts were able to persuade a MOSSAD agent to infiltrate your system. I mean, complain all you want about the occupation of the West Bank–in which middle eastern and world tensions are heightened, finite Palestinian territory is coopted, and blood is spilled–it still pales in comparison to the distress the occupation of our middle eastern Jewish souls is causing here in western Kolob. Now I realize that the urge to conduct a posthumous baptism is a bit more charitable than a mortal cremation, but try to see things from our perspective.
Here is a rundown of the havoc this practice is reaping here in heaven. First, several weeks ago, sister Rubinstein, who, upon her death, was quite relieved to find she no longer had to coexist with her obnoxious husband, returned home to find her grinning husband sitting in the kitchen explaining that they had just been sealed to each other for time and all eternity. We have heard nothing but nagging since then. But those nags are nothing compared to the scream she let rip when she discovered that what is "sealed on earth is sealed in heaven and what is loosed on earth is loosed in heaven." I informed her that this meant she could only be divorced on earth and that no one down there, including you Mormons, does divorces by proxy. Perhaps that’s another area of billable hours for your ambitious Mormon lawyers.
Also, Rabbi Goldstein was leading the Sabbath services when BAM!–with no warning, he was suddenly drenched in water and declared that he had just been baptized a Mormon. He then started this gibberish that it wasn’t too late to get in our food storage. When this happened, my Jewish congregation indicated its displeasure to your apparent discriminatory practices. You see, Jewish women have been disappearing from our ranks at an alarming rate due to your proxy baptisms. Also very few, if any, Muslims, Buddhists and Hindus seem to fall victim to your baptismal zeal. To top it off, we have noticed that Brigham Young, who lives just down the street from me, with his 54 wives, has been paying a little too much attention to our Jewish daughters and several of the recently baptized women have taken up residence at his "beehive house." (He, by the way, lives right next door to two Muslim martyrs, each of whom believes they have 70 virgins apiece- no one has been brave enough to inform them that celestial demographics don’t quite allow such an exponential male-female ratio and that supernal seamstresses can do wonders with a veil [which the men are threatened not to remove on threat of being sent back to their earthly paradise]).
The last straw was when Tevye was in the middle of chastising his daughter, Sydle, who had taken to wearing a CTR ring, when he also was baptized a Mormon. His family bombarded him with rounds of "Tradition, Tradition," for months. It drove the poor man mad until he finally wandered down to Brigham Young’s place. From then on, it was, "If I Were a Rich Man," day in and day out. When, to his great chagrin, Golda was baptized and it was all "Sunrise, Sunset." Oi Vay.
Now, in conjunction with our living Jewish counterparts, we have discussed how to put an end to all of this nonsense. First we thought of giving circumcisions by proxy to the Mormon men here but couldn’t find any living Jewish volunteers to perform this service. We are currently suggesting that all of the different religions adopt your practice and declare an all-out conversion and baptism war in heaven. However, it will take awhile for us to get everyone on board and get funding from the US Congress, and since you Americans believe in a fair fight, could you please agree on a cease-fire, kinda like the one we now have in the Middle East, until things are more equal? Ya think?
Loren M. Lambert
© April 12, 2005
