It's most unfortunate that tragic circumstances have left Comm. Mary Callaghan a widow and a single mother of two teens. It's also commendable that she, a "devout" Republican and mother who "taught Sunday School," "hopes to complete her doctorate degree." It is not, however, a matter of misfortune that, in accordance with the Deseret News' overwrought apologia, Comm. Callaghan, a "very serious person" who dresses "in impeccable suits," has "discomfort with public life."
You see, contrary to erstwhile State legislator Ron Fullmer's statement that, "I don't care what [Mary] said ... the statute said she has to be paid. End of story," it should matter what politicians say. Does Mr. Fullmer really believe that if Comm. Callaghan kept her promise and refused the money that, figuratively speaking, "the statute" will arrive at Mary's door, put her in a headlock and stuff the money down her throat, " end of story?" Give me a break, we aren't that naive. What people say, especially what people say that have been given the public's trust, matters. Or does it?
Should we care that to get our votes, Comm. Callaghan promised not to accept the $279,500 severance pay package? Does it matter that our politicians are so out of touch with their constituents that Comm. Randy Horiuchi was "shaken" by the public's reaction thereto, and Comm. Nancy Workman was "taken aback by the level of [public] vitriol?"
What planet do these guys live on? Perhaps they are being diplomatic, but if not, are they really "shaken' and "taken aback" by the public backlash? Is it really beyond their understanding that we, the people, are a little piqued? Is Comm. Bret Overson also so out of touch that he minimizes Mary's dishonesty, "because Mary is just trying to take care of her family?" And does Mr. Fullmer really believe that Mary's situation is so dire that, "she really doesn't have a job prospect, so she's probably going to have to live on this money?" It's as if they were all talking about a homeless, uneducated, single mother of uninsured teens who was a crack-head and had promised to go off welfare earlier than required. Hey guys, she's not a crack-head and she'll be fine. In fact, did Messieurs Callaghan, Horiuchi, Workman, and Overson know that most Utahns don't get severance packages, let alone any forewarning that they’re getting axed?
The Commissioners' frank comments evince an out-of-touch attitude that makes it easy for them to rationalize and say, "I don't care what [we, he] she said." Well, as of today, I can forgive Mary for being human and thinking, Whoa, you can buy a lot of neat suits for $279,000--but I made a promise -- yeah, but I'm not going to run again because 'public life discomforts' me--but how can I live with myself and face my family and the community--yeah, but what about the standard of living I'm used to--I'll take the money! Not so fast Mary. You stole my vote and my patience is wearing thin. We cannot tolerate this lack of integrity. I urge you to step up to the plate and say, "I'm sorry. I made a mistake. Once elected, the money just seemed more important than keeping my promise– but I do what I say and I am not taking it, end of story."
If you can't do this, just as many Utahns thought Pres. Clinton should have resigned for being untruthful, you should resign, tuck your tail under your political skirt, take the money and go to college. Moreover, you other Commissioners should get a grip and stop rationalizing Mary's duplicity. While I condemn death threats, if the Commissioners cannot definitively demonstrate that they understand that it does matter what they say, we Utahns should unite and put them back in touch with reality by throwing all the bums out--end of story!
Loren M. Lambert
Dec. 27, 2000©
Wednesday, December 27, 2000
Sunday, December 24, 2000
A Common Peace
Irrespective of a group’s composition or authority, injustice will inevitably spring from any government that has as a tenant the dominance of one group over another. Whereas any human endeavor within a nation, between neighboring states or among nations built upon the tenant of inclusion will engender peace.
For this reason, the current peace talks between the Israelis and the Palestinians are doomed to fail. This is so because each, to some extent, has as a tenant of its existence, within and without their own governments and territories, the dominance of one group of people over another. This is also the fate of our lofty aspirations for the Kosovars because they have as their goal complete racial and religious homogenation. Granted, the atrocities committed against them cry out for such a solution, as it does from the point of view of the Palestinians and the Israelis.
A people that keeps score of past grievances that must be avenged will find itself cannibalizing its children. Hence, once the Kosovars cleanse their territory of the Serbs and feast upon the blood of intolerance, they will discover or invent new enemies from within upon which to unleash their hatred. The positive and negative aspects of this principle were learned in our Civil War, in World War II and, most recently, in South Africa.
Consequently, if peace is to come to the Holy Land there must be a new approach. While an agreement may be struck that has both sides staring into the breach, the glaring eyes must be refocused, the clenched fists must be redirected and the angry faces must soften to a smile. Both having enriched the land with cold and common blood and both having the drive for dominance, neither nation will find a separate, lasting peace. The sisters of domination and assimilation must cede to the sister of inclusion. From this unlikely union, justice will inevitably spring and truly the Lion will lie down with the Lamb.
Loren M. Lambert
Descendant of an Oppressed but Forgiving People
December 2000 ©
For this reason, the current peace talks between the Israelis and the Palestinians are doomed to fail. This is so because each, to some extent, has as a tenant of its existence, within and without their own governments and territories, the dominance of one group of people over another. This is also the fate of our lofty aspirations for the Kosovars because they have as their goal complete racial and religious homogenation. Granted, the atrocities committed against them cry out for such a solution, as it does from the point of view of the Palestinians and the Israelis.
A people that keeps score of past grievances that must be avenged will find itself cannibalizing its children. Hence, once the Kosovars cleanse their territory of the Serbs and feast upon the blood of intolerance, they will discover or invent new enemies from within upon which to unleash their hatred. The positive and negative aspects of this principle were learned in our Civil War, in World War II and, most recently, in South Africa.
Consequently, if peace is to come to the Holy Land there must be a new approach. While an agreement may be struck that has both sides staring into the breach, the glaring eyes must be refocused, the clenched fists must be redirected and the angry faces must soften to a smile. Both having enriched the land with cold and common blood and both having the drive for dominance, neither nation will find a separate, lasting peace. The sisters of domination and assimilation must cede to the sister of inclusion. From this unlikely union, justice will inevitably spring and truly the Lion will lie down with the Lamb.
Loren M. Lambert
Descendant of an Oppressed but Forgiving People
December 2000 ©
Tuesday, October 10, 2000
Official State Things
OFFICIAL STATE THINGS
BE IT DECLARED, THE SOUTH AMERICAN BOTFLY
AS THE OFFICIAL UTAH STATE PARASITE1
It used to be that an official Utah State "thing"--you know, like the official Utah State Bird, the Seagull--had to be native to Utah (or at least visible from Utah like Dubhe, the State star located in Ursa Major or like the Beehive Cluster, the State astronomical symbol located in the constellation Cancer the Crab). But now if non-native English (instead of the languages native to Utah like Donny and Marie Osmondian, Ute, Navajo or Double Dutch) is passed as Utah's official language, it opens up the door to a myriad of delightful possibilities. No longer will our legislature be bound by the limits of our five-cornered State and such prosaic things like the Blue Spruce, the Sego Lily, Indian rice (the State grass), the cherry, the honeybee, the elk, the Bonneville cutthroat trout, the Allosaurus (the State fossil2), topaz (the State gem), coal, copper, the square dance, the beehive, and the most important of all, the Dutch oven (the State cooking pot).3 To the contrary, colorful and imaginative bills promoting tolerance and social engineering may be cranked out by the dozens and flung around the State Capitol like salt water taffy in a 24th of July parade.
For my State representatives for this next legislative session, here are some recommendations. Since there is already an official State Centennial tartan4 in honor of Utahs' Scottish heritage, we should honor other nationalities and races. To do so we could have an official State parasite--the South American Botfly, an official State mosquito--the Asian Tiger mosquito, an official State disease--the German measles, and an official State weed--the Russian Thistle. Since we honored the Dutch by the official State cooking pot the Dutch oven5, we could honor our Mexican heritage by having an official State dish--the enchilada, and our Chinese heritage by having an official State cookie--the fortune cookie. However, to encourage cultural homogeny and discourage wasteful resource duplication when we eat our Dutch-oven-baked enchiladas, we should declare the fork as our official State utensil. Along with the English-only initiative arresting the alarming spread of Swahili use in our State, this will ensure that we don’t’ wake up some morning and find our schools and restaurants overrun with chopsticks.
To cast an even wider net of contentment here are some further recommendations. For our children, an official State Pokémon character-the cuddly, Exeggcute; an official State greeting--Whass up; and an official State cuss word--Fetching. For our couples, an official State body part--the derriere, and the official State vice--French kissing. For our parents, an official State roadway waste--disposable diapers, and an official car--the Minivan. For our bikers, an official State tattoo--of course, the Beehive. For our partiers, an official State dessert--Green Jell-O; an official State partying place--Wendover (Nevada); and an official State alcoholic beverage--Fosters, Australian for beer. For our attorneys, an official State organ--the spleen; and for our criminals an official State crime--real estate fraud. For our dieters an official State drug--meth-amphetamines, and an official State diet food-vanilla ice cream. And for everyone, an official State birth control method-thick glasses; an official State non-official practice--polygamy; and an official State religion–(just kidding!).
The passage of such bills will engender unity among all Utahns who may feel slighted by the probable passage of legislation making English Utah's official State language. Instead of tackling yawner issues like crime, water resource development and tax reduction, this will allow our legislators to engage in something productive for a change. And the possibilities don't end here. Laws could be passed to protect all of these official State icons of Utahn uniqueness. Killing an Asian tiger mosquito could be a felony (my neighbor swore that contrary to rumor, he was sentenced to one to five, not for harvesting marijuana, but for picking a Sego Lily). Owning a Dutch oven could be mandatory, and we could send to the moth-balled World War II Japanese internment camps in Delta, Utah those that are found guilty of slaughtering the English language. This would in turn create new high-paying legal and law enforcement jobs, which would create a higher tax base, which would finance another round of official State "things" legislation. The opportunities are endless. Support those lawmakers who are striving not only to add color to our State heritage but to ensure cultural integrity. Vote to make English our official State language.
1 What's the difference between an Attorney and a South American Botfly? One is a blood sucking parasite and the other is a species of fly.
2 Senator Orrin Hatch came in second and Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley was a distant third.
3 There is also a State flag, emblem, song, motto and an official railroad museum.
4·A tartan is not a fried potato-based fast-food but a twilled woolen fabric of plaid design used in Scottish
kilts. For those dying to know, the official State tartan pattern is described in UCA 63-13-8.2
5 Who knows if the Dutch oven was named after the Dutch, but it makes sense, one more way to use all that flat marsh land.
Loren M. Lambert
Oct. 10, 2000 ©
BE IT DECLARED, THE SOUTH AMERICAN BOTFLY
AS THE OFFICIAL UTAH STATE PARASITE1
It used to be that an official Utah State "thing"--you know, like the official Utah State Bird, the Seagull--had to be native to Utah (or at least visible from Utah like Dubhe, the State star located in Ursa Major or like the Beehive Cluster, the State astronomical symbol located in the constellation Cancer the Crab). But now if non-native English (instead of the languages native to Utah like Donny and Marie Osmondian, Ute, Navajo or Double Dutch) is passed as Utah's official language, it opens up the door to a myriad of delightful possibilities. No longer will our legislature be bound by the limits of our five-cornered State and such prosaic things like the Blue Spruce, the Sego Lily, Indian rice (the State grass), the cherry, the honeybee, the elk, the Bonneville cutthroat trout, the Allosaurus (the State fossil2), topaz (the State gem), coal, copper, the square dance, the beehive, and the most important of all, the Dutch oven (the State cooking pot).3 To the contrary, colorful and imaginative bills promoting tolerance and social engineering may be cranked out by the dozens and flung around the State Capitol like salt water taffy in a 24th of July parade.
For my State representatives for this next legislative session, here are some recommendations. Since there is already an official State Centennial tartan4 in honor of Utahs' Scottish heritage, we should honor other nationalities and races. To do so we could have an official State parasite--the South American Botfly, an official State mosquito--the Asian Tiger mosquito, an official State disease--the German measles, and an official State weed--the Russian Thistle. Since we honored the Dutch by the official State cooking pot the Dutch oven5, we could honor our Mexican heritage by having an official State dish--the enchilada, and our Chinese heritage by having an official State cookie--the fortune cookie. However, to encourage cultural homogeny and discourage wasteful resource duplication when we eat our Dutch-oven-baked enchiladas, we should declare the fork as our official State utensil. Along with the English-only initiative arresting the alarming spread of Swahili use in our State, this will ensure that we don’t’ wake up some morning and find our schools and restaurants overrun with chopsticks.
To cast an even wider net of contentment here are some further recommendations. For our children, an official State Pokémon character-the cuddly, Exeggcute; an official State greeting--Whass up; and an official State cuss word--Fetching. For our couples, an official State body part--the derriere, and the official State vice--French kissing. For our parents, an official State roadway waste--disposable diapers, and an official car--the Minivan. For our bikers, an official State tattoo--of course, the Beehive. For our partiers, an official State dessert--Green Jell-O; an official State partying place--Wendover (Nevada); and an official State alcoholic beverage--Fosters, Australian for beer. For our attorneys, an official State organ--the spleen; and for our criminals an official State crime--real estate fraud. For our dieters an official State drug--meth-amphetamines, and an official State diet food-vanilla ice cream. And for everyone, an official State birth control method-thick glasses; an official State non-official practice--polygamy; and an official State religion–(just kidding!).
The passage of such bills will engender unity among all Utahns who may feel slighted by the probable passage of legislation making English Utah's official State language. Instead of tackling yawner issues like crime, water resource development and tax reduction, this will allow our legislators to engage in something productive for a change. And the possibilities don't end here. Laws could be passed to protect all of these official State icons of Utahn uniqueness. Killing an Asian tiger mosquito could be a felony (my neighbor swore that contrary to rumor, he was sentenced to one to five, not for harvesting marijuana, but for picking a Sego Lily). Owning a Dutch oven could be mandatory, and we could send to the moth-balled World War II Japanese internment camps in Delta, Utah those that are found guilty of slaughtering the English language. This would in turn create new high-paying legal and law enforcement jobs, which would create a higher tax base, which would finance another round of official State "things" legislation. The opportunities are endless. Support those lawmakers who are striving not only to add color to our State heritage but to ensure cultural integrity. Vote to make English our official State language.
1 What's the difference between an Attorney and a South American Botfly? One is a blood sucking parasite and the other is a species of fly.
2 Senator Orrin Hatch came in second and Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley was a distant third.
3 There is also a State flag, emblem, song, motto and an official railroad museum.
4·A tartan is not a fried potato-based fast-food but a twilled woolen fabric of plaid design used in Scottish
kilts. For those dying to know, the official State tartan pattern is described in UCA 63-13-8.2
5 Who knows if the Dutch oven was named after the Dutch, but it makes sense, one more way to use all that flat marsh land.
Loren M. Lambert
Oct. 10, 2000 ©
Thursday, September 21, 2000
English Only is Veiled Bigotry
Don't be fooled be high sounding, unconsciously soothing arguments--the English Only movement is veiled bigotry. The basic argument goes that it's a matter of economics and ensuring communication. "It's too expensive to accommodate other languages so we must make one standard fit all!" they cry. The same argument has been used to espouse one party rule, create monopolies, crush the Native American Indian cultures, establish National religions, and require mono-culturalism. It's an argument born of fear and ignorance. Fear of those who speak differently. Fear of those who believe differently. Fear that the English language will be obliterated by foreign speakers with higher birth rates.
These foreign speakers with higher birth rates who a lot of you English Only people never even talk to, have the same core human values and virtues that you do. Moreover, recent immigrants to this country still learn English as fast as they always have despite the anecdotal harangues of wrinkled, old, English speaking men in saunas at local clubs claiming otherwise.
Without undue government intervention, just as the principles that apply in the free market system and the market place of ideas determine the winners and the losers, these same market principles will appropriately regulate the muti-linguism in our society. Other than having English declared as our "official language," government need not dictate to businesses, municipal governments, or school districts, etc. either accommodation or nonaccommodation to foreign speakers. If it is economically or otherwise prudent to do so, other languages will be accommodated. If it is not economically or otherwise imprudent, they will not. No well meaning bigotry will change this fact and no laws need be passed to regulate languages. Instead of gaping in fear at those who arrive here from other countries--whether legally or illegally invited by us--be assured that as long as we remain the home of the brave and the free (while you English speakers may benefit from learning a little Spanish, Chinese or Russian), you can sleep comfortably at night knowing that when you wake up in the morning you'll arise to a predominately English wired nation and if you do not--don't blame the law--blame it on the collapse of your own vitality and usefulness.
Loren M. Lambert
Sept. 21, 2000 ©
These foreign speakers with higher birth rates who a lot of you English Only people never even talk to, have the same core human values and virtues that you do. Moreover, recent immigrants to this country still learn English as fast as they always have despite the anecdotal harangues of wrinkled, old, English speaking men in saunas at local clubs claiming otherwise.
Without undue government intervention, just as the principles that apply in the free market system and the market place of ideas determine the winners and the losers, these same market principles will appropriately regulate the muti-linguism in our society. Other than having English declared as our "official language," government need not dictate to businesses, municipal governments, or school districts, etc. either accommodation or nonaccommodation to foreign speakers. If it is economically or otherwise prudent to do so, other languages will be accommodated. If it is not economically or otherwise imprudent, they will not. No well meaning bigotry will change this fact and no laws need be passed to regulate languages. Instead of gaping in fear at those who arrive here from other countries--whether legally or illegally invited by us--be assured that as long as we remain the home of the brave and the free (while you English speakers may benefit from learning a little Spanish, Chinese or Russian), you can sleep comfortably at night knowing that when you wake up in the morning you'll arise to a predominately English wired nation and if you do not--don't blame the law--blame it on the collapse of your own vitality and usefulness.
Loren M. Lambert
Sept. 21, 2000 ©
Sunday, September 3, 2000
Old Glory
If and when all the dust clears, the millions of dollars are spent, and the frenzied whirlwind of emotion, rhetoric and demagoguery subsides– there, enshrined in sacrosanct parchment we’ll have our blessed Flag Amendment. There, at the tail of truths self-evident will be the Amendment that will rescue the United States from the depraved would-be Flag desecrators and take us to greatness well into the next century by allowing Congress to punish such ne’er-do-wells. Perhaps the omniscient Congress could adopt the following verbiage: Any person that maims, mutilates, mars, defaces, desecrates, soils, shreds or tramples the United States’ Flag will be maimed, mutilated, marred, defaced, desecrated, soiled, shredded or trampled– a just punishment for an attack on the very heart and soul of America!
But when it’s all done, will we have a better nation? Will there be less cocaine in the streets? Will the deficit be smaller? Will our children be more studious and respectful? Will there be less pornography? Will our landfills be less repulsive and our skies clearer? Will the nostalgic veterans and tippling warlords of our great nation be able to sleep more peacefully at night knowing that no pimpled skinhead, no nihilistic punker will dare defame the Flag that he makes his bed with?
No, No, No, No, No, No, and maybe yes. Just maybe while John Doe is tried for flag desecration on national television as the political dogs salivate gleefully and as the warlords drift slowly off to sleep with visions of 21 gun salutes dancing in their heads, Joe Blow can more quietly sell crack and pander pornography to their teens down the street. Just maybe while John Doe ties up the Courts with constitutional battles, motions and appeals, the druglords and psychopaths can stretch out their own trials and appeals for 20 years. And maybe while John Doe serves his sentence he can take a correspondence course on patriotism from Jim Wright, Ted Kennedy, Richard Nixon and Ivan Bosky.
And while we’re at it, we might as well protect from calumny a few other American symbols. No longer should people be allowed to burn in effigy our Presidents or should idle children be allowed to throw darts at their photographs. Nor should we tolerate protesters making a mockery of our institutions–the Supreme Court, the Congress, the Military. But they all should be forced to kneel each morning and chant some patriotic mantra like, "Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye, I will always praise on high, the flag, President, and apple pie."
All those that refused could be sent to Iran, Syria or Lebanon as some sagacious representatives have suggested. And to finish up the job, we may as well send all the overzealous Protestants back to Europe; the Black Americans back to Africa; the liberals, socialists and utopianists to Russia, China and Cuba; the Italians back to Italy; the Asians back to Asia; all the Latinos back to Spain; and all others that have a dissenting view, culture or an "ism" back to somewhere far far away to keep democracy safe for the world. This solution, the old "send ‘um back to where they came from" solution, was taken to an even higher plane and most efficiently employed by such notables as Hitler, Stalin, Attila the Hun, and Ghengis Khan. They sure sent ‘um back to where they came from! Now we definitely won’t go as far as they did but I am sure that all our problems would be solved if we took it at least as far back as Eden or the primordial soup.
On the other hand, we could all just go back to work, balance our budgets, raise our families, and keep behaving the way a nation that is the beacon of freedom and liberty should behave to give the Flag its glory. We could also take pride in our heritage and continue to honor all those that have made contributions to this great nation by their deaths or by the way they have lived.
Perhaps we would then realize that the symbol of our nation is not revered and honored because of any laws passed to impress its importance upon the mind, but because of the living ideals of its people. With this knowledge, we wouldn’t have to worry about the flag burners–unless that is, they really had something to say. And besides, if there ever came a day when we would do well to follow the example of our forefathers who burned the British Flag, we could do so with no Flag Amendment that had been rendered meaningless by our nation’s devolution.
Loren Lambert
© Fall, 1998
But when it’s all done, will we have a better nation? Will there be less cocaine in the streets? Will the deficit be smaller? Will our children be more studious and respectful? Will there be less pornography? Will our landfills be less repulsive and our skies clearer? Will the nostalgic veterans and tippling warlords of our great nation be able to sleep more peacefully at night knowing that no pimpled skinhead, no nihilistic punker will dare defame the Flag that he makes his bed with?
No, No, No, No, No, No, and maybe yes. Just maybe while John Doe is tried for flag desecration on national television as the political dogs salivate gleefully and as the warlords drift slowly off to sleep with visions of 21 gun salutes dancing in their heads, Joe Blow can more quietly sell crack and pander pornography to their teens down the street. Just maybe while John Doe ties up the Courts with constitutional battles, motions and appeals, the druglords and psychopaths can stretch out their own trials and appeals for 20 years. And maybe while John Doe serves his sentence he can take a correspondence course on patriotism from Jim Wright, Ted Kennedy, Richard Nixon and Ivan Bosky.
And while we’re at it, we might as well protect from calumny a few other American symbols. No longer should people be allowed to burn in effigy our Presidents or should idle children be allowed to throw darts at their photographs. Nor should we tolerate protesters making a mockery of our institutions–the Supreme Court, the Congress, the Military. But they all should be forced to kneel each morning and chant some patriotic mantra like, "Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye, I will always praise on high, the flag, President, and apple pie."
All those that refused could be sent to Iran, Syria or Lebanon as some sagacious representatives have suggested. And to finish up the job, we may as well send all the overzealous Protestants back to Europe; the Black Americans back to Africa; the liberals, socialists and utopianists to Russia, China and Cuba; the Italians back to Italy; the Asians back to Asia; all the Latinos back to Spain; and all others that have a dissenting view, culture or an "ism" back to somewhere far far away to keep democracy safe for the world. This solution, the old "send ‘um back to where they came from" solution, was taken to an even higher plane and most efficiently employed by such notables as Hitler, Stalin, Attila the Hun, and Ghengis Khan. They sure sent ‘um back to where they came from! Now we definitely won’t go as far as they did but I am sure that all our problems would be solved if we took it at least as far back as Eden or the primordial soup.
On the other hand, we could all just go back to work, balance our budgets, raise our families, and keep behaving the way a nation that is the beacon of freedom and liberty should behave to give the Flag its glory. We could also take pride in our heritage and continue to honor all those that have made contributions to this great nation by their deaths or by the way they have lived.
Perhaps we would then realize that the symbol of our nation is not revered and honored because of any laws passed to impress its importance upon the mind, but because of the living ideals of its people. With this knowledge, we wouldn’t have to worry about the flag burners–unless that is, they really had something to say. And besides, if there ever came a day when we would do well to follow the example of our forefathers who burned the British Flag, we could do so with no Flag Amendment that had been rendered meaningless by our nation’s devolution.
Loren Lambert
© Fall, 1998
Thursday, August 3, 2000
Is It Irresponsibility or Litigation?
The moment I heard the screeching tires I instinctively looked over to ensure my three year old daughter was out of danger and that I was between her and the road. I then watched as a sleek black sedan cut around our corner, wheels sliding and contorted. As the car sped by at 50 miles an hour on our residential 20 mile an hour street, I peered in at the teenage couple who appeared oblivious to my presence. After making the loop in our neighborhood the black sedan made its way back towards me. Hoping I’d be respected, I stepped into the road and waived at the teenagers to stop. The car slowed and stopped at my side. "Please slow down we have kids in this area," I stated as nicely as possible while pointing at my daughter. "Sorry," the teenage girl stated from behind the wheel, "I just got my license and need to go fast and have a little fun."
As an attorney her statement unnerved me. It was a paradigm of our age. Our society is not litigious, it’s irresponsible. In its irresponsibility it wants to blame us attorneys for the expense, time, misery and penitence it must go through as a result. It wants guiltless-no-expense-clean-ups of its messes. I’ve been in divorces in which both spouses jump into a pile of manure and start flinging it at each other. When the manure flinging reaches a dangerous level they then call in their respective attorneys and ask them to: clean them up, referee the manure slinging, act as a human shield against incoming manure, flatter them that their manure is the cleanest and most smartly flung, and then join in the manure slinging so as to overwhelm their spouse. At the end of this manure tirade, even after their attorney had suggested a different course, they often look back in amazement to find they’re naked, drowning in manure and are perplexed that their attorneys expect to be paid for cleaning them off.
I’ve litigated and won $10,000 cases against corporations that have hired dozens of attorneys and spent over $100,000 because the stakes were low. We attorneys are expected to be Gods, when only government prosecutors and judges have that luxury. (When was the last time you heard a Judge or a Prosecutor admit that they made a wrong decision or perhaps someone was wrongfully tried and made bankrupt as a result)? I’ve learned early in my career that to take a reasonable approach or to seek a consensus early in a case only invited the opposing counsel to be more unreasonable in their demands. I’ve learned that it is government and powerful industries that most often take advantage of loopholes and technicalities that were created in the guise of legal reform. Usually, this means screwing the blue collar worker and their attorneys. When’s the last time you heard of congress or your legislator trying to limit the attorneys fees and wages of insurance defense counsels, and corporate lawyers?
This fall I was asked by a pre-school to sign a waiver that stated that I would not sue them if they sexually molested, physically abused, accidently poured boiling hot water on, pushed down the stairs or accidently ran over my child. I did not sign it nor should you. I then went to my doctors and was asked to sign a waiver that meant that I would not sue if my doctor operated on me while drunk and accidently cut my leg off instead of removing my appendix. Based upon these experiences, it is my conclusion that we are not litigious, we are irresponsible.
Hence, I have an offer to make the general public: if you will sign and return to me the following waiver I will promise not to sue them.
Loren M. Lambert
1998 ©
As an attorney her statement unnerved me. It was a paradigm of our age. Our society is not litigious, it’s irresponsible. In its irresponsibility it wants to blame us attorneys for the expense, time, misery and penitence it must go through as a result. It wants guiltless-no-expense-clean-ups of its messes. I’ve been in divorces in which both spouses jump into a pile of manure and start flinging it at each other. When the manure flinging reaches a dangerous level they then call in their respective attorneys and ask them to: clean them up, referee the manure slinging, act as a human shield against incoming manure, flatter them that their manure is the cleanest and most smartly flung, and then join in the manure slinging so as to overwhelm their spouse. At the end of this manure tirade, even after their attorney had suggested a different course, they often look back in amazement to find they’re naked, drowning in manure and are perplexed that their attorneys expect to be paid for cleaning them off.
I’ve litigated and won $10,000 cases against corporations that have hired dozens of attorneys and spent over $100,000 because the stakes were low. We attorneys are expected to be Gods, when only government prosecutors and judges have that luxury. (When was the last time you heard a Judge or a Prosecutor admit that they made a wrong decision or perhaps someone was wrongfully tried and made bankrupt as a result)? I’ve learned early in my career that to take a reasonable approach or to seek a consensus early in a case only invited the opposing counsel to be more unreasonable in their demands. I’ve learned that it is government and powerful industries that most often take advantage of loopholes and technicalities that were created in the guise of legal reform. Usually, this means screwing the blue collar worker and their attorneys. When’s the last time you heard of congress or your legislator trying to limit the attorneys fees and wages of insurance defense counsels, and corporate lawyers?
This fall I was asked by a pre-school to sign a waiver that stated that I would not sue them if they sexually molested, physically abused, accidently poured boiling hot water on, pushed down the stairs or accidently ran over my child. I did not sign it nor should you. I then went to my doctors and was asked to sign a waiver that meant that I would not sue if my doctor operated on me while drunk and accidently cut my leg off instead of removing my appendix. Based upon these experiences, it is my conclusion that we are not litigious, we are irresponsible.
Hence, I have an offer to make the general public: if you will sign and return to me the following waiver I will promise not to sue them.
I hereby agree to waive any and all legal rights to sue Mr.
Lambert for any harm, damage, injury or other problem he causes
me.
____________________
(Name)
____________________
(Date)
Loren M. Lambert
1998 ©
Sunday, July 23, 2000
Children Are Assets
I heard it again just the other day at my athletic club. "I’l tell yah, they should tax people extra, not give a tax credit, for each kid they have. This state has the highest birth rate and I have to pay for all your damn kids and their educations in my taxes, and I’m sick of it," finished the crusty old geezer before heading for his $80,000 Beamer.
He left too quickly for me to tell him that I’m sick of paying taxes to pay for his social security, Medicare, Medicaid, boat ramps, recreational areas, and rest home stays. Nor was I able to inform him that I’m tired of paying the interest on the national debt that his generation created. Lastly, I would have liked to have told him that perhaps we shouldn’t give parents tax breaks nor old men pensions. To the contrary, we should do as some of the ancient European clans and Indian tribes did and give our old men a blanket, one last morsel of food and cast them adrift on the swiftest ice flow or leave them alone in the middle of some desert wilderness.
It’s a good thing that I didn’t, because it’s not really what I believe but I do resent the ingratitude of a few of the childless, the rich and the"Modern Maturity"" set. We have forgotten that our children are our heritage. We have forgotten our sense of community. As an example, the rage in the law at this time is estate planning meant to secure government"entitlements"" and hide assets so that every aging adult can enjoy both their summer Maui Condo and also their winter Medicare-Funded Care Center stay (usually costing the American tax payer about $350,000 a year per patient). And who pays and will pay for our aging population’s social security, Medicare, Medicaid and the interest on the National debt? Our working youth.
Knowing this, I don’t begrudge the small break we grant American parents, I thank them. My only regret is that statistics show that the most affluent, intelligent, wealthy and educated of our society often opt for few if any children. Such people, who often forego raising children to contribute to population control, do not realize that the economy, the environment and the nation would be better off with four children in their homes instead of the motor home, boat, snowmobiles, sports car, RVs and riding lawn mowers they now have parked in their warehouse-sized garages.
So the next time you geezers out there cash your next social security check, don’t relish it as the fruit of your lifelong labor, because it’s not. Instead, thank the current American working class and pray that our tax practices will encourage the birth, development and education of our children. Otherwise you may find yourself alone and adrift on a fast moving ice flow with only a blanket and one last morsel of food.
Loren M. Lambert, 2000
He left too quickly for me to tell him that I’m sick of paying taxes to pay for his social security, Medicare, Medicaid, boat ramps, recreational areas, and rest home stays. Nor was I able to inform him that I’m tired of paying the interest on the national debt that his generation created. Lastly, I would have liked to have told him that perhaps we shouldn’t give parents tax breaks nor old men pensions. To the contrary, we should do as some of the ancient European clans and Indian tribes did and give our old men a blanket, one last morsel of food and cast them adrift on the swiftest ice flow or leave them alone in the middle of some desert wilderness.
It’s a good thing that I didn’t, because it’s not really what I believe but I do resent the ingratitude of a few of the childless, the rich and the"Modern Maturity"" set. We have forgotten that our children are our heritage. We have forgotten our sense of community. As an example, the rage in the law at this time is estate planning meant to secure government"entitlements"" and hide assets so that every aging adult can enjoy both their summer Maui Condo and also their winter Medicare-Funded Care Center stay (usually costing the American tax payer about $350,000 a year per patient). And who pays and will pay for our aging population’s social security, Medicare, Medicaid and the interest on the National debt? Our working youth.
Knowing this, I don’t begrudge the small break we grant American parents, I thank them. My only regret is that statistics show that the most affluent, intelligent, wealthy and educated of our society often opt for few if any children. Such people, who often forego raising children to contribute to population control, do not realize that the economy, the environment and the nation would be better off with four children in their homes instead of the motor home, boat, snowmobiles, sports car, RVs and riding lawn mowers they now have parked in their warehouse-sized garages.
So the next time you geezers out there cash your next social security check, don’t relish it as the fruit of your lifelong labor, because it’s not. Instead, thank the current American working class and pray that our tax practices will encourage the birth, development and education of our children. Otherwise you may find yourself alone and adrift on a fast moving ice flow with only a blanket and one last morsel of food.
Loren M. Lambert, 2000
Friday, July 21, 2000
Death to the Tobacco Industry!
Most Americans support the death penalty for human beings. Murderers who do unspeakable things are put to death. Murderers who have faces, parents, and sentient bodies. Murderers who, depending on who you talk to, possibly have souls.
Most Americans do not support the death penalty for corporations. Corporations that have been known to do unspeakable things to human beings. Corporations that do not have faces, parents, and sentient bodies. Corporations that, most people would agree, do not have souls.
So why not the possibility of the death penalty for corporations? Why not the death penalty for those who stand behind the corporate veil and use it to commit unspeakable crimes? In England there are such laws. Why not the lethal injection of a huge monetary penalty and bankruptcy to kill corporations found guilty and deserving of death? Indeed, should they not govern their behavior, all Americans, small businesses and families are susceptible to such penalties. Why do Americans tolerate allowing CEOs with billion dollar salaries to set up impregnable walls to protect their corporate monsters?
The tobacco lawyers and CEO’s cry that the record punitive damage award against them will bankrupt their industry. So what? Welcome to the real world of the rest of America. Life will go on, and before the ink on your obituary has dried, other corporations will have filled the current Tobacco Corporations’ shoes. I say death to the Tobacco Industry!
Loren M. Lambert © July 21, 2000
Most Americans do not support the death penalty for corporations. Corporations that have been known to do unspeakable things to human beings. Corporations that do not have faces, parents, and sentient bodies. Corporations that, most people would agree, do not have souls.
So why not the possibility of the death penalty for corporations? Why not the death penalty for those who stand behind the corporate veil and use it to commit unspeakable crimes? In England there are such laws. Why not the lethal injection of a huge monetary penalty and bankruptcy to kill corporations found guilty and deserving of death? Indeed, should they not govern their behavior, all Americans, small businesses and families are susceptible to such penalties. Why do Americans tolerate allowing CEOs with billion dollar salaries to set up impregnable walls to protect their corporate monsters?
The tobacco lawyers and CEO’s cry that the record punitive damage award against them will bankrupt their industry. So what? Welcome to the real world of the rest of America. Life will go on, and before the ink on your obituary has dried, other corporations will have filled the current Tobacco Corporations’ shoes. I say death to the Tobacco Industry!
Loren M. Lambert © July 21, 2000
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