Saturday, August 24, 2019

The Superiority of Insouciance

Does the Redwood tree have the arrogance to require a higher purpose for its existence other than to simply live? And if not, why do we fall so short of the superiority of its insouciance?

Loren M. Lambert © August 2, 2014

Travel To and From the Redwoods (Road Trip)

The Redwoods were awesome and inspiring.  The Rangers were professional, competent, and informative. I only ran into one grumpy ranger. He was cleaning bathrooms after people had inhabited them, like dumps.

In Oregon, we saw friendly flies and friendly people. In Denio, Oregon we saw a lonely gas station. It was probably put there to make a million dollars, as it’s the only town for miles, and one must buy gas from a farmer.

We have logged and have destroyed the Redwoods and have five percent left. The paradox is that the more numerous we are, the more value such national treasures have, and the more open space we need. What is the optimum ratio of preservation and development? We need to resolve this now, because it will not get easier as time goes by.

Loren M. Lambert © August 2, 2014

Wars Fought Against Enemies Are Never Won. They Just Temporarily Create a Momentary Cessation of Hostility

The Israelis think they are fighting the Palestinians and Hamas. Hamas thinks it is fighting the Israelis. They are not. They are fighting an idea perceived, whether true or false, and given real effects by each of the combatants.

In "Book Thief," by Markus Zusack, the narrator (Death) poignantly informs that soldiers who run off into battle exuberantly think they are running at the enemy when, in reality, they are running into the arms of Death. Killing an enemy does not destroy the idea that inspired its warriors. The idea lives on and the death it brings continues and reinforces the devotion of the survivors to pursue its same purpose. You see, wars fought against enemies are never won, they just temporarily create a momentary cessation of hostility, until we get on with the business of genocide.

An idea cannot be destroyed by killing those infected with it, for the very ideas are endowed and infused with the power by the exponential numbers of its martyred servants. Truly, we sow the seeds of our own destruction if we see the man as our enemy, and not the ideas and ideology that are the engines of his actions. For these ideas corrupt all into believing them, and have forces beyond our own mortalities.

 So, kill the ideas and win the hearts and minds of all of your enemies. That is the only way to go. We can run towards our enemies, into the arms of death, and continue the bloody cycle and thereby become as bankrupt and naive as those we think we despise, or we can run toward the evil ideas that enslave them and find peace.

We think we fought the Germans, Italians, and Japanese in WWI. We did not. We fought the ideologies that inspired them to arms. That is why we won. That is why we all won. While we momentarily raged into battle raining death upon our enemies, in the end, when the guns were silent, we set aside our hatred. Instead of burying the living remnants of our enemies, we worked side-by-side with them to bury the remaining remnants of our mutual hatred.

Today, we do not fight the people of Hamas, Isis, Russia, or Al-Qaeda, we fight the evil ideas that embolden them, and necessarily, the leaders who use those ideas to foment fear in order to whip otherwise good people into a frenzy to unleash death and destruction.

Never forget that. Instead of running into Death's arms, run toward the light, toward life, toward peace, even though we may loose our lives to achieve it.

Loren M. Lambert © July 25, 2014

Civil Society’s Character Scaffolding

Laura Hillenbrand's biography, “Unbroken,” is about U.S. Olympian Louis Zamperini. It describes the horrendously violent torture and misery that WW II POW Japanese Camp commander Mutsuhiro Watanabe (The Bird) inflicted upon Louis and other camp inmates. He often beat them until they passed out, and he subjected them to starvation, extreme cold, and enslavement.

After the war, Mutsuhiro escaped capture and most likely a death sentence by hiding in a small Japanese farming community. When the U.S. commuted and dropped all pending war crime sentences and indictments, Mutsuhiro became a very wealthy and successful business man. In several interviews, he showed varying degrees of contrition that never quite took responsibility for his crimes, but he also indicated that it was the war that pushed him over the edge. He asserted that had there been no war, he would have gone through life, by all appearances, a normal, caring, and empathetic human being.

He was probably right. If it had been otherwise, his behavior would have possibly started before the war and most likely continued after the war.

When civil society breaks down, when those in authority are allowed to act in secrecy or with impunity, and when we send soldiers into the chaos of war, there are always those among us who devolve into ugly beasts, and who succumb to their most base instincts.

Remember that before being completely unforgiving of those we have sent into war, and against those who have been our enemies. Remember that before we casually decide to commit our young men into foreign conflicts. These wars do not just create casualties of the physical body, but of the mind and spirit. Not that there should be no accountability for such behavior, but that the pressures and absurdities of war should be taken into consideration.

Remember that, also, when we think that laws governing and restricting those in power and authority over us are deemed as obsolete or unnecessary – including laws governing voting rights, discrimination, wages, privacy rights, civil rights, etc. We will always need the strictures of civil society to rein in the excesses of those who find the seductive influence of power too overwhelming to resist and give in to bullying their fellowmen for either their own sadistic pleasure, for their enrichment, or the delusion that they are morally superior and that those they inflict harm upon deserve it.

Loren M. Lambert © July 24, 2014

Medical Care Professional's Shortage

On one of NPR’s local programs, I heard an interview with a CEO of a medical staffing corporation here in Utah. He indicated that on any given day, there are between 20 to 30,000 job openings for medical professionals across the U.S.  He further indicated that there is a workforce shortage of medical professionals in this country. (No, this is not a shortage caused by the ACA. This has long been the story in our country.)

I think I mentioned, a few months ago, that I attended a luncheon in which I met a French physician who said that her husband (a licensed doctor, and one of the leading experts in the world in the field of neurology) had been going through a very complex and expensive process to obtain his license here in the United States. He is here, engaged in cutting-edge research on neurological diseases. She is unable to practice while here, also.

This is illustrative of the Achilles heel of the American medical establishment that has prevented market forces from providing inexpensive and efficient healthcare services to the U.S. population and has thereby catapulted the current healthcare reforms into place.

If Republicans and conservatives are sincerely serious about allowing the markets to work in our healthcare system, they needs to relax the U.S. medical community’s stranglehold on medical education and licensing.

Loren M. Lambert © July 23, 2014

Quid Pro Quo

"Si se puede." (Yes, we can.) ~Cesar Chavez (way more important than Presidents Nixon or Reagan)

What person, government, or business has lead reforms (before they were demanded) for the least powerful, and the under-trodden, with no expectations of a quid pro quo?  Answer: Cesar Chavez.

Loren M. Lambert © July 22, 2014

Mormon Girl Auctions Off Virginity For Church Repairs; Church Then Bans Her For Life (nationalreport.net)

Can this be true? It sounds like an Onion article. I've also heard rumors that this is LDS Apostle Dallin Oaks' niece.

I dearly hope it's all true, just for the amusing aspect of it. However, it's a little hard to believe that even a silly teenaged girl could possibly have thought the church would be okay with it.

http://nationalreport.net/mormon-girl-auctions-virginity-church-repairs/

Loren M. Lambert © July 22, 2014

Malaysian Passenger Jet Shot Down

The Russian Separatists won't allow the international community to investigate the downing of the Malaysian Passenger Jet. Simply tell them the same I tell potential opponents in litigation: If you choose not to respond, I'll assume our allegations are true.

If you won't let us investigate, we will rightfully assume you shot it down.

Loren M. Lambert © July 22, 2014

Corporate Lawyers Approach Litigation Like Terrorists

Most corporate lawyers, with whom I have dealt, approach litigation like terrorists, dictators, etc. It is never a matter of what would be just, fair, equitable, or reasonable; it's almost always a matter of what they can force as the best possible outcome for their interests, by whatever means allowable. It is only power that concerns them.

They ask: What power do you have to minimize my outcome? In the face of that power, should I modify my goals?  If your case and the system does not match up to its power, you will lose.

Loren M. Lambert © July 21, 2014

The Monikers of Chamberlain & Vietnam

The monikers of "Chamberlain" & "Vietnam" are always trotted out as arrows, anecdotes, and shortcuts to solutions and analysis.  If you seek peace, you are a Chamberlain, selling out to the Nazis.  If you advocate any bellicose response, you are involving us in another Vietnam-like war.

Does anyone out there have anything to offer but a cry of death and destruction or appeasement? I promise there always has been and always will be a middle ground between these two roads to disaster for those who choose to think.

Loren M. Lambert © July 20, 2014

Teach Israel To Win Hearts and Minds of Enemies

When possible, it would be well to first determine how to reach our enemy's heart before designing how to obliterate his body.

There may be truth in Israel’s contention that if its adversaries disarmed, there would be peace, and that if Israel disarmed, there would be no Israel. However, I fear and suspect that Israelis are often too quick to play the victim with a justification to exact a harsh defense. In such a state of mind, they never pause to acknowledge that it is Palestine and other recalcitrant leaders who are their adversaries and not the populations they allegedly lead. Rather than engaging in lopsided defense maneuvers, Israel and the West would do well to ponder the more complex and difficult question of how to win the hearts and minds of a beleaguered, and often manipulated people who are taught and even coerced into hating everyone but their own. Truly, there are many good, genuine, Palestinians who are prisoners of their circumstances and who want peace. Who speaks for them? Who protects them?  Should the world community and Israel take them into consideration?

We wish, hope, pray for, and aspire that all people, everywhere, take responsibility for their own progress, and throw off the yokes of oppression. Unfortunately, ignorance, fear, and need – not to mention, a highly weaponized government – are sometimes almost insurmountable obstacles to their, and our, aspirations. Despite this, I would still submit that a majority of the Palestinians would chose peace over war, given the choice and the freedom to exercise it. We merely need to make more effort in discovering how to reach their hearts, and empower them to reject the tyranny of leaders who espouse hatred and destruction, rather than showering them all with missiles. Instead, Israel’s policies of settlement and acquisition are often designed to alienate their hearts and repress their spirits.

Loren M. Lambert © July 17, 2014

Shurtleff and Swallow Are Examples Of Collusion

Current events, here in Utah, remind us that whether here in Utah, or in Iraq, or in Russia, the populace should always be suspicious of an office holder who wants to "ordain" his or her successor. (Shurtleff to Swallow: "I'll get your ass in, if you'll protect mine when I'm out.")

Loren M. Lambert © July 17, 2014

More U.S. GIs Perished in Japanese POW Camps Than in Nazi and Italian POW Camps

According to Laura Hillenbrand, in her book, “Unbroken,” one to two percent of U.S. GIs perished in Nazi and Italian POW camps, and 25 percent of U.S. GIs perished in Japanese POW camps.  I find it curious: While neither Germany, nor Japan, should be forever chastised for their World War II past, why are the Nazis so frequently trotted out as the example of all things evil? We should share the infamy and let a few other past bad examples get some play.

Loren M. Lambert © July 15, 2014

History (Native American, Etc.)

I’m often disconsolate about the gaps in my knowledge. One area that has dogged me is my knowledge of Native American history.  It’s a raged wisp of what it should be.

When I attended elementary school, I was taught the following: that we bought Manhattan from Native Americans for a few buttons, and thereby eventually everything; that the pilgrims and Lewis and Clark were rescued by Native Americans; that the Native Americans were "noble savages" who lived in harmony with the land; that we broke a lot of treaties with them, but they shot a lot of arrows, so it all kind of muddled along and worked out (sort of) in the end. It was all very general, shallow, and imprecise, leaving me with a caricature.

While I've done better, since then, in learning their traditions and history, I still know so very little. But I’m going to tackle it.

Why should I, or you, care? History, like the roots of trees, nourishes and shapes our present. We cannot be free of it. It’s not just a matter of learning from history so as not to repeat it. It’s of great and indispensable importance for understanding who we are as a people and how the currents of our yesterdays reverberate in the oceans of our present and will fill the seas of our tomorrows.

          It’s also important that we know our history, with all of its disappointments, so that we understand the wrongs, as well as the triumphs of our fathers. This is not necessarily so we can atone for our sins, wallow in our mistakes, or bring in a brighter future. However, to be ignorant of the wrongs of slavery, the errors of our adventurism, and the depredation of our Native Americans is to, again, demean their existence, to pass them off as unimportant, and to continue to be smug about our assumed importance.

To honor our friends and loved ones, we would think ourselves uncaring and insensitive to shirk taking the time to learn about their lives, their histories. If we truly believe in honoring and loving all men and extending good will to all cultures, we should strive to learn their histories with as much zeal as pursuing a lover.

I've finally started down the Native American path to gain a greater understanding of their culture and history. I challenge you pick just one area of knowledge that the universe has been urging you to discover, until the day when we truly do extend peace on earth and good will to all. Yes, it will be life-long journey of learning.

Loren M. Lambert © July 14, 2014

I Want Smart Pipes

I want smart pipes: pipes that tell you when they are going to burst; pipes that tell you if they are going to get plugged; pipes that don't smoke a doobie over the weekend just because they can and you show up to work and they're all stoned and leaking all over your building. I want smart pipes.

Loren M. Lambert © July 11, 2014

A Corporation Should Not Be Considered “A Person”

There are many people who think corporations are not people. There are many people who think they are. There are many people who agree with the Supreme Court's 5 to 4 decision on Hobby Lobby. There are others who do not (as with many other decisions). None of the parties on either side (that I am aware of), have taken up arms and started shooting each other. Maybe you, or people you know, have. I don't know of any.

To hype and sell products and keep up ratings, pundits – especially those at Fox News – like to characterize any political, social, or scientific disagreement as a "war." There is a war in the Ukraine. There is a war in the Congo. There is a war in Iraq and Syria, where people are dying horrible deaths as we speak. There is no war on Hobby Lobby. To call it such cheapens and trivializes the lives of those who are dying, and it strains and stifles reasonable discourse.

I'm okay with part of the Hobby Lobby decision – the part that will allow some departure from the one-size-fits-all policies. Our country can live and prosper with it. I understand the sentiments on both sides. Each have valid points, and no, I'm not interested in debating them. I am interested in understanding peoples’ concerns. I'm not okay with the legal precedent that corporations are people.

Loren M. Lambert © July 9, 2014

Utah’s Historical Polices

According to Ned Blackhawk, we in Utah are viewed by many Native Americans to have had some of the most onerous and repressive policies of assimilation and termination. Why  are we taught that we were so much better in our policies than others? I’m curious what others may know on this subject.

Loren M. Lambert © July 8, 2014

Book Reviews in a Nutshell

The Book Thief was intimate.

Batman, The Dark Knight Rises was grandly malpanoramic.

There Is Always Hope reminds you that sometimes the best among us do not always stand at the pulpits, sparkle with embossed gold, nor intone acceptance speeches.

Loren M. Lambert © July 6, 2014

Salt Lake City Poised to Make Millions In a Few Months! Do Your Part! Here’s How:

Yesterday, on a green arrow, I made a left hand turn on 800 South onto West Temple to take the southbound on-ramp onto I-15. If you’re familiar with this area, you know you must move to the center and the far-right southbound lanes, or else you will wind back onto West Temple instead of the freeway. 

As long as I can do so safely, my practice has always been to immediately move into the center lane during my left turn. This time, a Salt Lake City police officer, standing on the side of the road by his motorcycle, waived me over. I thought maybe it was for a routine check of everyone to see if we had our rabies shot or something.

I politely asked what was wanted and he politely told me that I was being ticketed, because while making the left-hand turn into the center lane, I did not use my right-hand signal. In fact, while he was writing me a ticket, he waived over the next victim. I had no idea that that was the law. If it is the law, the law is an ass with an superfluous public servant riding it. (Superfluous, because in this case, he really could be doing something better with his time.) This law for making that left-hand turn is superfluous because 1) you’re still turning left while traveling to the center lane, 2) your signal has not shut off from the left turn and would be need to break in order to signal right, 3) if you signaled right and waited the required three seconds before moving into the next lane, you will be stuck in the inside lane to West Temple, and 4) since there is no intersecting traffic when making a left turn on a green arrow, there is no one who would benefit from your signaling. Signaling in these circumstances is an exercise in futility. However, maybe, just maybe, it’s a benevolent act of charity that can make our city wealthy.

Go to any downtown busy intersection with four lanes or more and watch how many vehicles (when making a left turn) cross through the inside lane to any of the outside lanes without using their right hand signal. It’s virtually everyone! What a great revenue-producing idea! I did this very same thing today. In 10 minutes, literally 40 vehicles violated that law. At $100 a pop, that’s $4,000 in ten minutes.

Think of the possibilities! This is probably happening in every busy intersection in the entire valley. Our men in blue, black, and brown could literally have the city raking in millions. Even better: They could out-source the job to me for free, and I’ll only charge 35 percent of the incoming revenue. Deal? Then the cops could be out there doing what cops do best: exercising at Gold’s Gym, and maybe even stopping or solving a crime.

Loren M. Lambert © June 25, 2014

State’s Rights and Anti-Federalist Sentiment

What did state's rights and anti-federalist sentiment mean in Georgia and the South in the early 1800s? It meant it could murder its Native American population and strengthen the institution of slavery with impunity.

What will it mean in Utah? That is yet to be seen; but do not blindly think that all things local are the bees knees to land use policies and healthcare expansion.

Loren M. Lambert © June 24, 2014

Bill Cunningham Predicts Hillary As Our Next President

If the drip line seems to be on all the time, it probably is.

If Bill Cunningham (host of The Great American) says that, absent some catastrophe, Hillary Clinton will be our next president, she probably will be.

Loren M. Lambert © June 24, 2014

Nebuchadnezzar’s Dream and Our Modern Empire

Just as Daniel interpreted a dream of Nebuchadnezzar (king of Babylon) – about a statue made of four metals with feet of clay – most empires, as ours, rest on such feet of clay, because despite our fairy tales of holy beginnings and royal ancestry, we have all benefited by the acts of scoundrels.

(Our feet of clay, today: Johnson v. McIntosh, 21 U.S. [8 Wheat.]543 [1823].)

Loren M. Lambert © June 22, 2014

ASS On Water Bottles

According to ASS (Ants for Socialistic Solidarity), every year, enough water is wasted from half-drunken water bottles, and spewed from broken sprinkler heads, to fill the Aral Sea.

Loren M. Lambert © June 22, 2014

Caring For Our Aged Loved Ones

If you want to determine the best place to place an aging loved one, look at the pay of the people responsible for their care.

Loren M. Lambert © June 19, 2014

Perpetual Tourist

“Nothing new, same life, I am like the ocean breeze. I blow inland in the evening, and out in the morning – in short, annoying as hell, or as welcome as peace, depending on the median temperature and your affinity for wind." ~Loren Lambert, Perpetual Tourist

Loren M. Lambert © June 13, 2014

Until We Wake Again

The bravado of memories made legend,
The sturm und drang of weights for my resistance,
The soothing remolding of muscle and bone,
The hustle of heart spun into gold,
The teamwork of two for perfections untold,
And the civil wars ballad of Same Old Same Old made new, 
Until we wake again.

Loren M. Lambert © April 10, 2014

Why Does Horseshit Smell Like Roses When Vomited From The Right Mouth?

Question:  What do the following statements or beliefs have in common; and why does one smell like a fragrant rose?

The Ayatollah believes that no Christian should ever rule over Iran.

The King of Saudi Arabia believes that no male member outside his family, and no female should ever rule over Saudi Arabia.

A Pope, centuries ago, said no one but a Catholic should ever rule over Spain.

China's communist party has decreed that no one should rule over China who is not a member of their communist party.

A politician stated that John F. Kennedy should not serve as president of the United States because he was a Catholic.

Many U.S. politicians have stated and believed that African-Americans should be enslaved, then not allowed to vote, and then should not be elected to any governmental office.

Presidential candidate, Ben Carson, and many others have said a Muslim should not be president of the United States.

Answer: It's all anti-U.S.-constitutional horseshit. However, Ben Carson's horseshit smells so nice because it assuages our own fear, comports with our own biases, and reveals our inability to understand that universal principles and immutable rights should be championed, revered, and implemented by all people – even us.  I might add: It seems innocuous when stated by a soft-spoken neurosurgeon (who I was beginning to appreciate for his civil presentation skills and intelligence). I’m sure many felt his statement must be okay, yet it is as vile as the statements uttered by some of our own past leaders and other bigoted leaders worldwide.

A U.S. citizen is well within his or her right to prefer having a “Christian” as president if it is believed that the Christian candidate does, in fact, believe and exemplify the Christian values that the voter felt would make that candidate a better president.  However, it is a totally different matter when an individual running for president reveals, by his statements, that he does not understand our Constitution – the same Constitution that he would be swearing an oath to follow and uphold. 

Loren M. Lambert © September 20, 2015

Still A Jury of the Estranged In a More Enlightened World

Out of the 28-member jury pool in jury selection this week was a large contingent of WILDS (white, impressive, Latter-Day Saints), including a well-spoken, slightly heavy-set, attractive, single-female temple-grounds gardener. Also, among the jury pool sat two gay individuals who acknowledged (without pause or diffidence) their gay partners when asked to indicate their spouse’s occupation. 

This openness by the LGBT community rarely happened just a few years ago. In my opinion, this is a welcome societal shift because it shows progress in bringing these members of our community within the circle of our humanity, culture, and communion. It also engenders honesty, and thereby conveys important information.

However, this openness has adverse consequences in jury selections. This is because we do not select a jury of our peers; we winnow the pool by the process of elimination – first, by challenges for cause, and then by each attorney – for any unspoken reasons – eliminating three persons. The remaining first eight are seated. When a party or an important witness to the litigation is a minority, this invariably eliminates any member of his or her class and saturates the sometimes collective bias of the majority.

In my particular case, a gay man was our key witness. The opposing side knew this. We needed a juror who could relate to the peculiar challenges that such a person sometimes faces in our society. Who do you think was peremptorily eliminated from the jury pool by the opposing counsel? If you guessed the temple grounds gardener, you are wrong. It was the lesbian. (The other gay man was too far down the lineup to be selected.)

This is not a diatribe against WILDS or WASPS. It is also not a claim that one member of a minority is invariably lenient or apt to give his or her minority a pass or an unfair advantage. They don’t. They sometimes are more harsh. What I do believe is that we in the majority sometimes are insensitive, ignorant, and even, at times, unfairly biased against minorities. When you are in the minority and know this to be true, you would take great comfort in having a peer or two on your jury sitting in judgment.

Unfortunately, the consequence of jury winnowing is that we don’t get a jury of our peers; we get a jury that is estranged from the issues, experiences, and needs of minority litigants. For instance, imagine being a WILDS in the early 1800s and having a jury trial in the Missouri capitol and having your jury selected from a pool of mainly non-Mormons: Would you want to have at least one member of your faith on the jury?

We should fix our jury system to be sensitive to this issue by retaining challenges for cause and then allowing each attorney to select, rather then eliminate, persons to serve on the jury (half the jury selected by each side). This would, truly, be a jury of our peers.

Loren M. Lambert © June 13, 2014

So Much Beauty In The World

"So much beauty in the world, and much of it is created within the opposition of the elements. Consequently, its fullness of sensation is beyond our grasp when cocooned in the comfort we so foolishly wrap about ourselves during the majority of our lives. Be cold, sweat, be bitten, be bruised, get dirty, and be renewed." ~Perpetual Tourist, Loren Lambert

Loren M. Lambert © June 11, 2014

Drowning Out The World

Want a “stay-cation” energization?

For those who don't live in a pool as competitive swimmers, simply plying the pool with a freestyle glide is not only exhilarating – because it exercises the body – but because it literally drowns out the world in the white noise of the swirling water. Then, you're free to fill in those spaces with the fantasy of your choosing.

Today, I choose to travel to Martian landscape, and I'll imagine I'm living in it this Saturday, while acting in the student film, Terra Firma, set near Goblin Valley.

Don't have much time between work tasks? Take a stay-cation at your local pool and find the vista as expansive as your imagination allows it to be.

Loren M. Lambert © June 5, 2014

Why I Can't Watch Survivor

My wife is on a watch-all-things Survivor kick. She is very wrapped in. I watched several episodes on a DVD she had obtained. It is a fascinating and enthralling "reality" show.

She watches and has no compelling wishes that she was a participant. I watch and I want to be there next week. I see myself thriving there and feel it is a waste I'm sitting on my couch and they're striving, scheming, and plotting their way to their million. While I can be pleased for those who succeed, I am more depressed I am not participating.

So, I can't watch survivor. Can you?

Loren M. Lambert © June 4, 2014

Sunroof or the Cool Breeze Roof

I bought my car specifically with a sunroof. The extra money I paid was pricey, but I think cars somehow look several thousand dollars more pricey with the sunroof. I open it up about 1-3 times in the fall, and the same amount of times in the spring, if I remember. However, I don't use it for a sunroof. I'm sun adverse. I use it for a night-time, cool breeze roof.

It's kind of like the easy access fly on my shorts. I never use it – not even 1-3 times in the spring or the fall – but the possibility of using it makes it all feel more potent, efficient, important, and special. It adds pizzazz value and little utility, just like a tie, but not as visible.

Tonight was a beautiful night. I remembered to use my sunroof. I opened it wide and let my hand surf the wind (the simple pleasures in life!). Sunroofs allow owners an occasional cool breeze with a “pricey feel.”  Nice!  Priceless! Who can put a price on the value of a hand surfing the wind, and the feel of a cool breeze, and the smell of the fresh air?

Loren M. Lambert © June 1, 2014

Pillow Artist For Hire

It is official. I am finally quitting my job to follow my dreams.

I am becoming a full-time Pillow Artist!

I already have a small route through the cove area.

For a small fee, I slink into your home after everyone has left for their busy hard-knock day. Then, with great aplomb and dispatch design, I create and execute an ineffable display of fantastic pillow artistry.

When you return home, weary from a hard day’s work, this pillow display will entice you to your bed, and with dreams of pillow art in your head, will leave you with the excitement that after another day, you will rush home to discover a new and equally fantastic pillow art display.

(I also do couches and other pillow-accepting furniture.)

Loren M. Lambert © May 28, 2014

Male Genitalia, Female Mammary Glands, and Leftie Conspiracies Abound (Also: Can You Sail Under the Suggestion of a Pirate, or Can You Not?)

Many would accuse me of being exploitive and unnecessarily sensational for what I’m about to say – and they would be right. However, I couldn’t think of a better analogy.

My psychologist friends would be familiar with this malady: Years ago, a potential client wanted to sue his employer for sexual harassment, and for creating a sexually hostile work environment.

His complaint was that his supervisors and co-workers were almost constantly, without remorse or any sense of circumspection, literally flooding the workplace with graphic and visual depictions of the male genitalia and female mammary glands. To impress upon my mind the vast extent of this prurient depravity, he proceeded to extract (from the triple-layered plastic Wal-mart grocery sacks he substituted for a suitcase and multipurpose filing cabinet) numerous photographs of the offending materials.

While a few photographs seemed (if viewed at a great distance through cataracts) to resemble these less-frequently viewed and most cherished – yet also reviled – body parts, it soon became evident that if this poor soul’s coworker had vomited up a pile of glass shards, or had accidentally crushed an arm in a metal press, he would have envisioned all the sensual carnalities ever imagined by men (and a few women), as well as enough breasts and penises for use by all the world's cosmetic plastic surgeons for time and all eternity, to emulate as worthy models in their Artisian surgeries.

This person’s chronic mental health condition was not unlike the condition that beset the early explorers (mostly male), who started naming all the mountain formations after females and their body parts. One notable example are the Grand Tetons, a French name, which, in English, would be the Grand Tits, or Grand Breasts, or Grand Mammary Glands. (We need to reciprocate and see if one of the French Alps could be named the Grand Tits and see if that sounds as neat to them as the Grand Tetons do to us.)

Just as this past potential client of mine tended to see male genitalia and female mammary glands in all he saw, some of my conservative friends somehow see every idea, comment, or breath from someone who does not bear the Fox News, or Glen Beck, conservative stamp of approval as a leftie conspiracy, to bring upon them the totalitarian apocalypse.

Case in point: I wrote a recent post (below) that was about littering, and it was deemed proof of a leftie conpiracy. Polluting and littering are not leftie, liberal, or progressive issues. It’s littering. It's polluting. Both are forms of theft that steal our money, not in an in-your-face robbery, but an after-the-fact embezzlement. This post concerned three post-pubescent girls littering up Big Cottonwood Canyon.  I hate it just as much when I see slobs at Gold’s Gym leave their water bottles, packaging, and used Q-tips on the floor, or when I see those who go to games with their fat (or skinny) spouses and pack of loud (or quiet) brats who leave all their trash behind in the stadium. I go out of my way to pick up trash at Gold’s Gyms and other places because they are sacred to me ( just like the canyons are sacred), even though they are privately owned.

I don’t want to spend my money on higher taxes, higher gym fees, or higher game ticket fees (or higher private park entrance fees) because other slobs and their progeny want other people to pick up their garbage. I don’t want to spend money on cleaning up a world that is suffocating under our filth because we can’t get our act together. Why isn’t that everybody’s issue? Why is it a “leftie issue?”

 Maybe it is just because I am the messenger. After all, I am a pirate, not a card-carrying conservative. But don’t let me get in the way of my message. Regarding my post below, the simultaneous thought and comment that I and my fellow pirate (Mansour Aryazand) made was that the littering bimbos may have hucked their garbage while they thought they were out of sight. They did this possibly to spite us, because I had earlier suggested they had accidentally dropped their garbage, which got them to pick it up. I have met lots of stupid, ignorant people who, when called on their crap – whether it’s slobbish, repulsive, rude, ignorant, or criminal behavior – will simply engage in additional stupid behavior just to spite the world. Should that stop us from pointing out the wrongs we see and trying to change it? Let’s face it, it’s hard to figure out a way to get through to such people, but get through we must.

I want to borrow and paraphrase the words of my fellow favorite and famous pirate, Jack Sparrow, from Pirates of the Caribbean:

The only rules that really matter are these: what a people can do, and what a people can't do. For instance, you can accept that your fellow sojourners are pirates, and yet still capable of much good; or you can’t. Pirate is in your blood and that of your fellowmen/women, so you'll have to square with that some day. And for me, for example: I can let you all be stupid and soil your bed, but I can't bring this earth into the next century all by me onesies. Savvy? So, can you and those with whom you associate stop polluting and throwing all your junk around, and sail under the suggestion of a pirate? Or, can you not?

Loren M. Lambert © May 27, 2014

You Get What You Pay For – Why Revenge In Some Circumstances Would Be Sweet (On Littering)

I must confess, revenge is on my mind. It would be just and would send the right message.

After a rejuvenating, epic, and completely exhausting hike up Mount Raymond with my friend, Mansour, we arrived around 7 pm at our car, which was parked in the S-Curve parking lot up Big Cottonwood Canyon. I had run out of water walking down and I retrieved the extra water that I had brought from my car. The hike was up a trail that few travel, at Mill B North Fork. This trail wound its way past jagged cliffs, verdant forest, and crystal-clear waterfalls. It seemed a rare part of our mountains, unspoiled and unmarred by trash and overuse.

As I stood at the side of my car, gulping down the water, three attractive, barely post-pubescent females (two blonde Caucasians and an African-American), who were soon to reveal themselves as stupid bimbos, drove into the lot in a sleek, shiny, new, red Volvo Convertible. They strategically parked so they could enjoy the stunningly beautiful canyon as the sun was descending deep into the western sky. They were enjoying a meal of pizza, bread sticks, and soda. Then, one of them casually threw some garbage out onto the ground next to them.

Every now and then, I just can’t refrain from calling out peoples’ irresponsibility. So, I yelled, “Hey, you dropped something!” They tried to ignore me, but after several more suggestions that they pick it up, one of them eventually, without opening the door, jumped out and picked it up. Mission accomplished?

Here is some insight to how I feel about littering: 

I lived in Spain for a year while enrolled in the University of Seville. I loved my experience there and I loved the Spanish people and culture. However, one thing really bugged me. Although everyone’s houses seemed to appear spotless, it seemed that when out and about, most everyone always threw all their garbage on the ground. In fact, their roadsides and open country were veritable junkyards.

Whether you were out or in the county, you had to watch your step and often hold your nose. When I’d be walking with my Spanish friends, they would often unwrap candy, popsicles, or store items and throw their trash on the street, even if a garbage can was in throwing reach. I got fed up. In a very theatrical manner, emphatically telegraphing visually and orally my intentions and actions, I would litter. I would announce, “Gee, I have some garbage. What should I do? Hmmmm? I think I’ll throw it on the ground even though there is a garbage receptacle I am dangling this garbage over this very second.” Then I’d throw it on the ground. I did this several times with a few of my friends.

They scolded me. I asked them why they scolded me when I had watched them do the same many times. Their response was: “We can litter, but since you’re an American from the U.S., you can’t. Besides, it gives work for the poor.” I asked, “Wouldn’t you rather spend money on other things than having poor people pick up your garbage?” “What else would they do?” they asked. I explained that people will adjust to do whatever they need to do, and that if your only aspiration for the poor was that they picked up your street garbage, then that is what you would end up with – a country full of those who unnecessarily created garbage and those who cleaned it up. My friends in Spain did not thereafter litter – at least not in my presence.

I also touted to them my hometown’s cleanliness, and that I had been taught to leave things better than I found them, and that we had pristine, garbage-free forests and mountains. Sadly, today we, too, are becoming like my Spanish friends, leaving our canyons and roadsides a mess.

Back to the three post pubescent females:

At the end of their meal, the three started up their convertible, gunned it out of the parking lot, and when they thought they were out of view, heaved all of their garbage onto the road. Such conduct outrages me because there is no excuse. I don’t want to pay people to pick up garbage. I want to pay for improvements in our infrastructure and other more important things.  I don’t want a Utah that looks like the Spanish countryside, full of rotting trash.

Please, if this is what you, your friends, your family, or your acquaintances do – don’t. And please encourage those you know not to do it, either.

Furthermore, I believe there couldn’t be too many new, red, Volvo convertibles in the Salt Lake Valley that these littering bimbos are driving. So, if you know these three, please introduce me to them, because I’d like to bring my trash and throw it into their homes, for that is what Utah’s public lands are to me. They are my home, they are precious, and I cherish them. I suspect if I had been some young male they wanted to impress, they would not have littered. If you are such a person, kindly tell them this behavior is inappropriate.

Otherwise, the revenge of trashing their home would be just and sweet, because they need to understand that our public lands are our legacy and heritage. There is simply no excuse for those who drive into our canyons to enjoy their beauty and who then trash them on their way out.

Loren M. Lambert © May 26, 2014

The VA's Most Recent Scandal

I'm currently litigating against the VA. Like the current scandal rocking the VA, the suit concerns a lack of leadership. The scandal, and my case, are admittedly partially due one of the failings in government-provided services.

At its core, I think, is this issue: Many who fill leadership roles at the VA are retired military personnel, who should certainly have a calling and affinity for the veterans they serve, but who are collecting a government pension along with their salaries. I anecdotally wonder if they view the VA as a cushy retirement club to make a little pocket change and are complacent about their work. This appears to have been the attitude of some I have encountered in my research of my case.

When I was in the military, it often appeared that the twenty-year retirement, all-or-nothing plan, created a lot of perversity in the ranks when reaching twenty years became more important than what was the best for the country. One of the bad examples in this litigation instructed his charges on the benefits and virtues of "triple dipping” – that is, collecting both a military and VA retirement and then receiving consulting fees by working for a government contractor.

Maybe that system should change. Just a thought.

Loren M. Lambert © May 24, 2014

Love The Smell Of Spring

Love the thought of new life, pushing up from the garden.

Love my luck! (I was so relieved that my  home sprinkler system was entirely intact after discovering [after the first of January, during that around-0-freezing spell] water spurting out of one line of sprinklers!)

Loren M. Lambert © May 18, 2014

The Smell of Babies (A New Perfume by Burberry)

A study found that the smell of newborn babies lights up the female brain in the same area that is lit up by chocolate. As a result, many procreation-minded religions are banning chocolate from their congregation's diet.

In a related study, it was found that the smell of newborn babies lights up the male brain in same area that is lit up while mowing the lawn or heading off to hunt rabbits. As a result, many procreation-minded religions are banning men from doing anything – which they then realized they were already doing.

Loren M. Lambert © May 14, 2014

Wild Horses, The Avatar, and Xanadu

Of all cultures, we, in the U.S., anthropomorphise (ascribe human form or attributes to things) the most.

Today, my son was home from BYU. We discussed Utah's wild horse population, which is devastating the desert because it has no natural predators.

We also discussed how science is showing that the connections of life are not far off from the animist beliefs depicted in The Avatar.

Science is discovering amazing intelligences and connections in many animals, and even in plants. Plants actually sense, see, plan, and have relationships.

Everything must live in balance. Without balance, every living thing within the sphere of that dissonance suffers.

The Patowami or Objibway language does not refer to the flora and fauna as "it," but embraces life in a language that elevates it as our kin. The Native American woman who explained this said it causes you to be more connected to our world.

However, this connection to life does not mean one of naivety, or holding a simplistic or unrealistic view of the circle of life.

What does this have to do with horses? They were not native. They have no natural predators here. At their and other animals’ expense, they are overpopulating the land. They are not playing a part in Xanadu, but are creating the opposite and are losing their connection to life, because they are out of balance.

Yes, I think they are majestic beings. I felt this magical connection the first time I encountered a wild horse. However, all life is precious. We should not elevate one species of life over others just because we have found a way to domesticate her/him for our own purposes. Antelope, desert sheep, deer, etc. are as intelligent and as valuable as horses.

It's time to have a rational discussion about how balance must be established in our deserts. Perhaps we need to anthropomorphise less, view all life as our brothers and sisters, and realize Xanadu comes at the price of balance.

Loren M. Lambert © May 12, 2014

Powwow Rally To Take Back San Juan County

This coming weekend, I invite you to camp out on San Juan County Commissioner Phil Lyman's yard for a powwow to 1) help the Native Americans take back the land that his ancestors took from the native populations, and then 2) bar him and all his gun-touting, carbon pollution-belching, ATV-riding friends from Recapture Canyon.

As you may have heard, Lyman fomented a rally to encourage criminals to come to his county in our state, to pollute, ruin our public lands, and desecrate Recapture Canyon. Please send him an email to let him know if you would like to reserve a campsite in his yard or at the county commissioner's building.

Are Lyman’s actions and possible violations of the law any different than Tim DeChristopher’s (who was sent to prison for protesting oil and gas exploration leases) and the Occupy Wallstreet protesters who were arrested in Pioneer Park?  No. He should be investigated and prosecuted if he is found to have violated any state or federal laws.

At the very least, he should be forced to resign.

Please send him an email, fax, or give him a call and tell him you'd like to reserve your campsite:

Phil Lyman
Office Address: P.O. Box 9
Monticello, Utah 84535
Phone:(435)587-3225
Cell Phone:(435)459-1079
Fax: (435)587-2447
phil1@lymancpa.com

Loren M. Lambert © May 10, 2014

The Power To Overcome All

“My parents gave me love and I knew that whatever happened to me, they couldn’t take that away. I would always know my parents loved me. That’s what got me through all this,” said Elizabeth Smart at a silent auction and benefit dinner for Holding Out Help, at the La Caille Restaurant.

Empower your children to overcome all obstacles. Love them. Everything else is secondary.

Loren M. Lambert © May 9, 2014

Freedom of Speech

The twins of freedom of speech are 1) the freedom to speak your mind, and 2) the maturity to allow others room to speak theirs – even when it discomfits or offends.

Loren M. Lambert © May 6, 2014

If Pain Or Death Is God’s Punishment, Let Him Who Is Without Sin or Fault Inflict It

For most of human history, and currently in many populous countries, our species has used death, pain, and fear to punish and subjugate others. Criminals, corrupt government officials, dictators, and authoritarian countries inflict pain through torture and murder to eliminate their enemies, subjugate their populace, and extract incriminating statements from detainees. This infliction of pain can be as innocuous as short deprivations, or it can lead to tortures that culminate in death. Currently, around 112 countries use mayhem, mutilation, corporal punishment, and capital punishment, including whipping, caning, dismemberment, castration, stoning, hanging, shooting and lethal injection as punishment for blasphemy, homosexual acts, theft, drug use, apostasy, and promiscuity.

After September 11, 2001, our own country, in what was one of our darkest hours, justified and rationalized the use of torture, either inflicted at the hands of our own security forces, or by proxy, through rendition to surrogate countries. With the election of President Obama, it is hoped that such practices have been eliminated. Nonetheless, this history indicates that as a species, we have taken what was a positive natural phenomena meant to preserve our existence, and have corrupted it into a negative, sinister force of oppression through which we manipulate others.

Similar to all states, the U.S. and Utah’s Constitutions prohibit cruel and unusual punishment. The Utah Supreme Court indicated that “[A] punishment is "excessive" and unconstitutional if it (1) makes no measurable contribution to acceptable goals of punishment and hence is nothing more than the purposeless and needless imposition of pain and suffering; or (2) is grossly out of proportion to the severity of the crime. A punishment might fail the test on either ground.” The court further indicated that: “when the State causes suffering that is ‘wanton, insensate, or vindictive,’ when it inflicts punishment in a spirit of bitterness or sadism, it can no longer be called necessary. . . A punishment thus becomes unconstitutionally cruel when the suffering inflicted by the State exceeds what is necessary to serve the legitimate ‘objectives of the criminal law.’”

Therefore, just as cruel and unusual punishments are constitutionally proscribed as a sentence following criminal proceedings that allow proper procedural and substantive due process, our laws prohibit torture for any purposes. Yet even here, many states still deprive some of water, food, sleep, toileting, and inflict some level of exposure to the elements to those who are arrested, detained, or imprisoned.  Furthermore, the U.S. military and the federal government still allow capital punishment in 32 states. In a society that has matured considerably from the days when public torture, executions, and hangings were part deterrent, part entertainment, and part civic duty, this is puzzling.

Certainly, if punishments should, by some metaphysical means, reflect the depravity of the crimes committed, many human beings deserve both torture and death. Despite this, our morality, as reflected in our constitutional pronouncements and case law, has sufficiently advanced so that we have foresworn torture as a punishment. Why? Because it is messy, violent, painful, gory, wanton, appeals to our basest natures, is often misused, cannot be retracted when erroneously inflicted, and corrupts the societies and individuals who impose it. So why do we still cling to capital punishment – torture’s last vestige?

Has it somehow become civilized because our ability to inflict it has progressed so that we allegedly kill without causing pain? Is it because it has been taken from the town square to the prison enclosure and hidden from view that it is now benign? It is not civilized. Despite the white-cloaked physicians who have replaced the black-hooded executioners, it is still nonetheless, violent. It strips life from the body, and according to some, rips out the soul, beyond all reformation, from the same.

Between the sentence of death and its execution, capital punishment, like torture, inflicts the pain, suffering, and mental anguish of fear upon the condemned and their loved ones. It, like torture, corrodes and debilitates the psyches and morals of those who carry it out, from the jury or judge who are fed by its corrupting power over life, to the prison officials who prepare and strap the condemned into the executioner’s table. Its finality, its irretrievability, condemns us all when we err. Finally, who really knows if the executed feel no pain? Can that be shown by applying the scientific method?

The problem is that just as pain is a subjective experience, whether or not capital punishment is “wanton, insensate, or vindictive” really has no anchor to any objective standard. It is wholly subjective. For whether or not a particular punishment is wanton, insensate, and vindictive is an evolving concept depending upon culture and often competing religious beliefs that are incapable of validation or empirical proof. Furthermore, is not the infliction of death an infliction of pain? It is pain that propels us to avoid any and all harmful stimuli, not just because of the pain that such stimuli causes, but also because of the final demise it might occasion. Moreover, under our Judeo-Christian culture, is not pain and death God’s punishment? Therefore, is not the death penalty a usurpation of God’s authority and simply another means of torture and therefore wanton, insensate, and vindictive?

In short, we cheapen the sanctity of life by being so presumptuous and so lacking in humility as to believe our system of criminal justice is perfect enough to inflict this type of ultimate pain on other human beings. No judge, no jury, nor legal system should be deemed so perfect, so infallible, so beyond the corrosive influence of wielding such power as to have the right to inflict torture as a means of punishment or interrogation, nor to impose the ultimate pain of death.

In conclusion, capital punishment and its infliction of pain and suffering serves no legitimate objectives of the criminal law and simply has no place in a modern penal system. It should be eliminated as a choice, on all the face of the earth.

Loren M. Lambert © May 5, 2014

That Which Is Gained By Thugery Will End In Thugery

How many times will tyrants of all forms learn that that which is gained by thugery will end in thugery. Ukranian Soviet separatists will create one hell only to be embraced by another that will rob their children of their dreams, their liberty, and bring upon their heads a mountain of pain and shame.

Loren M. Lambert © May 3, 2014

Palin Says Water Boarding Is How We Baptize Terrorists

The great statesperson, Sarah Palin, recently stated, "Water boarding is how we baptize terrorists.”  She has, again, confirmed what most of us learned about her when she ran for vice president: She is very off-kilter and better out of political leadership. How could she think that that is what Christ taught us about baptism?  He did not say, "Come unto me, and I will increase your burdens and give you a baptism of hate and horror.”

Please get this woman off the national stage. Such an embarrassment.

Loren M. Lambert © May 2, 2014

Democrats Blow a Great Opportunity – Peter Carroon v. BYU Professor Richard Davis

I voted for Richard Davis for Democratic Party chair, but he did not win. Peter Carroon won. Both were good choices.  Peter is a better choice as a candidate for political office; Richard would have been a shrewd and smart strategic choice as Party chair.

Utah Democrats were foolish for not embracing Mr. Davis' candidacy, even though many Party stalwarts may not agree with some of his positions – as I don't.

In listening to comments in the caucuses, it appears that the rank-and-file want Peter Carroon not because he's good for the Party's progress, but because "he's put in his dues." (They seem to be overlooking the fact that Democrats are the minority party in Utah.) “We need to act like, talk like, and be Democrats (whatever that means).”  I also had the feeling that many would not vote for Mr. Davis solely because he is LDS. Because he's a BYU professor, his candidacy is "interjecting religion into politics."

          The same wrongheaded thinking that applies to many Democrats also afflicts many staunch LDS Republicans, whose thinking does not permit them to be Democrats, or to vote for Democrats or non-LDS candidates. However, when you are in the minority, you especially need to reach out and attract more participation from a broader electorate. You do not do that by party purges, creating orthodoxy, and electing those who have "put in their dues."

Those involved in politics at the grassroots level in both parties tend to include many who are at the polar extremes of the populace. This leaves a lot of people in the middle. And let’s face it, in Utah, that middle is filled with many who are LDS who do not feel welcome in the Democratic Party and are often made to feel unwelcome.

As a consequence, Utah Republicans have the luxury not to have to worry about the independent and potential swing voters. Democrats can accept that for what it is, and as the minority party, work with it and court those moderate voices, or it can swim against the current.

Democrats can decide if they want to continue to have little influence outside of Salt Lake County by sticking to their orthodoxy, or they can appeal to a broader base by making bold choices. Such choices would include embracing fellow Democrats who, while clearly fitting within party philosophical parameters, may not share the same positions on a few issues that Democrats consider the litmus test to the parties' supposed orthodoxy.

Richard Davis, as Party chair, could have helped exponentially in extending the Party's influence beyond Salt Lake County without having had any political power to have threatened the orthodoxy of the Party.

Currently, Republicans can relax and Democrats can now continue to be the party of the Wasatch Front, for professor Richard Davis has been rejected.

Loren M. Lambert © April 26, 2014

Embracing The Eternal Mystery of Mediocrity, Moderation, and Modesty

I’m re-thinking this “be all you can be, find your highest potential, explore your limits” hogwash. The wisdom of Joe Rowling, fellow river rat and Wisconsin wonderkund-kid, keeps coming back to taunt me.  I remember Joe with zinc oxide always plastered across his city-boy-white nose and a goofy Gilligan’s Island straw hat on his head. He said you should never get into shape so you don’t ever have to worry about getting out of shape. (Just so you know, this advice did not come from some loser. Joe was the best, most improbable, yet adequately able river guide there ever sometimes was.)

He would, slightly less than whole-heartedly, agree with me that it’s best to stay a bit pudgy, somewhat pale, slightly greasy, and settle for just enough of everything to live moderately above the poverty level. He would nod unenthusiastically that, on a good day, we should shoot for just a bit less than the sure thing, expect the worst, yet plan for something slightly better, always look on the side that faces you, and steer clear of any bright sides.

Joe believed it was much more engaging and romantic to be able to just look at what others are doing and say: “Hell, I could do that.” “You call that art?” “Piece of cake.” “I've seen bigger balls on a pygmy possum.” “Why don’t I? Why bother? Hey, I’m fine where I am.”  “I could-a if I wanted ta.  I jus’ don’t wanna.”

          In fact, if he had wanted, Joe could’ve probably made millions of dollars going into business with me, printing t-shirts with slogans like: “Slow Guts, No Gory;” “ Less is Never More & We Want It That Way;” “No Need for Speed;” “Never Gain If It Requires Pain;” “When The Going Gets Tough, The Smart Go To Bed.” 

Finally, Joe would possibly give me an ovation if I’d do the standing and half-hearted clapping myself, and if he heard me exhorting, “Don’t ever go the extra mile; definitely do not take the road less traveled; and never, ever, except on the pain of death, follow your dreams.”

          And why not?  Ninety percent of all fatalities, catastrophic property losses, and relationship blowouts occur during the extra mile. Ninety seven percent of the time, the road is less-traveled because it leads to a dumpy little place next to a toxic waste dump where, for entertainment, its five residents watch tar drip.

          Never follow your dreams, because they were never really that cool, as you were either asleep, drunk, or sick when you dreamed them, and you never had the capacity to follow them anyway.  If you did manage to follow them to their very end, you had to ask, “Is that all there is? Is that all I’ve got?”  Then, you had to answer, “Yes, that is all there is, and that is all I’ve got, and it’s all I ever had and ever will have.”

Where’s the mystery and glory in that? There isn't any. So, leave something in reserve. Besides, if you would just ignore them, dreams should be like butterflies that just come and land on your shoulder. Why should you chase them? Better make them chase you. If you hear about the best restaurant with the best food ever, avoid it like the plague. If you hear about some technique for the most exquisite sex, the most intimate relationship – burn it. Don’t put that kind of pressure on yourself. Who wants the burden of knowing it will never get any better.

This will allow you to live in a state of continuous anticipation with a sure knowledge that your best is yet to come, that Santa will always be on his way, and that America is a place where we are exceptional and never do anything wrong.

Then, you’ll never have to confront the pain of knowing you gave it your very best, but your best wasn't good enough, and you’ll never wonder if what you have could be any better.

When I die, my epitaph should read:

Here Lies a Man Whose Best Was Yet to Come, Who Was, More Than Likely, A Famous Genius and A Great Leader, but Who Chose to Live a Modest, Humble Life of Mysterious Mediocrity.

Loren M. Lambert © April 26, 2014

The Desire That Cannot Be Acknowledged In Public

Do we really have a sense of balance in our approach to this most complex of drives?

We know that many who share 90 percent of our genetics will starve, cross continents, navigate miles of rivers against the crushing currents, and fight – sometimes to the death – to get it. Does this reality have any lessons for us to learn?

We know that similar necessary compulsions can be voiced with complete acceptance (e.g., I am hungry, or, I am cold). However, why is it so unacceptable to utter its reality as if to do so will conjure up the death eaters and the snake-faced one who leads them?

I am just going to say it: I love crunchy Frito-Lay corn puffs!

Loren M. Lambert © April 14, 2014

On Being Wise In Disagreeing

Like family, some of my friends sometimes say things in the moment that are driven by passion without a lot of wisdom, so I don't take it personally and let it go. I sometimes do the same – too much passion, too little restraint. I'm getting better at being wise and disagreeing, but not being disagreeable. I really do love and like most people and feel no ill-will toward them, even when they in-artfully disagree with me.

Loren M. Lambert © April 14, 2014

Donkey Politics at Its Best

Within the shadow of the everlasting mountains, the Democrats held their convention behind the "What Jesus Most Sanctifies" podium. This was not as snappy as I remember the Republican Convention I attended years ago, but significantly more colorful.

There were only two contested races for the Democrat nominees. All four seemed highly qualified. How could I chose? One lost my vote due to a petty stereotype mentioned by the guy introducing him, and the other lost my vote merely due to a slightly greater affinity I had for the other candidate.

I believe that the person who shined the brightest as a great leader at the convention was the gentleman who took the time to pick up all the paper towels that missed their mark in the men's restroom. Bravo! A true hero.

I suspect many of the candidates would see this as beneath their dignity, but if I could run them through a similar test, then I'd know the true public servants.

If all of us had the attitude of this gentleman in all of our doings, there would be need for only a very lean government.

Loren M. Lambert © April 12, 2014

Friday, August 23, 2019

The Whistle Blower's Toll

I'm representing a police officer who stood up to a chief who was engaged in a lot of inappropriate behavior and intensely disliked by all, except those few he rapidly promoted over others. This chief was finally terminated after much mayhem and turmoil.

Here is the interesting thing: Those who did not work with my client (though they also intensely disliked the chief) held similar sentiments about my client and had a lot of negative things to say about him. They also believed the rumors spread by the very chief they opposed. When pressed for the bases of their opinions, they usually provided none, but were nonetheless convinced of their position.

Then, upon interviewing the few who worked with the whistle blower for any period of time, I learned that they also disliked the chief, but had favorable things to say about my client.

So, plan your moves wisely and be ready to weather the storm when you do the right thing. Blow the whistle on those who abuse their authority.

Loren M. Lambert © April 10, 2014

Russian Anti-fungal Creme – As Good In Its own Sphere of Influence as Ukrainian Chocolate

What does Russia produce or manufacture, other than gas?

The other day, several commentators rhetorically asked what Russia produces, other than natural gas. They said Russia could not create gas from scratch, so therefore, they thought it was economically vulnerable.

Just so you know, a real expert claims that the Russians make a great anti-fungal creme. So, when you travel to Russia and wonder what product you can purchase to please your lady,  or to save the soles of your man and spare the rest of us, think of this: anti-fungal creme. Priceless! It is as good in its own sphere of influence as Ukrainian chocolate is to the chocolate-loving world.

Loren M. Lambert © April 8, 2014

My Propensity To Rebel Will Prevent Me From Finding Complete Conformity To The Group

I went to precinct chairman training. I am enthusiastic about participating in our democracy, but I am both amazed and alarmed at how many of us are able to agree upon and embrace all the beliefs, goals, and endorsements of a particular group. I am afraid that my propensity to rebel will never allow me to find complete contentment in conformity to the group.

Loren M. Lambert © April 8, 2014

Herb Cowan on Lessons Learned From the Search of Flight 370

"What have we learned, so far, in our investigation? There is a lot of junk floating on the ocean. In fact, the ocean is the only junkyard that can be seen by aliens from the lunar surface,” said Herb Cowan, my mentor.

Loren M. Lambert © April 2, 2014

When Troops Amass At the Border Of Another Country

When a country amasses troops at the border of another country, and the troops are not called there due to any apparent threat, the probabilities are that those troops are going to take action. It is time for Europe, NATO, and the U.S. to take more action than just ruining a few leaders' travel plans.

Loren M. Lambert © March 25, 2014

Habeas Corpus and the Courts: Individual Liberties from Joseph Smith to Abraham Lincoln to Guantanamo

The following is what I learned at tonight’s presentation at Kingsbury Hall. The topic was on Habeas Corpus and the Courts: Individual Liberties from Joseph Smith to Abraham Lincoln to Guantanamo:

To profess that all have inalienable civil liberties, yet require that before a suspect be set free, our legal system must infallibly guarantee that he or she will do no harm. To fear or merely suspect that someone may have committed a crime is to undermine the liberty of all. For who is beyond suspicion? Who is not unfairly feared by some group, some culture, some person, some country, or some religion?

Joseph Smith, who the State of Missouri tried to extradite from Illinois as a terrorist for treason, had much in common with the Guantanamo detainees. This is because, out of suspicion and fear, he was imprisoned with no recourse to a just and neutral tribunal. However, he was able to avail himself successfully of the rights of a Writ of Habeas Corpus – that is, until he was killed by a mob at Carthage Jail.

During the presentation, a women in the audience arose several times to reprimand the actors for taking the "Lord, her Savior’s name in vain," when they quoted various texts that mentioned "God." When one said something that sounded to her like "geez," she said that was a slang term for Jesus. It was bizarre. She had to be taken out.

She was, ironically, like some of the historical figures depicted in the presentation. She was like so many in our legal system, today, who focus on their version of proper decorum and formality as sacrosanct, and as more important and more all-consuming than the substance of what is being said or the purpose behind the law or legal procedures.

It's the adherence to inconsequential formality, and succumbing to fear, that keeps those who know better – and who have the power to act – from releasing, at the very least, the 76 men at Guantanamo who have been cleared of all charges, but who linger in prison as their lives drain away.

Loren M. Lambert © March 26, 2014

The Bane and Blessing of the Subconscious Mind

The subconscious mind is both a cruel and a wonderful thing.

Years ago, I experienced a period of chronic illness that lasted about two years. During that time, during deep sleep, my mind freed my spirit. While in the day, I was a compromised and fettered shell hobbling down the road of life, at night I became a liberated superhero who did things I had never done in life, like skating on ice doing salchow quads, death spins, one-arm lifts, and back flips. On rivers, I could negotiate class VI rapids with ease, and on the pull-up bar, I could do more than I could count.

That same subconscious mind still treats me to the impossible and takes me back to the once-possible, with all of its ineffable beauty and joy.

Last night, I skied the deep spring snow in the yellow and white honeycomb cliff chutes from the peaks accessed by Solitude Ski Resort. In so doing, I felt the simultaneous fear, exhilaration, and weightlessness of gliding down a slope so steep that I was almost falling off of it. I could see the sun glistening in the snowflakes on the trees and within the snow sent shushing up from my skis. I could see diamonds in icicles that had formed from the spring melt during the cold night. I could smell and see the sap starting to come in the White Pine combs. I could feel the chill on my face, in the air, and in my lungs.

I know my dreams are not anything extraordinary from anyone else's experience, and therefore, not noteworthy beyond my own childlike enchantment. But what is amazing to me is how the subconscious mind can bring up sensations and memories and make them as real as the day they were experienced.

Imagine the power we could have if we knew how to tap into that resource. The most I can often do now is marvel at its very existence, and to embrace both its gift of awakening and its melancholy, for bringing me the passing ages of time, for the recollection of seasons and experiences now beyond my reach, but still within my vision.

Loren M. Lambert © March 24, 2014 

Caucuses – The Late Bird

I was running late, but arrived at my caucus. I explained my views on social, environmental, economic, and foreign issues. Debate raged on. I extrapolated, reiterated, and re-conjugated. Discussion ensued and challenges were made. I waxed and I waned, hesitated and plunged forward, until committing. The vote was taken. Results were one to nothing. I won. I will be our neighborhood delegate. I love democracy.

Loren M. Lambert © March 19, 2014

Engage Your Mind

Many eat due to boredom. Many eat when distracted by available food.

An engaged mind is not bored and is not deterred, nor distracted, by its surroundings.

A brain requires numerous calories.

Engage your mind.

Save your body.

Loren M. Lambert © March 18, 2014

What They Would Do

Sean Hannity:  "Rattle the sabers louder."
Glen Beck: "Gnash the teeth harder.
Rush Limbaugh:  "Toot the fanny louder."

Loren M. Lambert © March 17, 2014

Saturday, July 6, 2019

It’s Difficult To Write Negative Poems When I Feel So Positive

I have to write two, short, bitter, negative, angst-laden slam poems for my screenplay. However, all you positive posters out there have influenced me too much. I've been so positive, lately, it's hard to get into the mood.

But, I'm getting there.

Loren M. Lambert © March 2, 2014

Jesus at Starbucks (“From a very brilliant, forward-thinking friend of mine, Loren Lambert. A beautiful perspective.” ~ Susan McCarty)

After my post, I took the opportunity to sit down with Jesus at Starbucks. He came in disguise, wearing a Johnny Wier-designed androgynous outfit.  He sported dreadlocks in his hair, “HATE” and “LOVE” tattoos on his hands, and a gold ring in his nose. He was quick to tell me that it wasn’t necessarily His style, but it was the best “get-up” for Salt Lake City.

Besides, He said, He didn’t want to freak out the Mormons who came to Starbucks for their morning coffee when they noticed Him there, drinking his favorite espresso with white, chocolate-flavored sauce and steamed milk, topped with sweetened whipped cream. He didn’t want them to have an excuse to let go of their guilt. He said it would be unfair. He told me that there is nothing better than guilt to put a bigger taste edge on something. He also remarked that I shouldn’t get any ideas since, as an immortal, He could eat or drink anything.

After the usual small talk about world penguin populations, free-range assisted living patients, and the Oscars, He invited me to pop the question: Would He bake a cake or build a theater set for a gay couple?

He smiled. He told me that he wasn’t going to let me off that easy and insisted I tell Him what Loren would do. I said that what I did wasn’t the point. It’s whether or not southern Baptist Bob, who had a public business of baking wedding cakes, should have to bake a cake for a gay couple.

He still insisted: What would Loren do?

I told Him I was a lawyer and felt that since the good taxpayers had helped provide a wonderful education, court system, and a secure society that had allowed me to become a lawyer, and to make a living providing a public service for those who needed my help in the courts, I wouldn’t turn away anyone whether they were black, female, Baptist, gay, or even claimed to be Jesus Christ. In fact, I told Him that Jesus Christ came in my office needing legal services just ten years ago, but that unlike him, this Jesus looked like a homeless man.

“And ...?” He asked.

I said, “Sure, if I offered a different public service, like baking cakes, I’d do the same. But that’s what I, Loren, would do.  However, should Baptist Bob have to do it?”  I asked, “Isn’t that a private matter?”

Jesus then took a big sip of his espresso, smiled, and asked, “Was it a private matter when the Missourians would not sell goods or property to your Mormon ancestors? Was it a private matter when hotels and restaurants wouldn't conduct business with blacks? Was it a private matter when Jews fleeing Nazi Germany were turned away and sent back to sure death? Would it have been a private matter if the reason there was no room for Mary to have a place to rest and give birth was because she had a child out of wedlock?”

“No,” I answered.

After a long pause, He said, “I don’t think that Jesus – at least not this Jesus – will condemn any person from engaging in commerce that provides food, shelter, clothing, work, healing, dignity, respect, equal protection, and even joy to all, whether in a cake, a movie set, or a beautiful song.” He then emphasized that it would serve us well to do so, even to those who are viewed by some as less worthy or less righteous.

“So . . .?” I asked.

Without looking at me, He then mentioned how wonderful life’s diversity is, because it puts to the test our ability to be decent and humane, and that if we served only those who we think deserved it, we would be no better than the most vile of beings. Then, He polished off His espresso, winked, and said goodbye.

Loren M. Lambert © March 4, 2014

Thankful For Clothing

Be thankful for modern clothing and the modesty that it so charitably provides by sparing us from the horrors of receding youth, and its pull upon our illusions of lingering virility and beauty.

Loren M. Lambert © March 9, 2014

Being Part of a Profession

Sometimes support comes from sources that you least expect. I have an ally that I never would have imagined.

This ally restores my faith in the professionalism of some who understand that when the heat of the battle subsides, we move on as fellow sojourners who are all striving to play our part as well as we can. Although not perfect, and while our zeal may at times give us an edge, our hearts are true and rein us in.

Loren M. Lambert © March 7, 2014

Buried Truth

Sometimes the truth is buried beneath the misguided belief that no one will believe it unless it comes decked out in high heels, a red dress, and a stunning makeover.

Loren M. Lambert © March 4, 2014

I Think Too Much

I think I should relent while struggling on.
I think I should eat more, or less, protein.
I think I am a long-haired man with a short-haired job.

I think I must know the unknowable,
I think my ability and joy are stifled by my thoughts.
I think I don’t and I do, and I think I do and I don’t. 
I think it is and it’s not, and it’s not and it is. 
I think the many see simplicity, I think complicity.
They think they’re right, I think God’s not even right. 
I think I like too much, I think I like too little. 
I think the grass is never greener anywhere, or it is as green as it ever was.
I think there’s too much fertilizer, herbicide, insecticide, driving, putting, mowing
and not enough “ignoble-izing.”

I think I am broken.
I think I am beyond being fixed, 
I think there’s no time to be fixed, 
I think I wouldn’t like being fixed. 
I think once fixed,
I would need being broken. 
I think I like being broken, 
I think everyone is broken.

I think people who don’t think too much
are to be led, 
are to be admired, 
are to be rich, 
are to lead people who think even less.

I think I cannot love.
I think love is lost.
I think I am lost love. 
I think love is a fantasy, 
and therefore I think I may have loved.

I think bullshit is infinite,
I think the infinite is bullshit.
I think the unthoughtful monetize bullshit into infinity.

I think that my wants cannot be met, 
I think I want to try to satiate my unattainable wants.
I think I should change so I do not want, 
I think I like to want. 

I think I am inescapably trapped. 
I think I think myself into thinking I am escaping.
I think I can’t get there where I am here at this time. 
I think I never found my lost way, 
I think the truthfulness of my lies ingrained themselves into the sincerity of my soul. 

I think I am famous because I am noticed by others to be irrelevant. 
I think that when you have finally thought it, the brass is beyond its ability to resound it. 
I think we all think there is no other way to think, at least that’s how I would think you think.

I think when I thought I wanted to be liked, the very thought pushed it beyond my reach. 
I think the minute I thought I needed to follow my instincts and my heart, I was forever incapable of following my instincts and my heart.

I think wombats never worry about writing a novel. 
I think squirrels never worry about who is the president.
And I think mosquitoes never worry about having a balanced breakfast. 

I think I liked every class I took in college and thereby hated them all. 
I think “every complex problem has a simple solution that is invariably wrong.” 
And, I think about the merits of unraveling tissue and how to squeeze the toothpaste.

I think too much.

Loren M. Lambert © January 28, 2014

Blame It On Basketball

Guided by the pewter prophets,
with far-from-innocent eyes,
pointing toward a promised land.

Not a mean fibre in my body, until basketball. 
Not an exclusive gene in my pocket, until submerging. 
How did the card-carrying member of the mutual admiration society 
go so far, so wrong, so beyond human touch.
Pulled between the visceral and the supernal,
far beyond synchronicity. 

With the end always in mind
Blessings bestowed as delicate tortures.
Paying forward the pain, long before requited
then by deception retracted on 
an irresistible path to repay 
the leavings of the 
completely loved out, 
smooth-soothing slash,
slicing thin as slivered ice
filled beyond the brim,
flamed out of all value 
in an underwater vault
buried beneath without remorse.

Yet, prostate with gratitude 
for nerves laid bare before the alter,
to be offered up into oblivion,
until nothing is left but to surrender
to a hate that has to be as large as the hurt
of the memory of all lost love
to fashion a cradle of forgetfulness, 
to bury at the beginning, 
to have never loved, 
to have never been tender.

With the mornings first light
among the strewn and dismembered,
a detached hand raises to implore,
wishing to then be gathered in.

Loren M. Lambert © February 14, 2014

Civil Rights Laws and the "Protected Classes" To Which They Pertain

Every individual, regardless of creed, race, national origin, sex, color, age, disability, and yes, even sexual orientation, should strive within a system in which all have the opportunity to excel based on merit. I emphasize opportunity – not right, not entitlement, and not a preference. All benefit when we live in such a system, because the best in such a system will invariably rise to the top and lead us.

The term, "protected class," is unfortunate, because its legal meaning bears no resemblance to its common meaning. Under our laws, "protected classes" such as sex, race, etc. are not shielded from the exigencies of competition, nor are they exempt from the rules to which we all must adhere.  It simply means that when adverse action is taken against them, merely due to their race, sex, etc., they have recourse in a court of law. The law does not favor one sex, race, or "protected class" over another. White police officers and fire fighters have asserted their rights under those same laws and prevailed.

I am not so naive to think this reality vitiates many of your disagreements with these laws, however, it puts the discussion on track about the real issues. I believe human nature is such that without such laws, people devolve into cabals and antagonistic factions like those with which I became familiar in the Ukraine, in other divisive world regions, and which existed (and, in places, persists) in the South before the passage of civil rights laws ending Jim Crow, etc.

Many think human nature is such that it does not matter how much power, wealth, fame, and influence someone acquires, and that because someone earned these things by his/her own merit (often true), they will make the right decisions and act in the best interest of all of society, instead of their own.

My experience has taught me that this is, unfortunately, not true. Due to the petty weakness of human nature, some protections are needed. The rich, powerful, and famous (though more fortunate or more clever and able than many) still suffer from the same shortcomings and are no different than the ancient kings and queens of Europe, who caused so much misery when they set themselves above the rule of law.

How civil rights laws are now implemented is a whole different subject. Never forget that when Caucasians are in the minority a 100 years from now, all of us whities might really appreciate our civil rights laws.

Loren M. Lambert © March 1, 2014

Nature's Confessions

Dear God,

I have sinned. It was due to no fault of my own, nevertheless, it was still a sin, for I gave the valley of the Great Salt Lake a spring day at the tail end of winter.

Loren M. Lambert © February 25, 2014

Funeral Viewing – Looking at Death

I attended the funeral of a good neighbor, today. He was a family man and devoted husband who had experienced a full life. He displayed cantankerousness and also a good sense of humor, and he liked making candy.  I want to remember him alive.

I stayed at the back of the viewing. For some reason, emotionally, viewings creep me out more and more. I get this sense of doom and they just seem weird to me. The deceased do not look good to me. They look dead. I don't want to look at death.

With all our technology, maybe a multimedia show depicting the image, voice, personal effects and video clips of the deceased would be more enriching (like those wedding videos).

Loren M. Lambert © February 21, 2014

In Defense of the Defenseless

I am wary of inserting what I believe is a voice of reason regarding a crime so violent, devastating, and disruptive to all of our sense of well-being. Yet, I must. I understand the equity and justification of charging criminal accomplices under the felony-murder rule, and pursuant to aiding and abetting principles for the heinous acts of their partners in crime, yet these laws have always struck me as being unjust and heavy-handed in some situations. They are principles that should be applied with great restraint and exercised wisdom, because there are circumstances when truly all parties to a crime, though technically culpable for acts of the group, are not justifiably guilty.

In this case, seventeen-year-old Meagan Grunwald, of Draper, is being charged as an adult for the murder of Sgt. Cory Wride, and the attempted murder of Deputy Greg Sherwood, in Utah County. This is despite the fact that it was her 27-year-old boyfriend, Jose Angel Garcia-Juaregui, who welded the gun and shot these men.

          The reason given for her charges is because Ms. Grunwald was an active participant in the murders. She allegedly "already put her pickup truck into drive several minutes . . . waited until there was no traffic around" before her boyfriend shot the men. Apparently, she "stayed with [her boyfriend] when she had several chances to runaway."

This reminds me of another reluctantly famous Utah teen, Elizabeth Smart, who probably had a more enriching family experience, greater intelligence, and more sound foundation than Ms. Grunwald. However, this famous Utahan also found it difficult to runaway from a brutal man when "she had several chances" to do so. It is also telling that Ms. Grunwald is pregnant with the murderer's child. She was, therefore, statutorily raped by him, just as Elizabeth Smart was raped by her captor. What emotional turmoil and conflict did this cause Ms. Grunwald?

While I admittedly do not have all the details that may show greater culpability, I know, as an attorney and a human being who has represented and talked to numerous young women in such situations, that it is most likely this young woman was subjected to extreme coercion and duress.

Still, let me hasten to say that I am very sorry for the two officers and their families, and I am angered at this horrendous crime against all of us. I just hope that if the facts so demonstrate, there might be room for the understanding and possibility that this teen may also be very much a victim of this brutal man and may also merit our compassion.

Loren M. Lambert © February 20, 2014

Debunking the Global Warming Myth, One Ice Cube at A Time

A new study indicates that during the last twenty years, due to refrigeration technology and mass production, the ice supply for American households has exponentially increased the availability of ice so that if you lined up all the ice cubes end-to-end, you could enjoy an ice-chilled martini or Kool-Aid all the way to the moon and back again. Even better, you could make several hundred ice huts for the dwindling polar bear population.

This ice makes up for all the alleged glacier losses around the world.

Loren M. Lambert © February 20, 2014

What Can Go Wrong, Will Go Wrong

“What Can Go Wrong, Will Go Wrong” is a concept that planners use to create systems and to design products so that problems that can be anticipated are prevented before they occur. As a simple example: In my office, a prior employee of mine kept leaving an envelope-printing apparatus disengaged from its storage position in such a manner that every time I saw it, I thought, “That is going to get damaged” (it was in the line of travel past the copier). Sure enough, what can go wrong did. Now, after having replaced it, I make sure that no one leaves it in that position.

What people don’t realize is that the same principle applies to laws. Most of our laws are set up to anticipate what we know about human nature. Some misguided people think that themselves, certain groups, certain religions, or certain governments don’t need checks and balances or certain legal constraints because they are somehow more enlightened or more perfect than others. This is folly. If the laws are so weak that the NSA can violate our rights, it will violate them. If individuals or businesses are not prohibited from discriminating based on sexual orientation, sex, race, etc., they will so discriminate. If a government, business, or individual is allowed to exercise absolute unchecked power with no checks and balances on the way that power is used, it will be abused regardless of the person or persons involved.

We have a relatively free and just country not because there is something inherently or genetically wonderful about us, but because of the legal systems that we have set up, covenanted to follow, and venerate.

Loren M. Lambert © February 10, 2014