Nuts of Wisdom From SWB

I have returned from the "Squirrels Without Borders" convention.  It was great! I also completed my writing assignment and I have little acorn nuts of wisdom sailing your way soon!

Loren M. Lambert © May 13, 2010

Our Germ-Paranoid Society

Factoid question: Do the detrimental health effects of aspirating and coming into contact with cleansers (which our overly [in my opinion] germ-paranoid society sprays on the exercise equipment) outweigh the microbiocide benefits from the procedure?

Loren M. Lambert © May 13, 2010

Finders Keepers?

My friend said the oil belongs to whomever can get it.  No strings attached. 

So, if I could get all of the whales or dolphins, do they belong me?

Loren M. Lambert © May 16, 2010

Selective Feminism

Why haven't women fought for equality in pall-bearing?

Loren M. Lambert © May 16, 2010

New Paradigm For Yards

Please – we need a new paradigm for yards. It would liberate us all!  Here are a two examples:

1) "Dandelions are beautiful!” and

2) "Leave the water in the stream. Don't bring it to the lawn!"

Loren M. Lambert © May 17, 2010

One Who Demands Proof Of Your Eternal and Undivided Love

One who demands proof of your eternal and undivided love, by assuming the burden and responsibility of healing all of his or her self-inflicted wounds, will always assure the flag of your devotion is forever posted long into the cold night, by ripping new and evermore severe wounds into the core of both your souls.

Loren M. Lambert © May 18, 2010

Utah’s Public Lands

Is it a conservative principle for Utah Congress Representative Chaffetz to seek to convert Utah's public lands into private land for sale, so that Utah's government can grow to be a bigger landlord over more private land?

Why is that a good idea?

Why is it a bad idea?

Loren M. Lambert © May 19, 2010

Malawi’s Backward Values

A Malawi gay couple was sentenced by a Malawi Court to 14 years of hard labor (which, in Malawi, could be a death sentence); yet Malawi is reputed for overlooking child abuse, forced child labor, restricted worker rights, human trafficking, and sexual violence against women.

What kind of priorities are these?

Loren M. Lambert © May 20, 2010

Band-Aid Distraction

Have you ever noticed that whatever you do, it's hard to make a band aid on your nose look anything other than a booger, skin sloughing off, or just a patch of leprosy?

I'll let you know how the biopsy turns out.

Loren M. Lambert © May 21, 2010

Tribute to Aunt Margie

Farewell, Aunt Margie. You were a classy gal, who tried to teach me how to be a decent man. You showed me that there are people who still give love without expecting anything in return, and who don't look inward with worries of what should be, but who look outward beyond themselves and bring tenderness to make more heavenly that which is.

Loren M. Lambert © May 22, 2010

Real Accomplishments of a 13-Year-Old

Thirteen-year-old climbs Mount Everest.

Big foofy deal. Probably tantamount to child abuse.
       
Thirteen-year-old keeps room clean for a whole year, does his/her chores, says good morning, and is always happy to see his/her parents.

Big Deal!  This child is going places!

Loren M. Lambert © May 23, 2010

Weird Weather and Global Warming

Scientists (not pap-filled fascists) indicate that more volatile and weird weather patterns will accompany global warming. Despite the fruit crop-wrecking spring snow, historical information since the 1700s shows that fruit trees are blossoming sooner because of mild winters and warmer temperatures. Maybe the volcanic activity has reversed the warming. Maybe not. However, long-term trends tell the real story.

Loren M. Lambert © May 24, 2010

al-Awlaki Calls For U.S. Jihad

Yemeni "cleric," American-born Anwar al-Awlaki, calls for Muslims to kill U.S. citizens. If he represented a country, we would call it a declaration of war.

So, what does he represent, and is it a declaration of war?

Loren M. Lambert © May 25, 2010

Dog Terms

Were the terms, "Dogging it," "You're a dog," "Gotta rest my dogs," etc., coined when dogs were just a glob of slow-moving protoplasm? It's really not fair to dogs.

Loren M. Lambert © May 25, 2010

Palin and Mud Wrestling Nostalgia

Sarah Palin, about the oil spill: 

"It's so beautiful! It's like swimming in a big frothy vat of hot chocolate. Rolling in it on the beach reminds me of my college days when I mud wrestled to finance my college education."

Loren M. Lambert © May 26, 2010

How SWB Separates Church and State

Question from Suzanne Simmons:

Do the squirrels have any comments about Utah . . . .in having a difficult time being able to separate church and state?

In response, Squirrels Without Borders (SWB) issued this press release:

"Squirrels have mastered the ability to separate the husk, hull, or shell from the nut. You need to do the same."

Loren M. Lambert © May 27, 2010

SWB Statement About Borders

Squirrels Without Borders (SWB) have this to say about immigration reform and its implications:

“We are Squirrels WITHOUT BORDERS!  However, we don't immigrate, emigrate, migrate, or ingratiate – and we never, never go anywhere en masse, unless running from fire, a Walmart development, or pushing Veruca (character from Willie Wonka’s Chocolate Factory, who squirrels push down a chute) down the garbage chute.

Need we say more?”

Loren M. Lambert © May 27, 2010  

What Can Go Wrong If It Feels Right?

"What can go wrong, will go wrong," said Archie Bunker, from 1970's American sitcom, All in the Family.

But, hey! Let's not be the party of “wrong.” Let's be the party of "If it feels right, it can be the right feel!" (Quoted by Loren Lambert, with permission from Squirrels without Borders [SWB], who have said the same thing, but only in clicks and chirps.)

Loren M. Lambert © May 27, 2010

Music Banned In Iran’s Private Schools

Amusia (the inability to recognize musical tones or to reproduce them)would be a blessing in Iran, as the Mullahs “up the anti” against freedom by banning all music in private schools. The time is soon arriving in which the only form of entertainment in Iran will be goat racing and wagering on what’s under the burka.

A recent PBS program shows that some need music like we all need air to breathe. I pity the poor souls in Iran who, like me, need such air as this.

Loren M. Lambert © June 2, 2010

Name Your Favorite Law

Name your favorite laws that have been deemed unconstitutional, and name your least favorite laws that should be deemed unconstitutional – not including the current healthcare bill.

Loren M. Lambert © June 5, 2010

Unconstitutionality of Healthcare

On the unconstitutionality of requiring a purchase of healthcare:

In all fifty states, employers are forced to purchase workers’ compensation insurance and are fined if they don't do so. Is this unconstitutional?

Loren M. Lambert © June 5, 2010

Apocalyptic Catastrophe

What organization(s) would be able to avert the apocalyptic catastrophe if the following occurred? 1) a catastrophic collapse of world food markets (as predicted), 2) doing nothing but letting the free markets operate (which means that 20 percent of U.S. citizens would die because of food shortages), and 3) taking action so that all could survive (albeit uncomfortably, with some hunger)?

Loren M. Lambert © June 7, 2010

The Birds?!

I saw a possible sign given to me through nature:

All at the same time, a yellow grossbeak, a morning dove, and a white pelican converged over my backyard, in the middle of Murray, Utah! What does it mean?  The “Birds” all over again?

Loren M. Lambert © June 7, 2010

Bridgewater & Lee

Out of Tim Bridgewater and Mike Lee, which one, during the debates, is silently thinking, "Patty cake, patty cake, baker’s man . . . and mark it with ML for the Republicans and me."

(Hint: Watch their hands on the next debate. Yes, I watched it – and I know why Jacob McCrory likes him.  He wants the federal government to pay for our children's educations.)

Loren M. Lambert © June 8, 2010

Mike Lee & Taxes

Candidate Mike Lee wants the federal government to reduce our taxes, yet he wants the federal government to pay taxes to Utah on the federal land it owns. Where does he think the federal government gets its money from – Santa Claus?

Loren M. Lambert © June 8, 2010

When the Going Gets Tough, the Goodness Diminishes

Charitable donations dipped by 3.6 percent last year. So, does that mean that when the going gets tough, the goodness diminishes?

What happens when the going gets really, really tough? Looting, anyone?

Loren M. Lambert © June 9, 2010

A Cloud, Separated From Its Family

Saddest thing I ever saw:

In the heavy spring storm, a small cloud got separated from its family and pushed down into the valley, no more than a hundred feet from the ground. Due to all the turbulence, the poor thing could not make it back before it dissipated into loneliness, with one ray of the evening sun piercing the horizon to highlight its demise in a quiet burst of pink splendor.

Loren M. Lambert © June 11, 2010

BP’s Dividends & Stockholders’ Cries

Dang! If BP doesn't pay 12 million in dividends, then all those innocent stockholders and investors will suffer. Boo Hoo! 

Loren M. Lambert © June 14, 2010

Congregations Protest Evolution More Than Church Leaders

Richard Dawkins, English ethologist, evolutionary biologist, author, professor, and a very interesting man to listen to, was on Radio West, today, claiming that evolution is a fact. (That should stir up the pot!) He also mentioned he finds it interesting that he receives more flack from the congregations than he does from the leaders.

Loren M. Lambert © June 15, 2010

Capitalist Corruption

BP is an example of how even a private capitalist company – which is making enormous wealth and has unlimited resources – can become as inefficient and decrepit as a government.

Loren M. Lambert © June 16, 2010

Another Governmental “Cure” That’s Worse Than The Disease

I attended a seminar on “Medicare Set-Asides” – a noble and equitable idea in theory, but in practice and implementation, it is another example of one of those governmental procedures, driven by good and worthy conservative intentions (no sarcasm meant here), in which the cure is worse than the disease.

Loren M. Lambert © June 18, 2010

Two Women Rescue Friend While Several Men Take Photos

Two women rescued a friend of mine from pending death. Several men (about six) stood around staring dumbly, some taking pictures for YouTube, as the women requested assistance. What is up with society? Are we all, collectively, really that unfeeling?

Loren M. Lambert © June 22, 2010

Why I Oppose The Death Penalty

I oppose the death penalty, not because I do not believe that there are those who deserve it, but because I believe that those who mete it out are never adequate to exact its irretrievable price. I oppose the death penalty, not because I do not believe that there is merit in preventing those who receive it from killing again, but I believe that it lowers those who deliver it to the level of those we condemn.

Loren M. Lambert © June 18, 2010

Patriotism Cannot Be Forced

Donnell Bak, 62, of Turlock, California, secured 600 signatures to pass a law requiring all businesses and nonprofit agencies in Stanislaus County to fly the U.S. flag. Upon hearing this, numerous comrades from China, Russia, and Cuba  volunteered their services to show how they successfully persuaded their citizenry to display similar patriotism in their countries/kingdoms.

Loren M. Lambert © June 21, 2010

ASS Wants to “Out” Palin

Ants for Socialistic Solidarity (ASS) wants to “out” one of its members: Sarah Palin, Queen Ant. She may fool you, but she doesn't fool us, and we love her.

Loren M. Lambert © June 26, 2010

Elder Conner Lambert Welcomed Home!

We welcomed home Elder Connor T. Lambert tonight!  He's a very smart, sincere, good, young man – and he adds the oldest, sibling/brother tease-factor back into the mix. It’s always a lot of fun!

Loren M. Lambert © June 23, 2010

ASS Declares Themselves as a Socialist Sisterhood

ASS (Ants for Socialistic Solidarity) declares that they are the most successful organism:

“We are quintessential socialists and have perfected this superior social structure. There are billions of us, and in weight, we weigh as much as humans. We are 100 percent ‘green.’ But here's the kicker: We are a sisterhood, and like Sarah Palin, we have relegated males to their proper place – good only for sex, and then death.”

Loren M. Lambert © June 26, 2010

Charitable Fighting???

Charitable giving is no more likely to resolve the U.S. healthcare debacle than charitable fighting could win a world war.

Loren M. Lambert © June 30, 2010

Squirrel Superiority Over Ants and Humans

SWB (Squirrels Without Borders) would remind ASS (Ants for Socialistic Solidarity) that while they may equal humans in mass weight, God would choose a squirrel if He had to choose between snuggling up to either a stuffed army ant or a furry squirrel.

Furthermore, there is nothing admirable about world domination by ants or humans.

Loren M. Lambert © June 30, 2010

Informal Spider Bite Survey

Informal survey:

Out of the people you know, how many females, and how many males, have been bitten by spiders?

Over the course of my life, I have recorded (in my spider diary) that 576 women, and only two men, whom I have met, have been bitten by spiders. What does this mean?

Loren M. Lambert © July 1, 2010

Defrosting the Freezer

I just completed that all-American ritual: defrosting the freezer. I vow to do it more often in the future. It took a lot of ritual bathing, cleansing, and exhaling to rid years of neglect.

Note: We can fit a lot more popsicles in there, now!

Loren M. Lambert © July 2, 2010

Nazi Spider Experiments

A little-known history, from Nazi Germany, concerned the infamous "Nazi spider experiments." In one experiment, they would carefully measure the calories given to a spider and then starve it to death while measuring the amount of web it could spin before dying. They discovered that the energy expended in producing their webs (measuring, in length, almost three quarters of a mile!) exceeded the amount of energy taken in.

Loren M. Lambert © July 2, 2010

Waging In Wars of “National Interest” vs. “Self-Defense”

When in the military, I held misgivings about disciplining soldiers for declining to fight in wars of "national interest." (The Vietnam war was a good example of this.)

I don't have a problem in waging war against those who directly attack us as a nation, such as in World War II.  However, is "forced charitable killing" more benevolent than "forced charitable stealing?”  Is it okay for the federal government to do?

Loren M. Lambert © July 2, 2010

Who Is SWB?

Squirrels Without Borders (SWB) irrefutably proclaims that contrary to Mr. Mark Gammell's Glen-Beck-induced coma, SWB is not, and never has been, a code word for Mormons. We are furry, we have no religion, we do not marry, we do not travel, and we definitely do not listen to Glen Beck. (However, we would like to crack his husk and see if that meat is rotten inside.)

Loren M. Lambert © July 2, 2010

Beautiful Day, Homemade Ice Cream!

Ah! What a beautiful sunset on a beautiful day, along with the pleasure of my sister's homemade ice cream and raspberry/strawberry pie!

Also – the air force fueler flew right over us to personally honor our party. I'll savor it all, until next year.

Loren M. Lambert © July 4, 2010

Do Not Attack Religion or Opinion

While I am interested in knowing what others think, and why, I do not invite attacks upon my, or others’, religion, or lack thereof.  I am, also, not enlightened by the pejorative labels some may use to describe how they view me and others because of our opinions, or lack thereof. Comprende?

Attack the idea, opinion, or belief, not the person.

(ASS and SWB support this message.)

Loren M. Lambert © July 5, 2010

Guess What Language?

"It is a lovely language, but it takes a very long time to say anything in it. We do not say anything in it, unless it is worth taking a long time to say, and to listen to."

For 500 doll hairs: What language is this quote referring? 

For a 100 bonus: Who said it?

Loren M. Lambert © July 5, 2010

Rush Limbaugh Bashes Obama Supporters

I listened to Rush Limbaugh, today. He said that those who support President Obama are evil, cannot be befriended or worked with, and that they must be defeated. What a pleasant, avuncular man, who creates unity and goodwill where ever he goes – just like Santa, but even bigger.

Loren M. Lambert © July 7, 2010

Relationship Between Illegal Alien and America Is Akin To That Of Illicit Love Affair

The relation between an illegal alien and this country is much like that of an illicit love affair: So long as both are behaving like the other demands, expects, and desires, the romance blossoms; but when one or the other feels betrayed, or is about to be confronted by one with a higher claim to their affections, the disaffection begins – on both sides.

Loren M. Lambert © July 16, 2010

MonaVie vs. Amway

Were any of you aware that MonaVie and Amway are currently going mano a mano (wrestling match), quietly, beneath the radar of public scrutiny in a colossal lawsuit in the Utah Federal District?  I recommend a marriage. Just think of the extra enthusiasm those Amway networking folks could have stocked up on MonaVie. You all should go watch. It’s very entertaining.

Loren M. Lambert © July 21, 2010

Vigilantism Is Often Worse Than the Harm It Purports to Cure

Some people broke the law in order to bring a little justice to others they say are breaking the law. It sounds like good, old-fashioned vigilantism. Is it ever justified? Maybe – when those in charge of enforcing the law have abdicated their responsibility. However, it still always looks pretty  ugly, petty, base, and often worse than the harm it purports to cure.

Loren M. Lambert © July 20, 2010

Costly Death

In the U.S., 25 percent of all Medicare expenses are spent in the last year (highly weighted in the last month) of a person's life; and most of those are over 80 years old.

We are very good at extending death, but very bad at extending life. We have this hubris-engorged notion that death is optional. Not even Christ believed that.

Loren M. Lambert © July 22, 2010

I Spy Bugs!

Wonderful things happen to those who pay attention. At the very end of a full day of work, writing, painting, and work hobbying, a big jewel of a ten-lined June beetle bumped into my office porch light over my back door.  I snagged it and photographed it.

So much fun!

Loren M. Lambert © July 23, 2010

Why This Welfare Dad Doesn’t Work

The Horace Fulbright Research Group  reported that a father of 10 children, who had been off and on welfare for 30 years, stated (when asked why he didn't work): "Why work, when I can drive on almost all the roads for free, and the ones I can't, I wouldn't want to go to those s_ _ _ holes anyway."

This was similar to the response of about 1 million other Americans.

Loren M. Lambert © July 23, 2010

Why Work?

In an extensive, five-month, nationwide survey, The Horace Fulbright Research Group determined that the reason the economy has not recovered is that approximately 11 percent of the U.S. populace decided to close their businesses, resign from the labor force, or simply not seek new employment, because with free healthcare, there was no reason to work.

Loren M. Lambert © July 23, 2010

ASS and SWB Join To Raise Money For “Minutemaids”

ASS (Ants for Socialistic Solidarity) and SWB (Squirrels Without Borders) are joining hands (paws and claws) to raise money for "Minutemaids" – a new Utah and U.S. organization dedicated to bring and serve mini cupcakes and refreshing drinks to the Minutemen, whenever they agree to meet and chat with the opposition.

Please let us know if any of you could volunteer to help.

Loren M. Lambert © July 24, 2010

On My Mountain Bike and On My Couch

As I was starting up Big Cottonwood Canyon on my mountain bike, some kid from a passing SUV yelled out to me, "That looks boring!"

Thank you, whoever you were. It was.

So, after the cool-off dip in the stream, while watching the humming birds nip bugs out of the air, I coasted home and returned to the excitement of my couch and a bag of potato chips. Ahh, heaven!

Loren M. Lambert © July 24, 2010

Air, Mustard Gas, and Flatulence

Here are more true comments by BP CEO Hayward:

“Compared to the total amount of air available to breathe during WWI, the Axis Forces used very little mustard gas against the allied forces. Compared to the total amount of gas used in WWII, only a minute amount was used in the Nazi concentration camps.”

Compared to the total amount of flatulence that emits from my rear, a relatively small amount is expelled when I speak.

Loren M. Lambert © July 27, 2010

Legal Plunder, Corporations 101

Legal Plunder, Corporations 101: Create legal corporate business structures that allow corporations to offer compensation packages that must be paid to CEOs, despite a corporation's bad performance, fraud, or commission of misfeasance and malfeasance against the public (i.e, BP's Tony Hayward) and leave the general public holding the bill.

Loren M. Lambert © July 27, 2010

Water Skiing at the Family Reunion

At the family reunion, I made my contribution to global warming with a couple spins around Arrowhead Reservoir on a jet ski, and then in the boat. I got up on a wakeboard for the first time – perhaps the last.

I'd never buy a boat or a jet ski, but I must admit that they are pretty fun, even with the aches I'll have in the morning.

Should I boycott this activity in the future?

Loren M. Lambert © July 30, 2010

Can We Have Open Borders?

Here's the real issue: Do you think we can have open borders, or do you not?

Loren M. Lambert © July 31, 2011

Shooting Guns In Idaho

I shot up the Idaho air (with a pack of well-supervised kids and the following guns: 22 handgun, 9 millimeter, 38 pistol, 22s, 45s, Revolvers, M-16) all in a flurry of 2nd amendment exuberance! And, breaking with tradition, we even cleaned up after ourselves!

Now, that's all-American!

Loren M. Lambert © July 31, 2010

Stretching Out the Drive Home

I managed to stretch out the drive home by a couple of hours by stopping several times to collect a couple of pretty rocks, and by jumping several times into the Owyhee Reservoir. The “longer” journey was worth it for a few bucolic scenes that had never held my gaze.

Loren M. Lambert © August 2, 2010  

Eliminating Cancer

A Medicare doctor told my friend, with cancer: The good news is, roughly 25 percent of your cancer has evaporated or dissolved. An additional 16 percent has dispersed naturally. Another 32 percent has been eliminated by the medicare response team, of which 17 percent was excised directly from the tumor, 8 percent has been chemically dispersed, 5 percent has been burned off by chemo, and 3 percent has been skimmed off. The bad news is, we don't know where the rest is.

Loren M. Lambert © August 4, 2010

Cleaning Dog Poop

My son's job is cleaning the neighbor dog's poop. I asked him if it was done. He answered:

Roughly 25 percent of the doo doo has evaporated or dissolved. An additional 16 percent has dispersed naturally. Another 32 percent has been eliminated by the EPA response team, of which 17 percent was tracked away on people's shoes, 8 percent was chemically dispersed, 5 percent was burned off, and 3 percent was turned into artwork.

He could not account for the rest. Can you?

Loren M. Lambert © August 5, 2010

Ant, Squirrel, and Canuck (Who Won?)

No lie!  As I headed north on my way up 700 East in this morning’s rush hour traffic, I spotted three, small, compact cars in front of me, sporting vanity license plates that read, "Ant," "Squirrel," and "Canuck."  They started racing and jockeying for position. Question is, who won? The sissified Jodpur-wearing Canuck, the Ant for Socialist Solidarity, or the conservative Squirrel from SWB (Squirrels Without Borders)?

Loren M. Lambert © August 6, 2010

Directors Do Not Say, “No”

Remember everyone: Casting directors, directors, producers, and the like, do not say, "No" – especially in a callback. They just say, “Not this time, but hopefully the next, when the part is a better fit for you and the entire ensemble.”

Loren M. Lambert © August 6, 2010

Mosque Opponents

Dear Mosque Opponents,

I completely understand why you and others may feel this way. The desire to seek revenge is a natural reaction that many of us feel as victims of a slight, hurt, wrong, great injustice, or horrible atrocity. However, just as all Muslims and Islam are not collectively responsible for 9/11, Christianity and all those who profess it are not responsible for all the atrocities of the inquisition.

Loren M. Lambert © August 7, 2010

At the Oasis, Watching Birds

I’m at the Oasis. This is the first time I've watched a bird beg like a puppy dog for scraps at the table. If you've seen a juvenile bird (just out of the nest) drop its head, slightly extend its wings, and then peep submissively to its parents to be fed, you’d see that this is what this adult sparrow was doing at our table to get scraps.

Loren M. Lambert © August 9, 2010

Strife Subsides When Radical Elements Of Movements Are Treated With Dignity and Respect

Is it not insightful that when the dispossessed of our country have been given their full rights as citizens, the strife caused by the more radical elements of their movements have subsided? The same will occur in the third (and Muslim) world when the dispossessed of those masses are treated with dignity and respected as fellow brothers and sisters.

Loren M. Lambert © August 9, 2010

What is it?

What sentient being has splotchy or speckled skin, mates in cracks of ice in the dead of winter in pitch blackness when wind chill drives air temperature to -60 F, carries 50 percent body fat, conceives offspring who are born husky, and is fond of bottom-dwelling food? (Hint to Mark G.: It is not a Mormon.)

Loren M. Lambert © August 10, 2010

Baha’i Leaders Get 20-Year Prison Sentences For Activities Against Islamic Order

In Iran, seven Baha'i leaders received 20-year prison sentences after being accused of propaganda activities against the Islamic order and the establishment of an illegal administration. The accused had been held in Tehran's notorious Evin prison for 20 months, since 2008. The trial, which ended in June, had been comprised of six, brief court appearances beginning last January, during which the accused had roughly one hour's access to legal counsel.

Loren M. Lambert © August 12, 2010

We Are As Tall Ships, Directed By Deserving Hearts

We are not waves set in motion by uncontrollable forces to crash against the cliffs, but tall ships with sound hulls, guided by boundless reason, propelled by undaunted spirits, and directed by deserving hearts and souls all fashioned to bring us to many a safe harbor if we will only just set our hands upon the wheel.

Loren M. Lambert © August 16, 2010

Islam’s Washing Rituals

A good friend of mine, who is Muslim, took the time to explain to me the process, symbolism, and meaning behind Islam's washing rituals. It's really quite a beautiful ceremony. I suspect, if all Muslims took to heart it's meaning, as explained by my friend, we would find ourselves in a better world.

Loren M. Lambert © August 24, 2010

Hard Times

Foreclosures are still increasing, housing sales are plummeting, and lottery sales are catapulting to an all-time high. So, President Obama was wrong: In hard times, people don't cling to their guns and religion – they cling to their lottery ticket. Where do you suggest I get mine?

Loren M. Lambert © August 25, 2010

Glen Beck’s Insensitivity to MLK

While Glen Beck may have a constitutional right to counter-psuedo-anti-simulate Martin Luther King's rally and "I Have a Dream Speech," it is insensitive that he is doing so.

Loren M. Lambert © August 28, 2010

Sexual Interruptions

A recent study shows that 20-25 percent of couples will interrupt coital intimacy to respond to phones, email, and Facebook messages (e.g., “Okay, who are you? Oh, wait. I better get back – see ya”).

Loren M. Lambert © August 28, 2010

Word of Wisdom On “Doing”

It is said, "Don't just sit there, do something."

Buddhist's say, "Don't just do something, sit there."

Vocational rehabilitation experts claim, "Don’t just sit there, because with a sit/stand option, you should be able to work.

And progressives say, "Don't just do something. Do it better, more efficiently, and in a manner that is best-suited at this time for everyone and every living thing."

Loren M. Lambert © August 29, 2010

Glen Beck Speaking On MLK Anniversary Is Like Hugh Hefner Speaking At LDS Conference

Having Mr. Beck (the man who maligns people [i.e., the late Martin Luther King] everyday on his radio show) speak on the anniversary of MLK's “I Have a Dream” speech is like having a sincere, three-piece-suited, white-shirted Hugh Hefner give a talk at the LDS General Conference. Even if he said all the right things, his past behavior just wouldn’t let him quite personify the spirit of the event.

Loren M. Lambert © August 30, 2010

Herb Cowan On Cultivating

"You can't grow corn in a pea pod,"said my farmer/mentor, Herb Cowan.

Loren M. Lambert © August 30, 2010

Flu Shot

I got my flu shot at Rite Aid – cheaper than anyone else! Now, let’s hope it works.

How do you know who gives the best flu shot in town? Maybe I should get a few more, just for comparison.

Loren M. Lambert © August 31, 2010

Herb Cowan On Pigs

"Pigs stink no matter whose pen they’re in," said Herb Cowan, farmer and mentor.

Loren M. Lambert © September 2, 2010

Herb Cowan On The Journey To Smell the Daisies

"Daisies ain't much ta smell, but the journey yer eyes take ta get yer nose there sure is nice." said Herb Cowan, farmer and mentor (taught Loren everything he knows).

Loren M. Lambert © September 4, 2010

SWB & ASS On Hypocrites

SWB (Squirrels Without Borders) and ASS (Ants for Socialist Solidarity) make this joint statement:

SWB are pleased the 70,000 supporters are gone, because we can now resume ground excursions to neighboring trees without having to show our ID and passports, and chirp the national anthem.

ASS are just grateful the slaughter has ended and we can now gather up our dead, trampled-under shoes that did not tread so lightly while parading around with “Don't Tread on Us” flags.

Hypocrites!

Loren M. Lambert © September 4, 2010

Exercises of Free Speech

Burning a draft card, bra, Bible, flag, Koran, or many things (so long as it can be done safely and without inordinate harm to the environment) is a valid exercise of symbolic, free speech that should not be proscribed by law, nor by vigilantism, but with a response that will effectively present your objection to it.

Loren M. Lambert © September 9, 2010

Herb Cowan On Smelling Daisies

As my mentor/farmer, Herb Cowan, would always say, "That's just like smelling daisies."

Loren M. Lambert © September 9, 2010

SWB and ASS On Teaching Kids by Example

SWB (Squirrels Without Borders) and ASS (Ants for Socialist Solidarity) would like to urge everyone to do what we do: We don't burn anyone's books in protest. We simply live exemplary lives so our children always follow our examples.

Loren M. Lambert © September 9, 2010

Sleep Deprivation Study In Rats

Rats deprived of sleep will die.

With stimulus funds, New York has been experimenting with films displayed on tiny TV sets lowered down into the subways and sewers to develop a program that will keep rats awake.

Amazingly, a film of sleeping kittens has kept rats so glued to the tube that they first start cannibalizing each other, gain twice their original weight, stay up 24/7, and kill over dead in several days.

Loren M. Lambert © September 10, 2010

The Health of Facebook Addicts

Lab assistants who have to stay up to deprive rats of sleep, to see how long they will live before croaking, have a greater risk of dying of diabetes, obesity, heart disease, and immune dysfunction.

This is also true of Facebook addicts.

Loren M. Lambert © September 11, 2010

The Health of Facebook Addicts

Lab assistants who have to stay up to deprive rats of sleep, to see how long they will live before croaking, have a greater risk of dying of diabetes, obesity, heart disease, and immune dysfunction.

This is also true of Facebook addicts.

Loren M. Lambert © September 11, 2010

Court Rules To Dismantle Memorial Crosses

The Tenth Circuit Court ruled to make the Utah Highway Patrol (UHP) dismantle the memorial crosses. I would rule the other way, but would require that the UHP allow the families to designate the symbol they wanted to use to memorialize the fallen officer – including non-Christian memorials. That is not to say I think the sky is falling. The line must be drawn, and I understand the views of both sides. We have enough freedom to practice our religions.

Loren M. Lambert © September 18, 2010

Energy Drinks as a Long-Term Drag

"The only reason I drink a Red Bull, Jolt, or Monster, is because I don't have a needle and a fix." ~Anonymous.

So, energy drinks? A niche needing to be filled? Beneficial? A crutch? A long-term drag upon your bod?

Loren M. Lambert © September 15, 2010

Human Vanity

We are special. We have done no wrong. We can do no wrong. We just make a couple of mistakes here and there when pushed, so it's “their” fault anyway.

“Them?” They are just the opposite of us.

Moreover, the Messiah will always be born in our land, in our likeness, and to us – not them.

Loren M. Lambert © September 22, 2010

If We Could All Forgive, Like The Victim From Wyoming

I heard one of the most amazing stories of a guy from Wyoming, who five gang members tried to kill to be promoted in the “Latin Kings.” He faced his attempted killer in court and instead of spewing his anger, he spoke to his attacker’s heart, forgave him, and challenged him to be better when he got out of prison.  Maybe it will have no impact, but if we could all be like the guy from Wyoming...

Loren M. Lambert © September 23, 2010

Herb Cowan On Vast Empty Land Space

I took my mentor, Herb Cowan, on a backpacking trip. While driving past the San Rafael Swell, he commented, "Look out thar at all that empty space. Wouldn't be great to see some houses, ranches, some old junker cars?  Makes me want ta barf up my guts ta see so much empty space goin’ ta waste.”

Loren M. Lambert © September 26, 2010

ASS On Preparing For Hard Times

ASS (Ants for Socialistic Solidarity) would like everyone to remember, during this election, that an ant bed is only as good as its weakest members' potential.

Also, the queen is not responsible for the storms passing overhead, but only to ensure that her children are equipped to retreat, and then (when the storm passes) to rebound, rebuild, restock, and to re-fry beans. (Not really, just teasing our southern sisters.)

Loren M. Lambert © October 2, 2010

Eating Dangerously

To any outdoor-types who might give me some input:  I picked some red berries that grew on a bush with evergreen/light-green alternate compound leaves (similar to a Desert Oak).  I ate one berry.  It was good, but thought I'd better leave it at that. The shape of the alternate lobes were like Holly leaves (it wasn't a Holly bush).

Loren M. Lambert © October 2, 2010

Herb Cowan On Governor Herbert and UDOT

I asked my mentor, Herb Cowan, what he thought about Utah Governor Herbert and the UDOT stuff.  He said, "You can't herd cats, but you sure can give 'em a plate of cream."

Loren M. Lambert © October 2, 2010

SWB On Preparing For Hard Times

SWB (Squirrels Without Borders) would like everyone to remember, during this election cycle, that it is not only the number of nuts you have put away for hard times that's important, but that your teeth are sharp and strong enough to husk and then grind them.

Loren M. Lambert © October 2, 2010

Universal Message Enlightens All

The Dalai Lama (similar to Nelson Mandela and Gandhi) stated that . . .

Just kidding. I’m just trying to catch the attention of my liberal friends. However, if anyone at the LDS General Conference presented a universal message (not to convert, but to enlighten) which would benefit all, it was President Dieter F. Uchtdorf.

Loren M. Lambert © October 4, 2010

Sexual Addiction Article

The Daily Utah Chronicle – Sexual Addiction Can Be Overcome. dailyutahchronicle.com:
 http://www.dailyutahchronicle.com/opinion/sexual-addiction-can-be-overcome-1.2357860

My suggested title: Sex: God's Little Baby-Making Hard Drive.

Loren M. Lambert © October 7, 2010

Cultivate Quirkiness

Cultivate quirkiness. This is what I learned today from Glen Morshower.

Thanks for validating my life path, Glen!

Loren M. Lambert © October 9, 2010

Vigilantism Can Be Disguised

Vigilantism may not come veiled for you with a noose, with a shot, or an explosion, but in a whisper, a slight, or in many a small cut. It can be, nonetheless, just as cruel and cataclysmic, as well as unwarranted, to leave the innocent choked of all breath.

Bear me the blade to sever those invisible cords.

Loren M. Lambert © October 9, 2010

Tomorrow’s Brain Forecast

Tomorrow’s weather: 70 percent chance of a brain storm, 15 percent chance of a brain freeze, and only five percent chance of a brain fart.

It might be a good day to stay away.

Loren M. Lambert © October 14, 2010

Dark Angels

What do the dark angels, who follow, say when they catch up to you?

Loren M. Lambert © October 19, 2010

Utahns Voting Democratic In Nevada

I have just joined "Get the Vote Out of Utah.org."  We take busloads of Utahans out to Nevada where they gamble, enjoy dinner, and vote democratic. Then, we return them to Utah, wearing their "Sarah Palin for President” pins, and no one is worse for the wear.

Loren M. Lambert © October 19, 2010

Young Innovators Can Become Controlling Dictators

Tim Wu, author of the “Master Switch,” states that even in business, young revolutionary innovators – who thrive on chaos and competition when bringing in a new technology – become controlling dictators who manipulate to maintain their power. That is the problem with the medical industrial complex. Read this book and get back to me, my conservative lackey friends.

Loren M. Lambert © November 1, 2010

Number One Reason for Voting: “No Jobs”

Exit polls show that one of the number one reasons for voting choices was "no jobs." What are Republicans going to do to create jobs? Don’t get me wrong and assume that I think Democrats can "create jobs." I'm like you: I don't think jobs necessarily have anything to do with the government. I just find the electorate somewhat disjointed in its thinking.

Loren M. Lambert © November 2, 2010

The Pickle Factory

The adventure broadens.

If you lick the rafters in the cellar of the pickle factory, you can still taste the pickles! Sweet on the east and dill on the west.

Loren M. Lambert © November 10, 2010

The Dead Surveyed

A recent survey found 11 percent of drivers admitted falling asleep at the wheel. Four percent of these died. In a similar study, 20 percent admitted falling asleep while eating mashed potatoes. A whopping seven percent of these died.

Loren M. Lambert © November 11, 2011

The Smell Of Torture

The adventure accelerates.

There is nothing like the smell of crucifixions in the morning and a bit of water boarding in the afternoon. Lovely.

Loren M. Lambert © November 11, 2010

Aren’t We All Anti-War?

During the filming of Shades of Treason, a fellow American indicated that he hoped it was not an anti-war movie.

What's wrong with an anti-war movie? Aren't we all anti-war? Perhaps a better question is, “Was it an anti-self-defense movie?”

Loren M. Lambert © November 27, 2010

Shades of Treason

Shades of Treason – A great movie, made in a great state! Yes, even the State of Utah!

Thanks to: Rob Diamond, Danielle Carlson, Scott Winn, David Thorpe, Megan Zimmerman, Ivonne Lopez, Aaron Cole, Kellie Penman, Lucas Bybee, Tod Huntington, David Stevens, David Nieman, and all the others.

Loren M. Lambert © November 28, 2010

Snowstorm Stories To Tell Our Posterity

Today’s snowstorm was worthy of the snowstorm stories I share with my posterity. We all have these stories. I lived mine while delivering the morning news at 5 a.m. with nothing between me and sub-zero temperatures except a thin Speedo and a mother's blessing. While the pay was dismal, the Christmas tips made it all worthwhile.

Loren M. Lambert © November 28, 2010

Worthiness of Stink

"That stink is not worth the air it is wafted on," said myself about *.

Loren M. Lambert © November 29, 2010

Herb Cowan On Catching All Green Lights

"It doesn't matter what goes wrong during the day if, when I drive home, all the lights turn green so I don't have to slow down. Then, I know there is a God in heaven and all is well in the universe," said Herb Cowan, my mentor.

Loren M. Lambert © December 28, 2011

A Butt Wash

A recent study demonstrated that those who use the same washcloth for all parts of their body have 40 percent more acne problems compared to those who use a "butt washcloth" just for their posterior, and an "everything-but-your-butt washcloth" on everything but their butt.

(Just kidding.)

Loren M. Lambert © December 1, 2010

No Society Can Excel In Blocking the Pathway Upward

No society can excel that does the following:

1) in a misguided effort to create equality, it debases and renders the industry and ingenuity of the extraordinary to the level of the lowest common denominator; or 

2) in a misinformed effort to empower its elite, it ignores and marginalizes the hopes and dreams of the downtrodden by failing to create and make accessible numerous pathways to the top.

Loren M. Lambert © December 2, 2010

Bikram Yoga

Bikram yoga: enough hell for the aged, and too much hell for the young. Makes me remember what it was like in wrestling practice, except there's no grappling.

Loren M. Lambert © December 6, 2010

Are You a Mosquito Magnet

Reseachers on an African malaria-bearing mosquito have discovered the best repellent: Someone with stinkier feet than you, PLUS greater lung capacity to put out more CO2, EQUALS mosquito magnet. A number of you out there fit this description.  So I don't have to call you out, please contact me anonymously to volunteer for my next African trip.

Loren M. Lambert © December 11, 2010

Dreams and Projections

I'll design the dream and you populate it with your projections.

Loren M. Lambert © December 12, 2010

Supreme Court’s Interesting Battle With Healthcare

My dear conservative friends and colleagues, it has not been lost on me that the mandatory purchase of healthcare insurance has been struck down by one federal court and I cannot say that he is wrong. It will be an interesting battle before the Supreme Court, and you think you guys have the upper hand on that provision.

Loren M. Lambert © December 15, 2011

God Wants To Take Me Home

God has instructed me to raise eight million dollars by March, or he will take me home. I don't want to go home – ever. How much money do I have to raise for that?

Loren M. Lambert © December 16, 2010

Gold Medals Are Given To Those Who Finish First (Life Is the Same!)

Olympic Gold medals are not bestowed upon those who worked the hardest, nor to those who sacrificed the most to take their place upon the field of competition. Gold medals are only granted to those who crossed the finish line first, ahead of many who paid the same or greater price in blood, sweat, and tears. Do not fool yourself into thinking life is any different.

Loren M. Lambert © December 18, 2010

Christmas Cantata

Singing most of the notes right, and sometimes making them sound good in the Christmas Cantata, is priceless!

Loren M. Lambert © December 19, 2010

Regulation on Broadcast Commercials Sound Levels

Chalk one up for regulation!  Soon, radio and TV commercials will be required to play with a sound level consistent with the other programming. Sometimes the government does solve the world's problems and bring peace into our homes.

Loren M. Lambert © December 19, 2010

Callipygians Unite!

Callipygians unite!!! (Ok, I learned something playing Cranium tonight with the kids. We will all be working on our Callipygian workouts this week to make up for such an anti-callipygian Holiday stint.

Loren M. Lambert © December 26, 2010

Good, Scaled-Down Christmas

We celebrated a full Christmas day with the "fam," and it was all good – even with a scaled-down Christmas (by commercial standards).

Lesson learned.

Loren M. Lambert © December 26, 2010

Do Some Heroes Deserve Better Healthcare Than Others?

Do the first responders in the September 11, 2001 national crisis merit (due to their service) public-funded healthcare and additional benefits beyond that which they already had?

Do thousands of Americans every year respond in equally heroic ways in less-public and more low-key disasters and emergencies and thereby suffer harm? Are they as deserving?

Loren M. Lambert © December 28, 2011

Immortality and Cancer Cells

Author Dr. Siddhartha Mukherjee says that just as people strive for immortality, so do cancer cells. However, they have achieved greater success in this area than we have.

"Ah, grasshopper! Learn wisdom and reveal the secret of the cancer cell [and] thereby discover immortality."

Loren M. Lambert © December 22, 2010

Piney Christmases In Tacoma

Gotta love this typically rainy December. It reminds me of all those piney Christmases in Tacoma when I was a kid.

Hold it, I didn't grow up in Tacoma.

Loren M. Lambert © December 22, 2010

King David Through the Eyes Of Uriah

It came as no surprise that before the founding of the Committee for the De-Canonization of Biblical Prophets and Other Religious Figures (Commi-DeCan), Uriah, the Hittite, figured his boss as a Biblical Profit that would engage in anti-American activities if he lived today. 

Loren M. Lambert © April 2, 2010

SWB Spring Retreat

I’m going on assignment to the "Squirrels Without Borders" spring retreat and a forced writing confinement stint in Heber City. Should be fun. Until then, hasta la Arizona!

Loren M. Lambert © May 10, 2010

River Rat Reunion

River Rat Reunion tomorrow! Very exciting! You'll never meet a more dynamic group of people – nor any with more skin cancer.

Loren M. Lambert © May 7, 2010

Doctor Advises Me On Cialis

A Cialis drug, TV ad urged its viewers to ask their doctors if they were healthy enough to have sex – so I did, for all of us. He said asking the right question was more important than getting the right answer and that I had asked the wrong question.

"What is it Master?" I implored. He responded, addressing me by my Native American name: "Little Weedwacker, take these two pills and come back in a month and ask me again."

Stay tuned.

Loren M. Lambert © May 7, 2010

Arizona Immigration Policy Poll

Fifty-one percent of Americans polled favor Arizona's immigration policy, and 49 percent oppose it. They are both right.

Loren M. Lambert © May 6, 2010

Solutions For Oil Companies

What is the best preventative solution to ensure oil companies are as safe as possible? When things go bad, what should the solution be? Leak baby, leak? Jump public, jump? Half measures by half? Gov biz, gov biz?  Die baby, die?

I'd like to hear all proposals.

Loren M. Lambert © May 6, 2010

Dodo Birds and Trees

Conservatives and radical fascists say that if 250 jobs are lost because Dodo bird hunting is banned, those jobs, like the death of a salesman, are lost forever and the hunters' families will immediately starve. They also say we must cut down every tree on earth or live in dirt pits. Enlightened progressives realize that we are infinitely resourceful and innovative and will find new ways to progress, despite needed change.

Loren M. Lambert © May 5, 2010

Transportation and Healthcare

Just as a streamlined, safe, and accessible national transportation system is the backbone of an efficient and robust economy, an affordable, portable, and universal national healthcare system is the backbone of a healthy, dynamic, and productive workforce. A nation that fails to provide either of these essential components to their civil society, will fail to progress.

Loren M. Lambert © May 3, 2010

SWB On Ecology and Healthcare

Today's Timeless Truth:

Just as pristine wilderness is the backbone of a robust ecology, the elimination of all healthcare is damage to the backbone of a healthy and dynamic genetic pool. A species that fails to realize this will propagate debilitating genetic flaws and be mired in healthcare expenses.

(This message is sponsored by Squirrels Without Borders (SWB). It is not representative of the Facebook-wall provider’s opinion.)

Loren M. Lambert © May 3, 2010

I Believe In Checks and Balances

I believe in our system of constitutional government – in our checks and balances. Such a system has, as its very design, a shifting of interests, powers, and governance. Such a system envisions that none of us will ever get everything we want. Such a system contemplates a balancing act between sometimes-equally valid, competing forces.

Loren M. Lambert © May 2, 2010

SWB On Kids Leaving Home

Today's Universal and Timeless Truth:

All kids have to leave home, for good, by September 30th.  No exceptions.

(This message was funded through money untainted by federal bailout funds, and it was approved by board president, Rocky the Squirrel, from Squirrels Without Borders.)

Loren M. Lambert © May 1, 2010

Politicians Lick The Ax That “Did Mike (the Chicken) Good”

A KBYU documentary featured “Mike,” a chicken from Fruita, Colorado, that lived for 18 months, gaining six pounds after its head had been hacked off in 1945. The owner, Lloyd Olsen, indicated that many a politician has made a pilgrimage to his ranch, asking to lick the ax that “did Mike good,” in hopes that they, too, could achieve greatness without having the blessing of a brain. Guess whose pictures line his chicken coop?

Loren M. Lambert © April 30, 2010

Is The Collapse Of Greece Headed Our Way?

Here is what is currently happening in Greece (the cradle of civilization): 

Basically, 3.5 million people are carrying 7.5 million people on their backs.  This is a result of 11 million people living beyond their means, with only 4.5 million employed, Of those, one million are employed in government service.

Is this our fate? Is the junk debt tsunami headed our way?

Loren M. Lambert © April 30, 2010

To Understand My Present, You Must Know My Past and Future

I am super-positioned like a subatomic particle. The more you try to determine where I am, the less you will gage my speed. The more you try to gage my speed, the less you will be able to determine where I am.   

If you want to understand my present, you will have to know my past and my future.

Loren M. Lambert © April 28, 2010

SWB On Trafficking

Today's Universal and Timeless Truth:

“A thousand-mile journey starts when some homosapian, who doesn't know to leave well enough alone, traps one of us in a cage to sell to another homosapian in Asia.”

(This message was approved by Slappy, from Squirrels Without Borders.)

Loren M. Lambert © April 27, 2010

SWB On A Thousand-Mile Journey

Today's Universal and Timeless Truth:

“A thousand-mile journey starts by taking a snug night's slumber and then waking up rested and ready to greet the new morning, having forgotten the notion that a thousand-mile journey was a good idea.”

(This message was appoved by Skippy, from Squirrels Without Borders.)

Loren M. Lambert © April 26, 2010

Restaurant Expense

Most restaurants should be called, "More Food Than You Should Pay For, or Ever Eat!" However, we love going to them, don't we?

Loren M. Lambert © April 26, 2010

SWB On Tweezers

Today’s Universal and Timeless Truth:

“If you pull out all your hair with tweezers, it will take a while before you look like a bald mole rat.”

(This message was approved by Twiggy [and only Twiggy] and none of the other squirrels from Squirrels Without Borders.)

Loren M. Lambert © April 22, 2010

Truth Found In The Center Of Sweets

I am a centrist. I believe truth can be found at the center of a Twinkie, at the center of a Ding Dong, and sometimes, even at the center of a bon-bon. The taste of that truth depends on how many calories I've eaten that day and what my emotional age happens to be.

Loren M. Lambert © April 20, 2010

SWB On Economy and DUIs

Today’s Universal and Timeless Truth:

“Squirrels function in a 100-percent fossil-fuel-free economy. As a result, squirrels never get DUIs!”

(This message was mixed and served by board members, Twiggy, Slappy, and Skippy squirrels, of Squirrels Without Borders.)

Loren M. Lambert © April 19, 2010

Family Values Radio Advertises Government Credit Card Bailout Program

I find it ironical that the Glen Beck program, Family Values Radio, advertises the federal government’s credit card bailout program. What could be more conservative and family-value-oriented than maxing out your credit cards and then walking away so we all pick up the tab? Shouldn't Glen Beck be agitating against this?

No, because he's sold out.

Loren M. Lambert © April 19, 2010

SWB On Living Independently

Today’s Universal and Timeless Truth:

“Squirrels crack their own nuts using only what God/Person/Nature/Allah/Hap/Jehovah/George Burns gave them at birth: claws and teeth. As a result, squirrels live independently of modern trappings. You should do the same.”

(This message shucked by Squirrels Without Borders.)

Loren M. Lambert © April 18, 2010

SWB On Government Charity

Today’s Universal and Timeless Truth: 

“Give no charity, expect no charity, and don't even think about setting up a government that could try to do charity.  Squirrels don't, and you shouldn't either. That is why we can afford to sleep all winter.”

(This message paid for by Squirrels Without Borders. Rocky and Cybil approve of this message.)

Loren M. Lambert © April 17, 2010

SWB On Ensuring Good Health Of a Species

Today’s Universal and Timeless Truth: 

“The best way to ensure the good health of a species is to have a worthy predator capable of culling the particular species' sick, weak, and old, by pursuing and then eating them. That is why you never see any blue-haired or wheelchair-bound squirrels.”

(This message paid for by Squirrels Without Borders, and subsidized by The Raptors Coalition for Constitutional Compliance.)

Loren M. Lambert © April 15, 2010

SWB On Collecting As Many Nuts As Possible

Today’s Universal and Timeless Truth: 

“Collect as many nuts as possible, and hide them where ever you can.”

(This message paid for by Squirrels Without Borders.)

Loren M. Lambert © April 15, 2010

Congressional Budget Office Gives Federal Income Tax Statistics

Robertson Williams, of the Congressional Budget Offices, says:  Forty seven percent of the population does not pay any federal income taxes. Those who earn over $500,000 in income (i.e., one percent of the U.S. population who makes 17 percent of all income) pay 24 percent of all federal taxes. Those who make over $100,000 in income (i.e., five percent of the population who make 56 percent of all income) pay 70 percent of all federal taxes.

Loren M. Lambert © April 15, 2010

Madrasa-fication of American Working Class

I listened to Glen Beck, today. He and others are causing the Madrasa-fication  of the American working class. He called all the politicians he opposes "thugs" and indicated that the "forces of darkness" and evil (not born of human mothers) brought down the Polish politicians, because they supported the Bush Administration.

Yes. Another pap-filled fascist feeds the flames of extremism.

Loren M. Lambert © April 12, 2010

Chris Buttars Syndrome

A new study shows those "suffering" from "Williams Syndrome" lack social fear. Unlike most, they do not, instinctively, racially stereotype, although they do have gender bias. It is further anticipated that the syndrome that causes the inability to suppress the inclination to stereotype will be labeled as having "Chris Buttars’ Syndrome."

(Note: Senator Buttars did do one great thing this legislative season, so I can't be too harsh on him.)

Loren M. Lambert © April 12, 2010

I Achieve My Goals

I achieve most of my goals. Sometimes, the world just doesn't reach them with me.

Loren M. Lambert © April 11, 2010

SWB Predicts “Squirreldom Reich” For More Than Thousand Years

Squirrels Without Borders.org (SWB) has notified me that they (the consummate constitutional conservative capitalists) embrace being referred to as “PAP-filled fascists” and declare this universal and timeless truth:

The more humans use medical care, the weaker they will become. Eventually, this (they predict) will lead to squirrels’ ascendance over humanity and will usher in the “Squirreldom Reich” for more than a thousand years.

Loren M. Lambert © April 9, 2010

Moon A Squirrel!

Factoid: Squirrel saliva carries antibodies for most human pathogens. The bitten acquire the same immunities. Hence, to show solidarity to opponents of the Obama health plan, Squirrels Without Borders’ executive board member, Rocky (of 1960's The Bullwinkle Show fame), has volunteered its membership to provide free inoculations to all Republicans. To access this service, bear your Republican credentials by mooning a squirrel from April through May.

Loren M. Lambert © April 9, 2010

From Banana, To Vanilla, To Bile-Filled Twinkie

Congratulations! It’s the 80th anniversary of the Twinkie!  Did you know that the Twinkie (invented as an inexpensive treat during the Great Depression) was meant to have a banana cream center, but shortages forced a change to vanilla?

Question for today: Will the “Obama Healthcare Twinkie” (invented as a treat for the dying uninsured) have the same staying power, since shortages forced the “Healthcare Twinkie” to contain a bile-filled center?

Loren M. Lambert © April 9, 2010

Salt Lake City In The Running For 2012 Republican Convention

After the RNC's vetting of Salt Lake City for the 2012 Republican Convention, RNC Chairman Michael Steele stated, "I must admit that I was surprised by what I saw: Flexible infrastructure, robust facilities, and very attractive facades, all punctuated with this surprisingly wholesome appeal.  I just felt some of the packaging was a little too restrictive. Yet with a little streamlining, Salt Lake City  is still in the running."

Loren M. Lambert © April 6, 2010

My Comments On Hannty and Friedman Shows

Returning from Easter vacation, I listened to Sean Hannity.

If Hannity can call everyone who disagrees with him “radical socialists,” can I call him a “nutty fascist?” Would that be fair? (Note: I do agree with some of his pap, but I hate his polarizing delivery.)

I also listened to George Friedman, and I agreed with his climate change analysis. He’s a smart guy to say something that both sides of the issue would have to acknowledge as true.

Loren M. Lambert © April 5, 2010

What Pops Bubbles?

What popped the dot-com bubble? What popped the real estate bubble? And what will pop the healthcare bubble?

Loren M. Lambert © February 4, 2010

Marshmallows

When you were four, were you the one who could hold off eating your marshmallow with the promise of getting another one in 15 minutes, or did you eat it? (Were you like me, who discovered that marshmallows were better after they had dried out in the bottom of the bread drawer and then discovered when all the cupboards were bare and you were hungry?)

Loren M. Lambert © April 4, 2010

Subpoena for King David

A subpoena has been prepared to bring King David before the Commi DeCan (The Committee For the De-Canonization of Biblical Prophets and Other Religious Figures, Who Contemporarily Would be Deemed to Engage in Un-American Activities), to respond to the charges that he is a communist, and to name his other associates. Commi DeCan is looking for someone willing to serve the subpoena.

Loren M. Lambert © April 3, 2010

Understanding Our Constitution

A claim that there is a universal, absolute, plainly understood application of the Constitution to every unique and developing issue in our modern society is a fantasy that only the arrogant and dictatorial can claim to possess.

Loren M. Lambert © March 30, 2010

Living In Democracy Requirements

Living in a free and democratic society does not only require that we express our voice and exert our will, but that we exercise restraint, tolerance, and understanding.

Loren M. Lambert © March 30, 2010

Uriah, the Hittite, Called As Witness Against King David

Commi DeCan (The Committee For the De-Canonization of Biblical Prophets and Other Religious Figures [Who Contemporarily Would be Deemed to Engage in Un-American Activities]) has sworn in its first witness – Uriah the Hittite – in hopes that he will be a witness that is favorably inclined to their mission and will "out" the Biblical Communists.

Loren M. Lambert © March 29, 2010

Commi De Can Is Launched

It is official: The U.S. Federation of Christian Churches has convened the "Committee of De-Canonization of Biblical Prophets and Other Religious Figures, which Contemporarily Would be Deemed to Engage in Un-American Activities."

Its implementing body is now accepting applications. It has been funded by the Economic Stimulus Program.

Loren M. Lambert © March 27, 2010

Legalized Theft Portrayed In Joseph and His Technicolor Dream Coat

Joseph and His Technicolor Dream Coat is banned by the Mormons, due to its glorification of legalized theft.  Biblical Joseph (son of Jacob, and head of one of 12 tribes of Israel), who imposed seven years of taxes in Egypt, under the pretext of a dream and a contrived future famine, will now be labeled the father of Obamaism because of his totalitarian imposition of this tax.

This story will no longer be discussed in LDS sermons.

Loren M. Lambert © March 26, 2010

SWB to Mob “Doctors Without Borders”

With just a small donation of $100, given freely and charitably, Squirrels Without Borders (SWB) will be able to raise 1000 squirrels who will join an army of squirrels across the globe. At the opportune moment, they will mob all the "Doctors without Borders" and other healthcare professionals.

Loren M. Lambert © March 25, 2010

SWB On Whisking Doctors Away

SWB will whisk doctors away to a tropical paradise (where most are trying to get to anyway) so they can no longer harm man and womankind. 

If you pay today, you get a "Squirrels without Borders" bumper sticker and t-shirt.

Loren M. Lambert © March 25, 2010

SWB Claims Squirrels Are Healthy and Cute Because They Have No Doctors and Healthcare

The squirrel representative from Squirrels Without Borders (SWB) asked, "Have you ever seen an ugly squirrel?" Answer: No.

"Have you ever seen a sick or diseased squirrel?" Answer: No.

"Do squirrels have doctors?" Answer: No.

"Do squirrels have healthcare?" Answer: Gadnabit, no!

“Why are squirrels cute, healthy, and disease-free?”  The squirrel quickly answered, "No doctors and no healthcare, whatsoever!"

Loren M. Lambert © March 25, 2010

SWB Claims Humans Will Be Healthier Without Doctors

The squirrel representative from Squirrels Without Borders (SWB) asked, "Why are humans, dogs, cows, horses, and cats ugly, unhealthy, and disease-ridden?" 

She quickly answered, “Because of doctors and healthcare! Get rid of healthcare and doctors, and – voila! – you'll have attractive, healthy, disease-free humans, and you will save billions!”

Loren M. Lambert © March 25, 2010

I Have Joined “Squirrels Without Borders” (SWB)

I have had an ecumenical experience – almost like a transfiguration – and have adjusted my entire outlook. I am now anti-healthcare, period. I have joined "Squirrels Without Borders"– known as SWB. Their push-pollers called me and asked me questions that had the answers already in them – just like all good push poll questions.
   
Loren M. Lambert © March 25, 2010

Reality Of Scarcity

The reality of our existence concerns the scarcity of everything, so be grateful when it’s just about your bald head or too few panties in your drawer.

Loren M. Lambert © March 24, 2010

MRSA

MRSA is staph resistant to antibiotics. It can be fatal. MRSA infections occur in healthcare settings and are known as healthcare-associated MRSA, or HA-MRSA. MRSA has occurred in the wider community, called community-associated MRSA.

Lastly, MRSA has occurred among healthcare reform opponents. It is called HELNO MRSA and it spreads because of HCR opponents’ “MRSA-less” views on reform. Beware.

Loren M. Lambert © March 24, 2010

Time and the Absence of Love

"Time is subjective, and the absence of love is a broken measure of its passage until a whole lifetime spills out in a handful of sand." Loren Lambert

Loren M. Lambert © March 22, 2010

Those Who Decry Adjustments Have Usually Not Been Affected By Imbalance

Maintaining balance is not static. Those who decry any adjustment that seeks equilibrium, such as the current healthcare reform, usually have not been cognizant of the erosive forces that have upset that balance, because they have not been affected by it.

Loren M. Lambert © March 22, 2010

Leaders in Healthcare

While many may feel “lowered” (by the healthcare reform) from their artificially elevated heights, many more may feel liberated from crushing despair. Government and business leaders will be enabled to better sacrifice for, and serve, the corporations, institutions, and fellow human beings for whom they labor, and now can better view as their own flesh and blood. 

Loren M. Lambert © March 22, 2010

Healthcare Monopoly

We are attempting to bust the monopoly that the fortunate few have over healthcare, by requiring health insurance companies to stand by the basis for existing:  spreading risk among all to provide support for the few who need it.

Loren M. Lambert © March 22, 2010

Healthcare or Stucco Construction?

Ok, that's enough about healthcare. Time to move on to more important things, like the eyesore that stucco construction will present in 20 years.

Loren M. Lambert © March 22, 2010 

Elevating Others Elevates Us

"I predict future happiness for Americans if they can realize that they are their brother's keeper and that the elevation of the very least of them is the elevation of all." ~Loren Lambert

Loren M. Lambert © March 22, 2010

Corrupt Businesses Cause People To Groan Under The Unbalanced Weight

"Corrupt" business forces and elemental greed have disrupted equilibrium until more than a few of us have been groaning under their unbalanced weight, while others –  having been lifted to lofty heights – are ignorant of our pain.

A government for the people and of the people is only as "corrupt" or as beneficent as its people.

Loren M. Lambert © March 22, 2010

Corporations Should Merit Our Close Scrutiny

Institutions and corporations should merit our close scrutiny as much as any government. When corporations attain too much ascendance, sometimes it is only government that truly has the muscle to restore balance. There is no PRETENSE here, but a necessary restoration of equilibrium.

Loren M. Lambert © March 22, 2010

Health Bill Passed the House

The health bill passed the House. I guess my Darwinian, conservative friends will be succeeding from the Union and moving to Kanab, Utah, where unfettered capitalism is king. 

In 20 years, I hope you won’t be saying, "I told you so." I can't claim I know for a fact that things will be better, but I am hopeful. If it doesn't work out, I'll be there with you to try something else.

Loren M. Lambert © March 21, 2010

Community Forums Held In Strip Joints

After great success in creating jobs and stimulating the economy in California, the Republican National Committee will be using donated money to host community forums across the nation, in the bastions of conservative idealism: our strip joints. Here in Utah, those forums will be at “Southern Exposure” and “Trails.”

Loren M. Lambert © March 30, 2010

“Fine Lines” Must Never Be Crossed

"Remember, as life has taught us: There are many ‘fine lines.’ However ‘fine’ they may be, they, nonetheless, are there, and although they may be thinned, frayed, maligned, and sometimes bent, they must never be crossed." ~Loren Lambert

Loren M. Lambert © March 21, 2010

U.S. Representative Paul Ryan Offers Healthcare Suggestions

In the Hillsdale College Publication, Imprimis, U.S. Representative Paul Ryan suggested that we: 1) Equalize tax treatment for healthcare by ending the current discrimination against private policies, 2) Create government-subsidized, high-risk insurance pools, 3) Allow interstate health insurance competition, 4) Require the publication of all medical procedures, tests, etc.

While not completely adequate, they make sense, and numbers 1, 3, and 4 could be implemented at no expense.

Loren M. Lambert © March 11, 2010

Healthcare CEOs Get Rich Whipping Middle Class, But Denying Them Healthcare

Fox News host, Sean Hannity, said that if the healthcare bill passes, "There will be too many people in the carriage and not enough people pulling it."

Currently, too many CEOs are sitting in the healthcare carriage, whipping the naked backs of the middle class (who are pulling the carriage) to provide the CEOs with undeserved, multimillion-dollar pensions, but denying us healthcare because of the "pre-existing" wounds they inflicted.

Loren M. Lambert © March 10, 2010

What Is Popular Isn’t Always Right . . .

Sticker: "What is popular isn't always right, what is right isn't always popular."

Similarly, religious fervor does not equal what is right, and what's right is not the same as religious fervor. Christ doesn't care what system we install to make adequate healthcare accessible for all – just that we do it. While Christ intoned no parables on healthcare, he didn't deny blessing the uninsured, blind, or bedridden.

Loren M. Lambert © March 9, 2010

Engaged In Nice Chat with Female NRA “Pollster-ette”

I got a call from the NRA (National Rifle Association), and we engaged in a nice chat. The gun-toting “pollster-ette” had a real sexy voice.  I could almost see her in her two-piece fatigues and combat boots, touting an M-60 with one arm–very sexy!  According to her and NRA president, several third-world dictators, who are platonically dating Hillary Clinton, will show up disguised as census takers at every American home and take away your guns, unless you donate this week!

Loren M. Lambert © March 9, 2010

Beautiful Fox Lay Lifeless on Trail

I enjoyed a walk with my family on the Dimple Dell gulch trail, just above 13th East. Sadly, we saw that something, or someone, had killed a fox. It was a beautiful animal – with long, bushy, golden-colored fur. It was sad to see its lifeless body.

We need wild corridors (like Dimple Dell) throughout our city, to give such life a chance. We also need to always educate, to prevent the needless blood sport that would kill such magnificent beauty.

Loren M. Lambert © March 8, 2010

Do Humans Eat Any Food Put Before Them?

A renowned nutritionist stated: "Research shows that if food is put before you, you will eat it, period, no exceptions." Is this true? I guess what this boils down to is that we are cows and this must be considered with crafting social policy.

Loren M. Lambert © March 6, 2010

The Perfect Day!

Today was an almost perfect day:  Four hours of writing, two hours of photography, 40 minutes at the aquarium, Indian buffet, workout at the YMCA, dinner, then off to a late movie.  After tomorrow, it's back to business. Shadang!

Loren M. Lambert © March 3, 2010

Court Hearing and Sightseeing in Duluth

I’m in Duluth, Minnesota, for a hearing. The judge brought me into his hearing room and told us we won before we started. Duh! I've been trying to get to him for a month!

But, hey, it was still a nice visit. There is beautiful architecture here, in sandstone; and Lake Superior's ice is breaking up. All very nice.

See you all in a couple of days. I’m taking time to sightsee, write, and study like a monk.

Loren M. Lambert © March 2, 2010

On Utah Education

We live in a state that spends the least, per student, yet Utah students achieve at a very high level. This fact is sometimes used as a justification for low teacher pay, etc. However, if this logic is followed, the parents of the Canyon District should have no qualms about equalizing the money given to the South Jordan District, so both get $1200 per student.

Loren M. Lambert © February 25, 2010

Our Legislature On Track To Pass Several Unconstitutional Bills

This year, our eminent and omniscient legislature is on track to pass several unconstitutional bills and spend millions enriching a few big law firms to unsuccessfully defend these bills. Where does the money come from? Perhaps from gutting further education’s budgets, to lay off several hundred more teachers.

Loren M. Lambert © February 24, 2010

Education Equalization Bill Fails

The legislature – in a further act of irredeemable and petty elitism and entitlement – failed to pass the education equalization bill. So pathetic!

Providing an equally strong education for all children is a small price and investment to give for the wealth the working class creates for the rich. Wake up, Utah!

Loren M. Lambert © February 24, 2010

About Nuclear Bombs

Bedtime tale about nuclear bombs: 

"Is it not a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt for so small a thing?"~Boromir of Iran.

Lord of the Rings character, Elrond counseled:

"To keep the all-seeing eye of the Ayatollah from seizing the Ring of power, we must not just deprive him of it, but cast all the Rings forged in the bowels of Los Alamos ...into the fires of Mt. Doom.”

Frodo should be arriving, soon, at Energy Solutions, Utah.

‘Nite. 

Loren M. Lambert © February 23, 2010

Teenage Male Desires Ice Dancer Relationship

Teen-age male comments about ice dancing:

"Someday, I want to have a relationship with a girl [which ice dancers appear to have], except without the clothes."

(Parents and sibling gasp and laugh.)

Realizing what he said, he turns red and says, "No I mean the funny clothes, but not like Moir Virtue."

Loren M. Lambert © February 22, 2010

Olympic Update

The Canadian men Curling Team whipped the U.S. to get revenge over the U.S. hockey team win. (It was a very exciting match – without the teeth loss!)

          Also – the dramatic and elegant ice dancing of the Canadians and Russians beat the exhilarating and athletic ice dancing of Davis & White, and Belbin & Agosto.

Loren M. Lambert © February 22, 2010

Writing Is Cleansing and Satisfying

There are only a few things more satisfying than writing a bit of work that seems to magically flow through you from the rivers of creation, with a force as unstoppable and as moving as any mountain-born torrent. Brace for the onslaught. If prepared, it will cleanse and renew you. And when we can't have those other bits of paradise, this is enough.

Thank you, for such a rich day.

Loren M. Lambert © February 20, 2010

Keep Land Public

Sagebrush Rebellion moons its pudgy rear every time the economy “goes south.” It’s always touted as a way for Utahans to control their destinies by privatizing federal lands. However, don't be fooled. It’s really a way for private developers to get our land.

We don't want our western land to resemble the east coast, where you can't go anywhere without encountering a razor wire fence and a shotgun barrel. Keep land public, keep it open, keep it wild, and keep it safe.

Loren M. Lambert © February 20, 2010

Medical Malpractice

Medical malpractice expenses add about 1.5 percent to our overall health coverage bill – so this is really just a tempest in a teapot in which a privileged elite of our society wants greater privileges.

Loren M. Lambert © February 18, 2010

Medical Malpractice Tort Reform Bill Under Debate

As I am sure you are all aware, there is a medical malpractice tort reform bill under debate in the Utah legislature. One portion of it attempts to limit legal fees charged by a plaintiff’s attorney – those representing the injured patients (not attorneys representing insurance companies).

What do all you free marketers say about this?

Loren M. Lambert © February 18, 2010

BYU is “uniBYUular”

In school, my daughter learned that organisms with one cell are unicellular, and those with more are multicellular. She observed that BYU is “uniBYUular” and Utah is “multiUTAHular,” stating that most BYU students only operate on one cell. However, she noted they are “multicheekbuttular.”

Kids are pretty silly.

Loren M. Lambert © February 17, 2010

Judgment Error

"Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then, do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment. For even the very wise cannot see all ends." Gandalf the Grey, the wizard in J.R.R. Tolkien’s, “Lord Of The Rings”

“Even the very intelligent, who sit in judgment, cannot always be correct.” ~Loren M. Lambert

Loren M. Lambert © February 16, 2010

The Self-Ordained Martyr

One who glories in his or her misery and goes out of his or her way to enhance the pain is very lonely – but not as lonely as the poor soul who tries to comfort and cure the self-ordained martyr.

Loren M. Lambert © February 15, 2010

Olympics Unite Us

The Olympics present a rare opportunity – when the genuine in spirit can unite and commune together in the shear joy of athletic competition, which brings out the best in us despite our failings and that of our nations. They, therefore, should not be politicized or ever used as a vehicle for protest. Save the politics for the G9 meetings or G “whatever.”

Loren M. Lambert © February 15, 2010

Which is a Walking Acoustic Shadow?

Which is a walking acoustic shadow: 1) a teenager, 2) the left and right butt cheeks, 3) Sarah Palin's spouse, or 4) all of the above?

Loren M. Lambert © February 12, 2010

Rendition– A Movie with a Message We Need to See

"Ay, but I fear you speak upon the rack [w]here men enforced do speak anything." ~William Shakespeare, Merchant of Venice.

Sharing a similar message is the 2007 Hollywood film, Rendition – the kind of story I would have liked to have written. However, it's not Disney, and not suitable for the refuge nestled in the Rocky Mountains. Nonetheless, it is one of those stories that many need to see.

Loren M. Lambert © February 11, 2010

Catheter Offer I Couldn’t Refuse

I saw a commercial for "friction-free, almost sensation-less" catheters, offering a 30-day, free-trial service!  Even though I don't need them (yet!), they made these catheters sound so fantastic that I didn't want to wait. So, I placed an order. After all,  I am a scout and I know its motto.  I'll let you all know how it goes.

What is your favorite catheter brand?

Loren M. Lambert © February 10, 2010

Have You Heard???

Many have heard: Ash nazg durbatuluk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatuluk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul!

However, only a lucky few have heard (and I have heard it, and I have it): Ash gwalenkine durbatuluk, ash gwalenkine gimbatul, ash gwalenkine thrakatuluk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul!

Have you?

Loren M. Lambert © February 9, 2010

Where’s Waldo?

Where, really, is Waldo? Is he a communist sympathizer?

Loren M. Lambert © February 4, 2010

Tim DeChristopher Targeted

Why is Tim DeChristopher being prosecuted?

Why were the Paria Canyon protestors, who violated the law, given free reign?

Loren M. Lambert © February 4, 2010

Working To Turn Misery Into Happiness– (Judges and Energy Solutions)

Due to pending occupational pressures, I will not be focusing on my relationships, nor on my mortality. Instead, I will be devoting all my time to pleasing the gods of my profession: Judge W and Judge X. Therefore, I will be very miserable for several days, with the hope that once Judges W and X have been appeased, happiness will flow like spent nuclear fuel rods into an Energy Solutions storage site.

Loren M. Lambert © February 2, 2010

Why Are Healthy Older People Happier?

According to This Emotional Life, a three-part PBS series, older people with generally good health tend to be happier because they know they are mortal and are going to die, and they therefore focus on their relationships. However, maybe this just pertains to older people in the U.S., who receive social security checks and Medicare. Maybe older people in the Sudan don't feel the same.

Loren M. Lambert © February 2, 2010

Happiness Is Contagious!

Happiness is contagious and can affect others four degrees removed.

Just so you all know, I am as happy as a raven on a warm carcass. Go out and be happy!

Loren M. Lambert © January 30, 2010

Get Cars Off the Road

To all tree huggers and climate control advocates:

To encourage “like” behavior (not to pat myself on the back), my goal is to ride the bike to work at least 50 times this year, and to use Trax when I can. (There is much more we can do, but this is a good start.)

Today was my first day on the bike (yes, it was cold!). I challenge everyone to do the same. Get those cars off the road!

Loren M. Lambert © January 29, 2010

What Is This? (Thermals, Chunks, Torrents, and Glaciers, etc.)

What is this:

A matrix of lava thermals hardens and cures its core. A chunk of mantel, separating from its crust, tilts it skyward. Torrents erode its exterior. Glaciers sculpt its face. Cataclysmic buckling rounds its edges, and finally, a millennial lake, held by a terminal moraine, sifts out the glacial silt to fill its depths.

(Hint: It's not Rush Limbaugh's forehead. However, it is similar and almost as majestic.)

Loren M. Lambert © January 28, 2010

To My Muslim Brothers Regarding Separation Of Church and State

Fact:  Sharia Law is opposed to the ideal of separation of church and state.

To my Muslim brothers: Name one example in history when a theocracy or any monolithic state did not devolve into a living hell. The wisdom of the Tower of Babel story (or myth) is that it is only misguided pride that causes humankind to believe heaven can be accessed by some single contrivance of our own fallible imaginations.

Loren M. Lambert © January 28, 2010

History of Budding Manhood

When I was going to junior high, even the weak kids were strong. We all had something to talk about, because the coaches thought that, at the very least, we could be Olympians in our own little pain-induced delirium as we ran our small boyish butts into the history of budding manhood.

Loren M. Lambert © January 18, 2010

State of the Right Back Pocket

My fellow Americans, my right back pocket is no longer tight enough on 501 jeans.  This is because it no longer bears the strain of my under-funded wallet (due to chiropractor’s advice). Although not as tight as it once was, my right back pocket  is sufficiently firm and proportionately spaced; and though wafted occasionally by an ill-favored “wind,” it appears (if your gaze is not too attentive) to bear but a slight sag.

Loren M. Lambert © January 27, 2010

Are You The “Emotional” or “Rational” Choice As a Dating Partner?

When the mind is taxed to its limit, rational decision-making cedes to emotion. So, don't decide who to date while solving an organic chemistry problem. If you feel you are “the most rational choice” as a dating partner, then ask a girl out when her mind’s at ease.  If you are an “emotional favorite,” then ask her out when she’s under the most stress.

Which are you: the emotional or the rational choice? 

Answer this, for extra credit: When should you make this decision?

Loren M. Lambert © January 26, 2010

Islam

I’ve been researching Islam for my screenplay.

There are 1.8 billion Muslims in the world. Many believe in setting up Islamist states wherever possible. Although the stated principles behind them are admirable (compassion, equity, etc.), they think this can be done through Islamic Caliphates, Amirs. We know, due to the imperfections of men, this doesn't work.

A "religious" dictator's knife  is just as sharp and feels the same across your neck as a "secular" one.

So, my question is this: While it's politically correct to say we don't have a war on Islam, the fact remains that some beliefs widely held by Muslims are inimical and disastrous to our way of life.  Maybe it's not a full-fledged war, but it's a battle against tyrannical ideas cloaked with wonderful-sounding platitudes.

One Islamic writer says that Christianity tries to change human nature and that Islam recognizes it for what it is and works with it. Either extreme would seem unwise. Stifling and smothering our basic natures, or giving in to our most base inclinations, presents two roads to hell for both Christians and Muslims. I'd bet it's those who seek balance in either who find heaven.

Loren M. Lambert © January 24, 2010

Club America

We are no longer a community, but Club America, whose elite few walk among the dispossessed with upturned noses and carnivorous Blue-Cross-and-Blue-Shield eyes.

Loren M. Lambert © January 21, 2010

Banning Burkas

The only legitimate reason (in my humble opinion) for France to ban burkas is due to security and safety concerns. Otherwise, they are no better than despotic Iran, which wants to ban even the mere hint of a boob under those ghastly burkas. If desired – absent real security concerns – people should be allowed to wear an iron lung or a bomb blast suit in public .

Loren M. Lambert © January 21, 2010

The Haves and the Have Nots

Aw, the haves, and the have nots–those who have access to healthcare, those who do not, and those who care about those who do not. Metaphorically, an 8.0 earthquake goes off at random homes across America, everyday. Do they deserve your concern?

Loren M. Lambert © January 20, 2010

The Cost of Sweatshops

Author of, “Shopping for Sweat: The Human Cost...,” Ken Silverstein went undercover to investigate overseas sweatshops. He reported that Cambodian factory workers make $750/year and generate about $195,000 for their bosses. Upon learning this, one AIG CEO exclaimed, "Screw the stupid American public. I'm using my bonus and bailout money to get a piece of that pie!"

Loren M. Lambert © January 15, 2010

Senator Bob Bennett “Plays” to Conservatives and Democrats

In listening to Senator Bob Bennett talk, I didn’t hear anything with which I disagreed. I just didn’t hear enough substance showing his complete grasp of many issues. He played to his fiscal conservative base and was not above throwing a few zingers at the Democrats to please his audience. He's a pretty savvy politician. He always impressed me as a little more moderate than Senator Orrin Hatch. It will be interesting to see if he prevails.

Loren M. Lambert © January 14, 2010

Sarah Palin Set To Open Up Commie Mother Nature

Sarah Palin has decreed that when she's the first U.S. female president, she will set up "extinction panels" to employ God's plan of eliminating species that interfere with human monopolization of resources, divert money from oil exploration, and delay monostratification of the animal kingdom. Palin said, “It took arch conservative Nixon to open up commie China, and it will take arch huntress Palin to open up commie Mother Nature.”

Loren M. Lambert © January 12, 2010

Glen Beck Advocates School Improvements

Recently obtained documents reveal that Glen Beck advocates the following:

1) putting tacks on grade school kid's chairs to motivate learning;

2) putting rocks in educators' pants to enhance their teaching skills, and to increase energy levels; and

3) accommodating preventative healthcare by feeding poor kids surplus grade school glue, fortified with sawdust used to clean up vomit from rich kids.

I love this guy. He is truly an original American genius.

Loren M. Lambert © January 11, 2010

Untempered Bitterness and Cynicism

Untempered bitterness and cynicism toward existence is nothing more than self-pity dressed in a suit of high-minded words. Strip it naked and you'll find a bratty, spoiled child crying, “Waa Waa, make me feel better!” It’s not very appealing.

Loren M. Lambert © January 8, 2010

Pooh Crew

On my way home, I pulled up behind one of those cute wrap-around ads on a truck. It read, "Pooh Crew – Our business starts when your dog's business ends!"

I love this country. We see a need and we feel it (I mean, fill it – or poop scoop it)! I'll bet socialist/communist countries don't have a pooh crew with a cute wrap-around ad on their trucks.

Loren M. Lambert © January 7, 2010