Killer Website For My Single Friends

I found a killer website for my single friends. Here's the ad:

Why polish turds when you can get one that’s already been polished?

Matches 4 Misfits

          Are you single, or do you want to be? Did you find yourself feeling sorry for the misfit toys in Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer? Do you like romantic projects? Did you enjoy blind sympathy, and charity dates? Do you often watch CNN and Fox News programming regarding prisons, felons, and cons, and get all goo-goo eyed? Do you find yourself strangely attracted to tattooed inmates? Do you constantly watch Breaking Bad? Do you not only like watching horror films, but also living them? Did you vote for Anthony D. Weiner?

          If any of these apply to you, then our web dating service may be perfect for you! Visit: matches4misfits.com. Date one, or date all four!

          Why polish turds when you can get one that’s already been polished? Our potential mates, thoroughly screened by us at Matches 4 Misfits, have been vetted, bedded, wedded, and re-treaded at least once, if not multiple times! You can’t lose! Join now, at matches4misfits.com.

          (SWB and ASS endorse this web service.)

Loren M. Lambert © October 31, 2013

In-Law’s Funeral Turns Into Nightmare Before Halloween

A sister-in-law experienced the day we all dread (when we have parents we love). It happened sooner than expected when her mother died of a heart attack at a fairly young age. Her mother was a very out-going dynamo, community-oriented, talented woman. When it happened, my brother and sister-in-law were driving through Boise (where the mom lives) on their way to the LDS General Conference in Salt Lake City. Fortuitous?

After this great woman’s funeral, an aging gentleman left the funeral, got into his car, became confused, and ran over a bunch of people, causing serious consequences: two people in critical condition; four to five people with non-life-threatening, but life-altering injuries; and several more people (who luckily escaped!) with minor injuries.

This is a good example of why we should encourage elderly parents who show signs of declining driving skills, dementia, or syncopal episodes to give up the keys. Many states allow anonymous reporting and then they summon the elderly person go in for check ups. If you're one of these elderly people, bow out gracefully. Don't turn all the funerals you're going to attend into a Freudian road-rage incident aimed at the younger funeral attendees.

My heart goes out to all the mourners and the injured.

Loren M. Lambert © October 7, 2013

Purpose Dying

Purpose 1000 steps ahead, 

flung and flying steps into the thread.

Erudite murmurs reckoning a fix, 

Bruised and broken bodies disturb the patriot’s mix.

Vessels bring invitations as a sultry serpent's hiss, 

facilitator and foe with many a soothing betraying kiss.

Tierra Incognito bleeds pink, orange, red to black

A flagon of brazen gold, hoisted born by honest hips, 

offered, savored and sated between these wilting lips.

Loren M. Lambert © October 26, 2013

The Meeting

Taken by the hurt of others directing his own hand to leave a space so expansive and filled with the pain of companion and progeny that it is thought that justice must implode the unfeeling law in to fill that space.

In preparation, I submit my inert essence upon a span below a discerning pile driver until all real estate about these bones had been thoroughly de-stressed.

Then, with an audience before the sanctified, yet oddly eclectic in their countenance, to entertain to just be as the avatar and intone an anthem of endearment.

And it was Artisan.

Loren M. Lambert © October 18, 2013

Brother’s Evolution

Triple-baked harvest cakes, a humble, kind man gets the call.

We move to compel the undeserving given the upper hand, 

by the stroke of cancer in our brawl. 

Brothers as youthful foes, 

find friendship stronger than those others who never fought out their fight. 

A projection portal soon to close, 

and long last this note to my sleep will give well-deserved repose.

Loren M. Lambert © October 13, 2013

Matthew McConaughey Reminds Me

A primed and importuning conscience calls early.
By rote, I pull from the pages sustenance’s goal.
Pretense is whipped away with the scorpion’s sting,
Poison plunging behind the orbital sockets of my soul.
Pupil and penitent, then prostrate before pundit and priest.

Matthew McConaughey reminds me of the mask upon the myth.
Still, the mind seeks a scene with an impossible new twist,
‘Til the mystical movement fights to feel the spirt lift free,
Rebounding on the mortal moorings with well-worn muscle memory.

Loren M. Lambert © October 26, 2013

Undercurrents

Undercurrents buried beneath shadows, carry these dreams.

Sirens shimmer mirages of wistful respite, the delight of her eyes

Omnipresent, yet beyond touchable distances to vex the mind

To harmonize our mix of delightful terror and sensuous blithe. 

I confess that I am so enthralled with this miraculous life.

Loren M. Lambert © October 25, 2013

The Phantom’s Rush

I vonder if de phantom has a day job.

I vonder if he runs to catch de bus.

I vonder if his mask it gets all sweaty.

I vonder if he gets caught up in de rush.

Loren M. Lambert © October 24, 2013

The Republican Party Shreds the Constitution & Uses Extortion To Usurp Judicial Powers to Strike the Affordable Care Act

The U.S. Constitution, the document in which many Republicans wrap themselves to pronounce the infallible sanctity of their political positions and actions, actually runs counter to their political gamesmanship, at this time, and condemns their actions.

Once the legislative branch has promulgated into law, a bill through its representative process as agents for the majority, only the judicial branch wields the granted power to strike such legislation when it conflicts with the U.S. Constitution.

Ignoring this, the Republican party is using extortion to usurp the powers, only ceded to the courts, to strike down the Affordable Care Act – legally passed by the legislature. In essence, what they could not do politically, what they could not do in an election, what they could not do using the constitutional powers given them, what they could not do through the courts, they want to achieve by holding hostage the people they warned us they despise – the electorate, we the people – by threatening to bring down the entire government, unless we cede to their temper tantrum.

While the very wealthy, the misinformed, their cheerleaders at Fox News, and the Lame-Labomb-stream media laugh and take delight in the turmoil that they are causing, the Republicans are oblivious to the pain the government shutdown will cause to so many, because they really have no respect and they have no dignity. They simply want their own way, no matter what the costs. Such a practice is tyranny, no matter what branch of the government tries to take on powers beyond those granted to it in our Constitution.

Hopefully, the good, honest, humble, intelligent, and meek of this country will understand it for what it is and restore the Republican party back into the hands of those who can act responsibly, honorably, and understand that they govern an entire people, a great nation, and not just a motley rabble of insular, bitter, smug, selfish, black-tied country clubbers.

Loren M. Lambert © October 2, 2013

Connoisseur of Gourmet Ripening Methods

I’ve been enjoying the latest in Artisan fruit-ripening techniques: garage-ripened tomatoes. Delicious!  There was no way I was going to let all those green tomatoes (which never had the decency to ripen until it was too late) go to waste. Besides, they’re just like me. I'm a garage-ripened tomato baby – very chic, swanky, and à la mode.

Loren M. Lambert © November 7, 2013

Discrimination is Alive and Well

Fatima Doe (last name not her real name) worked in the pharmacy at Walmart. (As many know, the pharmaceutical field attracts a lot of very educated Middle Easterners. Fatima is a U.S. citizen [from Iran] who holds a master’s degree and is very intelligent, hard-working, and professional.)

A newly appointed supervisor told Fatima and everyone else to never speak in their native language and would not consider job applicants that sounded foreign for any positions that opened.

A customer came in to complain that his address had been entered wrong into the computer. His address had been entered incorrectly by one digit by another employee, and Fatima came to assist him. Although Fatima’s English is very good, the customer noticed her obvious accent.

The customer told her in a loud, angry voice (among other insulting things) that she shouldn’t be working there, taking jobs from Americans, and that she needed to go home and get an education. Her supervisor was standing about four steps away. When the customer left, Fatima asked her supervisor why he did not stand up for her. He pretended not to have heard everything, although the other two employees next to him did.

She told her supervisor that if he did not stand up for her and go talk to the customer, she would go confront him, herself. He refused and told her not to do it. After clocking out, she confronted the customer, anyway, and was fired.

For five months, she sent out resumes and never got a single interview. Her daughter, Taraneh, told her that she couldn’t get any interviews either, until she shortened her name to Tara. Fatima then legally changed her name to Sarah. She even told the judge why she was changing her name. After doing this, she landed 25 interviews within a few of months, and was hired.

We think discrimination doesn't go on because it isn't happening to us. It does, and we need to be aware of it.

Loren M. Lambert © November 4, 2013

And It Was Good – LML Ranch

It was another successful day at the LML Ranch. I slopped and wrangled the livestock, made peace with the hostiles, cracked the books, repaired the fences, enjoyed the moment, cooked and ate some fine vittles, freshened the cotton, created some beauty, and peered into infinity without blinking.

Loren M. Lambert © November 2, 2013

Google Gets Waterboarded and Only Then Do Arch Conservatives Care

Apparently the NSA was able to avoid U.S. constitutional privacy rights and hack into Google’s foreign offices’ servers to obtain information to facilitate its spying mania overreach, because these Google offices and servers are not on U.S. soil. This is the same justification the Bush administration used for torture and rendition: “they” weren’t U.S. citizens and were not on U.S. soil, so they could do whatever the hell they wanted. It’s all a bunch of twisted rationalization.

Loren M. Lambert © November 1, 2013

Think Before You Kill

I attended a pot lunch barbecue party with my Meisner class, outside on a deck. A beautiful little jumping spider moved toward me. It displayed markings with which I was not familiar, and I could see either its eyes flashing or something else. It was fascinating! It moved behind a bowl and I moved the bowl to get a closer look. Down came the thumb of one of the people smashing the beautiful creature.  I felt I’d lost a friend.

Please think before you kill. There is great beauty and wonder out there. Appreciate it before you squash it – if you must squash it.

Loren M. Lambert © October 31, 2013

My Response to What's Worse: Repression or Its Opposite Twin That Cannot Be Named? (I come out in favor of balance – so this is tongue and cheek. Don't be too hard on me, my conservative pals.)

I think sex was originally meant for having children. However, it was nature, God, the force, evolution, my great, great, great, times 10-to-the-100th-power Aunt Gertrude who made it so pleasurable and compelling that we would want to pop those babies out almost as badly as we wanted to eat or breathe.

Gertrude thought that would be a good idea because, you see, after she made pain the worst thing possible that we could ever experience (so as to keep ourselves alive to prevent us from sticking our fingers in light sockets just for fun, or stuffing our heads into cement mixers to see how it feels), she gave us sex, so we would perpetuate our species.  The only problem is that when you have something almost as compelling as wanting to eat or breathe, sex is just a teensy-weensy challenging, at times, to resist – even when our “baby quota” is all tapped out, even when our brains are all full of mush, even when the country we live in is a squalid cesspool and there's not enough food for all the new babies, and sometimes even when there's tons of logical reasons why we shouldn't do the “chatakataharangabota,” and so forth.  Aunt Gertrude had to add, to the pleasure of sex, a sense of amazing peace, contentment, physical well-being, connection, and after-buzz, so that we'd think it was the holy grail, fountain of youth, and mother of all sources of everything great. This is how it is for me (and let me hasten to add that when combined with commitment, loyalty, etc., it’s next to divine)!

In my humble opinion, sex deserves some real balance, and to be taken out to dinner regularly. I admire, praise, champion, vouch for, aspire to, point to, and even worship the stalwart people who manage to confine this amazing force of Aunt Gertrude within the bounds of marriage (or whatever you want to call it). And although I do not condone, and will look askance when I see it, I do not condemn those who, despite their best efforts to do the right thing, find balance a little differently than some of the lucky, hard-working, fortunate, disciplined, and happy couples who find, join, and remain like two front top teeth in the same skull for all life and then forever thereafter (if teeth really do get united in some supernal Aunt Gertruded-up gussie of a place called heaven, nirvana, Valhalla, etc.). Whatever. But I'm telling ya: If there's no sex, there, with someone who likes it with me together as much as I do, I am not freakin’ goin’! Yo!

Okay, I know – I can't have everything, here or there, because then it would not be life, nor life after death. However, if a place is void of sex, it would be that other many-named place we like to tell people to go to.

Loren M. Lambert © October 31, 2013

When Trees/Men Lose Their Leaves/Hair

When trees lose their leaves, they look like humans who loose their hair: forlorn, scary, pitiful, dignified, sickly, and at times – in the right sunset on a hillock – majestically mysterious.  If you're hairless, stand in the right sunset on the hill of your own making.

Loren M. Lambert © October 30, 2013

A Pearl of Great Price

According to LDS Scripture in the Pearl of Great Price, as to the ancient people of Enoch, "[T]he Lord called his people Zion, because they were of one heart and one mind, and dwelt in righteousness; and there was no poor among them." Moses 7:18.

If this was a reality, is it because there were no disabled, mentally ill, addicted, physically sick, and financially devastated people among them? Is it because there were no natural or man-made disasters? I do not think so.

Many LDS think they can achieve paradise without the reality of what it is to be human. Their vision of life and of people can only be found in the recesses of their fertile and imaginative minds.

I would love it if the religious stepped up to the plate and provided a comprehensive, non-discriminatory welfare system for all of earth's children, as occurs fairly well among some of the LDS, and which they extend to a very small percent of non-members. Unfortunately,  it has never happened. It will never happen because even when the "religious" completely controlled things, they either woefully failed at this task, due to human imperfections, or they descended into tyranny.

Instead of bringing comfort and peace to mankind, they brought force, torture, and death. I will even go so far as to tell you that many LDS interpretations of Mormon theology, as being opposed to Social Security or other governmental programs, is completely wrong. They will not find any current leader of the LDS faith (i.e., president, counselors, and apostles) saying such. (Ahh – now a challenge: Go ask the leaders and try to get that support. Good luck.)

Loren M. Lambert © October 30, 2013

NSA – Money Into a Rat Hole

Not only should we not be spying on everyone and their toy poodle, we can't afford to be doing this! Such a waste!

Loren M. Lambert © October 28, 2013

Why I Could Never Get Elected Like Ted Cruise

Ted Cruz said he was just doing what he was elected to do – meaning he was working for the people who paid for his campaign.

While I do think senators and congressional representatives need to represent the folks back home, I more strongly believe that they need to muster enough courage to do what is likely the most good for the greatest amount of people. To me, that takes more courage than thinking that it takes courage to be a thorn in America's side just because a mean-spirited minority wants to inflict pain since they can't have their way.

We are a great nation because of our diversity, not in spite of it. We don’t allow insular groups to hold the rest of us hostage, nor do we require conformity. We find a middle path that unifies us and leads to a better and bigger whole.

Loren M. Lambert © October 23, 2013