Official State Things

OFFICIAL STATE THINGS
BE IT DECLARED, THE SOUTH AMERICAN BOTFLY
AS THE OFFICIAL UTAH STATE PARASITE1

It used to be that an official Utah State "thing"--you know, like the official Utah State Bird, the Seagull--had to be native to Utah (or at least visible from Utah like Dubhe, the State star located in Ursa Major or like the Beehive Cluster, the State astronomical symbol located in the constellation Cancer the Crab). But now if non-native English (instead of the languages native to Utah like Donny and Marie Osmondian, Ute, Navajo or Double Dutch) is passed as Utah's official language, it opens up the door to a myriad of delightful possibilities. No longer will our legislature be bound by the limits of our five-cornered State and such prosaic things like the Blue Spruce, the Sego Lily, Indian rice (the State grass), the cherry, the honeybee, the elk, the Bonneville cutthroat trout, the Allosaurus (the State fossil2), topaz (the State gem), coal, copper, the square dance, the beehive, and the most important of all, the Dutch oven (the State cooking pot).3 To the contrary, colorful and imaginative bills promoting tolerance and social engineering may be cranked out by the dozens and flung around the State Capitol like salt water taffy in a 24th of July parade.

For my State representatives for this next legislative session, here are some recommendations. Since there is already an official State Centennial tartan4 in honor of Utahs' Scottish heritage, we should honor other nationalities and races. To do so we could have an official State parasite--the South American Botfly, an official State mosquito--the Asian Tiger mosquito, an official State disease--the German measles, and an official State weed--the Russian Thistle. Since we honored the Dutch by the official State cooking pot the Dutch oven5, we could honor our Mexican heritage by having an official State dish--the enchilada, and our Chinese heritage by having an official State cookie--the fortune cookie. However, to encourage cultural homogeny and discourage wasteful resource duplication when we eat our Dutch-oven-baked enchiladas, we should declare the fork as our official State utensil. Along with the English-only initiative arresting the alarming spread of Swahili use in our State, this will ensure that we don’t’ wake up some morning and find our schools and restaurants overrun with chopsticks.

To cast an even wider net of contentment here are some further recommendations. For our children, an official State Pokémon character-the cuddly, Exeggcute; an official State greeting--Whass up; and an official State cuss word--Fetching. For our couples, an official State body part--the derriere, and the official State vice--French kissing. For our parents, an official State roadway waste--disposable diapers, and an official car--the Minivan. For our bikers, an official State tattoo--of course, the Beehive. For our partiers, an official State dessert--Green Jell-O; an official State partying place--Wendover (Nevada); and an official State alcoholic beverage--Fosters, Australian for beer. For our attorneys, an official State organ--the spleen; and for our criminals an official State crime--real estate fraud. For our dieters an official State drug--meth-amphetamines, and an official State diet food-vanilla ice cream. And for everyone, an official State birth control method-thick glasses; an official State non-official practice--polygamy; and an official State religion–(just kidding!).

The passage of such bills will engender unity among all Utahns who may feel slighted by the probable passage of legislation making English Utah's official State language. Instead of tackling yawner issues like crime, water resource development and tax reduction, this will allow our legislators to engage in something productive for a change. And the possibilities don't end here. Laws could be passed to protect all of these official State icons of Utahn uniqueness. Killing an Asian tiger mosquito could be a felony (my neighbor swore that contrary to rumor, he was sentenced to one to five, not for harvesting marijuana, but for picking a Sego Lily). Owning a Dutch oven could be mandatory, and we could send to the moth-balled World War II Japanese internment camps in Delta, Utah those that are found guilty of slaughtering the English language. This would in turn create new high-paying legal and law enforcement jobs, which would create a higher tax base, which would finance another round of official State "things" legislation. The opportunities are endless. Support those lawmakers who are striving not only to add color to our State heritage but to ensure cultural integrity. Vote to make English our official State language.

1 What's the difference between an Attorney and a South American Botfly? One is a blood sucking parasite and the other is a species of fly.
2 Senator Orrin Hatch came in second and Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley was a distant third.
3 There is also a State flag, emblem, song, motto and an official railroad museum.
4·A tartan is not a fried potato-based fast-food but a twilled woolen fabric of plaid design used in Scottish
kilts. For those dying to know, the official State tartan pattern is described in UCA 63-13-8.2
5 Who knows if the Dutch oven was named after the Dutch, but it makes sense, one more way to use all that flat marsh land.

Loren M. Lambert
Oct. 10, 2000 ©