If basketball were as exciting as soccer, imagine the possibilities. The hoop could be fifty feet up. The court would be a mile long. A goal keeper flying on a broomstick could keep anything coming close from going in. And best of all–the replays on the jumbo tron!
"Lets see that again. Wow, look how Dirk goes in, launches the ball. Its going up, up, up and now down, down, down. Its coming close. Oh no, four inches of ball hits the rim and sends it off into hyper-space. What a fantastic attempt by the Dirkinator. Amazing. He’s an incredible shooter.
Here’s another angle, notice how Dirk is one jigometer off balance. Then the ball zeros in. A fly on that rim would think it was safe until the last split second, when the ball, zeroing in, crashes against the rim.
Lets show that again, only this time–that’s right, super, sloooooow mo-o-o! Now would be a good time to check on Grandma or do your Kidney dialysis. Otherwise, pay attention. Hone in on every excruciating detail of this fantastic effort by the Dirkmiester. Look at those muscles flex and bulge, watch his cheeks jiggle, then read his pulse on that carotid artery. Count the beads of sweat flying from his hair and onto the ball. There’s the release. This would be a good time to purchase your favorite beverage. Back? Good. Brace yourself. Here comes the impact. Notice the force this bullet shot exerts as it bashes the rim. Man, the reverberations are shaking through the entire backboard and into the stadium.
But that’s not all folks. We have a real treat for you today at the World Cup. Here’s what our infra red and gamma ray camera picked up. See that line? That’s Dirk’s gaze up to the basket. Oh, and yes, he does wear Hanes and have an "I love Mom," tattoo on his jumping muscle. Now, watch the ball as it nears the rim. See that florescent purple aura around the ball? That, my friends, is the life force, the spirit, or the will that only powerful athletes like Dirkster can give. Then, notice on the ball there’s a red palm print from the heat off Dirk’s almost perfect touch. Phenomenal. Look! The life force aura is separating from the ball. It goes through the hoop then merges back into the ball. That, sports fans, is the mark of a true champion. It shows that Dirk wanted it-- but it just wasn’t enough. . . Now back to the game"
Ra, Ra, Zzz--sleepy time.
If soccer was as boring as real basketball, you would shorten the field, enlarge the goal, cover the entire back area surrounding the goal with a taught ball-deflecting net that would immediately propel misses back into play. But this would ruin the game with action filled, lightning fast, multi-strategic and provocative high scoring goal making and thereby eliminate the reason we all go to soccer games–to ponder between goals how to eliminate scoring all together and to thereby have more time to check up on Grandma.
Loren M. Lambert
© June 15, 2006
