Unsettled by all the uncertainty looming on our national horizon with the Iraq war, global warming, the Supreme Court’s right wing verge, and finally Sean Hannity’s comeuppance at the hands of Mayor Anderson, I sought counsel from my old standby, the Thirteenth Apostle, Elder Secret Name. The same guy who has also been the lost Imam, the Fourth Wise Man, the Third Nephite and the Reclining Buddha.
He explained to me that, due to its moral relativism, western civilization is headed over the brink. I asked him if VP Dick Cheney’s use of extraordinary rendition to torture alleged terrorist suspects was an example of this. "No, no, no," Elder Secret Name counseled, "Republicans can do that, especially since they do it in Gods name and in a friendly legal forum."
"Oh, yeah, stupid me," I piped up, thinking I understood. "That’s why you, the Thirteenth Apostle, having spent time in one of those friendly legal forums when you were the Fourth Wise Man, were able to have three wives." He didn’t respond to this, but only smiled slyly.
Emboldened, I asked if I extraordinarily rendered myself into a friendly legal forum like Hilldale or Kuwait, could I pick up a couple of wives? He frowned and reminded me that I was practically a democrat, if not a libertarian, and therefore was not entitled to use extraordinary rendition for this privilege. He then suggested that I be patient, because in heaven even democrats were allowed as many republican wives as they wanted. "Why republican wives?" I asked. "Wasn’t that still against the law like miscegenation once was?"
"No," he chuckled, explaining that democrat women were unwilling, democrat men were scarce, and republican women were tired of all the prissy republican men. Besides, he said, Hilldale was being extraordinarily rendered by Utah Attorney General Mark Shurtleff.
Yeah, what about that, I asked, what did he think of all the pomp and hypocrisy on the evils of polygamy by the descendants of the polygamists? Then he said, borrowing a phrase from VP Cheney, that it was a no-brainer. He explained that some things were not okay some of the time in some places but, as long as you were a God-fearing Republican, those same things were okay some of the time in other places."Oh," I said. "I get it. Things like drinking, speeding, abusing prescription drugs and cheating on your taxes?"
"No, no, no," he admonished, this time getting a little peeved. "Everyone, even Republicans, can share in the blessings of the principles of temperance and paying their taxes, especially if the taxes go to support a capitalistic war, and not a socialistic health care system." Hoping I’d finally gotten it, I asked him if to avoid moral relativism I just needed to become a good Republican. He then smiled serenely, blessed me and disappeared.
Loren Lambert© April 29, 2007
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Cut and Run
The Deseret News Sunday Editorial states that setting a timetable for withdrawal in Iraq is naive and dangerous. It further states that, "the best course is one that quickly helps Iraqis take responsibility for their own security." What is misunderstood by this position is that we have accomplished this mission. The Iraqis have taken responsibility for their own security. They have joined up, en masse, with militias and insurgencies that they think will best accomplish this goal. If we stay, we are going to continue to get horrendously mauled no matter how many troops we send in.
When I was about 10 years old, I found myself in the wrong place at the wrong time, facing a kid twice my size who wanted to pound my head into the ground. Usually my ego is bigger than my ability, but this time I had the wisdom to make the following calculations. First, I knew if I tried to fight, I was not likely to win. Second, I lacked both life insurance and divine heritage, so no one would benefit from my death. Finally, no one was going to be better off if I stayed. So, I must confess, I cut and ran.
The Bush administration says that failure is not an option in Iraq. Fine. But, with the exception of toppling Sadam, failure has been the norm in Iraq–from the massive looting, to the prisoner abuses, to the failure to bring stability. The perception most Iraqis still hold is that it is wrong for us to be there. Unfortunately, since perception is reality, we and our allies in Iraq need to come to grips with the fact that our immense national ego cannot overcome our inability to quell the anger, hate, mistrust and skepticism of the Iraqi people. We may have the guns, but the power of Iraq’s collective angst towers over us the like the school yard bully did over me when I was ten.
We must further realize that we are not the saviors of the Iraqi people, and the Iraqis are not going to be better off with our presence. While failure is not an option, victory as we define it is not probable and nothing is going to change that by unduly delaying our withdrawal. We need to leave the Iraqis to the fate of their own self-determination. It is dangerous to think that we can dictate any outcome by the force of our fire power. It’s time to leave, and the best way to do so, in fairness to our dwindling Iraqi allies, is to let them know ahead of time.
Loren Lambert
© April 29, 2007
When I was about 10 years old, I found myself in the wrong place at the wrong time, facing a kid twice my size who wanted to pound my head into the ground. Usually my ego is bigger than my ability, but this time I had the wisdom to make the following calculations. First, I knew if I tried to fight, I was not likely to win. Second, I lacked both life insurance and divine heritage, so no one would benefit from my death. Finally, no one was going to be better off if I stayed. So, I must confess, I cut and ran.
The Bush administration says that failure is not an option in Iraq. Fine. But, with the exception of toppling Sadam, failure has been the norm in Iraq–from the massive looting, to the prisoner abuses, to the failure to bring stability. The perception most Iraqis still hold is that it is wrong for us to be there. Unfortunately, since perception is reality, we and our allies in Iraq need to come to grips with the fact that our immense national ego cannot overcome our inability to quell the anger, hate, mistrust and skepticism of the Iraqi people. We may have the guns, but the power of Iraq’s collective angst towers over us the like the school yard bully did over me when I was ten.
We must further realize that we are not the saviors of the Iraqi people, and the Iraqis are not going to be better off with our presence. While failure is not an option, victory as we define it is not probable and nothing is going to change that by unduly delaying our withdrawal. We need to leave the Iraqis to the fate of their own self-determination. It is dangerous to think that we can dictate any outcome by the force of our fire power. It’s time to leave, and the best way to do so, in fairness to our dwindling Iraqi allies, is to let them know ahead of time.
Loren Lambert
© April 29, 2007
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