Recently, the U.S. Senate invited the popular Fox program, "Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader," to Washington D.C. to test both past and current cronies of the Bush Administration. Quickly, dispatching President Bush, Ashcroft, Rumsfield and V.P. Cheney as all not quite smart as a fifth grader, they then set their sights on current US Attorney General Michael Mukasey. They were hopeful he'd pass since he had been so gracious during his confirmation hearings.
Before questiong him, they invited a whole classroom of fifth graders and their teacher from a local D.C. elementary and asked them this: If someone tied them down, put a bag over their heads and poured water over them to the point they felt like they were about to drown and die, would they consider it to be torture? All the kids said yes, but the teacher said no.
The teacher explained that if done to a Nun it was torture, but if properly authorized by a secret Bush goon squad and done to her ex-husband, who incidentally was Rush Limbaugh, it would be an act of extreme patriotism, especially if he was forced to admit he was a pill-popping idiot. This was applauded by the Democratic Senators who quickly instructed their Aids to write this down for future action. However, their more subdued Repulican counterparts prevailed upon them to label her as less intelligent than her students and to report her to the "NO-Child-Left-Behind" oversight committee.
They then zeroed in on Mukasey. When asked the same thing about water-boarding, he stated, "...It would be irresponsible for me, as an attorney general to provide an answer...If this were an easy question, I would not be relunctant to offer my views on this subject. But, with respect, I believe it is not an easy question. There are some circumstances where current law would appear clearly to prohibit the use of water-boarding. Other circumtances would present a far closer question." This statement invoked immediate jeers from the Senate Democrats and even caused Senator McCain and some of the legally trained Republicans to cringe with embarrassement. Only Senator Hatch sat beaming proudly and praising, "That's my boy, that's my boy."
Then, to the delight of all the Senators (except-no surprise-Hatch), one of the fifth graders raised his hand. He was then called upon and asked Mukasey how many years of law school and legal training it took him to get his head so tightly screwed up his butt and that if it wasn't, would it be considered torture if all the kids tackled him, striped him naked and forcibly shoved his head so far up his butt that he felt like he was going to drown?
Without batting an eye, Mukasey thoughtfully, pondered this question. Then after what seemed like enough time for President Bush to commit a new mispronounced word to his vocabulary, he chuckled and stated, "...It would be irresponsible for me, as an attorney general to provide an answer...If this were an easy question, I would not be reluctant to offer my views on this subject. But, with respect, I believe it is not an easy question. Nevertheless, as to the first question, unlike many lawyers who need years of schooling to get to this point, I was so well prepared for law school that I arrived with my head up my butt and have dutifully kept it up there all these years. That is how I got to be a Federal Judge. Moreover, while there are some circumstances were current law would appear clearly to prohibit me from having my head up my butt or for you to shove it there, there are other circumstances, such as being a member of the Bush Administration, that would present a far closer question. I might also add, it is the closest my facial cheeks will ever get to a real kiss or two, so don't begrudge an old man his pleasure. In fact you can all just come up here and kiss my a--"
It is reported that Mukasey then flipped everyone off, dropped his pants and mooned the entire Senate floor and all the terrified fifth graders--half of whom immediately confessed that they were terroists and could not stand any more of Mukasey's torture.
Loren Lambert
January 31, 2008
