Vice President Dick Cheney, in response to the Scooter Libby convictions, indicated that he was "disappointed with the jury’s decision." Does VP Dick Cheney know that the jury consisted of 12 members of "we the people?" Does he know that stating he’s "disappointed with the jury" is stating he’s disappointed with the American public? Does he understand that he, the second most senior official of the executive branch of the United States has, in essence, delivered the middle finger salute to all of us? Does he think we’re that naive? Maybe so, but I would urge the American public to stand up and say, "We are disappointed in Vice President Dick Cheney; we are disappointed in the lies, flippancy and arrogance of the Bush administration; we are disappointed that apparently good people have been placed in positions in which they feel the need to rat out CIA operatives, lie about it in criminal investigations, and then fall on their swords. Yes, we the people are disappointed, and that is why we the people were forced to render a verdict against a good man who made a bad decision while working for a bad employer."
Loren M. Lambert
© March 6, 2007
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Thursday, March 1, 2007
Ban Tryouts in Secondary Public School Sports
Here, in the heart of pay-your-own-way, get-off-the-public-dole, be self-sustaining conservatism, why do I have to pay my tax dollars to help train your over-developed Billy or Betty to be a professional athlete? Okay, okay, okay, I admit that I am a bit piqued at some recent set backs in my own childrens’ athletic endeavors (let alone my own, years ago), however, I have always held this belief: allow all– yes, all– kids, so long as they have the desire and commitment to adhere to whatever rules are established for participation, to engage, without tryouts, in competitive team sports, up to the senior high school level.
Why? Because, while at the NFL level, Vince Lombardi was right on the money (emphasis on $) when he said that, "Winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing," in our secondary schools, winning is not everything, nor is it the only thing. What is the only thing? Having the opportunity, regardless of one’s biological or environmental circumstances, to develop one’s full potential--not just intellectually, but physically, emotionally, socially and even spiritually. This goal, as perhaps many athletic greats would agree, can often be advanced through the rigors of competitive team sports.
Now, I realize that the idea of public school athletics being open to all without tryouts will cause many an old-school jock to rip out the last hairs from his balding head, pull several groin muscles, and put on sack cloth and ashes, but it shouldn’t. Tryouts do nothing more than create an unnecessary sense of entitlement, elitism, and exclusion among youthful athletes. Moreover, given that kids are a development in progress, tryouts are little more useful than if they were undertaken at the age of 9 months. Take the oft-quoted Michael Jordan story; he, the greatest basketball player ever, as a sophomore was cut from his high school basketball team. Many coaches will proclaim that Jordan’s story proves that if you have enough talent and persistence, no patently wrong coaching decision will hold you back.
This, however, is not the moral of the Michael Jordan story. It’s lesson is this--even though many think and act as if they are, and sometimes look the part, coaches are not God. Lacking God’s prescience, except when it comes to their own little Johnny or jumping Jane, coaches are ill-suited for divining the potential of our disparately developing kids, who need their instruction more than their judgment. Moreover, picking "winners," and a "winning team," should not even be their mission.
While Michael Jordan, due to his virtuosity and determination, was able to overcome the obstacle of a horrendously bad coaching decision, many who may lack his ability, but who nonetheless have the seeds of greatness, will not. Coaches are given enormous power; they can, and often do, become God-like figures over our children. By their choices, they can take two identically talented kids with similar potential, label one a loser, label the other their go-to-guy or gal, and thereby inevitably ensure that their prophetic labeling becomes a reality. The unfortunate result of such labeling is that it sometimes has no basis in fact, but is the product of bias, nepotism and sheer ignorance. Being better instructors than Gods, coaches should therefore not sit in judgment to pick "winners" and "losers," but should do what we are all paying them to do--to train and instruct all of our kids.
"No," they’ll say, "we can’t do it, there will be an overwhelming crush of scrawny, spastic, underdeveloped, belligerent, hygienically challenged kids diluting our limited capacity!"
First, in the eyes of another, the same might be said about a coach’s own bumptious progeny.
Second, if kids and their parents want an elite athletic experience, let them do as is done in Europe: pay for it in the private sector.
Third, like every other over-taxed teacher who does not have the luxury of cutting the worst English, history, or math students from their classes, you coaches will find a way.
Fourth, it is a myth, perpetuated by the egos of athletes and coaches, that everyone wants to be on the basketball or football team–they don’t–they just like the thought of it, like we all like the thought of getting up early every morning to run a mile or two and watch the sun rise.
Fifth, many wannabe athletes will sadly realize that playing game boy is more riveting than pounding out drills until puking up one’s breakfast of sugar puffs.
Sixth, more parental enthusiasm creates greater political concern about our schools, which in turn garners more mula for public schools, which in turn equates to more mula for coaches, which leads to bigger smiley faces on coaches.
And lastly, after five years of dedicated work, grades 7-11, without ever having faced the agony of a cut, and without ever having been anointed a "winner" by any coach, the Michael Jordans of the pack will have established themselves–some to the great surprise of all, including their fallible coaches. Under this system, the truly good and devoted coaches will find that they won’t have to pick the best, because, before they ever have to cut a single teary-eyed basketball wannabe, the best will materialize before them; whether as well-rounded, disciplined students who have learned the great benefits of team competition, or as great ball players headed to the NBA, WNBA or NFL .
This is as it should be, because winning in athletics in our secondary schools is so far from being "the only thing," that it, as the overarching goal, should be banned from schools as zealously as guns, alcohol, and drugs. We tax-paying parents commend our children into the care of our public schools believing, hoping, and praying that its devoted teachers and coaches will provide them with every opportunity to reach their full potential. While we may not necessarily expect our child to be the next Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, or Albert Einstein, we do expect these professionals, even though they are often under-paid and under-appreciated, to allow all of our children a place at their feet. And while it takes much greater courage, maturity, organization, and intelligence to coach, teach, and train the seemingly less able-bodied and less skilled and to stand up to the win-at-all-costs crowd than to take the path of least resistance and concentrate, and cater to, the supposed child stars and their fawning parents, we know they are up to the challenge (as well as resisting the urge to coach, whenever possible, their own kids).
Loren M. Lambert, March 1, 2007 ©
Why? Because, while at the NFL level, Vince Lombardi was right on the money (emphasis on $) when he said that, "Winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing," in our secondary schools, winning is not everything, nor is it the only thing. What is the only thing? Having the opportunity, regardless of one’s biological or environmental circumstances, to develop one’s full potential--not just intellectually, but physically, emotionally, socially and even spiritually. This goal, as perhaps many athletic greats would agree, can often be advanced through the rigors of competitive team sports.
Now, I realize that the idea of public school athletics being open to all without tryouts will cause many an old-school jock to rip out the last hairs from his balding head, pull several groin muscles, and put on sack cloth and ashes, but it shouldn’t. Tryouts do nothing more than create an unnecessary sense of entitlement, elitism, and exclusion among youthful athletes. Moreover, given that kids are a development in progress, tryouts are little more useful than if they were undertaken at the age of 9 months. Take the oft-quoted Michael Jordan story; he, the greatest basketball player ever, as a sophomore was cut from his high school basketball team. Many coaches will proclaim that Jordan’s story proves that if you have enough talent and persistence, no patently wrong coaching decision will hold you back.
This, however, is not the moral of the Michael Jordan story. It’s lesson is this--even though many think and act as if they are, and sometimes look the part, coaches are not God. Lacking God’s prescience, except when it comes to their own little Johnny or jumping Jane, coaches are ill-suited for divining the potential of our disparately developing kids, who need their instruction more than their judgment. Moreover, picking "winners," and a "winning team," should not even be their mission.
While Michael Jordan, due to his virtuosity and determination, was able to overcome the obstacle of a horrendously bad coaching decision, many who may lack his ability, but who nonetheless have the seeds of greatness, will not. Coaches are given enormous power; they can, and often do, become God-like figures over our children. By their choices, they can take two identically talented kids with similar potential, label one a loser, label the other their go-to-guy or gal, and thereby inevitably ensure that their prophetic labeling becomes a reality. The unfortunate result of such labeling is that it sometimes has no basis in fact, but is the product of bias, nepotism and sheer ignorance. Being better instructors than Gods, coaches should therefore not sit in judgment to pick "winners" and "losers," but should do what we are all paying them to do--to train and instruct all of our kids.
"No," they’ll say, "we can’t do it, there will be an overwhelming crush of scrawny, spastic, underdeveloped, belligerent, hygienically challenged kids diluting our limited capacity!"
First, in the eyes of another, the same might be said about a coach’s own bumptious progeny.
Second, if kids and their parents want an elite athletic experience, let them do as is done in Europe: pay for it in the private sector.
Third, like every other over-taxed teacher who does not have the luxury of cutting the worst English, history, or math students from their classes, you coaches will find a way.
Fourth, it is a myth, perpetuated by the egos of athletes and coaches, that everyone wants to be on the basketball or football team–they don’t–they just like the thought of it, like we all like the thought of getting up early every morning to run a mile or two and watch the sun rise.
Fifth, many wannabe athletes will sadly realize that playing game boy is more riveting than pounding out drills until puking up one’s breakfast of sugar puffs.
Sixth, more parental enthusiasm creates greater political concern about our schools, which in turn garners more mula for public schools, which in turn equates to more mula for coaches, which leads to bigger smiley faces on coaches.
And lastly, after five years of dedicated work, grades 7-11, without ever having faced the agony of a cut, and without ever having been anointed a "winner" by any coach, the Michael Jordans of the pack will have established themselves–some to the great surprise of all, including their fallible coaches. Under this system, the truly good and devoted coaches will find that they won’t have to pick the best, because, before they ever have to cut a single teary-eyed basketball wannabe, the best will materialize before them; whether as well-rounded, disciplined students who have learned the great benefits of team competition, or as great ball players headed to the NBA, WNBA or NFL .
This is as it should be, because winning in athletics in our secondary schools is so far from being "the only thing," that it, as the overarching goal, should be banned from schools as zealously as guns, alcohol, and drugs. We tax-paying parents commend our children into the care of our public schools believing, hoping, and praying that its devoted teachers and coaches will provide them with every opportunity to reach their full potential. While we may not necessarily expect our child to be the next Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, or Albert Einstein, we do expect these professionals, even though they are often under-paid and under-appreciated, to allow all of our children a place at their feet. And while it takes much greater courage, maturity, organization, and intelligence to coach, teach, and train the seemingly less able-bodied and less skilled and to stand up to the win-at-all-costs crowd than to take the path of least resistance and concentrate, and cater to, the supposed child stars and their fawning parents, we know they are up to the challenge (as well as resisting the urge to coach, whenever possible, their own kids).
Loren M. Lambert, March 1, 2007 ©
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Workers Comp Predation
Recently it was reported by the Deseret News that Sen. Mayne is sponsoring a bill to "safeguard settlements" by prohibiting cutthroat financing companies from the "predatory" practice of buying injured workers' disability settlements for lump sums at 30 cents on the dollar. As an example of this pernicious evil, Alan Hennebold of the Utah Labor Commission lamented that recently a disabled truck driver sold his future $200,000 Worker's Comp. settlement for a quick $40,000.
While this bill may be an eensy weensy spider step in the right direction, the question is, how has a market been created in which an injured worker is willing to sell her $200,000 settlement to a predatory financial company? Answer: it has been created by the predatory insurance companies who own the predatory financial companies who buy up legislators, lobbyists, industrial commissions and insurance defense attorneys. They, in turn, work to ensure that, as Hennebold intimated, while "wait[ing] for [her] claims to move through the legal process," the injured worker loses her home, hearth, and health.
Ask any honest broker familiar with the Utah Worker’s Comp. system and they’ll tell you it’s more cloyed up than a poodle on chocolate. The blame lies directly at the feet of our insurance companies, their legislators, and defense attorneys, who all benefit from the injured workers’ desperation. Currently, the Worker’s Comp. system is riddled with myriad systemic and substantive problems that allow the insurance companies to deny, delay, stall, and drag their collective sagging behinds. Why? Because, well, they can. The current laws are so flawed that they not only condone this delay, but encourage it.
Hence, when the worker is told by her doctor that she is terminally ill, or she immediately needs a $40,000 surgery to return to work, or when the mortgage company puts her house into foreclosure, what can she do? She certainly can’t wait for the Industrial Commission to void, nor for the Legislature’s next round of nose-picking progress. She does what she must. Out of a fit of desperation, she takes the $40,000 from the predatory financial company, owned by the predatory insurance company--who in turn takes half of the $160,000 windfall and buys up more legislators, lobbyists, and insurance defense attorneys to cloy up the system even more. Then, the next injured worker, who becomes even more desperate, will sell his $200,000 claim for 20 cents on the dollar.
So, to slim down the beast from a plus size 24 dress to a strapping 20, maybe leaving injured workers alone with their desperation is a step in the right direction. Maybe not. You decide. Just hope you don’t become a member of this maligned minority and need that $40,000 to avert death. If you do, in the near future your only choice may be to rest in peace knowing that, instead of a predatory financial company getting $160,000 of your never realized $200,000, because you died, a predatory insurance industry kept all $200,000 of it.
Loren Lambert
©January 23, 2007
While this bill may be an eensy weensy spider step in the right direction, the question is, how has a market been created in which an injured worker is willing to sell her $200,000 settlement to a predatory financial company? Answer: it has been created by the predatory insurance companies who own the predatory financial companies who buy up legislators, lobbyists, industrial commissions and insurance defense attorneys. They, in turn, work to ensure that, as Hennebold intimated, while "wait[ing] for [her] claims to move through the legal process," the injured worker loses her home, hearth, and health.
Ask any honest broker familiar with the Utah Worker’s Comp. system and they’ll tell you it’s more cloyed up than a poodle on chocolate. The blame lies directly at the feet of our insurance companies, their legislators, and defense attorneys, who all benefit from the injured workers’ desperation. Currently, the Worker’s Comp. system is riddled with myriad systemic and substantive problems that allow the insurance companies to deny, delay, stall, and drag their collective sagging behinds. Why? Because, well, they can. The current laws are so flawed that they not only condone this delay, but encourage it.
Hence, when the worker is told by her doctor that she is terminally ill, or she immediately needs a $40,000 surgery to return to work, or when the mortgage company puts her house into foreclosure, what can she do? She certainly can’t wait for the Industrial Commission to void, nor for the Legislature’s next round of nose-picking progress. She does what she must. Out of a fit of desperation, she takes the $40,000 from the predatory financial company, owned by the predatory insurance company--who in turn takes half of the $160,000 windfall and buys up more legislators, lobbyists, and insurance defense attorneys to cloy up the system even more. Then, the next injured worker, who becomes even more desperate, will sell his $200,000 claim for 20 cents on the dollar.
So, to slim down the beast from a plus size 24 dress to a strapping 20, maybe leaving injured workers alone with their desperation is a step in the right direction. Maybe not. You decide. Just hope you don’t become a member of this maligned minority and need that $40,000 to avert death. If you do, in the near future your only choice may be to rest in peace knowing that, instead of a predatory financial company getting $160,000 of your never realized $200,000, because you died, a predatory insurance industry kept all $200,000 of it.
Loren Lambert
©January 23, 2007
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Justice or Swift Judgment
President Bush, in presenting his plan to try the inmates at Guantanamo pursuant to rules that would have made Herod, the Sanhedrin and Pontius Pilot blush, explained that his goal was to give justice to those who gave no justice to others. This is in keeping with his lengthy history of sound bite blather that never bears any resemblance to the substance behind the spin. If it were otherwise, he would have admitted it was his goal to bring swift and predetermined judgment upon the heads of those that are accused of the same.
Tragically, in his haste to salvage his flagging support, he, along with many of us, have forgotten that the America we should love and idealize, is not the America of swift judgment, of retribution, of preemptive strikes or of the short term gain at the expense of the long term ideal. Nor is it the America that labels another human being a "non-combatant" so that decency can be dispensed with and torture inflicted. It is the America that, no matter how imperfectly we had lived up to its ideals, still strives to adhere to the creed that all mankind is created equal and possesses certain inalienable rights that are not lost because of the whims of an ever increasingly strident, isolated, and out of touch leader.
It is the preservation and perpetuation of this American ideal that should be foremost in our minds and that will, in the long run bring peace more assuredly than any swift trial, conviction and execution of the rabble confined at Guantanamo. Summarily try then kill this small handful of mortals and a thousand more will spring up in their place; rob them of their propaganda by taking the higher ground, and they will fade into oblivion.
Loren M. Lambert
Sept. 14, 2006 ©
Tragically, in his haste to salvage his flagging support, he, along with many of us, have forgotten that the America we should love and idealize, is not the America of swift judgment, of retribution, of preemptive strikes or of the short term gain at the expense of the long term ideal. Nor is it the America that labels another human being a "non-combatant" so that decency can be dispensed with and torture inflicted. It is the America that, no matter how imperfectly we had lived up to its ideals, still strives to adhere to the creed that all mankind is created equal and possesses certain inalienable rights that are not lost because of the whims of an ever increasingly strident, isolated, and out of touch leader.
It is the preservation and perpetuation of this American ideal that should be foremost in our minds and that will, in the long run bring peace more assuredly than any swift trial, conviction and execution of the rabble confined at Guantanamo. Summarily try then kill this small handful of mortals and a thousand more will spring up in their place; rob them of their propaganda by taking the higher ground, and they will fade into oblivion.
Loren M. Lambert
Sept. 14, 2006 ©
Saturday, August 5, 2006
It's All About Sex
Whether you’re anti-porn, pro-porn, or just secretly pro-porn during weak moments and anti-porn in public or when penitent, we all should agree on one thing: sexuality, and its co-conspirator, nudity, are powerfully commanding forces that demand (and certainly get) our attention whether we like it or not. In fact, I daresay, that sex, next to greed, is the driving force behind terrorism. That’s right, not oil, not religion, not nationalism, but sex. Let’s face it, "sex is industry, it sells cars, it sells magazines," as the Switch Foot song goes, and whether we admit it or not, we "can’t get no satisfaction," because if we could, none of this would matter.
The reaction to sex, and it’s co-conspirator nudity, is a wonder to behold among us Homo sapiens. For example, when is the last time you held up the picture of a dog and then your dog start going into heat or humping? Nor do you see teenage female hippos get disgusted when they see the overweight buttocks of a fellow hippo protruding from the waters edge of the local swimming hole. The ability to cause disgust, anger, surprise, wonder, awe and arousal by depiction of the human form is both an amazing and powerful thing. Some would argue that its power should be completely suppressed, others that it should be let loose without limits. Neither approach is right.
Unfortunately, the data cannot prove that pornography causes certain sexual depravities. Consequently, the verdicts still out. What came first? The chicken or the egg? The desire and drive to feed the depravity with pornography or the pornography and then the depravity? On the other hand, if giving into sexual desire led to criminality, most of us would be criminals. All sexual beings have a drive to explore their sexuality. It is innate, it is inborn, you cannot cut it off without damage any more then you can lop off your own arm or gouge out your eye.
Although we are entitled to live our lives as chaste and nonsexual as we choose, we should not become puritanical, prudish, Victorian and self-righteous. King David and King Solomon were among the first pornographers. Although their explanations and focus regarding their many wives and concubines may have been different, their desire was no different than that of our modern-day Flints. Furthermore, I remain unconvinced that the choice of our modern-day Mormon leaders, including Joseph Smith and Brigham Young, to have many wives had nothing to do with sex. This is not to say that if those choices were influenced by sex, they were necessarily evil. When Mormons say that Brigham Young’s decision to have many wives had everything to do with complying with God’s wishes and nothing to do with sensual pleasure, they are deluding themselves and equating sexual pleasure with evil. Using an analogy that even right-wing, gun-toting ideologues will understand, sex is not evil anymore than guns are evil. It is equally wrong both to deny the reality of sexual desire as it is to proclaim that monogamy has and always will be the rule.
There is nothing wrong with the maximization of sexual pleasure, so long as it doesn’t involve force, coercion, minors, the need for welfare, undue risk, physical harm, and disequilibrium. On the other hand, as a society we should not begrudge the desire that many of us have to control when, where, and how we and our children will be sexually aroused and sexually involved. While we should respect the sexual expression of others, we should not have to experience a constant barrage of conduct which either directly or indirectly destroys all ability to choose the boundaries of our sexuality.
Saturation cheapens sex’s currency, gives free rein to those who are prone to overstimulation, and destroys freedom, while creating complete depravity for the weaker among us. Suppression, on the other hand, ignores the force that, when unduly bottled up, will erupt surging in unexpected and uncontrollable manners.
Just as we have learned to give freedom to speech, the practice of religion, and the pursuit of happiness, we need to find a way to provide both freedom and security for those who believe sex can be plowed under by cold showers, jumping jacks, hymn singing, and emotional and physical castrations, as well as those who believe that their sexual pleasure should include everything and anything up to ensuring that their fence posts and knotty pines have been introduced to their sexual prowess.
Loren M. Lambert
©August 2006
The reaction to sex, and it’s co-conspirator nudity, is a wonder to behold among us Homo sapiens. For example, when is the last time you held up the picture of a dog and then your dog start going into heat or humping? Nor do you see teenage female hippos get disgusted when they see the overweight buttocks of a fellow hippo protruding from the waters edge of the local swimming hole. The ability to cause disgust, anger, surprise, wonder, awe and arousal by depiction of the human form is both an amazing and powerful thing. Some would argue that its power should be completely suppressed, others that it should be let loose without limits. Neither approach is right.
Unfortunately, the data cannot prove that pornography causes certain sexual depravities. Consequently, the verdicts still out. What came first? The chicken or the egg? The desire and drive to feed the depravity with pornography or the pornography and then the depravity? On the other hand, if giving into sexual desire led to criminality, most of us would be criminals. All sexual beings have a drive to explore their sexuality. It is innate, it is inborn, you cannot cut it off without damage any more then you can lop off your own arm or gouge out your eye.
Although we are entitled to live our lives as chaste and nonsexual as we choose, we should not become puritanical, prudish, Victorian and self-righteous. King David and King Solomon were among the first pornographers. Although their explanations and focus regarding their many wives and concubines may have been different, their desire was no different than that of our modern-day Flints. Furthermore, I remain unconvinced that the choice of our modern-day Mormon leaders, including Joseph Smith and Brigham Young, to have many wives had nothing to do with sex. This is not to say that if those choices were influenced by sex, they were necessarily evil. When Mormons say that Brigham Young’s decision to have many wives had everything to do with complying with God’s wishes and nothing to do with sensual pleasure, they are deluding themselves and equating sexual pleasure with evil. Using an analogy that even right-wing, gun-toting ideologues will understand, sex is not evil anymore than guns are evil. It is equally wrong both to deny the reality of sexual desire as it is to proclaim that monogamy has and always will be the rule.
There is nothing wrong with the maximization of sexual pleasure, so long as it doesn’t involve force, coercion, minors, the need for welfare, undue risk, physical harm, and disequilibrium. On the other hand, as a society we should not begrudge the desire that many of us have to control when, where, and how we and our children will be sexually aroused and sexually involved. While we should respect the sexual expression of others, we should not have to experience a constant barrage of conduct which either directly or indirectly destroys all ability to choose the boundaries of our sexuality.
Saturation cheapens sex’s currency, gives free rein to those who are prone to overstimulation, and destroys freedom, while creating complete depravity for the weaker among us. Suppression, on the other hand, ignores the force that, when unduly bottled up, will erupt surging in unexpected and uncontrollable manners.
Just as we have learned to give freedom to speech, the practice of religion, and the pursuit of happiness, we need to find a way to provide both freedom and security for those who believe sex can be plowed under by cold showers, jumping jacks, hymn singing, and emotional and physical castrations, as well as those who believe that their sexual pleasure should include everything and anything up to ensuring that their fence posts and knotty pines have been introduced to their sexual prowess.
Loren M. Lambert
©August 2006
Thursday, June 15, 2006
World Cup Soccer Sleeper--Ra, Ra, ZZZzz--sleepy time
If basketball were as exciting as soccer, imagine the possibilities. The hoop could be fifty feet up. The court would be a mile long. A goal keeper flying on a broomstick could keep anything coming close from going in. And best of all–the replays on the jumbo tron!
"Lets see that again. Wow, look how Dirk goes in, launches the ball. Its going up, up, up and now down, down, down. Its coming close. Oh no, four inches of ball hits the rim and sends it off into hyper-space. What a fantastic attempt by the Dirkinator. Amazing. He’s an incredible shooter.
Here’s another angle, notice how Dirk is one jigometer off balance. Then the ball zeros in. A fly on that rim would think it was safe until the last split second, when the ball, zeroing in, crashes against the rim.
Lets show that again, only this time–that’s right, super, sloooooow mo-o-o! Now would be a good time to check on Grandma or do your Kidney dialysis. Otherwise, pay attention. Hone in on every excruciating detail of this fantastic effort by the Dirkmiester. Look at those muscles flex and bulge, watch his cheeks jiggle, then read his pulse on that carotid artery. Count the beads of sweat flying from his hair and onto the ball. There’s the release. This would be a good time to purchase your favorite beverage. Back? Good. Brace yourself. Here comes the impact. Notice the force this bullet shot exerts as it bashes the rim. Man, the reverberations are shaking through the entire backboard and into the stadium.
But that’s not all folks. We have a real treat for you today at the World Cup. Here’s what our infra red and gamma ray camera picked up. See that line? That’s Dirk’s gaze up to the basket. Oh, and yes, he does wear Hanes and have an "I love Mom," tattoo on his jumping muscle. Now, watch the ball as it nears the rim. See that florescent purple aura around the ball? That, my friends, is the life force, the spirit, or the will that only powerful athletes like Dirkster can give. Then, notice on the ball there’s a red palm print from the heat off Dirk’s almost perfect touch. Phenomenal. Look! The life force aura is separating from the ball. It goes through the hoop then merges back into the ball. That, sports fans, is the mark of a true champion. It shows that Dirk wanted it-- but it just wasn’t enough. . . Now back to the game"
Ra, Ra, Zzz--sleepy time.
If soccer was as boring as real basketball, you would shorten the field, enlarge the goal, cover the entire back area surrounding the goal with a taught ball-deflecting net that would immediately propel misses back into play. But this would ruin the game with action filled, lightning fast, multi-strategic and provocative high scoring goal making and thereby eliminate the reason we all go to soccer games–to ponder between goals how to eliminate scoring all together and to thereby have more time to check up on Grandma.
Loren M. Lambert
© June 15, 2006
"Lets see that again. Wow, look how Dirk goes in, launches the ball. Its going up, up, up and now down, down, down. Its coming close. Oh no, four inches of ball hits the rim and sends it off into hyper-space. What a fantastic attempt by the Dirkinator. Amazing. He’s an incredible shooter.
Here’s another angle, notice how Dirk is one jigometer off balance. Then the ball zeros in. A fly on that rim would think it was safe until the last split second, when the ball, zeroing in, crashes against the rim.
Lets show that again, only this time–that’s right, super, sloooooow mo-o-o! Now would be a good time to check on Grandma or do your Kidney dialysis. Otherwise, pay attention. Hone in on every excruciating detail of this fantastic effort by the Dirkmiester. Look at those muscles flex and bulge, watch his cheeks jiggle, then read his pulse on that carotid artery. Count the beads of sweat flying from his hair and onto the ball. There’s the release. This would be a good time to purchase your favorite beverage. Back? Good. Brace yourself. Here comes the impact. Notice the force this bullet shot exerts as it bashes the rim. Man, the reverberations are shaking through the entire backboard and into the stadium.
But that’s not all folks. We have a real treat for you today at the World Cup. Here’s what our infra red and gamma ray camera picked up. See that line? That’s Dirk’s gaze up to the basket. Oh, and yes, he does wear Hanes and have an "I love Mom," tattoo on his jumping muscle. Now, watch the ball as it nears the rim. See that florescent purple aura around the ball? That, my friends, is the life force, the spirit, or the will that only powerful athletes like Dirkster can give. Then, notice on the ball there’s a red palm print from the heat off Dirk’s almost perfect touch. Phenomenal. Look! The life force aura is separating from the ball. It goes through the hoop then merges back into the ball. That, sports fans, is the mark of a true champion. It shows that Dirk wanted it-- but it just wasn’t enough. . . Now back to the game"
Ra, Ra, Zzz--sleepy time.
If soccer was as boring as real basketball, you would shorten the field, enlarge the goal, cover the entire back area surrounding the goal with a taught ball-deflecting net that would immediately propel misses back into play. But this would ruin the game with action filled, lightning fast, multi-strategic and provocative high scoring goal making and thereby eliminate the reason we all go to soccer games–to ponder between goals how to eliminate scoring all together and to thereby have more time to check up on Grandma.
Loren M. Lambert
© June 15, 2006
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Trash Team Treat Rosters
I hadn’t seen as many overhanging, bulging bellies at a sporting event since our entire Lamaze class attended the Sumo wrestling world championships in Seattle. Yet there they were, punctuating the field in my twelve-year-old-son’s soccer game. The best player, when he wasn’t gasping for breath, red-faced and bent over (which was about 75% of the time), had a belly that would have caused any decent wage earning obstetrician to immediately induce labor. That is, if the boy had the excuse of pregnancy. But he didn’t. No. He had the excuse that has evolved to be the most important yet pernicious ritual of all little league sports--the team treat roster.
Watching him and several other chunkers bouncing up and down the field almost made me nostalgic for days when not only was there no team treat roster, there was strict water rationing--an invention of the Bataan death march survivors. And who knows, maybe introducing them to waist reducing Marlboros would be, in the long run, just as healthy.
Well, then again, perhaps watching the kids prematurely wearing out their knees sustaining their burgeoning girths is better than watching them die from cancer or pass out from heat stroke like a few did in my day, but do you see my point? The pendulum has swung a bit too far and is sagging, getting heavier daily, and may just snap before it can swing back.
I mean miss a few practices, no big deal. Blow off a couple of games, okay, we’ll let it pass. But forget to bring the treats on your assigned day, and you will be blindfolded before the goal box, and stripped naked with one hundred soccer balls drilled at your defenseless body. All of this with no line of teammates in a groin-protecting stance, providing a small wall of hope. Such public punishments would certainly make soccer more appealing to the masses.
What, then, is the result of our society gone mad with team treat rosters, Sunday school bribes, Dads and Donuts Day, bring a treat to work on Fridays and plug-the-school-budget-with-soda-sells? Hint, it ain’t Twiggy. So, for the love of Pete, as a first step back from the blubbery brink, let’s trash the team treat rosters.
Loren M. Lambert
© May 18, 2006
Watching him and several other chunkers bouncing up and down the field almost made me nostalgic for days when not only was there no team treat roster, there was strict water rationing--an invention of the Bataan death march survivors. And who knows, maybe introducing them to waist reducing Marlboros would be, in the long run, just as healthy.
Well, then again, perhaps watching the kids prematurely wearing out their knees sustaining their burgeoning girths is better than watching them die from cancer or pass out from heat stroke like a few did in my day, but do you see my point? The pendulum has swung a bit too far and is sagging, getting heavier daily, and may just snap before it can swing back.
I mean miss a few practices, no big deal. Blow off a couple of games, okay, we’ll let it pass. But forget to bring the treats on your assigned day, and you will be blindfolded before the goal box, and stripped naked with one hundred soccer balls drilled at your defenseless body. All of this with no line of teammates in a groin-protecting stance, providing a small wall of hope. Such public punishments would certainly make soccer more appealing to the masses.
What, then, is the result of our society gone mad with team treat rosters, Sunday school bribes, Dads and Donuts Day, bring a treat to work on Fridays and plug-the-school-budget-with-soda-sells? Hint, it ain’t Twiggy. So, for the love of Pete, as a first step back from the blubbery brink, let’s trash the team treat rosters.
Loren M. Lambert
© May 18, 2006
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