Orrin Hatch, Would Be Priest of the Flag Worship Cult

Under the influence of a Peyote-spiked humidifier, mixed with an ample helping of Mormon mythology, a prepubescent Orrin Hatch envisioned the U.S. Constitution hanging by a thread. In his delirium, he noticed that the thread was a tattered Red, White and Blue. He saw the country wallowing in debt, drugs and depravity. He further envisioned, to his horror, the Old Glory, a door mat here, a bikini over there, and worst of all, the sodden swaddle of an infant. When he thought it couldn’t get any worse, he then spied hundreds of unkempt citizens burning flags. No, he wailed, not this! Then a voice rang out, "Orrin, save Old Glory and save the country." Waking in a sweat he then knew his destiny was to save the flag and be crowned the Constitution’s unquestioned savior.

Knowing this, you should forgive Orrin for his misguided flag fixation. In his mind, patriotism is not borne of having the most vibrant, free and just democracy in the world but by ensuring, under the threat of prison, that we all revere, worship and display Old Glory in exactly the same manner. To accomplish this he will have himself and others legislatively ordained the High Priests of the Flag Worship Cult. Then, to ensure that no insecure American is ever again offended by some tasteless display of flag abuse, these Priests will instruct us in proper flag worship rituals.

Things could have been different. You see, the prepubescent Orrin woke too soon from his vision and the poor thing never saw it all. With just a little more Peyote in his humidifier, the youthful Orrin would have seen that the alarming rate in flag-burning tendencies in our future citizenry was the result of fascist laws allowing unbridled searches and seizures, unlimited surveillance into our private lives, the elimination of our freedoms of speech and disempowering of "we the people."

Hence, for the love of Pete, we should urge Senator Hatch to get with his buddy Senator Bennett, rev up his old Peyote-spiked humidifier and finish the vision. If he does, he will realize that to ensure proper reverence toward the Old Red, White and Blue, instead of passing laws to force citizens into an outward display of ritual flag worship, he should work to ensure that because of our country’s greatness, a majority of our citizens will, from the bottom of their heartfelt patriotism, voluntarily give Old Glory and maybe even Senator Hatch their due respect.

Loren M. Lambert, January 18, 2003