Under the inquisitor’s knife for using a corked bat, Sammy Sosa screamed for mercy, claiming he had accidentally grabbed the unholy bludgeon which he used for entertainment during pre-game batting practices. Therein lies the epiphany. If it weren't for pre-game batting shows, hotdogs, slick uniforms, and scantily clad fans, baseball would be about as exciting as listening to Alan Greenspan giving a Sunday sermon on whether or not the lectern should be raised or lowered a quarter of an inch. Let’s face it, baseball is filled with hours of butt scratching boredom, punctuated by the occasional flash and romp around the diamond.
We don't want the occasional romp. We don't want to watch fat high salaried "athletes" collapsing after a fifteen second jog. We want to watch athletes hustle, sweat, bleed, emote, score, and score, and score! We want sports that have evolved, innovated, and changed with the times. We want pro-wrestling, football and basketball.
Sadly, like baseball, we don't want hockey or soccer. These two sports, due to beer and brawls and the sheer athleticism of both, are perhaps slightly more redeemable than baseball. And don't even mention Golf, which, like the lottery, is followed because every Joe Schmo thinks he could win. Come on, "The Stingers Trounce the Gazelles Two to One," is not an inspiring headline.
If we, the American Public, wanted sport scores that our Pit Bulls could tally on their front paws, the sports officialdom would shrink the goal areas, lengthen the soccer fields, widen the strike zones and thin the bats. To the contrary, I say--cork the bats, move the pitching mounds back, tackle instead of tag, shorten the soccer fields, and widen the goals–(while also providing psychotherapy for the goal keepers). Then say "Amen" to the excitement of the pre-game-cork-and-Sosa-show.
Loren M. Lambert
© June 17, 2002
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