Defining Tort Reform

Now, with Mr. "Tort Reform" himself ensconced firmly into the Oval Office, over the upcoming years you are going to be hearing the term "tort reform" tossed around like pork rinds at a Bush family reunion. Consequently, the public should know what this term means. For starters, although similar, a "Tort" is not an Olestra-enhanced, fat-free pastry, but, simply put, an act that causes harm.

When "Tort" is paired with "reform," by a Republican, it means the following:
Tort Reform \tórt ri-fórm\ vb. 1: When powerful entities such as corporations, governments and large industries negligently or accidentally cause harm, it’s partially okay 2: When these same powerful entities knowingly or maliciously cause harm, it’s mostly okay 3: When these same powerful entities cause harm to the environment, it’s completely okay 4: Whatever the insurance company, HMO or IRS decides is written by the finger of God or Justice Rehnquist, and cannot be questioned, and 5: Any harm caused by corporations, governments, and large industries to individuals or the environment should be accepted as the result of one’s bad karma or inferior evolution.
syn immunity for millionaires

"Tort reform" by a Democrat means the following:
Tort Reform \tórt ri-fórm\ vb. 1: Every human problem can and should be resolved by passing, at a minimum, a million-word regulation 2: Every million-word regulation must be enforced by a million-manned governmental regulatory agency 3: Every governmental regulatory agency must be filled with Democrats 4: So long as someone in a governmental regulatory agency agrees, whatever the insurance company, HMO or the IRS decides is okay and 5: Any harm caused by corporations, governments and large industries to individuals or the environment should, by a governmental regulatory agency, be analyzed, categorized, computerized, cauterized, mesmerized, homogenized and then quietly archived.
syn bureaucrats know best

Do not fall for either form of "Tort reform;" both spell trouble for the majority of Americans.

Loren M. Lambert
© February 13, 2001