Philadelphia Eagles’ Meeting Transcript Proves Rush Linbaugh is Not a Racist or a Big Fat Idiot

Scott Cohen: "The offense stats have declined. Revenues are down. We need to bring in [inaudible]."

Joe Banner: "Well, we have about 5 million left for player acquisition. [inaudible] If we make the playoffs we'll net over 15 million."

Jeffrey Lurie: "I don’t want the most talented, damn it. I want diversity. I want underachievers. [Pacing noise] I want the interbred. I want the downtrodden. People like you [pause] and me!" [throat clearing]

Andy Reid: "People like you, Jeff? [Farting sound] Weren’t you a pasty uncoordinated nerd?"

Jeffrey Lurie: "Only because I wasn’t given a [bleeping] chance, damn it. [Loud bang, breaking glass] That’s what I want to do, give others a [bleeping] chance. Create opportunities. [Bleep, bleep] it. Give hope."

Andy Reid: "I can’t win games with hope, Jeff."

Jeffrey Lurie: "[Bleep] it. Who’s talking about winning. America was built on hope. I’m building America, Andy, you [bleeping] son of a [bleep]."

Joe Banner: "What about the board?" [Burp]

Jeffrey Lurie: "[Bleep] the board. I went from janitor to millionaire because I was given a chance. What’s your last choice for quarterback?"

[Inaudible, retching, logie hurling noises.]

Jeffrey Lurie: "Yeah, McNabb’s perfect. Call his [bleep bleep] up. Forget the rest. Jim, you can keep your defense but I want a complete overhaul of the offense and special teams. Scott, Brad, I don’t care where you have to go but I want female kickers, native American running-backs, pasty nerd janitor receivers, pigmies for our special teams, Asian centers, ex-con half-backs, Gulf-War-Vet guards, Afghani full-backs, and handicapped linemen."

Andy Reid: "Are you out of you [bleeping] mind. I mean [inaudible]. What the [inaudible]. You’re [inaudible, laughter]."

Jeffrey Lurie: "No, Andy. I'm a visionary--just like Leo. Get with the program or be replaced by the ‘water boy.’ You wait, this giving-a-chance-thing will be league wide in two years."

Joe Banner: "Well I guess we’ll save money on salaries."

Jeffrey Lurie: "Absolutely not. Let’s not be selfish. Max us out."

Brad Childres: "Holy [bleep] you can’t be serious." [Snorting, noise].

Jeffrey Lurie: "Damn right I am. Get to work. [Butt slapping] Oh, and one more thing. We need a player that can give aging, white, bloated wind-bags hope. [Pause] Hmmm. Got it. Joe, see if Rush Linbaugh’s interested in being our backup quarterback or maybe he could augment the cheerleading squad."

Loren M. Lambert
© October 4, 2003