Why Most Utahns Are at Least Democrats or at Worst Liberals

This year our usual, patriotic, celebrate-our-pioneer-heritage and eat-a-lot-of-homemade-ice-cream 24th-of-July celebration was ruined when I pulled the wool off of Utah's wolf pack in sheep's clothing--mainly my entire family and 80% of all Utahans. And there, under that downy, vanilla-candle-scented and bleached fleece was not a pack of republicans but a whole flock of liberal-leaning federal government subsidized sheep.

Think it isn't so? Bravely proceed on my stalwart Utah Republicans and first answer the following no-brainer questions:

Setting aside issues of eminent domain--suppose a person owns a large track of land--is that person obligated to sell it if she does not want to? Of course not. Suppose that because this land owner refuses to sell she thereby makes the price of land every where to go up. Or even worse, land speculators also buy up a bunch more land and further cause the price of land to rise. Should these land owners be forced to sell their privately own real estate or sell it at a reduced price? No!!! Private ownership is a bedrock principle of our capitalist system.

So far so good, you are still a conservative capitalist. Let's continue. Suppose your company owns and controls most of the worlds diamonds. Does your company have a right to control how many of those diamonds are sold on the open market to make sure that your beloved bride's rock is still as valuable, if not more, as it was the day you bought it to wed her? Yes! Of course. Capitalism means the right to sell your property when, where and at the price that you can demand. Right?

As a further example, suppose you are a car salesperson. Your at work and see some sap walk onto your car lot. The minute you lay eyes on him, you know from years of finely tuned experience and sharply honed skill that, without you even telling a single big looper, he will buy one of your automobiles for several thousand dollars more than anyone else. Now even though you wouldn't have sold it to your mother at that price, is it legal, fair, all American, according to Hoyle to do it? Yes, buy low and sell as high as possible. This my dear friend is another bedrock principle of capitalism--maximize profits and minimize losses.

Feeling good about your conservative credentials. Let's move on to the harder questions.

Now suppose a mega virus, that is killing 9 out of 10 humans, is raging, not just in some foreign country among people who don't look or talk like us, but across the world, including America. Then, glory to the mother of ingenuity, a US Pharmaceutical company comes up with an exclusive vaccine and decides to demand as high a price as people are willing to pay or decides to sell it to all member of its corporation at a cut rate price but to all others at an exponentially high "COBRA" rate. Now lets say that you've been priced out of the market and 90% of your family will die? Are you okay with that because it is the conservative, capitalist way of the free market? Feeling a little uncertain?

Next suppose that 50% of the world's grain is slotted to be used to create bio-fuels to meet the world's energy demands but at least 75% of that same grain crop is needed to prevent mass starvations across America. Or suppose that some guy name Joe in his Technicolor dream coat determines there will be 7 years of plenty which will be followed by seven years of famine. In these last two scenarios, would it be consistent with bed rock conservative, capatalistic market principles for the government to intervene and assure that grain stocks be stored to stave off starvation? You think maybe? Getting soft? Cozying up to that swearword "liberal"?

Now suppose that all the big boys of oil get together and decide to either: control the supply to increase price; set a price higher for Americans than, let's say, the Chinese; or worse to not sell a drop of oil for several months to the American consumer. Would this be okay? Would you call upon the government to do something about it? If your answer is yes then you my friend are at the far left of the political spectrum and are at the very least a democrat or worse, a liberal.

So, if you think that cheap gas should be a right guaranteed by our government, why is it such a stretch to ask that same government to insure that as a free and great people we guarantee that adequate health care is within the reach of every American? Don't feel the need or the pain? If you don't, it's not because you are a conservative, it's only because you are among the lucky few that the medical industrial complex has not priced out of the market. The reality is that making health care within the reach of every American is a more realistic goal then perpetuating the myth that we will always have as much inexpensive nonrenewable fossil fuels as we desire. Moreover, just like you may find a higher percentage of believers in God in a fire fight in a fox hole then in more calmer times, in desperate cultural circumstances, you may find more democrats then usual during more circumstances. And these are desperate times. So, Utahans, welcome to the democratic party. You'll like the way you look, I guarantee it.

Loren M. Lambert, Copyright July 31, 2008

A Boy Verging on Manhood

A year ago my first born strutted onto his high school stage to accept his diploma. He made that entry the same way he entered as a newborn--with great exuberance and just a bit of forced bravado to mask the uncertainty he felt venturing out into a new frontier. He then spent a year doing what I never could--living in the dorms on a full ride scholarship--the precursor epitome to the all-American dream; consisting of college classes, hanging with the dorm bros, and earning a little date change in a campus job. Now he is headed out into the world on an LDS mission.

Some have congratulated me for his success. I am perplexed by their comments. "Congratulations," they say while I eat cookies at his farewell. What?--I blink perplexedly. Then they say, "Your son has developed into a fine young man. You should be very proud." I thank them knowing that, except for volunteering half of his chromosomes (yeah, I’m such a hero), I had little to do with his success. Me, I just added water, stirred for a while and whallah!--I whipped off the white cotton swaddling clothes and there stood a whole-wheat, fully yeast risen and fortified golden baked loaf of a boy verging on manhood towering taller than his parents in more ways than his six foot stature.

So where did the time go? Yeah, we men verging on old-fogie-hood say it all the time and have heard it a billion times before it ever slips from our own lips. But it’s so amazing, befuddling and personal we you experience it yourself. Just yesterday my firstborn was a two year old toe-headed toddler who followed me around and gleefully mimicked my every move, including trying to do push ups and bloodying his nose. He ran the block with me at Ft. Lewis, kicked his soccer ball and often bobbed off to sleep in his seat on my mountain bike. Now he calls me old man and takes pains to make sure his hair isn’t combed in the same direction as mine. I look him in they eye and remind him he’s just a punk. And he is, as I am not in my prime, and we both stand at the cross roads, him looking into the future and me holding on to the past.

We took him to the MTC. It’s the antithesis of a military boot camp and instead of the foul-mouthed barking drill sergeants who greet your arrival, there are smiling, silver-haired elderly volunteers whose saintly demeanors and stern directives make you eager not to mess up--not out of fear but respect--and the concern of dashing their boundless faith in you. Soon he was signed in and we were ushered into a chapel. Once in, we were all sobered by a presentation that introduced the uninitiated to mission life. When it was over, the mission president urged us to make our farewell quick and to the point--like ripping off a bandaid--and thereby making it less painful, which suited me.

I am not a person who allows myself to get too close to others. It’s a flaw and defense mechanism I developed early when I thought it was the best way to bear life’s disappointments. It makes the partings less painful and tempers the joy of reunions. It smoothes out the extraordinary and bootstraps the commonplace so that everything is a nice palatable vat of gray. Yet still, with this event that seemed to mark the loss of a more innocent time, as I set adrift the boy verging on manhood, there was a touch of some undefined sorrow deep down in the core of my soul that recognized that a door was closing that would never be open again. I could only be thankful that I had had for a short time the pleasure of his company. As we parted, we hugged and said goodbye. Then he and his college friend left out an opposite exit door with the sign "Missionaries Only" to two years of celibacy and service. But this time there was no hint of diffidence, just the squared shoulders and determined jaw of a confident young man set to do what he knew to be true and good.

Instead, it was us who addled out of the chapel, with a bit of forced bravado to mask the uncertainty we felt in following from afar our son in his new venture beyond hearth and home with the hope that the citizens of Detroit would know what a good person and fine young man they were getting.

So, be safe, do well, as I know you will, and we hope to welcome the man we know you will become back to our home for a brief stay until embarking upon you next venture. Loren M.

Loren M. Lambert July 11, 2008 ©

Wild and Naked, A Sacred Ritual

So that I can introduce this subject in a manner that everyone won’t get all goofy on me and go in the wrong direction, I'm not the only one that has come up with this. This concept was introduced at a Positive Mental Attitude convention by none other than Zig Zigler some years ago in Madison Wisconsin. In attendance among the business crowd on that fateful spring day were many thousands, including gaggles of born again Christians and a whole swath of Mormon Missionaries. I was there smack dab in the middle of them. Zig recommended that at least once a year, with great reverence and complete soberness of mind, when no one else was around, we should execute this sacred ritual.

First, take a paper sack. Cut two holes in it for your eyes. Then go into a room with a full length mirror and close and lock the door. Put the bag over your head, shed your cloths and peer into the mirror. Try to examine your body as if you were a stranger seeing it for the first time. This simple exercise, he said, allowed one to view with detachment one’s physical body without the distortion of his or her inflated or despondent ego so that the mind could see it for what is was--most likely a vessel needing some serious renovation and work (often unrecognized by the male ego) or as looking pretty darn good (often not appreciated by many women).

Here’s my variation of this theme. Every soul, at least once a year, should do this. Do it early in the spring or in the fall when the mosquitoes aren’t too thick. In accordance with your ability, go on a long, difficult back packing trip, hike, bike ride, run or paddle along some wild river, stream or lake. Get sweaty, tired, dirty and hungry. Eat a simple meal and savor it. Engross yourself in your surroundings. Listen to the life pulsing about you.

Then, as the sun is setting, find a nice secluded and quiet spot next to a clear pool of water. Make sure you’re safe and alone or with an appropriate partner. Divorce from your mind the flies and mosquitoes. Locate either a grassy bank or comfortable slab of rock, strip down naked and take a bracing, cold plunge into the water for as long as you can stand it, maybe going in a couple of times. Completely immerse yourself in the water. Welcome the chill. Upon reaching your limit, haul out and sit quietly. Relish the sensation of your body, fill its vitality and strength. Accept its vulnerability and take measure of its needs. Open your heart and soul to the life force and beauty that surrounds you. Breath it in as you do the fresh air.

Then as the warmth returns to your limbs and skin, as this process revives within you the simple pleasure of life, resolve to accomplish whatever message the experience bestows upon you, as I know it will. Stand wild and naked before the universe just as you came into it. Let it reveal to you the things you must know, the things that you have always known but have had stolen from you by too much of everything. Then, and only then, slowly dress, tread lightly and with gentle ease and grace return to civilization.

Loren M. Lambert
July 16, 2008 (C)

Utah, The Colon of the World!

Many naturalists have referred to the Amazon basin as the lungs of the world. If so, what is Utah? Some envision it as the world’s large intestine with the anal canal and rectum in the west desert with its discharge, hopefully, somewhere into Nevada. This exact subliminal message is being sent by the corporations who are secretly funding the giant replica colon at the children’s museum. It’s a very important function. Every organism needs one. So why fight it? Why not embrace this ignoble organ?

Moreover, the world is screaming for it. Hawaii wants to ship its waste to the mainland. The eastern seaboard wants to send it west by train. Europe wants to truck it here via Mexico. So why not fill this need? Don’t bring us your hungry, oppressed and poor. No. Bring us your refuge, sewage and waste. Make the desert bloom with chromatic toxins. Fill the great basin with spent glowing nuclear fuel rods. Turn the Great Salt Lake into a sparkling cesspool of mercury, selenium and flushed pharmaceuticals. Then, to top it all off, crowd all the canyons with multimillion dollar homes for Waste Inc.’s CEOs to give them a perch from which to admire their handiwork, just below the inversion layer. With a little ingenuity, the crossroads of the west could be the cross colons of the world.

Some in Utah don’t understand this potential. They want to muck things up with stuff like "FCOZ," not a Utahanism swearword nor what rude U. of U. football fans say about BYU’s cosmo, but the "Foothill and Canyon Overlay Zone." With it and other misguided, wacky, Save-Our-Canyons, SUWA, Sierra Club, tree-hugging, smell-your-arm-pits granola plans, they want to ensure that Bambi, Tweety and Thumper have forage to eat, a place to lay there terrain hogging heads, and clean water to drink. Don’t they know they can just buy it at Costco?--Geeeezzzz. Makes me want to scream. As my Dad always said, "you can buy a whole lot of fresh, clean, bottled water with the money you get from storing a few spent nuclear fuel rods under you bed. So why fuss trying to keep it potable in the first place!"

Then they want "green belts"--a code word for vermin infested natural habitat corridors along our streams, rivers and lakes. This is a plot to bring West-Nile-Virus-infected mosquitoes, rabid Raccoons and disease ridden ticks right to your child’s bedroom door. Outrageous. No, no, no. That’s what our Supreme Court protected gun rights are for--to kill Bambi before this tick-laden beast ever gets near your child. It’s like Brigham Young never got Rocky Mountain spotted fever and blurted out, "Stop. This is the place. I’m too damn sick to make it to the Hotel California."

And it’s good he was because ancient lake Bonneville carved out one heck of a sweet giant toilet bowl that can hold thousands upon thousand of wealth producing "brown gold" that thereby it wouldn’t be goin’ nowhere and wouldn’t be hurtin’ no one. I mean, what do they want? To make the Wasatch Mountains the "Lungs of the West?" Just silly. That’s what the third world is for. Let Brazil and the Congo protect the forest to flush out our "giant bong" with fresh air and we’ll protect the God given right of those whose ancestors got here first to develop their land in the way they think is best for them. That’s the all American way. Hoorah.

Loren M. Lambert July 15, 2008 ©

PS--To Avoid the New Yorker melt down, please be aware that this is satire.

Why Free Trade Isn't Free & The Hire American Campaign

Senator John McCain supports free trade. Sounds great. I would want it if it where free, but it's not.

In America--wage and environmental laws, that as a "free" nation we have decided are necessary to protect our well being--add to the costs of production. As a consequence, the same sneaker that we manufacture in America that is labor and environmentally friendly costs more than the same sneaker made in China. Why?

Though it may come as a surprise to some, constructing a chimney with an air scrubber or cleaning waste water before it is discharged back into a river costs money. Requiring over time pay and other work benefits further add expense to manufacturing.

Hence, China sells the misery of its people and land to us in the form of a cheaper sneaker. It thereby enriches its oligarchy, not its people. This not only impoverishes the Chinese worker because of the squalid conditions they must work in for low wages, but bankrupts the US worker because of job loss and the pollution that knows no border and needs no passport to go where it is naturally taken.

As a result, the American manufacturing-blue-collar worker, who once had a well paying job must not only lament the loss of his job to his under-paid, Chinese brother, but must breath in China's polluted air sent via the jet stream directly to his back porch where he must idely sit contemplating what to do to reverse this trend.

In his contemplation, instead of learning Chinese, he might resolve, once he gets his welfare check, to buy only American products. That has been all the rage for years--with one small problem. It needs the, "Hire Only American Campaign." You see, while all us American workers are "buying American," the American entrepreneur, to avoid the expense of our environmental laws and high labour costs, is taking his capital over seas.

So, the "Buy Only American Campaign" must be matched by its equivalent the "Hire only American Campaign." Haven't heard of it yet? No you haven't, and you won't. The American worker has been betrayed by the American capitalist. That is why free trade is not free and that is why trade agreements must require that foreign manufacturers comply with our labor and environmental laws before they should be allowed to compete in our great country against those who are willing to keep their capital at home and hire Americans.

And who wants to do this? Senator Obama. You want the best for everyone not just the foreign oligarch and American capitalist?

Vote for Obama.

Loren M. Lambert
July 4, 2008 (c)