Utah, The Colon of the World!

Many naturalists have referred to the Amazon basin as the lungs of the world. If so, what is Utah? Some envision it as the world’s large intestine with the anal canal and rectum in the west desert with its discharge, hopefully, somewhere into Nevada. This exact subliminal message is being sent by the corporations who are secretly funding the giant replica colon at the children’s museum. It’s a very important function. Every organism needs one. So why fight it? Why not embrace this ignoble organ?

Moreover, the world is screaming for it. Hawaii wants to ship its waste to the mainland. The eastern seaboard wants to send it west by train. Europe wants to truck it here via Mexico. So why not fill this need? Don’t bring us your hungry, oppressed and poor. No. Bring us your refuge, sewage and waste. Make the desert bloom with chromatic toxins. Fill the great basin with spent glowing nuclear fuel rods. Turn the Great Salt Lake into a sparkling cesspool of mercury, selenium and flushed pharmaceuticals. Then, to top it all off, crowd all the canyons with multimillion dollar homes for Waste Inc.’s CEOs to give them a perch from which to admire their handiwork, just below the inversion layer. With a little ingenuity, the crossroads of the west could be the cross colons of the world.

Some in Utah don’t understand this potential. They want to muck things up with stuff like "FCOZ," not a Utahanism swearword nor what rude U. of U. football fans say about BYU’s cosmo, but the "Foothill and Canyon Overlay Zone." With it and other misguided, wacky, Save-Our-Canyons, SUWA, Sierra Club, tree-hugging, smell-your-arm-pits granola plans, they want to ensure that Bambi, Tweety and Thumper have forage to eat, a place to lay there terrain hogging heads, and clean water to drink. Don’t they know they can just buy it at Costco?--Geeeezzzz. Makes me want to scream. As my Dad always said, "you can buy a whole lot of fresh, clean, bottled water with the money you get from storing a few spent nuclear fuel rods under you bed. So why fuss trying to keep it potable in the first place!"

Then they want "green belts"--a code word for vermin infested natural habitat corridors along our streams, rivers and lakes. This is a plot to bring West-Nile-Virus-infected mosquitoes, rabid Raccoons and disease ridden ticks right to your child’s bedroom door. Outrageous. No, no, no. That’s what our Supreme Court protected gun rights are for--to kill Bambi before this tick-laden beast ever gets near your child. It’s like Brigham Young never got Rocky Mountain spotted fever and blurted out, "Stop. This is the place. I’m too damn sick to make it to the Hotel California."

And it’s good he was because ancient lake Bonneville carved out one heck of a sweet giant toilet bowl that can hold thousands upon thousand of wealth producing "brown gold" that thereby it wouldn’t be goin’ nowhere and wouldn’t be hurtin’ no one. I mean, what do they want? To make the Wasatch Mountains the "Lungs of the West?" Just silly. That’s what the third world is for. Let Brazil and the Congo protect the forest to flush out our "giant bong" with fresh air and we’ll protect the God given right of those whose ancestors got here first to develop their land in the way they think is best for them. That’s the all American way. Hoorah.

Loren M. Lambert July 15, 2008 ©

PS--To Avoid the New Yorker melt down, please be aware that this is satire.