Fun with Tasers

UHP Colonel Lance Davenport found that Trooper John Gardner’s tasering of Jared Massey was "lawful and reasonable under the circumstances." Indeed, as the UHP investigation of Trooper Gardner lamented, "officers are often forced to make split-second decisions or judgments in circumstances that are tense, uncertain or rapidly evolving."

As an example of this refrain, we need only look at the experiences of Ruby Ridge, Waco, and Kent State. In all of these past events, while the citizens involved were not polly annas, they also were not significant enough risks to society’s well being to necessitate extraordinary measures. To the contrary, it was law enforcement that, upon finding its manhood questioned, created tense, uncertain and rapidly evolving crises which forced it to make split-second decisions and thereby justified its use of deadly force. In all of these cases, while its action may have been "lawful and reasonable under the circumstances," the "circumstances" were created by law enforcement and were as unjustifiable as were the deaths that arose out of them.

Similarly, while Trooper Gardner may very well have had an excuse to taser the hapless Jared Massey, it didn’t have to go that far. When Massey refused to sign the traffic ticket (as he had every right to do), Trooper Gardner should have walked away. But he couldn’t. His masculinity had been called into question. This is what Massey meant when he said that it was Trooper Gardner, "who [was] the professional . . [who] escalated [the] situation to where he had to use [the taser.]

Trooper Gardner escalated the situation by ordering Massey around, knowing Massy would either make his day by doing something stupid or learn a valuable lesson in diplomacy by being unnecessarily delayed in his journey. Either way, Trooper Gardner could go home to mom with a much bigger cod piece. As fate would have it, to the Trooper’s great glee, Massey supposedly groped his own codpiece. He thereby put Trooper Gardner in fear of his life, leaving him no option than to take Massey on "a ride with the teaser," –a much funner experience for the giftor as well as the gifftee than merely seeing each other in court.

So to end the uncertainty in such cases, the UHP should announce that during the holidays, all motorists will be given the option, on the spot, of either signing their tickets and paying a fine or getting a quick taser in the ass. That way, the citizen can then be put back in charge of the "circumstances" and the consequences of his or her choices.

Loren Lambert,
December 4, 2007 ©