Stinky Sneaker Mania

For those of you that missed the local-section front-page article in the Deseret News last week, it appears that Utah’s own, the Tuck family of Tooele, are in the midst of creating a dynasty of stinky sneaker champions.

Now, call me simple-minded, but for the life of me, no matter how much down-right dogged, brain-sapping contemplation I do, I cannot fathom why any respectable Utah family would do this. So, for the love of all we hold dear in this life, would somebody please explain to me why, in the name of my grandmother’s left bunion, would rationale, evolved, in-the-image-of-god, sentient human beings aspire, not just to win, but blow the competition away in the Odor-Eaters Rotten Sneaker Contest?

In the case of Utah’s own aspiring champion of putridity, Lane Tuck, is it the fainting buxom women who will fall at his feet? Or in the case of his sister, last year’s champion, Katherine Tuck, is it the bragging rights that come from excelling in the typically male dominated endeavor of producing crowd clearing foot stench? Is there a college scholarship to earn, or is it just the shear joy of culturing on ones feet ever more virulent and exotic forms of fungus all while relishing the bracing aroma that such horticulture engenders?

And while we’re at it, explain to me why someone would want to eat 57 hotdogs in five minutes, swill alcohol until their brains explode, or for that matter, watch an entire tour of PGA golf or a whole season of Bees baseball?

As to the Rotten Sneaker Contest, I suspect that it originally started when some fed up wife of a stinky footed oaf (probably an Odor Eater’s CEO) decided that instead of trying to get her beast to succumb to good hygiene, she would just encourage him to augment his stench in hopes he would rot himself to death from the feet up. Anyway, to assist further studies into curious types of human achievement, I recommend that Head and Shoulders sponsor a "Healthiest Head of Lice" contest, Mennen’s Deodorant sponsor a smelly armpit challenge and that the maker’s of Preparation H, sponsor a "Stinky--," anyway, you get the picture. And my last question is, any volunteers for judges?

Loren M. Lambert
© March 19, 2008