Then, Out Spake Brave Horatius

Then out spake brave Horatius,

The Captain of the Gate:

"To every man upon this earth

Death cometh soon or late.

And how can man die better

Than facing fearful odds,

For the ashes of his fathers,

And the temples of his gods?"

Loren M. Lambert © August 10, 2013

Pear and Peaches – Making the Neighborhood Safe for Speeding

I'm coming on the last of the pears. I used to be not such a big fan of pears, but they do have this ephemeral moment of perfect ripeness: beautiful, light green to yellow skin with a bit of blush, and crisp, sweet, juicy, white flesh that gives this subtle refreshing flavor. The time to enjoy this perfection spans probably 46:12:32 hours – depending on when they are picked and where they are stored.

That, notwithstanding, the best is to come: Peaches! I am going to be eating, drinking, and wearing peaches. In fact, I ate the first one off my tree, today. They're coming early this year.

I love peaches! I turn them into nectar, juice, messes, and sometimes, I smear them on my chest, face, and head, then I put on burlap trousers and run like a maniac through the neighborhood, babbling incoherently. This makes the neighborhood safe for speeding, because everyone keeps their kids locked inside for a couple of months. You can't do that with pears – they don't stick.

I love peaches!

Loren M. Lambert © September 8, 2013

Hess and Hale Bringing Us Austenland – To The Titillating Edge And Back Again

I got to see Austenland – a movie about a desperate non-wife who gambles her life's savings on an expensive vacation to a Jane Austen-themed manor (in England) for some LARPing. It was fairly predictable, but clever, witty, and loaded with enough sexual innuendo to titillate the mostly female LDS audience without sending them prematurely running for the doors and then home for a cold shower. And, why not? Not only were the tickets worth the price, but the movie seemed to promise a whole night of romantically torrid dreams, requiring no need for any confession to the bishop in the morning.

Loren M. Lambert © September 7, 2013

Shoulder Harness Spine Unloading Dances for Seniors

Entrepreneurs of America, listen to this: After being put in a shoulder sling (extending from the physical therapist’s ceiling) to unload my spine, I felt a longing to do the hula, watusie, and imaginary bump with my butt on an exercise ball for therapy for my jammed-up sciatica, but I couldn’t help think, “This is the wave of the future – my future: senior rock dances, shoulder slings to unload the spine, a little mirror ball, dark lights, some garish red lipstick on your age-bleached gal, some rock & roll, maybe a little Viagra (No! I'll never need it!), little squirt guns with florescent non-toxic liquid, and – viola! – high school romance all over again!”

Of course, then we need someone to untangle the shoulder slings as we whirl around each other – or just let us unwind, sending our dentures, like missiles – into the wall-flower section.

Loren M. Lambert © September 5, 2013

Ally Oman Shows It’s Not All That Allied

It appears that Oman, one of our closest allies, has shut down an English-language newspaper because of what was viewed as a sympathetic article on homosexuals in Oman. I also heard that they are prosecuting the author and paper for offending local sensibilities.
   
Let me go out on a sidebar, here, and make all my Facebook friends, family members, acquaintances, and “frenemies” mad.  While I think reasonable minds can hold a difference of opinion regarding reserving something called “marriage” for heterosexuals, I do not think that reasonable minds can argue that interfering with free speech is appropriate.

Some of you will be tempted to argue that Oman, Utah County, and Provo have a right to protect the morality of their communities by taking this action. This is more empty-headed than arguing Assad should be allowed, under the guise of sovereignty, to gas his fellow countrymen to preserve their morality.

The rationale suggests that some people hold a sincere, faith-based belief that homosexuality is criminal behavior. Frankly, some people have a sincere, faith-based belief that killing westerners and mutilating the genitals of their daughters, sisters, and mothers is a moral obligation. Fine. Argue the fine points of your faith-based beliefs in the market place of ideas and see how they stand up to time, reason, and the light of day.

Hmm – come to think of it – I’ll bet many papers in Oman contain all kinds of articles on how killing westerners is justified. Does that make any of you (all of my rational friends) want to go on a murderous rage? No. So, don’t take that rage and use it to jam your ideas down others’ throats by using or suggesting that the weight and rule of law has a place in suffocating free speech – even on morality.

Loren M. Lambert © September 5, 2013

Young Celebrities Go To The Dark Side

First, Miley Cyrus, and now, Zac Efron, both going to the dark side. What's the world coming to? (When it comes right down to it, isn't it really still just all Disney, without the veneer and varnish, anyway?) They're always so cute and wholesome until they outgrow their mouse ears.

Loren M. Lambert © September 4, 2013

Poli-evangelism and Porn – The Marks of Success and Political Pluck

If commercial success is a mark of great wisdom and political pluck, it would be well that we elected one of our most successful pornographers into the White House. It just may be that their contribution to society is as weighty as that of our vitriolic poli-evangelists: Hannity, Rush, Beck, etc.

Loren M. Lambert © September 4, 2013

NPR – Caucasian Radio

I don’t know this for sure, but until recently, haven’t most NPR program radio personalities (i.e., Radio Lab, This American Life, Wiretap, Q, etc.) been all-white males?  Although I personally think I get the most broad view from them than any other programming, am I seeing this as looking like diversity similar to the Republican party?

Loren M. Lambert © September 3, 2013

Boy Rock Bands and Girl Rock Bands

Why don't a majority of guys scream and faint at girl band concerts, as happens with the girls at boy band concerts? The answer screams a lot about male and female sociology and psychology.

Loren M. Lambert © September 1, 2013

Defying Gray Matter Loss – Dementia Here We Come!

Based on commercial ads for Propecia, we know that hair loss is more catastrophic for men, and sometimes women, than gray matter loss.  My understanding of a message from brain researcher, Edward Zamrini, is this: Until we can reinvigorate our aging brains (which steadily, but surely lose gray matter and become debilitated with plaque and tangles) with stems cell plugs taken from those parts of our bodies that we often substitute for our brains anyway (just like we can surgically enhance our head hair from those same regions), research has strongly associated the following actions to stave off the unbecoming living death of Alzheimer's-induced dementia.

To do this, Zamrini urged that we should know about:

1. Genes: Make sure we have the proper genetic heritage. (Yes, a little late to do anything about it, but just stay abreast of the latest time travel and gene insertion research.)

2. Education: Acquire an education and continue to pursue knowledge throughout your entire life. Pursuant to your abilities, avoid overly stressful academia and intellectual pursuits.

3. Employment: Seek out demanding, yet satisfying, employment that engages your spirit. Again, do so pursuant to your abilities. Avoid overly stressful and dangerous employment.

4. Environment: Surround yourself with a rich, healthy, and stimulating environment.

5. Socialization: Embed yourself in rewarding, supportive social networks. (Facebook probably doesn't count.)

6. Nutrition: Eat Well (Unfortunately, studies suggest that this is most important early in life). A Mediterranean diet appears to be best. Your diet should includes nuts, fish, fruit, and vegetables. Avoid over-eating, transfats, and sweets. Empty calories and transfats appear to be deleterious. Also, cheese in moderation may be beneficial.

7. Exercise: Exercise daily for 30-45 minutes up to your capacity, and don't forget that the pharmaceutical companies have yet to come up with an exercise pill and probably won't, so don't sit on your couch waiting for one to be advertised.

8. Spirituality: Discover those elements of a rich spiritual or religious life that bring solace and peace to the mind and body.

9. Sleep: Foster an environment that allows restful and satisfying sleep.

10. Blood Pressure: Monitor your blood pressure and take action when necessary to keep it at a healthy level.

11. Politics: Be politically active to promote a cleaner environment.

Loren M. Lambert © August 18, 2013

Percentages For and Against Military Action in Syria

I need to go on the record saying that I am 33 percent against military action in Syria and I am 30 percent in favor of it. The 29 percent undecided and 8 percent against military action in Syria are the many talk show hosts who feel better about going to war as long as the man beating the war drums is a white conservative.

Loren M. Lambert © August 28, 2013 

Martin Luther King and Joni Mitchell

I’ve been listening to the punditry on Martin Luther King. Like Jesus, Buddha, and Gandhi, everybody wants to claim him as their own, but only if they can re-craft him in the image of the god of their own imagination.

On NPR’s “Q,” Joni Mitchell (hippie, non-hippie, anti-hippie icon) said that, like lunch, “Free love, a ruse for guys, there is no such thing... Art is a lie that gets you to see the truth.”

Loren M. Lambert © August 28, 2013

You May Stir, but Not Shake, & You May Rape, Imprison, Torture, Mutilate, and Slaughter, but Not Poison

Our interaction with Iraq, Afghanistan, and Syria has schooled me that while a dictator may rape, imprison, torture, mutilate, and slaughter the innocents within his or her borders, he may not poison them. That would not be just bad and frowned upon, that would be really bad and might lead to condemnation by the UN.

It is a dismal commentary that humans, here, have rights, and that these rights are much diminished elsewhere and not our concern.

Loren M. Lambert © August 21, 2013

The Perfect Set of Clothing

I want to buy a set of clothes that restrict me to do anything in them except be a clothing rack. I want these clothes to look really good, no matter what state of health my body is in. I want these clothes to have superfluous strips of cloth dangling off that serve no purpose, and that are uncomfortable, and that I'll have to pay a lot of money to keep clean over their lifetime. 

Oh, yeah. Perfect. A suit.

Loren M. Lambert © August 17, 2013

Passion

Some think it is reason which makes us human and gives us our unique dimensions. It is not. It is our passion.

Reason is the poorer twin to our passion. Reason is often cold, cunning, and calculating. At times, it is the sole standard bearer of the despots and the insensate. When tired, cold, hungry, downtrodden, and oppressed, it is reason that will fail us first.

This is not the case with our passion. It is our passion that ignites our souls.  Passion is not some tawdry emotion to be suppressed and then only unveiled briefly in our romantic tumbles, or unleashed upon our betrayals. No, it is our very core, our essence. It is passion that galvanizes our strength, warms our hearts, reaches for something superior, and prevails over all adversity.

Embrace your passion. Foster its emergence until you stand tall as a vibrant warrior, effulgent and crowned, towering over the frey.

Loren M. Lambert © August 15, 2013

Mayberry and Meisner

I represented a case in Mayberry, Utah (Manti, Utah). It went like I thought it would. The witness failed to show, so the case was dismissed. Why did he not show up?  He was untruthful to the police and didn't want to compound the trouble he caused. It was an assault. The only witness was my client and the alleged victim.

The evidence was shoddy, but the prosecutor would listen. I have no doubt my client is innocent. He's the one that got pounded on. I don't like to win this way because the prosecutor is not confronted with his own misjudgment. He can blame it on the witness and not on his own bad decision and go on feeling smug.

I’m taking a Meisner acting class. It has taken my skills to a wonderful level. It's like being “in the zone.” Acting is magical when done well. It allows us to escape into a mystical world as if it were real, permitting both actor and audience to experience the power of a heartfelt story, whatever that may be. It is cathartic and entertaining, while it connects us to each other and to our humanity.

I have found that acting is as easy as riding a river, charming a snake, having good sex, taming a tornado, or tipping a shark. Some are born naturally with these skills; the rest of us have to work at them. For me, only a couple of these skills came naturally. I've had to work at the others. I think if I had started at age four, I'd have slipped into it without a hitch. But life and alleged maturity tends to beat out of us our capacity to live truthfully in our imaginations.

Loren M. Lambert © August 14, 2013

Yoga Breathing in Water

To sleep (at times when my mind would rather keep me awake), I let my body take over by inhaling slowly for seven seconds, holding for four to five seconds, exhaling slowly for seven seconds, holding empty lungs for four to five seconds, then repeat. Soon, the mind is focused and I drift off.

I tried to breath like this underwater (except, of course, for the inhale). Try it. I know I am interested by the meaningless, but I was puzzled to learn I couldn't seem to get all the air out and hold it before needing to inhale, even though I was taking the same amount of time. It seemed to add an element of greater difficulty and panic.

I know it means something – some automatic subconscious reaction, something to do with the water pressure – but I still thought I should have been able to do just like out of water (except, of course, for the inhale).

Loren M. Lambert © August 13, 2013

Different Religious Core Beliefs

Most religious core beliefs are practically identical. People like to emphasize their small differences and sometimes demonize their competition. While some differences are important (e.g., "We advocate infanticide," or "We think people should become members or be tortured," or "We preach the gospel of slavery"), most are about as important as what color I should paint my toenails.

Loren M. Lambert © August 13, 2013

The Buddhists are Kicking the Muslims

In Sri Lanka and Burma, the Buddhists have engaged in mob violence against the Muslims. On one occasion, the reason was that the Muslims had built a Mosque. Sound familiar?

I long for the day when all creeds can rely solely on the strength of their ideas, ideals, and good works, and not on any weapon of compulsion.

Loren M. Lambert © August 12, 2013

On Manning and Snowden – The Middle Path

Respectfully, the polarized view on either side of the pro or con Manning and Snowden incidents fail to acknowledge that:

1) We need a more clear mechanism of where this type of whistle-blowing has a safe harbor. In a limited range, both Manning and Snowden mentioned some valid, legitimate motives and justifications for their actions.

2) The willy-nilly disclosure of documents that occurred cannot be tolerated and requires prosecution. Any temperance can be granted in the penalty or sentence of such behavior.

If any of you owned a business with numerous offices and agents, you would be livid and insist on legal action if the following occurred: Some manager/supervisor violated the law. To blow the whistle, one of your employees provided (not through a lawsuit, nor through proper authorities) to your competitor, not only the information on the bad behavior, but all of your trade secrets (e.g., R and D, pending patent apps, internal software, customer lists, business plans, recipes, policies, procedures, protocols, etc.).

There are no rational lawmakers and executive leaders that espouse or argue that government business – especially law enforcement, security, and foreign affairs – has no need of secrecy or privilege. A dangerous and lawless world require it.

Loren M. Lambert © August 12, 2013

Spoiled Israel

I listened to Billy Cunningham, the self proclaimed, "Great American." He and others have been especially vocal about welfare benefits creating a market for single women with children. While on one hand, I think they are selective to a fault with their data, I understand their point: If it is monetarily easier to live off uncle Sam and be single and have kids than it is to establish a monogamous stable marriage, people will choose the former. (I don't think human nature is so easily reduced to one motive.)

Billy should understand my point. Israel just announced the planned building of new settlements. While I support Israeli self-determination and continued security, let’s face it: Israel will never have peace, because we have enabled Israel by our generous support. This support is similar to the way conservatives say we have enabled single mothers to adopt the mindset to remain single with kids. Why make the sacrifices for a peaceful resolution when we just continue to bankroll their irresponsibility?

So, you have heard it from me, Loren Lambert: a pretty good human being, who happens to also be a great American.

Loren M. Lambert © August 11, 2013

Greek Orthodox Priests on Strike

I tried to take the law interns from the Ukraine to the church they attend (Greek Orthodox). At the first church, on Hyland Drive, we found the Priests on strike. (Never heard of such a thing.)

Consequently, we had to go to a Greek Orthodox church downtown. It was a very different experience – like stepping into the past.

Loren M. Lambert © August 11, 2013

Room To Be Wrong

Undisclosed misconceptions cannot be confronted, reformed, nor redirected. Consequently, as long as it is accompanied by meek and humble hearts, vigorous public dialogue is often more valuable than the sometimes stifling silence of politically correct speech.

Loren M. Lambert © August 9, 2013

When Even Staying In Shape Is Controlled

I took the foreign law student interns staying at my home to the Gold's Gym. They were very appreciative. One of them explained that in one of their native countries, there is a gym chain that has a monopoly and is very expensive and therefore exclusive.

We take things like that for granted. Be grateful for the many choices we have. It is not coincidental that they exist.

Loren M. Lambert © August 6, 2013

It's Not Who You Think. Large Institutions Steal More Resources and Harm More People Than Individuals Cause

In a case I'm investigating, I discovered that the Workers’ Compensation Medical Clinic (a large national organization) had submitted typed-written medical notes to the Labor Commission that are inconsistent with the medical provider’s written notes. These written notes were not disclosed. I discovered them through a third party not involved in the Workers’ Compensation case.

More importantly, the typed-written notes are modified in ways that are detrimental to the injured worker.

Here's what many people do not understand and fail to realize about our institutions: Because of their positioning, stature in society, finances and political power, large institutions like this, that engage in this type of behavior, exponentially do more harm, steal more resources, and cause the most havoc than those few individuals that feign injury and disability to secure welfare and other benefits.

In short, while we should not be oblivious to the criminal tendencies of the desperate, we should be more concerned about the excesses and fraud of the powerful who, while basking in luxury, want to drain the lifeblood from the middle class and the poor.

Loren M. Lambert © August 5, 2013

Human Rights Abuses Inflicted Upon Those Demonized As “Less Than Human”

I was taught while in the U.S. Army JAG that soldiers who demonize the enemy by referring to them as less than human are more likely to commit human rights abuses. On this subject in Donald Rumsfeld's book he states that, "To scare the monkeys, sometimes you have to kill a few chickens." Explains a lot about what Mr. Rumsfeld thought about other people.

Loren M. Lambert © August 4, 2013

Arming Our Public School Teachers

Apparently, a school district in Arkansas is implementing its plan to train and arm its teachers. Remember, these are the same teachers that ultra-right-wing conservatives believe are incapable of teaching anything but Godless communistic pap to their children.

I am about 80 percent supportive of public school, and we home schooled our first child for several years. I also loved, cherished, and admired many of my own public school teachers (especially Ms. Brown – can’t reveal her real name) who were dedicated, intelligent, hard- working, and perfectly adept at teaching me and others. Moreover, some of the ones who were quirky, flawed, and very human, were some of the best.

Ask yourselves: How many of your public school teachers would you have wanted to be packing heat regardless of any amount of training? How confident are you that the schools are financially and politically equipped to provide training and oversight? What liability issues will thereby arise?

Here’s my answer to the first: I had about 65 different teachers, including coaches, in public school. There were about five or six of those who I would trust packing heat at all times. More importantly, several would have never been able to keep track of a gun, many would have been mortified to have to have one, about nine would have shot themselves or others by accident for various reasons (including using the barrel to scratch their asses and other itchy places), eight would have shot inanimate objects just to be funny or out of spite, seven would have shot into the air/ceiling to get our attention, six would have shot themselves in moments of school-house despair and misery, five would have shot parents at teacher/parent night, four would have shot the principal, three would have shot the PTA president, three would have shot a student or two, one would have shot the entire football team, and another would have shot the entire school band.

So, I ask: Should teachers be armed?

Loren M. Lambert © July 31, 2013

May Your Journey End Well

"Farewell, where ever you fare, ‘til your eyrie receives you at your journey's end.
May the wind under your wings bear you where the sun sails and the moon walks." ~The Hobbit.

“Just as an eye-for-eye and a tooth-for-tooth would render us all blind and toothless, if only the well-healed saintly submitted their names for selection in the polling booth, we would all be led, blind, and ruined, by the saintly bootless.” ~The Lambert.

Loren M. Lambert © July 30, 2013

Politics Matter – You May Hijack My Posts

As you may guess, I'm very interested in politics. This is because it affects every aspect of our lives, for better or for worse. Those who ignore this fact are bound to be blind-sided by them.

I invite you to hijack, reconnoiter, take over, or slam my posts thereon. If you do, I will try to not take offense. I will try to be civil, and I will try to provide a basis for my opinions. I would encourage you to do the same.

Whether your “thing”/desire is posting TMI (too much information), trivia, your latest exploits, personal news, etc., you are always welcome. Please forgive me for being so political.

Loren M. Lambert © July 28, 2013

Always Find a Way to Exercise

Every year, I read hundreds of medical records and I constantly come upon entries like this: "Because she broke her foot, she cannot exercise," "The patient sprained his right shoulder and has been unable to exercise," "Due to the wound on his calf, he has not been exercising," and so on and so forth.

I sometimes hear this: "I was in transit and couldn't work out," "I only have time to go to work, then to rehearsal and can't work out," "I don't have a gym membership, and it's winter so I can't work out," and blah, blah, blah.

Then, I heard this one: "I hate to work out. I don't get that euphoria after working out. I just feel horrible after. I hate it." Upon further inquiry, I learned that this person had no regular workout schedule and had never done it consistently. (I know many women who won't work out because of makeup and hair issues.)

It's all a bunch of nonsense.

I started working out, fanatically, to gain stamina for wrestling.  I also conjured up hopes of becoming Superman (I got close once: I flew over a car and felt like Superman when that same car pulled in front of me. [I also felt horrible]).

After several years (and yes, it may take a few years) of consistent, day-to-day training, learning to moderate my exercise (let's face it: if you run ‘til you puke every time you work out, or let trainers run you into the ground, you will feel horrible), working out is now almost as fulfilling and enjoyable as an engaging movie, a long romantic and intimate chat, great sex, and an enticing meal. (Okay, maybe a chat can rank as high if coupled with a good meal.)

          I have worked out on a plane in my seat (isometrics), in an airport (yoga, sit ups, push ups, hackie sack), in an attic, during breaks offstage while in a play, with a crying baby in my arms (sit ups, wall sits, etc.) on a train, in a stairwell between appointments, while waiting for a jury verdict, with or without a gym membership, and in all kinds of weather. I have worked out with a debilitating illness (could only juggle tennis balls for many months) and with almost every body part injured (not all at the same time). I always have been able to find a way, because it is important to me.

If exercise is important to you, you can find a way. If a body part is unavailable due to some problem, figure out what you can exercise and exercise it. If I was flat on my back and the only thing I could move were my nostrils, then you would find me doing fifty nostril flares everyday. Hell, you might even find me pushing five pound weights with my nostrils.

Rare is the disease, injury, disability, or circumstance that prevents all types of exercise.

And finally, women, I guarantee you that, over the long run, a hard ass and a vigorous body will be more valuable to you and bring you greater esteem then a beautifully made up face and nicely coiffed hair.

Loren M. Lambert © July 27, 2013

Marriage Of My Oldest Son

My firstborn has driven off in his “Just-married” mobile with his new wife. May they create great happiness in their union.

Love you, Connor and Malinda! Be safe!!!

It was a wonderful day! (And, no one commented that, although it was a happy occasion, there was a slight damper and pall over the event because of recent court rulings that some say detracts from marriage. In fact, I'm going to go out on a limb and say I think it had absolutely had no effect, whatsoever.)

Loren M. Lambert © July 26, 2013

The Rules of the Road: Topping Stupid with Greater Stupidity

Here is an accurate, but allegorical depiction of the mentality of some drivers and their reaction to what they perceive as a driving error by another. (Caution: This is crass, but meant to highlight the stupidity of some. What they do is as intelligent as what this person thinks and then does):

"You're kidding? Really? You're going to break wind in my presence? It was accidental? You're old and sick and you apologize? I don't care if you're sorry. That is no excuse. I'll show you! Yeah, you've had it! Watch this! Not only am I going to crap myself in your presence, but I'm going to take it, smear it all over my face, and then clean my hands off on my white shirt. That's right–teach you a lesson!"

This isn't my most elegant nor appealing analogy, and perhaps it’s even a bit sophomoric, but how do we humans go from the point of bending over backwards to be apologetic (in person) when we bump into each other in a room or on the street, but we loose all sense of propriety behind the wheel, and we react to the original perceived misstep in ways that put our and other peoples' lives in greater danger?

Dumb. Very dumb!

Don't do anything stupid, thoughtless, or negligent in my presence, because I can top your stupidity with even greater stupidity. You don't believe me? Go ahead and try me!

Loren M. Lambert © July 25, 2013