I Grow Weeds Now

When I was young, I worked on the river. It was every day in the sun. I loved it.
I had a little adolescent acne, not bad, barely noticeable –
thought the sun was good for it,
and it was, for the most part.
Clear skin, little bit of a burn now and then,
got the girl and came home with the end-of-summer tan.

Now a little older (okay, yeah, maybe much older),
I dream about the river, the memories take me there.
It's almost every night in the sun.
But in the morning,
in the mirror I can see a crop of weeds, there on my skin.

My botanist Doc calls them “actinic keratosis.”
I get a new crop every year.
He gave me herbicide I must apply, two times a day.
It will take several weeks to get down to the roots –
maybe even kill a seed or two sewn down deep by that sun so many years ago.

He thinks it's good for me, and for the most part, it is.
Clear skin after a little burn and some peeling, got the girl and came home with the end-of-working day ham.
But as the sun and river knows, every action has an equal and opposite reaction.
So, I’ll just have to wait for the dreams that come from
applying herbicide as a consequence to my time in the sun.

Loren M. Lambert © November 14, 2013

I Am Thankful For Toasters...

Hog tied, 

yet I am thankful for toasters.

President Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address, 

cold packs, people who buy zoos, and 

people who star in movies about buying zoos, 

and for dragon dictation,

and maybe ever for

sleep.

Loren M. Lambert © November 10, 2013

New Attorney General Reyes Drops His Pants To Show His Two Million Cajones

Utah Attorney General, Sean Reyes, reveals what he's got: Two “big ones” to rent for a million dollars each to the Utah taxpayers, so he can feed a small bevy of foreign lawyers to defend Utah's Defense of Marriage Law. I say, if you really must, buy local, hire local. You will get the same result.

In fact, you could appoint a third grader to write the appeal on a napkin and it will do as well. And, as the recipient of the two million dollars, the third grader will be a better investment. Why? Because the outcome is going to depend on what the current Supreme Court Justices believe about it right at this moment, in their hearts and heads, and they will then find the language to validate that belief, regardless of the ammunition the lawyers give them.

Furthermore, my conservative friends, this is another example of taxpayer money being used against the will of many Utah taxpayers. It's what occurs in a democracy. Remember? (An example of this is healthcare reform.)

Unlike moderates like me, many liberals will claim the State can't do what it wants to do. However, I know it can. I just wish it would do so, inexpensively and locally. I also wish that the conservatives would use charity to take on this fight (just like they want charity to take on the needs of all needing healthcare) and spare the money for something worthwhile – like healthcare.

Why not? Charity is the answer for everything on which conservatives don't want to spend money. Let them show us how it is done on something we don't want them to spend money on.

Loren M. Lambert © December 30, 2013

Explore Places Unguided by Purpose

I learned it too late, but early enough to still find the joy of singing from your heart, not your head. It's what you may not be told by those who teach. However, you need to be told.

In high school, I took private lessons. I was taught important basics, learned the scales and techniques, but unfortunately, none of my teachers told me this: Don't try to control it.

That doesn't mean screaming when you don't have the pipes for it, or straining, nor wreaking havoc on your instrument. However, don't think you have to control your voice with some self-imposed false sense of what it has to sound like.

Set your voice free, and don't be afraid of exploring places unguided by conscious purpose.

Loren M. Lambert © December 28, 2013

When Percentages Are Evil

Currently, there is a big political push to take judicial independence away from Administrative Law Judges (ALJs) in presiding over social security disability decisions.

Before you jump to conclusions, be aware that both sides can appeal an ALJ's decision, but each must prove an abuse of discretion. This allows the judge independence from political, economic, and cultural influences to approve or disprove a claim, but still allows an appeal when it’s clear a judge was out of line.

Also, be aware that due to the complexity of such decisions, for better or for worse, you are going to have statistical differences between judges who are fallible human beings, no matter what you do. To think otherwise is to live in a fantasy. Some will be more conservative, some will be more liberal.

The current argument is mostly based on the percentage of claims approved. What do the raw statistics indicate? Nothing. They bear no information about the merits of the case at all, one way or another. All the attention at the current moment is on those with the highest approval rates. What does it mean? Probably the chips are down, economically, for the country, and nothing else. However, maybe it means that they are too easily bamboozled by a boob's sob story, and that some of the cases they approved (that were “iffy”) should have been denied.  But you can't tell that by statistics. 

What about those with the lowest approval rates? What does that mean? Probably, it means they are honestly more conservative regarding what they think others can do despite their health problems. However, maybe it means that they have little tiny hearts made out of dry ice and that some of the cases they disapproved (that were “iffy”) should have been approved.

Who is right? How do you fix it, if anything needs to be fixed?

While there are plenty of judges with whom I don’t particularly agree, and who, I think, turn down my cases too often, I would never want their independence taken away, because I know it would be worse when unknown, unseen, and uncontrolled political forces were calling the shots.

So, be careful for what you wish. History starts now. You don't want to be the person who is told, "Sorry, I turned you down because my percentages this month were too high."

Loren M. Lambert © December 27, 2013

Surplus Of Doctors (I Want Some?)

I have heard many reports of surplus doctors in Greece being recruited by Germany and other countries.

I don't know how the term "surplus" is being used, but I know that if they are going to Germany or other countries, we should invite them here. However, we won't, because while the American Medical Association wants surplus labor to do their drywall, lay their marble, and build their pools, they don't want competition so those same laborers can afford their care.

Loren M. Lambert © December 26, 2013

"Hope and More"

I just watched the rough cut to the documentary I am producing. I am really excited about it. This is my third production endeavor, and while the first two have not been the successes that I’d hoped, I have improved each time. This will be a “step up.” The next feature I do will be superior.

My participants and crew have put together a wonderful story that will bring the inspiring examples of several heroic people to many and will share the light that burns in an amazing man's heart. A message of hope is coming to a new year!

May we all take renewed devotion to the cause of living well, as depicted in this documentary.

Loren M. Lambert © December 25, 2013

Sometimes We Need To Hear Ignorance Before We Can Confront It

There are times when it is better to know what a man thinks and to allow him the room to say it, not ceding to him the right to be wrong, disagreeable, or ignorant, but the dignity to err and be human.

How can we influence and change, or be influenced and changed, by what is thought, but never voiced?

Have confidence that the truth will prevail against ignorance, so long as both are held up to the light of day. Humanity and tolerance cannot just be demanded from those with whom we disagree, but also must be extended even sometimes to those we deem ignorant.

Only in that spirit can we all grow, together, toward greater wisdom.

Loren M. Lambert © December 23, 2013

Weak Super Hero Fight Scenes

Last night, I watched Man of Steel, which showed pretty weak fight scenes. When Superman and General Zod would throw each other, they would only go through a couple of buildings and manage to stay in the same city: New York.

Boring.

When I was a super hero and threw other super heroes, they didn't just go through a few measly buildings. They would go through a few planets, and sometimes even a star or two.

Once, in my prime, when my brother and I were fighting, I threw him clean through a black hole, causing his ears to ring for two months afterward. He was so mad.

In Man of Steel, General Zod had a weak neck. That's what happens when you neglect your core.

Don't neglect your core. Be a super, Super Hero!

Loren M. Lambert © December 21, 2013

John Swallow – A Testament To Assuring Transparency in Political Funding

There is an unfortunate fiction that the U.S. Court justices have created, due to its justices' too-cozy relationship to big business: the endowment of personhood to corporations.

Corporations are not people. They are artificial creations of society that are actually insulated from laws and influences (by which actual people are bound) in order to benefit commerce. These artificial creations allow exponential wealth to be amassed and concentrated in a manner that, when applied to commerce, can achieve great economic growth. However, when applied to politics, these artificial creations can create millions of corrupt politicians and officials who, to compete with the other corrupt politicians flying up from Capistrano, must curry favor with bad guys so they can get a quid pro quo (i.e., “Fund my campaign and I'll make sure you don't get prosecuted”).

Many of those bad guys give money to more successful, corrupt politicians, who actually do get them out of criminal indictments and thereby want to lead us into the bribery-ridden problems of the Ukraine and other eastern European nations.

Do we want more corrupt politicians and more bad guys continuing to be bad guys?  Then, we can accept the status quo that lets corporations be people.

Do we want fewer corrupt politicians and bad guys? Then, we can elect politicians who will relegate corporations back to their proper place as artificial business entities to which politicians can't cozy up, like some shyster with a bribe.

Loren M. Lambert © December 20, 2013

Get Help – Don't Be a Tragedy!

In the newspaper, I saw that a one-time neighbor of mine – a mother, a wife, a member of our community – was sentenced to prison after a DUI from prescription medications that resulted in the death of an innocent child.

Frankly, I am amazed it does not happen more often. This is because my practice has brought awareness regarding the many who drive while severely fatigued, significantly medicated, and seriously debilitated by health problems.

If you find yourself in this population, know that we love you and want you to be well. Love yourself and others enough to get help, learn to use public transportation, never drive impaired, and be open about your problem. Together, we can find ways to keep you and everyone safe.

As a footnote, there is absolutely no reason why the courts, medical clinics, and other government services cannot implement technology to minimize the need for this population to have to commute.

Loren M. Lambert © December 19, 2013

Can I Keep The Ring?

How often does a man take a shower, irrigate his teeth, wear his best, bust his bank, find some exotic, unique, or significant spot, get down on bended knee, prostrate himself, and in front of his favorite girl, with his hand lofting up some token of love's material manifestation, say, "Will you marry me? And regardless of your answer, please take this $10,000 stone and ring of metal as a gift to resale, keep, or spit on and toss.”

This never happens – unless he doesn’t care about money and you’re just the latest addition to the harem. Usually, you don’t get the ring without the marriage.

However,  in my legal career, I have often witnessed – metaphorically and literally speaking – this seemingly facile question: “Do I get to keep the ring, anyway?”or, “Can I take the ring back?”

If you got the ring, yesterday, the answer is probably no, you don’t get to keep it. If you gave it to her 10 years ago, no, you probably don’t get to ask for it back. Then, depending on the circumstances, there could be different answers or outcomes between these two extremes.

Why is this so? The answer depends upon the couple’s agreement, or what was expected for what was given. This is true in all relationship exchanges. Make sure you know and make sure you indicate.

Men, nor women, give money, sex, time, gifts, affection, power, companionship, dinner, or attention without there being some quid pro quo, whether what is expected is friendship or marriage. So, don’t be stupid or naive. When in doubt, make sure you indicate. This is true whether it’s lunch for advice, marriage for a ring, or an all- expense-paid trip to middle earth for [?]. Yes, it’s a bit inelegant, but asking and indicating is better than taking advantage, being taken advantage of, or being disappointed.

Loren M. Lambert © December 18, 2013

Gym Membership – A Bargain Beyond Compare

I workout at the gym six times a week. My routine is: 1) warmup; 2) weights, or aerobic exercise, or swim, or walk in the pool (as fast as possible); then 3) usually sauna and shower (about 60 percent of the time, it is cold).

I have calculated that the cost of the energy used to shower and sit in the sauna, as well as the wear and tear to the equipment, costs the gym more than my membership.

Where else is there a better bargain, except maybe hiking outdoors and then bathing in the creek?

Join a gym, to save money and save your life!

Loren M. Lambert © December 17, 2013

FLSA – Minimum Wage and Overtime

I have a pretty clear-cut minimum wage and overtime case. Today, opposing counsel took client's deposition and at the end, he announced that we could not win. I love it when opposing counsels so state. I have won many such cases and it makes the victories so much sweeter.

In my career, I have learned that most disputes have their strengths and weaknesses on both sides, and that unpredictable things happen in cases. Rare is the case I can be smug about winning.  I think resolving disputes within reason is usually wise, but I suspect in this one, I will have an opposing counsel and his client very surprised by the results.

I'll let you all know.

Loren M. Lambert © December 17, 2013

The Holy Water

I stand and imagine that the hot water pouring over my body can pull away the pain, draw it out from my skin, coax it from my bones, erase it from my mind, and then wash it all down – from this home, from this place, from this state, where it joins a river of pain from you, from thee, from them, from thine, flowing ever flowing to some deep, impossibly dark, cold bottom to there be buried beneath the detritus of all, to decay its half-life of millenniums upon millenniums.

I wobble from heel to toe, heel to toe, heel to toe, wishing it to be so, as I turn up the heat. I deem the water’s increasing temperature to be all the more penetrating, and ever more so, and ever more so.

And what pain cannot be drained is steamed away up heavenward through air, sky, and ozone to the highest of highs and then to God to be claimed, calmed, and forgiven, and from there to be drained, poured, and rained into the widest of galaxies and darkest of black holes.

For a moment, I do leave it bereft there, outside the wet warmth, waiting to embrace me with its full measure – while holding hands with my dreams.

Loren M. Lambert © December 15, 2013

The Mountain of Man’s Own Folly

How does one stand upon the mountain of his own folly, and there, find the courage to descend, knowing that before he can climb to the heights once again, he must reach the valley far below.

Loren M. Lambert © December 14, 2013

The Whip That Became a Miracle Catalyst of the Obesity Pandemic: The Beginning of the End – Why I Hate Current Cuisine

It probably happened like this: In 1933, Kraft product development whizzes sat  in their food development chamber, scheming:

Kraft R & D Director: "Let's see--Hellmann’s/Best Foods mayonnaise has had absolutely no competitor in the market, since 1905. How do we come up with the miracle to create a cheaper product, and to compete and thereby take over the world mayo market?”

Kraft R & D Scientist: “What do people really love? What do kids, especially, really love? Only one answer: sugar. So, let's whip a bunch of sugar into our mayonnaise.”

Kraft R & D Director: “ Brilliant! What should we call it?”

Kraft R & D Marketer: “Miracle Whip!

This was the beginning of the end. This is why almost every processed food and everything you buy at a restaurant contains a bunch of sugar, and why America is the most obese nation in the world, with the highest rate of diabetes. You owe it all to Miracle Whip.

That is why I knew there was something sinister when I bit into my first Miracle Whip sandwich as a kid. That is why I hate modern cuisine.

I do not like Miracle Whip. I do not want all my food to taste like dessert anymore than I want people to run around naked all the time. There is a time for sugar and there is a time to refrain from sugar. There is a time for nakedness and a time to refrain from nakedness.

We need more nakedness and less sugar in the world – at least in its proper place and in proper proportions.

Loren M. Lambert © December 20, 2013

Uglycles Again (Why I Dislike Dry Winters)

Dear Fashion Angel,

Every winter my cuticles turn to uglycles, no matter what I do. I've tried putting the collar of shame on my wrists so I wouldn't forget to not use my fingers, wrapping them up in authentic, Egyptian mummy linen strips, covering them with wax, placing band-aids on them, sticking them in my mouth at night while sleeping, slathering them in lanolin, and using great-hairy-gray-moose-mucker droppings (also known as Great Blue Heron poop [I don’t really use it on my uglycles, just my happy lips]). 

Nothing seems to work. Should I just move to a temperate climate, or do you have any new things I could try?

Sincerely,
Mister Sore Uglycles.

PS  You will be my guardian fashion angel if you can make my cuticles cute, or at least comely, again.

Loren M. Lambert © December 12, 2013

The Hand Shake Heard Around The All-Male White Clubs

Poor Raul Castro. If he had something we wanted, like oil, even Senator McCain would shake his hand and give him the money to build better and bigger prisons.

Unfortunately, I,  like President Obama, would probably shake any hand that was offered me while I was attending a funeral. It's just how I was taught.

Loren M. Lambert © December 11, 2013

In His Memory (Great Minds In Jails, Implore Us To Free Them)

When humans are oppressed, we all loose. South Africa's 27-year imprisonment of Nelson Mandela was an affront to all.

In his memory, we should work to find, and gain the release from oppression, the great minds around the world who sit in jails of impoverishment, bigotry, ignorance, and concrete and steel. Right now, at this very moment, there are men and women who possess the keys to our better futures, imploring us to free them.

Loren M. Lambert © December 8, 2013

Thanks, Pops!

At around 11400 South, on I-15 going south, I repeated my Dad's car-training ritual: 1000, 2000, 3000-count separation between me and the next vehicle. At 12300 South, I was thinking about my day, thinking about sex and romance, thinking about how cold it is, thinking about all the work I need to do, thinking about how many pins can dance on the head of a swallowtail caterpillar, thinking about sex, thinking about – STOP!!! Gonna hit, gonna hit! Jam harder! Brace! (Skiddddddd!)  Hello, beautiful two-foot gap between my bumper and the no-tail-lights car stopped in front of me!

Thanks, Pops, you saved my life, again!

At around 15600 South, I was thinking about depositions I have next week, thinking about how we'll get by without Nelson Mandela, thinking about dressing up as a naked mole rat, thinking about whether or not life is a reality TV show, thinking about cold fusion, thinking about sex, 1000, 2000, 3000 count. Still safe!

Thanks, Pops!

Loren M. Lambert © December 7, 2013

Nelson Mandela

The greatest among the great – Nelson Mandela – took his curtain call today.

If you want to know one of the few among us who had been the ideal of all our hopes, and lived the life of all those we envision as saintly, courageous, and strong, then study his life. He is one of the brightest stars of our time.

Loren M. Lambert © December 5, 2013

Herb Cowan’s Advice on Flu Shots

"If they give ya a left-hand turn lane, and ya need to turn left, then by gawd git in the left-hand turn lane and get the hell outta the way." said Herb Cowan, large vegetable farmer and my mentor. This was advice he gave me while we were chopping wood and I asked him what he thought of flu shots.

Loren M. Lambert © December 4, 2013

ASS (Ants for Socialist Solidarity) Asked Me to Post This

"If you look at any individual ant and focus on it (not the whole bed of ants), you'd say we look pretty dumb. We don’t have a king or a queen. Instead, we operate a great big ant-making machine.

If you look at the whole colony, we are brilliant. It's called, “emergence,” and it has made us the most successful creatures on earth. Maybe you homosapiens should take a note and stop being so hard on all the stupid people spilling off over on the left and all the other stupid people spilling off over on the right. We also have such individuals who wander around aimlessly, or who keep trying to pick up impossible loads and dropping them."

Loren M. Lambert © December 4, 2013

Every Frown Robs A Kiss (The Law of Material Stress)

If you could subject any human moving part to the testing through which consumer products go to determine the number of beats, grabs, bites, gulps, pushes, pulls, and winks it had, you would find that our materials, like all materials, have a finite number of flexes. Granted, that number is extended by replacement and repairs, but even those mitigations, by the very nature of their own movements, have their lifetime limits.

The trick is to match the movement of your being with the potential of the moments and seasons of your life, so that all is fully realized; and do this neither too soon nor too late. Some are too late, never experiencing their potential when death and disease takes them, due to disuse and disregard. Some of these movements are realized too early, pushing beyond the boundaries of possibility, causing obliteration by folly and excess. The few (maybe the lucky) find their potential, sustain it, and are worn out evenly, like a morning mist dissipating all at once beneath a rising sun.

Some want to die peacefully in their sleep, and some wish to die with enough drama they are assured they won’t die alone. My goal is to last out my days so that all the parts are working, rising, striving together, like that same mist moving up the mountain and then you blink and it is all gone together – neither the heart, the knees, the lungs, the mind, nor the soul having out-lasted or out-mettled the other. I want to dissipate, disappear, melt away, with all the well-worn tissues leaving hand-in-hand in a single bow of grace, just before a single final curtain call.

Until then, the reality is that we really do have only so many dances, so many smiles, so many kisses to give that can only be diminished by the flexes of our number of fist fights, scowls, and curses. Not that an occasional curse is unwarranted, nor unnecessary, but love is fleeting and life truly is short. So, spend it frowning only when absolutely necessary, for with every frown, you rob a kiss you could have given and one you could have received.

On this day, I give you not a fist, but a kiss.

Loren M. Lambert © December 3, 2013

Driving in First Snow Storm is Like Meth from an Addict's Needle

Why does everyone have to drive like meth out of an addict's needle on the first big snow of the season? Is it because they want to make history to be the first to christen chrome and steel with bones and blood?

Loren M. Lambert © December 3, 2013

Pondering Thanksgiving and the Changing World

In Boise, it rained the day before Thanksgiving and I drove home from Boise in the rain.

On December 1, it rained, and it rained again, today. The world is changing. I wonder where we'll be in 20 years? So much convenience. It's hard to cut back. I love traveling so much.

Thanksgiving dinner was one of the best I've had up there, and it shows: I tipped the scales at Gold's Gym, today, at about three pounds over my usual. I'll be back to normal by next week and will take it easier during Christmas. Maybe I’ll concentrate on something other than desirable food – perhaps Alpine skiing, instead.

Loren M. Lambert © December 2, 2013

Knees Caps – Two Dark Sides of the Moon

Sitting under the moon, I did as I often do – especially when I yearn to find the hidden secrets of life, or gain a preview of the future, or just ease my troubled mind:  I mapped (with my finger tips) the bumps, ridges, “mountain ranges,” craters, and debris fields, which are found on my knee caps under my skin. These have been crafted and sculpted by many an impact.

At this same moment, it made me wonder. The moon is interesting and beautiful, in all its cratered glory, with the soft light of the sun. The moon is just like my knee caps – battered by the ages. Maybe, just maybe, I should have them salvaged from my desired cremation, then stuck back-to-back, mounted on a string, and slowly turned with a soft light at one side so they, too, could hang as a work of beauty that lovers could make poems about, and kiss under, or that werewolfs could howl about. Why not? Can't we look forward to a full knee cap and not just a full moon?

Loren M. Lambert © November 25, 2013

Thankful for Creatures Living In Streams, As Well As Homes

I am thankful for streams that carry water in them, and for places where people care about the health of the creatures living in their streams as much as they care about the creatures living in their homes. I am thankful for people who understand that both are connected and it is not one against the other.

Loren M. Lambert © November 25, 2013

My Distorted Bumpy Head

I am grateful that God spared you all a view of my horribly distorted, bumpy head (it feels like Goblin Valley, except that most of the Hoodoos have been toppled by chubby, mouth-breathing Utah Scout Leaders [as actually happened in Goblin Valley, Utah!]) by giving me hair that will last until my head is safely hidden at home in my abject senescence, or smoldering in the grave where it will be the last thing the earth reclaims.

Loren M. Lambert © November 23, 2013

The Princess Phenomenon

I'm not exactly a mainstream guy, nor a backwater dude, nor even a whirlpool maven. I’m more like a “just-out-of-the-main-current” man (unless in a downwater kayak race, then I am right on it!). Some people may think that I always look for the lead-lining in the silver cloud, but something has always struck me as not completely positive about the fixation we have on telling our daughters they're princesses.

Is that a completely positive thing?  I know we need to treat the women in our lives well – but like princesses? Don't princesses ask for John the Baptist's head, become queens who want to ax poor Alice and the Madhatter, and get drinks – like Bloody Mary –  named after them?

I think I have treated my daughter with respect and honor, but not as a princess.  I hope I didn't ruin her because she won't recognize the "prince" when he comes to sweep her off her feet.

Loren M. Lambert © November 21, 2013

Grateful For Modern Engineering

Although I loved handing my dad the wrong wrench and listening to him swear when he'd drop a part into the engine, or pinch a finger while fixing our car in the middle of the winter, I am grateful for modern engineering.  I hope that forward-thinking planning gets us out of the pickle of our extravagance. Let's hear it for the scientists and innovators. Yay!

Loren M. Lambert © November 21, 2013

Not Joining the Union, but No Longer Willing To Be Disregarded

My fellow thespians, actors, and extras: Although I have not sworn off all free projects yet, I have determined that I'm very tired of working on projects in which commitments are not kept and I am not just unappreciated, but I am disregarded. Many directors and producers feel that our time on set is meaningless and we should merely be grateful for being able to just be in their shadow. Some of you, who are my good friends, have acted this way and I hold no ill will toward you. I have always found something positive on every set I've been on, but you really need to take a close look at your commitments. If you realize you can't finish what you started, or can’t comply with promises you made, talk to the people to whom you made promises, explain why you could not keep your commitments, and at the very least, apologize.

To those of you who, like me, enjoy working on a few free projects as a satisfying hobby, I urge you to do what I am going to do from now on, and that is to insist on the following agreement with those who want my participation. We need to let people know they need to be responsible, because if some of them break into the “big time,” they will think they don’t have to change and will continue to break more commitments.

Here's what you should present to them:

“I’m excited to be a part of this project. I know that there is no pay, and I will agree to that. 

However, over the past couple years, I have done a considerable amount of work on many projects for no pay, and these films were never completed. Even worse, I never received any copy from them for my work. On a couple films, I was even promised pay, but was not paid – despite many promises that were given me.

Here is my reality:  I am tired of working on projects that are never finished, and that I never get anything promised from them. I cannot keep working on projects that are not completed and do not provide me anything for my hard work. I have thereby learned I have to make sure that my time is respected.

I have also participated in projects that had the potential for pay or film festival awards.
Based thereon, would you agree to the following:

a. If the project is not completed: 

You will provide me copies of whatever footage is available that I was in.  You will also reimburse me for my work, either by  (1) donating (you or one of your other production members) an amount of time (equal to the time I spend on your set) on one of my projects, or (2) paying me the ultra-low-budget SAG minimum. 

b. If the project is completed: 
          
You will provide me a copy of the finished product. If it makes any profit, or receives any monetary awards, you will pay me an amount proportional to my contribution to the project when compared to others, but in no event, more than the ultra-low-budget SAG minimum.”

Loren M. Lambert © November 20, 2013

Destroying the Opposition – Medical Malpractice

Set aside the merits (I don't want to discuss those) and think about something you may not have considered about the realities of medical malpractice claims. I, unlike many of my colleagues, think that we could initiate some broad-based legal reform that could bring some consistency and predictability, and still require responsibility and accountability into our system.

Jumping in to this arena, I completed a medical malpractice, pre-litigation panel last week. The case concerned an understaffed rest home, a fall, and a subsequent death. It’s really more of a personal injury case than a medical malpractice issue. After the hearing, the opposing party invited us out to chat in the hall. Though I knew it was not to give us a nice hug and hand shake, I thought that this would be a professional, short discussion about the merits of the case and maybe a discussion on a resolution. Instead, the opposing party indicated the many ways he was going to destroy us.

Therein lies one of the problems. In most medical malpractice cases (and I would say, regardless of the merits or fault), the medical care providers pursue a scorched-earth policy. Is it effective? Yeah, arguably at times. But in my humble opinion, usually not. Pursuing such tactics just increases the expenses on both sides, enriches the attorneys, and causes unnecessary entrenchment. I’ll let you know how this one goes – if I am around to tell the tale.

Loren M. Lambert © November 19, 2013

1.3 Billion Heart Beats Later

When I was in fifth grade, I got really, really depressed when Mrs. Adams, my teacher, told us our hearts beat about 70 to 75 beats per minute, 100,000 times in one day, about 35 million times in a year, and about 2.5 billion times in a life. I could come to grips with the 75 beats a minute. After all, I had made it that far. I could also count my pulse (and my heart felt pretty good), but the “2.5 billion times” was beyond what I could wrap my mind around. I couldn't fathom it.

I’d lie awake at night and could feel my heart pumping, wondering if it was tired yet. I thought it was pretty unfair it had to work all the time while I, and the rest of my body, would soon be asleep. I couldn't imagine that it could just go on and on and on without a single potty break, siesta, or recess, and I wondered about how it was going to get through all those 2.5 billion pumps.

Then, Mr. Albertson came to mind. He’d had a heart attack. He was my neighbor and one of the energetic people I knew, then. They took him away in an ambulance and he looked pretty white. I didn't quite understand what it was all about, but it made sense. I would attack, too, if I had to beat all the time. When Mr. Albertson came home, he started going for walks every night, and he walked real slow.  I thought it was so his heart wouldn't get mad and attack him again. It made me wonder when my heart would attack me and why everybody’s heart didn’t attack them.

I don’t know how I slept through it all, but eventually, I reached my teens and twenties. Then, I was worried my heart wouldn't beat correctly, wouldn't let me win, wouldn't let me down easy.  I ran and worked out and swam and kayaked and dated and fell in love and got dumped and did it all over again. It took me a while to learn that, yeah, I could condition it to a point, but it was just going to do what it wanted and I wasn't going to be able to do anything about it. So, the roller coaster went on and on, and it’s been a good ride.

Now, I lay awake at night and I can still feel my heart beating. It doesn't feel any different than it did in fifth grade – at least not in bed – but I’m sure it’s been through at least 1.2 billion beats and it worries me. What if it never stops?  I know there are people out there who would like that problem and I feel for them, but if mine doesn't feel any different than when Ms. Adams told me that it could fill several swimming pools with blood every week, maybe it won’t know when to stop. Maybe when my head is all full of holes so big that a .45 mag bullet slug could pass through it with out hitting a single neuron, or maybe when I can’t tell the difference between a month-old salmon fillet and a woman's breast, my heart will just keep on pumping until I’m nothing more than the sum of all my sore body parts. Or, maybe when I do kill over, and I’m all decked out in my coffin, my heart will just start up, like in some Edgar Allen Poe story, and the embalming fluid will squirt out my eyeballs. (That’s why I want to be cremated.)

I’m up late at night a lot. My heart’s beating. What about yours?

Loren M. Lambert © November 19, 2013

Fish Tacos and Good Auditions

Although dragged kicking and scratching to Ke Restaurant, I am thankful for something today: a fish taco, which was pretty good.  There was also a good audition, today, but auditions are much overrated and undervalued. If only mothers could always be casting directors – at least, then, I'd know the reason I got the heave ho (as I was told) this time.

Loren M. Lambert © November 16, 2013

U.S. Marines and Relief Efforts In The Philippines

Maybe it's because our media doesn't report on other governments’ efforts, but it appears that the U.S. Marines are at the forefront of the relief efforts in the Philippines. I know we're still recovering from the recession, but it's good that our troops can bring hope, relief, and the love of our great nation, instead of having to sew death and destruction.

Loren M. Lambert © November 14, 2013

A Good Day To Give Cantankery Its Comeuppance

What a beautiful day! I'm grateful I was able to spend most of it – from the wee hours until dusk – responding to a most cantankerous and surly opposing counsel's diatribe on the lack of marble embellishments in my office and my inability to reign in the desperate prevarications that spilled fourth from his client's unbridled and beak-like mouth during a recent deposition.

Thankfully, he spewed out sufficient fiber to allow me the privilege of braiding a good and hardy rope thereof to hog tie and metaphorically hang him come judgment day.

Loren M. Lambert © November 8, 2013

When Scrutiny is Called For

In my personal life, I try to assume the best in everyone. I genuinely like this life, my fellowmen/women, and all of the many blessings I have. In my practice, I have to scrutinize every thing, every fact, every statement, every motive, and every move – just like a soldier in battle – otherwise, I'd be worthless to my clients, to myself, to my business, to the system, and to the general public.

Many potential clients determine not to hire me because I ask the difficult questions and tell them how it is.  However, I've learned I don't want the kind of client who wants to be lied to, who wants me to see the way things are perceived, but to ignore or not know how they really are.  With me, you’re not hiring a cheerleader; you're hiring an advocate, a voice of support, and reason in a world of chaos.

I'm not the kind of attorney who will tell you that you have a great case, but then tell you I’m too busy and recommend you “darken the door” of another attorney.

Loren M. Lambert © November 7, 2013