Into the Breach

I wish I could face the train wreck of mortality with its decline and inevitable death with the same insouciance as others, but I can't. I want to kick it in the teeth, gash out its eyes and scream at the top of my diminishing lungs in its ever-listening ears. I want to spite its dismissive smirk.

This is not complaining. I won't complain, except as passing small talk. I will revel in my death song. I will seize my joy. I will be a rebel with the youth of all ages, despite my lack of membership within its flourishing fountain.

This is not pessimism. I won't whine and expect the worst. I will draw upon every ounce of energy, spirit, spit, piss, blood, and sperm from this mortal coil so that all that is left is the mist of a well-spent morning, the wet and smell of the afternoon's monsoon torrents, and waxing colors of a brilliant sunset, all fading to black against the dusk of a well-spent life as a testament to a life lived up to its fullest capacity.

In doing all this, I won't pretend that if the cup of youth were offered up to my hungry lips that I would spurn it in trade for some lofty notion of a golden era still to come – because it won't come. What will come is the choice to face life as a gift more precious than gold, and to thereby make it so.

Loren M. Lambert © July 23, 2013

Anal Judges

The most common judicial disposition is not with the activist judge, but the anal judge who is enamored with procedure, captivated by convention, and enchanted by complexity. Here’s an example of a paraphrased colloquy I experienced today. (I will paraphrase what was said and use an example that is a little different than what happened in deference to my client and the judge; but this is largely what was said):

Me: Your Honor, an additional impairment the claimant has is that he’s missing his right arm from the elbow, down. This would meet one of the conditions for a finding for a listing under 12.05.

Judge: So where does it state that in the medical record?

Me: Your Honor, the claimant has been homeless for many years and unable to obtain a majority of his medical records because his physician died and the records were destroyed or lost and he cannot afford to go to a doctor at this time. Besides, he can just show you his stump.

Judge: That’s all very fine, but you need to cite me to a medical record that establishes this as the regulations require.

Me: Richard Jones Ph.D. does indicate at 5F page 6 in the Medical Record that as part of his evaluation, he noted that Claimant is missing his right arm.

Judge: Yes, but he is a psychologist and is not qualified to opine on whether or not the claimant’s arm is impaired. All impairments must be established objectively.

Me: Well, your Honor, I think Mr. Doe is capable of showing you this impairment. It’s pretty obvious, and we did as allowed by the rules and as is required under these circumstances, request he be sent for a orthopedic evaluation –

Judge: Yes, I know. I may decide to do that, but I am not qualified to make medical conclusions, so let’s move on.

Me: Ok, but your Honor, you can consider some medical facts that are within the common understanding of us all, and he can simply roll up–

Judge: I said move on. Let’s go to the psychological expert.

Loren M. Lambert © July 18, 2013

“No Obama” Sticker Raises Questions

Upon finishing a week of camping at Havasupai, I spied one of the trucks in the parking lot sporting a bumper sticker with a rebel civil war southern flag and the words "No Obama." Frankly, it was an ignorant message.

I taught a scout troop, kayaking and canoeing at Silver Lake, yesterday. I don't know what caused several of the boys to express their displeasure toward President Obama (I didn't say or do anything myself), but their comments were very vitriolic, irrational, and I could tell they were mimicking their parents. One mentioned that the president is trying to do away with Fourth of July celebrations and this holiday. I wanted to say something, but didn't, because I wasn't sure how to do it without interjecting politics into my lesson and causing a rift. I know, now, what I would have said. (I’ll save that for later.)

Many of you know I am a vocal and enthusiastic President Obama supporter, even though I am sometimes disturbed by some of his security policies and many of his statements made for political expediency – as opposed to what I know he'd say if not worried about his image and the vote.

Nevertheless, the amount of hysteria associated with his presidency (as exemplified by the above examples) causes me to ask people to search their hearts, educate their minds, and to strive to intelligently express the reasons they disagree with the president without resorting to vulgarity, fanciful musings, or consciously or subconsciously racist sentiments that make them appear doltish and ignorant.

Contrary to what you might think, I respect those who disagree with the president as fellow citizens and brothers here in this beautiful country.  I just respect, more, those who concretely express the reasons why they are opposed to him and have a factual basis of their displeasure. I then reserve my highest respect for those who not only can express and appropriately validate their own position, but understand fully why others may disagree with them and can appreciate why their experiences and the factual underpinnings of their opinions cause them to have a particular position.

Some of you get this respect, and my hat and highest esteem goes out to you.

Loren M. Lambert © July 17, 2013

Zimmerman Verdict

If you love democracy, if you love the rule of law and the rights memorialized and protected under the U.S. Constitution, you will embrace and defend the Zimmerman verdict as just and right, and you will honor those who served on the jury – regardless of your individual speculations, one way or another.

Loren M. Lambert © July 16, 2013

Invitation To The Snake River

A shout out to my river friends!  Snake River White Foot Tribe (not in reference to skin color, but in reference to the color that all feet take on – in comparison to the rest of their skin – when stuffed in wet river shoes all day), The South Hoback Junction Ward, and our river wannabes, are off to boat the Snake this weekend, starting Thursday night.

Come join us!

Loren M. Lambert © July 16, 2013

Put It Out To The Universe

I was told I need to “put it out to the universe,” by Charlie Halford. 

So, here goes: --, - ,-,,,--.. ---- .. --....-. .-- ,,,,----- ,- ,-,-, ---,,,-- ,,,,- -- ,,,--- ,,-...-- - - ! (I will do big things in small ways.)

Loren M. Lambert © July 13, 2013

The Death Penalty – Society’s Voyeuristic Appetite for Revengeful Execution, Instead of Reconciliation

Pity the loved one who must toil to bestow mouth-to-mouth and chest compressions to the reeking moribund body of martyrdom, when the purpose championed thereby has been accepted, understanding has already been achieved, and full penitence rendered long ago, all because her voyeuristic appetite for another revengeful execution, far exceeds her desire for love and reconciliation.

Loren M. Lambert © July 11, 2013

Havasupai: (Paradise Lost...Hot Gale Brought Death in the Afternoon)

Paradise lost, a taste of paradise preserved, burning desert besieged by bounteous blue waters and red, angry, flash floods.

The stench of men and beasts from tourists, stray dogs, and too many beasts of burden fouled the air.

The sight of garbage blown in the wind and hidden under grapevine, Sacred Datura, Cottonwood, and Mesquite jarred the eyes and mind when juxtaposed against the stark beauty of red rock, travertine-colored water falls, and the verdant flora.

Yet still, the place teemed with birds, bugs, fish, and wild animals.

At the pools and falls, sweat, skin, bravado, and bronze were on display in exuberant fashion. It was thrilling to take it all in.

Then, a lightning-fast, hurricane-force hot gale brought death in the afternoon by felling a diseased and burnt-out tree upon a mother of 29, playing cards. It crushed her skull.

This was on my last day of hikes.

The grim Native American officers passed me by in their jeep – first, on their way to the body (when I was headed up to Navajo Falls), and then on their way back several hours later (just as I was returning to camp). They carried  a body bag jumbling morosely in the open bed. Two campers, most likely loved ones (a man and woman) sat directly in front of the body in the passenger seat and stared ahead, shell-shocked and blank.

The woman greeted me with a monotone, "Hello," and a lifeless wave of the hand. It was so odd – as if she, too, had been infused with the contradictions of the beauty and paradise lost of this place.

Loren M. Lambert © July 10, 2013

Back Pain and Roasting in the Outdoor Oven of Havasupai

I’m off to Havasupai to roast in the outdoor oven. I will soon know what biscuits feel like.

It's only 115 degrees here, in Vegas. To top it off, I finally got to experience what I've read about hundreds of times and could only imagine: the thrill of nerve endings pinching back because you're pinching them (as described by clients to their docs). 

Severe sciatica radiating pain is helping me discover entirely new and interesting ways to sit while driving, and it is enriching my pain vocabulary.

Loren M. Lambert © July 3, 2013

The Salmon Sushi Craze

Exciting news – at least for me! I just completed, by my deadline, the second re-write of "Sushi."  It’s about the salmon sushi craze that cured obesity, but then brought the world to its knees.

I love it! I hope I'm not a chorus of one.

We'll see.

Loren M. Lambert © June 30, 2013

News Headline: "2200 Patients Cut From Valley Mental Health"

Due to budgetary cuts, Utah (the state that has faired the best in the recession) is cutting 2200 patients from Valley Mental Health. Sad fact is that, in the long run, this cut will cost more than cutting administrators or recreational services, because it will inevitably lead to more criminal activity, job loss, and dysfunctional families.

These cuts are also a reflection of our ongoing prejudice against mental illness. There are no "Huntsman Centers For Mental Health," no full health and disability coverage for mental health, and no media-driven charity fund raisers for Joe Blow down the street, who was just diagnosed with schizophrenia. Why?

We still think that while all the other organs of the body can have innumerable things go awry, whatever goes wrong with the most important organ of the body – the brain (without a rational doubt, the embodiment of the human spirit) – is simply a matter of dint of will to rise above any mental health issue. However, this is simply false.

While all physical and mental health issues are subject to our personal choices, they are both equally susceptible to disease, injury, and congenital and environment disruptions. And while schizophrenia and other mental illnesses are not immediately fatal, and therefore do not evoke the same reaction as a diagnosis of cancer would, untreated, they are worse than cancer. These illnesses are akin to being buried alive in full view of caring eyes.

Let's stop burying alive our fellow sojourners here on earth by cutting their much-needed access to mental health services. It is not only the right thing to do, it is the financially prudent thing to do.

Loren M. Lambert © June 30, 2013

Freedom Flourishes Due To Principles – Not Warheads and Jails

From the Babylonians, to the Persians, to the Romans, to the Ottomans, to the Tatars, to the Mongols, to the Spanish, to the British, and then to the Americans, I'd say (despite our faults) we've done well, but are only in our infancy.  May we always remember it is due to our principles of freedom and justice, and not due to our warheads and jails.

Loren M. Lambert © June 29, 2013

Lady Justice Blindfolded – or With a Phone Held To Her Head?

It's a metaphor: the statute of blindfolded Lady Justice holding the scales. I prefer her, though blindfolded she may be.

Many folks might prefer "lady justice" (small "l" and "j") holding the scales of justice with one side holding a ballot box filled with votes and a "$" (money), and the other side holding “them” – raised up from the weight of their money and political influence. Others might prefer “lady justice” holding a phone to her head, waiting to get direction from "god" (with a small "g,” meaning the god of the religion with whom the person on the other side of the scale doesn't agree, regardless of which "god" that person happens to worship).

That is the risk you see: Many want "their" perfect "God" to appear and rule so that all decisions are just and stand the test of time. However, until that "God" appears in person, no one will ever know for sure which "god" will show up and will be calling the shots.

Under such circumstances, and as long as we are imperfect, I want my religion and my government to be the same as my salad and desert: served on different plates with a wall of separation/dinner in between.

Loren M. Lambert © June 28, 2013

How The Supreme Court Operates

Unfettered from the tyranny of political pressure from the more powerful or numerous, the courts – especially the Supreme Court – often surprise and do what they are supposed to do: apply the law blindly, evenly, and dispassionately. Of course, they are not always correct. Moreover, they did about exactly what I predicted.

Loren M. Lambert © June 27, 2013

Insurance Companies’ Complexity Ensures They Maintain The Upper Hand

As the saying goes: When you turn toward one opportunity, you turn your back on another. With the blessed privilege of decent health insurance comes the obscure process of claims processing with dual insurance. And why the complexity?  Insurance companies want it this way. Too much simplicity would mean we could always figure it out and make sure we maximized our benefits.

Loren M. Lambert © June 26, 2013

Deseret News Reported IRS Targeting Occupy Groups

Today, the Deseret News reported that the IRS also targeted (for extra scrutiny) organizations requesting non-profit status, with the term "Occupy" in their paperwork.  Something tells me that, that fact will not muster even a peep out of the lunatic fringe right-wingers’ propaganda machine, Fox News.

Loren M. Lambert © June 25, 2013

Motivation is Based Upon How I Want To Feel

I do not breathe because of my mood, I do not read based upon my energy level, and I do not work out because of how I feel. I do these things based upon how I want to feel. Serving your mind, body, and spirit is as important as breathing – except that death is less imminent when failing to do them. Nevertheless, it is just as apparent when their absence becomes death’s arrival.

Loren M. Lambert © June 24, 2013

Man Is That He Might Have Joy

The Basswood is in bloom, the June moon is full, the weather is temperate. The flowers are edible, the beams potable, and you can breathe in the elements.

Never a better time to be two-for-one with the universe.

So eat, drink, and breathe in the essence of the evanescent – for man is that he might have joy, and joy is ever-fleeting and cannot be contained nor commoditized in the days of diminishing realities.

Loren M. Lambert © June 21, 2013

Dear Boston (Re: Boston Bombers)

Dear Boston,

My prayers and heartfelt concerns go out to you. I am relieved to hear our neighborhood marathoner, Marcie Nielsen, is safe. My condolences to those who received sadder news.


Dear Boston,

Find the bastards, bring them to justice, and let's finish this marathon. Never let the terrorists win even a momentary victory.

Loren M. Lambert © April 15, 2013

The War on Football

When I feel that empty spot in my heart that only can be filled with hate and fear, I go listen to my old standby, conservative talk show host, Rush Limbaugh. Thank God I listened, again, for I failed to see the latest new war, launched by liberals great and small. What is it? As if you didn't know, it's the war on football (American football), one of the only reasons you would kiss a girl (except for the reason that she can maybe give you kids who can play football)!

Limbaugh said that soon, Football with a capital "F" will be replaced by fooseball with a small "f. "  Football spelled backwards spells "llabtoof," which sounds like something that can be purchased at Victoria’s Secret, or Bed, Bath and Beyond, and therefore is all-American.

If you want to be watchin’ or playin’ with little panzy fake men on a stick, kicking a little turd into a slot with a little flick of the wrist, or watching diminutive aliens smacking little birdies around with kiddie rackets, then do nothing.

However, if you want to watch grown, steroid-enlarged men with cool tats and Adonis faces sticking their sweaty hands up the crotch of a corn-fed, oversized cornhusker to summon the ol' pigskin, and then listen to heads crack in a real man's game as they try to get that skin over the goal line, join the fight by sending me money. I will then use a good portion of it to defeat the would-be ball wreckers.

God bless America, apple pie, and Dallas Cowboy’s cheerleaders. Long live football!

Loren M. Lambert © April 26, 2013

Relationships

The stability, strength, and richness of our early relationships are more indicative of our future success and happiness than IQ and wealth.

Loren M. Lambert © June 20, 2013

I Should Have Said This, First.

"I know I'm not the wizard that you expected, but I might be the wizard you need."

(From Oz – a line stolen from my book of quotes, because if I didn't say it first, I should have, and meant to. Besides, it’s so fitting that I must have, therefore I did.)

Loren M. Lambert © June 17, 2013

Whistle Blow Through Official Channels

Generally, I don't think I like "leakers." I think a more brave course would be this: If you think the Constitution or laws are being violated, then blow the whistle through official channels so you don't jeopardize lives, security, and intelligence gathering. Many times, those who don't have all the information make a lot of assumptions that assume the worst.

Loren M. Lambert © June 13, 2013

My Letter To The Utah State Bar Rules Committee

I had to send this to the Rules Committee about more onerous Utah Bar rules on advertising:

To Whom It May Concern,

I intensely dislike some law firm ads I see and hear, especially with actors pretending to have been severely injured in an accident. However, I more intensely dislike governmental/bar intrusions into advertising.

It is pathetic and ridiculous that the powerhouse lawyers and firms, which are able to place themselves in positions of authority, or those that see themselves as the anal protectors of all things good and pure, see fit to babysit and squash their competitors by eliminating marketing that is direct and inexpensive and must find a free and easy way to see what their competitors are doing by making them submit copy of advertising. This is an inappropriate, overreaching, unnecessary, and unfair conversion of business practices.

It is also ironic that more government/bar intrusion is sought in a state that prides itself for being conservative and claiming it wants less government.

Stop babysitting and imposing old-fashioned notions created to squash competition, but passed in the guise of protecting our standards of ethics.

Sincerely, Loren M. Lambert

Loren M. Lambert © June 11, 2013

The Next Great Adventure

There comes a time when, on the surface, there are no more hidden secrets, no mysteries to explore, and no sensations left to feel. There’s a time when the outer shell of our body has been sent through the wash cycle a billion times, scrubbed, burnt, gouged, photographed, exposed, cut, abused, loved, caressed, hated, chilled, heated, wind-burned and saturated with all manner of experiences.  At this pinnacle, the reward is that of Jacques-Cousteau proportions – to plumb the debts into the darkest and most unexplored regions, to go against the current and into the vortex.

So here I stand, my bowels almost fully void and prepped, on the eve of this great adventure, when, at a time fit for the contemplative moments of the day, I will undergo what most can only dream about – like 14- to 15-year-olds waiting to learn to drive: a colonoscopy.

Wish me luck. Pictures to follow!

Loren M. Lambert © June 10, 2013

How Not To Get Elected (What We Really Need)

Unless there is a compelling need justified by specific facts peculiar to the governmental entity or particular industry, no law shall be passed that gives special legal protection or any legal advantage over other persons, entities. Any and all laws that create such inequality will be sunsetted. As an option, such advantages and protection should be extended to all industries, persons, and entities. In other words, if legal reform, tax reform, immunity, collection advantages or constraints are deemed necessary, it should apply to all persons and business entities.

Loren M. Lambert © June 10, 2013

Unconditional Jail Time

While watching the movie, Unconditional  (which I thought was filmed in Texas), my attention focused on the irrationality of our penal system. We incarcerate more per capita than most other western nations. https://www.google.com/search?q=us+incarceration+rate&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=ACa0UYWOF4TmygHng4G4Bw&sqi=2&ved=0CEkQsAQ&biw=1366&bih=677

I represented a client who told me he got 10 years in prison in Texas because he was mad about losing his kids, so he took an ax and broke the porch at his ex-wife’s home. I thought, “You’re not telling me the whole story. Your kids or ex must have been put into danger or some other thing.”  I got his records and learned that what he said is what really happened: He busted up the porch. The sheriff told him to stop and he wouldn't. He got ten years!

I got his high school and family history records and learned he had severe learning disabilities because he got dropped on his head as an infant. He never secured any assistance. I don't want to justify anything nor minimize his behavior, but it makes me wonder: Why ten years?  As far as I could tell, he had no significant criminal history.

Loren M. Lambert © June 9, 2013

Government Spying On Our Social Media, Etc.

Why is it not a surprise to me that the U.S. government has been spying on our social media conversations and obtaining cell phone information? I've known it's been going on ever since the FBI agents showed up at my Iranian friend’s home after 9/11 and told him he needed to "curb" his Facebook posts and emails.

Loren M. Lambert © June 8, 2013

"Beauty Is When The Skin Texture Is Deep." Skin Texture Nation, KneeHighSkinTextureTattoo.com Socks

I am at that age when my skin is really cool. I have the best of youth and age.

It's not so cured that I could mix in with an elephant troop, yet (I’m planning on that in a couple of years). It’s not so inelastic that I have to use tacks to keep it in place, or piercings to tighten it up and batten it down (that, in about a decade).

Naked, all the scars I've earned throughout life are showing up really well now. If I ever went to a nudist colony, I could talk for hours, relating the stories behind each scar – except for maybe the one on my ass (not sure the statute of limitations has passed on how I got that one, so I'd have to skip that story).

Still, I almost look like I’m not a day over 17 when I’m really wet, just coming out of a hot-spring pool dripping, when there's a nice bit of steam wafting about, and it's dusk or dawn and you squint a bit.

Best of all, my skin is at that perfect stage when I can now order from KneeHighSkinTextureTattoo.com, You can wear these socks all day. You can wear them on Fridays at work, and under white-collar-work slacks, hidden from curious eyes. When you come home after the TGIFs, you can rip everything off, put on your Native American, Samoan, Maori, Aborigine, or African loin cloth (I have a couple dozen) – or heck, even lederhosen (depending on the socks worn of course) and – viola! – the skin has molded into a be-a-u-ti-ful Maori texture-tattoo, etc. that lasts the entire weekend of LARP-ing.

This is very fun and exciting, especially for my fellow lady LARPers who, of course, order their stuff from CorsetSkinTextureTattoo.com, which creates a great embellishment for their Viking, Xena, or Wonder Women two-piece warrior outfits.

Next week, I'm coming home for the weekend as an Amazon Kamayura Warrior, with socks from the most recent Knee-High Texture-Tattoo sock addition to their product line. (I get to try it first!)

As the Kamayura say, "Leg texture ends all conjecture," and "Beauty is when the skin texture is deep."

Loren M. Lambert © June 1, 2013

On Changing My Work Schedule

I'm thinking about changing my work schedule. I will only work when weather, sickness, and circumstances prevent me from enjoying a beautiful day. For all of you who enjoyed that work schedule today, I envy you. You have found the key.

Also, grasshopper cookies and pie will be my company mascot.

Loren M. Lambert © May 31, 2013

When Virtues Taken To The Extremes Become Vices – or Maybe Just Pointless (or Maybe I just Don't Have the Spirit)

I read about two places in Utah where charities make sure every grave is decorated for Memorial Day. Someone, explain this to me.

I see value in giving honor and remembrance to the dead, because it helps us more fully value and embrace life (to a point), and it connects us to our heritage. However, must we be spending time, money, and precious effort making sure every gravestone has a flower? We humans sometimes know how to take a somewhat rational irrationality (graveyards, period) and turn them into emotional Frankensteins.

Please tell me what I'm missing, along with charities, to sweater up dogs and fund manicures to the tribes in the Amazon.

Loren M. Lambert © May 30, 2013

Beauty Is Here, But Not So Sure It Is Elsewhere

Besides the fact it was a beautiful day in Utah and I felt so grateful to be alive, it's a little different elsewhere.

Syria received its first shipment of missiles from Russia. It's deja vu all over again. Hmmm, I wonder what Russia's interest is?

Loren M. Lambert © May 30, 2013

Tipping Points that Saved the World – American Exceptionalism

I checked out the audio book on the “Seven Great Tipping Points that Saved the World,” not knowing what is was about. Coincidentally, I listened to it on the way to Moab (named after the Biblical mountainous region in Jordan).

This audio book provides an evangelistic view of critical points in human history.  It sets forth some great (and I think, valid) relevant positions about democratic and Christianity’s influences in historical events and it tells seven, fascinating stories about "historical tipping points." However, like most such histories written with an agenda, it often overstates its case with broad generalizations and faulty reasoning. It's whole point seems to be that all things good in the world, including toasters and latex paint, are due to Christianity (which I do give some credit).

The book contained a section on American exceptionalism, which, along with God (the Christian God), the authors suggest should be believed and embraced by all who live in America.

What I don't “get” is it adds nothing to the conversation, nor debates, what U.S. actions and policies should be to premise any particular position as somehow being right because we are "exceptional."

In actuality, probably the most horrendous crimes against humanity are committed by people or groups that are under the mistaken belief that they are somehow "exceptional" and better than others.

So, American exceptionalists, what does it add to the conversation whether or not you, I, or others believe in American exceptionalism?

Loren M. Lambert © May 15, 2013

Just Like Watergate (Serious?)

Today, every journalist dreams of the day they will save the country, the world, and maybe even the universe by breaking the story that reveals some ugly truth that then allows us to remove the usurper before it is too late.

Every politician prays to be the one to guillotine their rival and to then be paraded through the streets upon the backs of their constituents while holding aloft, by its graying hair, the severed head of their fallen foe.

The only problem is they are all so eager and so hellbent on doing the above, that they don't want to reveal the truth as much as what they think the truth is going to be, or should be, based upon their hopes, suspicions, most recent hallucination, and grandiose delusions. Few of them show the restraint and wisdom of a true patriot, or demonstrate the discipline or ethical fortitude of the journalistic gumshoes, like Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein. Few of them work for an organization that insists on being right, instead of always being first or being the most incendiary.

 Benghazi was catastrophic, the allegations of IRS partisanship are despicable and disturbing, but absolutely no truth-revealing evidence has been produced that indicates that any of these, or other governmental debacles, even approach the perfidy that was Nixon's Watergate. If and when it ever does, I'll be out there in front leading the charge of impeachment.

Loren M. Lambert © May 24, 2013

Died In Her Sleep

I'm not being judgmental. I’m not even sure I'd do differently. I'm just posing the questions, pondering the implications, wondering out loud to the intellectual void of the Facebook uber web.

She was a beautiful, gifted, vibrant soul. She had the looks, the supple athletic body, the winsome smile. She could sketch, design, and write. She had an engaging infant child and an equally troubled husband. Like him, her other (private) self held court with a terrible addiction to ethanol.

Perhaps she did die in her sleep. This could happen if  a brain and body poisoned with alcohol wafts off into some peaceful exotic dreamscape before death's icy fingers rip the life and soul from this mortal coil. And that's what the obituary said, didn't it? "She died in her sleep." Tragically, that sleep rode in on a slurry of alcohol.

It makes me wonder: Why tarnish the good name of the dead? Why have such an ugly disease be given a place next to the good that a person was?

Doesn't it make it all the more sinister and ugly to push it out of sight? Doesn't it make it more difficult to admit that the very best of us need help and compassion? Doesn't it trivialize the problem and pass it off as no big deal? And when it's no big deal, don't those living with the demons of their addictions justifiably push the realities of their problem out of sight as if it was no big deal and the happy facade was all that mattered?

I suspect we collectively add to the problem when we cannot be open to the fact that addiction exacts a heavy toll and affects many more than we ever acknowledge. May we all die in our sleep, and when we don't, may we all have the courage to face our demons in life and perhaps even in death.

Loren M. Lambert © May 24, 2013

Prosecutors Feel They Must Get Some Pound Of Flesh Out Of The Accused, Whether Guilty Or Not

It was a stunningly beautiful day!  I took a lovely drive down to Manti to visit the justice court and met some nice people down there. Too bad prosecutors cloak themselves with the mantel of the city's ego. Once a case is filed, they always feel like they have to get some pound of flesh out of the accused, whether guilty or not – just because they can.

Loren M. Lambert © May 21, 2013

Fat and Beautiful

I took a photo of a dear, fellow actress/film enthusiast on set, because she was part of the experience and I wanted to remember experiencing it with her and the other participants. She scolded me and stated, "Why does everyone take fat pictures of me?" She then explained why she had gained so much weight and kind of apologized for being fat.

Indeed, she had gained a lot. However, to care about her as a human being does not require her or anyone else to measure up to my or others’ expectations of “bed-able” beauty, optimal health, or the end-all of human value.

Weighing more than an ideal weight for current culture, and overall well-being, has many relative consequences and complex causes, with choice being one of them. But "fatness" is simply a more visible manifestation among many other potentially harmful, less-visible human proclivities, and behind which a lot of us hide in our hypocrisy as we ridicule or shun the obese.

This is not to suggest that we must pretend we don't see it, nor disengage from encouraging wise choices to those who can do otherwise. It is what it is, nothing more nothing less. Just realize that sometimes, the more humble souls of earth will see the other beautiful things about you, and despite your deemed imperfections, will choose and want to take a picture of you for having experienced your beauty without giving any pause due to your imperfections.

It's not that obesity is beautiful per se. It is just that, like the rest of us who strive for perfection despite our less visible flaws, you can be both fat and beautiful. If you want, and are able to make changes and meet modern and more healthy expectations of beauty, you will still be beautiful while we might still be struggling.

May I take the picture?

Loren M. Lambert © May 17, 2013

People Driven By Eros Desire a Much Broader Fusion

I wanted to post a sentiment about love, or “eros,” but someone else did it for me.

I would like to share with you an excerpt I recently read from one of my favorite books, “The Social Animal,” by David Brooks.

He said, “Today, when we hear the word, eros, we think of something quite distinct and compartmentalized: sex. In the bookstore, erotica is separated from the other books. This is the narrow, chopped-up meaning of eros, which we have inherited from a sex-centered culture. In the Greek understanding, eros is not just the desire for orgasm, sex, or even genetic transmission. The Greeks saw eros as a generalized longing for union with the beautiful and the excellent.

People driven by lust desire to have orgasms with each other. However, people driven by eros yearn to have a much broader fusion. They want to share the same emotions, visit the same places, savor the same pleasures, and replicate the same patterns in each other’s minds. As Allan Bloom wrote in “Love & Friendship: ‘Animals have sex and human beings have eros, and no accurate science is possible without making this distinction.’”

Let eros drive you.
“Voulavous."

Loren M. Lambert © May 13, 2013

Traveling Solo To Moab

I headed off to Moab (the Paris of Utah), but I only made it to quaint Green River, where melons are king or queen. I saw too many photo stops along the way (a lonely luxury when you travel solo and don't have to worry about annoying your traveling companions).

Loren M. Lambert © May 11, 2013

Where Doing Business Is Easy

One thousand people are dead in Pakistan’s worst industrial accident – all because they were ordered to return to work in an unsafe building after an earthquake.

While it certainly could use a few tweaks, the reason we tend not to have such things occur in the U.S. is because of our laws, and criminal and civil justice system. Remember that the next time you want to reform our system and laws to make them “easier” for U.S. business entities to do business here.  It is easier for businesses in Pakistan to be careless, because they don’t have to worry about liability for forcing their employees to work in unsafe work environments.

Loren M. Lambert © May 10, 2013

The Inside Spirit How We Perceive Ourselves is Rarely as Others See Us

Kevin Kling says that "how we perceive ourselves is rarely as others see us, and we are all the heroes of our own stories."

Therein lies a big problem. Only rare individuals have complete self-awareness and the ability to see things about themselves exactly as they are perceived by others.

The times I have grown the most is when someone I trusted helped me see, not what I thought the world saw, not what I wanted and hoped the world saw, but what was truly my presentation to the world, my manifestation – how I was seen.  Even though we rebel against it, even though we may think it is the last thing we want to hear, there is great power in that, because it is only then we can make the greatest progress.

Do not demand from others unconditional love of your imperfections. That is what many require and what they think they want. However, the last thing we need is to reinforce the lies we perceive about ourselves. It’s better that someone tell us what we need to hear, and if we are really lucky, he/she will love us just the same.

I want to thank all the people in my life who have told me what I need to know – not what I have wanted to hear – and to those who have loved me still, despite that. I hope to honor you by showing I am humble enough to learn from you.

          "Here comes the spirit of the wolf."
          "Here comes the spirit of the wolf."
          "Here is the spirit of the wolf." ~ Kevin Kling

Loren M. Lambert © May 8, 2013

Lightning and Thunder I Spring

As long as nobody gets hurt, I'd like a little more lightning and thunder with my spring season. The little taste of it I got, today, reminded me of how much I miss it.

What about you? Do you hide under the bed, or sit under the porch waiting for the next blast?

I'd walk around with a lightning rod on my head if I didn't know any better.

Loren M. Lambert © May 7, 2013

You've Heard Them Screaming At Games – They Share the Blame!

Referee Ricardo Portillo should be mourned by all this day (and for many more), so we don't forget. Such a sad tragedy for his family and all who knew him!

A 17-year-old struck him in the head because Portillo had the nerve to do his job and "yellow-card" him. Soon, a bigger yellow card should be coming his way, and all the parents, spectators, and players who utter violent and despicable things about referees and opposing team mates, share in the guilt and in the responsibility. It is likely that the 17-year-old heard many such examples until he, like them, had no respect for the people that make sport a reality.

Sports are nothing without rules and the referees who apply them. I tried to referee and it is one of the most challenging and difficult things to do. It’s probably more difficult than being a judge, who can take his time in deliberations.

You may disagree, or call it “different,” but don't disrespect our referees. Don't ever give any kid an inkling that a judgment call by a referee deserves anything other than respect. Remember that of all who play such roles.

Loren M. Lambert © May 6, 2013

The New Religion

Gmail, Facebook, and the Internet – with all their possibilities and potential (along with my plastic Jesus (or a saint) figurine mounted on my computer monitor [for extra “oomph!”]) – are my Sutter's-Mill moment, my lucky lottery ticket, my little piece of pie of providence, my golden ticket to better things, the gods to whom I look to bring me some miraculous wonder, some unknowable surprise, some state of bliss that cannot be achieved except by paying obedience to social media’s higher laws of connection, saturation, attention, and abject servitude to its every whim.

So I come, assiduously, day in and day out, looking and hoping for that which must inevitably come, because I am a true believer.

Come, here I am, ready to be whatever you require. But please don't keep me waiting too long, or I just might have to change my religion.

Loren M. Lambert © May 5, 2013

Real vs. Counterfeit Relationships

People who hate you after a break up (romantic, intimate, or otherwise) often "loved" you because of what they believed you could do for them. Then, when they realize that you can't, won't, or never could, their counterfeit sentiments fail like Viagra above a desert plain.

So, spare yourselves and others the drama. Hang with, date, and love people you really like being with and care about, regardless of what they can or cannot do for you.

Loren M. Lambert © May 4, 2013

Can an Employer Keep You From Discussing Your Wages With Others?

I was reading a client's personnel records we obtained in discovery, in preparation for our workers’ compensation hearing. He had been disciplined for talking about wages and benefits with other employees.

The employer was correct, because he had done this during work hours on the job (and thus, he could be disciplined for not working).  However, an employer cannot in any way prohibit, discourage, inhibit, or discipline you as a wage-earning employee who is not in management, for discussing wages, benefits, and the work environment when on your own time.

This doesn't mean you can bad-mouth your employer and not get canned (with some exceptions for protected whistle-blowing activities), but don't let the employer discipline you for behavior protected under the FLSA, like discussing wages when not working.

Loren M. Lambert © May 1, 2013

When Business Wants Your Loyalty, Life Blood, and Your Balls/Mammary Nozzles

My son was asked to sign a non-compete agreement for a company (which does business in his area of study) with which he landed a non-paying internship this summer. This agreement purports to restrict him from working for any similar business in the entire continental United States for one year after his internship is finished.

Besides the fact that the contract is unenforceable (because there is no consideration and it is over-broad [Business Law 101]), I find it ridiculous that a business which is not only not paying him, and is offering him no loyalty, wants him to be loyal to it! In essence, for a summer's worth of slavery, it wants him to agree to be unemployed for one year, thereafter!

Yes, I know he may get some great experience, but this company should show some decency as an American business and make the non-compete both legal and fair by restricting its application geographically to Utah and contingent upon them making an offer of employment after the internship.

(The contract is also unenforceable because my son will most likely not be in a position in which he is building good will for the company or learning its trade secrets.)

Loren M. Lambert © April 30, 2013

Rape in India

I was listening to one of the most popular actors, writers, singers, and directors of India's entertainment industry, indicating that their society needed to scrutinize the messages their entertainment media was sending that "commoditized" and "objectified" women. He spoke out against the rampant violence against women in his country.

Intellectually and anecdotally, I believe that pornography and other sexually explicit or suggestive forms of media may desensitize individuals and activate criminal proclivities to commit crimes. However, I don't think that adequately explains the extent of the problem in India. Just as violent films and videos have not been shown to have a scientifically noticeable effect on violent tendencies, I suspect that sexually explicit mediums are used as excuses, just as the way a woman dresses is used as an excuse to engage in criminal behavior against women.

Apparently, India has a very high per capita incident of rape, yet their entertainment industry is actually substantially more tame than the U.S.'s entertainment media. So, is the media to blame in India? Is that easier to cope with than the fact that, culturally, there may be endemic problems that are harder to admit and more difficult to address?

Loren M. Lambert © April 28, 2013

Plan To Have the Right Reaction Towards Siblings Before Parents Pass

Today, the heirs (kids) of a family called me about their deceased father's will.

Someday, you may be doing the same with your siblings. When that happens, save yourself an ugly display of human greed and bile by realizing the following:

There is no law that constrains parents to do what you want, what you think is fair, or what any other person, group, religion, or government thinks they should do. They don't even have to do what their spouses do. Their property is "theirs" in every sense of the term. They can spend it all before they die, they can give it all to you, they can give it all to charity, or they can give it all to your sibling(s). They can do it out of fear, love, hate, concern, spite, and just for kicks. They just can't do it when incompetent.

Don't plan your life around it, and don't expect anything. Just treat everyone well and be grateful if fortune eases your burdens or gives you the bounty of an unexpected inheritance to grace your life, or that of others, if they so choose.

In this case, the father left his inheritance, a relatively modest sum, to two of his children who where disabled. He left nothing for the other three half siblings. I can't remember all of his reasoning, but who is to say he was wrong?

His disinherited son thought he was wrong, and he let us all know by shattering any bit of decency and dignity he carried by hurling the most obscene invectives he could conjure from his livid mind at us.

Don't you be that person. Decide now to be mature, measured, and charitable. If, in fact, you think a parent has been taken advantage of at your expense, or things aren't as they are claimed to be, don't make assumptions, don't assume the worst of everyone. Do your homework and then act with decency through the appropriate channels. Most of all, take a moment to realize there may be another way to look at things than from your limited perspective.

Loren M. Lambert © April 24, 2013

New Hero: Bassem Youssef

I have a new hero: Bassem Youssef. He is a successful heart surgeon, now-turned comedian and political commentator, who is, in all respects, trying to peel away the sclerosis and disease that has so quickly encrusted Egypt's heart so that the country may find a way to pulse the fresh blood of liberty into its ossifying body.

Loren M. Lambert © April 25, 2013

Morphic Resonance – Get Some Today

Morphic Resonance (cheaper than satellite/web service, etc.) is God’s/the Cosmos' answer to the internet. It's the reason I am so damn smart, yet just a step behind. I rely upon it almost exclusively when it comes to fashion, playing pit, and investing.

Loren M. Lambert © April 22, 2013

We Have Rights Because We Are Humans, Not Because We Are U.S. Citizens

Those who don't know the truth about human nature, and the reason for the rights we extend to all (or should), are in a race to the bottom when it comes to dealing with the surviving, soon-to-be-charged marathon bomber.

There is no principle of our law that says we base the rights we extend to the accused upon the gravity of the offense, their minority status, or the quality and quantity of the evidence against them – nor should there be. Such a course degrades justice for all.

Loren M. Lambert © April 21, 2013

Minister of Adventure Church Is Good Preacher (We Must Set Aside Conventions Of Ritual and Ceremony Used To Create “Us” and “Them)

"If you don't know what the truth is, you can't live in it," said Ira Popper, minister at the Adventure Church, which I have attended.

Popper is my Meisner acting instructor, and also a very good preacher. If you ignored his dry delivery, you would find that he is dynamic and demonstrative. His message of love is similar to those I have heard in other churches, including the LDS. In addition, this church presents an opening Christian rock band, the members of his congregation are vocal, and they participate in raising the arms.

As I have often said, we must set aside the conventions of ritual and ceremony that we use to differentiate and create the “us” and the “them.”  We all have more in common than what separates us.

Loren M. Lambert © April 21, 2013

The Fruits of Freedom and the Rule of Law

As anticipated, it is the deafening silence of Muslim leaders, everywhere, condemning the resort to violence by the Boston Marathon Bombers that speaks volumes.

It is also the lightning speed and professionalism of our police forces that speaks volumes about the benefits of freedom and the rule of law. Yes, there are problems, but the fact that we hear about them, and they are addressed, is an essential part of remaining unfettered by domestic tyranny and is a testament that the system works. No country is perfect, but those that adhere and respect the law, and host a critical mass of law-abiding citizens, are forever moving toward that unattainable goal of perfection, instead of spiraling away from it like so many failed states.

Loren M. Lambert © April 19, 2013

Beautiful Day

I saw no material gains on this day, yet all in all, it was beyond any price. It was beautiful, full, and abundant. I was one of a rare few who had the ineffable wonder of hearing arctic loons pronounce their wistful longing cries to welcome another effulgent day. My only regret is that I am not out there now, as they woo the moon.

Loren M. Lambert © April 19, 2013

You Can Train Your Taste Buds

"By and large, people will not give up taste [salt, sugar, fat] for health," says, Michael Moss, author of, “Salt, Sugar, Fat: How the Food Giants Hooked Us.”

I guess I am an exception, but I don't feel I sacrifice any taste. Taste buds just reconfigure with a bulked-down diet. Nothing is more savory when you're a little hungry, and the gauge is lowered when you do not mainline sugar, fat, and salt anymore.

Loren M. Lambert © April 17, 2013

Our Children's Laughter

"Our revenge will be our children's laughter," said Kevin Cullen of the Boston Globe, during an interview on NPR (National Public Radio).

Although it is perilous to pretend to know what is in the minds of others, I don’t think (based upon the tone of voice and content of his other comments) that Cullen meant the children of Boston will get delight from triumphing in a murderous manner over the cowards who committed the acts of terror yesterday.

What I think he meant was that a resilient, free, law-abiding, civilized, tolerant, peace-loving people (such as are those who live in Boston) will continue on, living life to its fullest and will come out on top because of their superior values. It is those values that give their children lives full of laughter and joy.

While those who engage in a philosophy and life of violence (who think they can destroy the abundance of those who live valiantly with good will towards all) will never find any such promise or peace, regardless of the real or imagined offenses perpetrated against them (because they reap what they sow, and because they take no responsibility for their own failings and take no action to achieve their own success) they simply wallow in victimization and use it as an excuse to abuse their own people.

Loren M. Lambert © April 16, 2013

Herb Cowan On Passion

"Passion? Passion is often overstated," said Herb Cowan, man with the rough hands and often-sunburned neck – and my mentor.

Loren M. Lambert © April 14, 2013

ASS on Korea and Guns

Regarding Korea and gun control, ASS (Ants for Socialist Solidarity) issued this communique: "We don't talk about it, we just do it. If you only used the weapons with which you were born, you'd be a much healthier and more advanced species."

Loren M. Lambert © April 14, 2013

Human Genes Should Not Be Patented

Myriad Genetics argues that since it was the first molecular diagnostic company to reach one of the many summits that exists within some human beings' mountain range of DNA (and because it spent a lot of money to reach that summit), it has a right to plant the Myriad Genetic's “flag” or “banner” thereon, claiming ownership on our genetic structures (like European colonizers would plant their flags on foreign rations to claim them as their own).

Having planted “their flag,” Myriad Genetics  wants our government to back it up so that it can demand, at a price that it sets, a toll from anyone who wants to locate, reach, and find beneficial uses of that same summit within the bodies of human beings.  Problem is, they don't own, nor have sovereignty over, the DNA mountain ranges where those peaks are found. Individual human beings do.

Myriad Genetics needs to understand this. Just because someone or some business spends a lot of money to achieve some noteworthy goal does not ipso facto mean that they earn the right to wield a government-enforced monopoly to profit from their efforts. Some scientific peaks, some human endeavors, some calls to excellence, and some actual peaks are scaled not for the purpose of conquest, profit, or right to possess, but for the mere achievement, and as a beacon for all to follow who can.

Just as Sir Edmund Hillary was not allowed to demand a tax of all who followed after him up the slopes of Mt. Everest, but who certainly found ways to profit from his fame, the only property interest that Myriad Genetics should be allowed to gain from its significant human achievement is to set up the most efficient business model possible in its use of this knowledge. That is what capitalism is about – competing. Therefore, given that Myriad Genetics launched a head start and holds the upper hand on the competition, it had better get on with it and just run on ahead of the competition and stop whining and insisting that we provide it with a government-sanctioned crying room at the exclusion of everyone else.

Loren M. Lambert © April 15, 2013

How Can You...?

How can you not stand in the presence of the watchful eye of a Golden Eagle and not be changed by it? How can you feel the reverberations of sand hill cranes breaking the chill and darkness of a clinging winter and not bask in its wonderment?  How can you witness permutations of perfection that are of other orders and assume for yourself the right to lay upon it your ruin?

Loren M. Lambert © April 12, 2013

Herb Cowan On People’s Fear

"Some people are so afeared of being alone, they don’ know how ta be tagether," said Herb Cowan, large vegetable farmer and my mentor.

Loren M. Lambert © April 12, 2013

Bad Posture and Sexuality

Here's an interesting tidbit on posture:

"One of the causes of poor posture is not what you would normally think. It is actually this: In cultures in which there is an unhealthy shame associated with maturation, sexuality, and the body organs associated therewith, young men, ashamed that someone might notice that they have genitals (which at times are inconveniently excitable), will slightly tilt their pelvis backward, in a conscious or unconscious effort at hiding their masculine profiles. In doing so, they inadvertently throw off the entire alignment of their spines. Young women, alarmed by their developing breasts, will slump their shoulders and concave their chests in an attempt to delay the appearance of the inevitable. The result for both is bad posture.

As a start to good posture, embrace and accept your maturing bodies. However, if shame is something you would like to have in common with your partner, look for the guy or gal who is hunched over and unable to make eye contact with you."

Loren M. Lambert © April 11, 2013

Scents Of The First Burst Of Blooming Flowers

When I exited my office at 10:30, I was greeted by scents from the first burst of blooming flowers: sweet, smooth, delicious, refreshing, and inviting; declaring the advent of new life and new beginnings; evoking the memories of frisbees, bare feet, finals, lusty kisses, and then freedom to abandon myself to their promise. So exquisite! I wanted to just stand there and let it wash over me like so many waves of all things celebrated.

So I did.

Loren M. Lambert © April 2, 2013

A Few Things To Remember

Remember, starch is just a longer molecular strand of sugar. Don't forget that elephants and donkeys share 97 percent of the same DNA. Finally, keep in mind that Will Smith is legend.

Loren M. Lambert © March 29, 2013

Same-Sex Marriage

I'm going to go out on a limb here: I think it will be close, but I predict the Supreme Court will either 1) decline to rule on the Prop 8 case, or 2) uphold its constitutionality, but might, in subsequent rulings, strike down economic laws that advantage married couples over singles and gay couples.

Loren M. Lambert © March 27, 2013

Herb Cowan On U.S. Soccer Footballers and the U.S. Supreme Court Ruling on Proposition 8

"Toilets have seats for a reason," advised Herb Cowan. "The other day the U.S. soccer footballers had a barn burner with Mexico, 0 to 0. The goalie said his guys had all worked a good shift. Hear that? A 'good shift’ – like they was canning beans. I'd rather watch the opposing Supreme Court watchers at the Proposition 8 case. At least they got up to .07 blood alcohol level on both sides of the argument – not quite drunk, but too impaired to safely operate a dental drill."

Loren M. Lambert © March 27, 2013

Soccer Can Be Thrilling

I thought soccer/football (for the non-ordained and uninitiated) was and is a pretty boring game (even more boring than baseball), until I watched the rerun of the end of what I think was a FIFA championship game in Madrid in 2010.

There were at least 20 different types of man hugs, including: group hugs, the side hug, the sandwich hug, the awkward tall and small hug (when one of them has his nose planted into the armpit or belly of the other), the full-on-slow-dancing hug, and the hug-release-hug-release and hug-one-more-time hug. Along with the hugs, there was a combination of butt slapping, back and butt slapping, hair petting, lice grooming, double-barrel-side-to-side cheek-to-cheek air kissing, back-of-head slapping, hand shaking, knuckle-grinding, face squeezing, bald-and-nearly-bald head rubbing, full-face kissing, and cup kissing (the trophy – not the uniform accessory).

To top it off, there was hand-wringing, crying (sad and happy), flag flagellation, ground kissing, liquid squirting, praying, crossing, prostrating, and ground flopping.

All in all, it was very exciting stuff. Don't watch the games. Watch the championship celebrations!

Loren M. Lambert © March 24, 2013

Tour de France Cyclist Confesses

God gave us the only begotten son, and God took the confession of Lance Armstrong’s admission of blood doping. He is our only seven-time, blood-doping Tour de France champion cyclist. While we know the sacrifice of the former was accepted, we have to wait until tomorrow to see if the confession of the latter was accepted.  While we are to forgive seven times seven, only Oprah (according to the tabloid) knows the hearts of men and can bring salvation to the fallen celebrities.

Loren M. Lambert © January 17, 2013

Resolutions For 2013

This year I will:

make the most of fewer means,

extend my time below the surface,

exponentially employ more taste buds,

provide my non-dominate side with more time,

remind mankind by my actions that we all live here,

stand more boldly within the breach,

liberate my abdominal muscles,

and breath more brazenly.

Loren M. Lambert © January 2, 2013

The Cold and Flu Season

I know it's an ignorant thing to say, but sometimes I wish that more people would die of colds and flues so we'd maybe figure out a cure. I mean, we whipped all the “baduns,” journeyed to the moon, and invented microwave popcorn, why not this? I got my flu shot and still got slammed!

Let's cure these colds and flues so you and I don't have to go through this priestly ritual every so often of larynx impalement by a billion little knife-wielding viruses, waking up feeling like we got hit by a gangham-style viral tsunami, then hacking so hard we invert our esophagus. There is more fluid running through my sinuses than in the New York City sewage system. Soon, all that will be left of me is a whimpering earthworm caught too late out on the pavement in the morning sun after a rain storm, wondering if I can wiggle fast enough back into life before I dry out into earthworm jerky, or get squished in the traffic.

Yeah, yeah, I know–it could be cancer or any number of maladies that are way worse; but please just play one of your tiny little violins (just a tiny, teensy-weensy one) for me on this cold, February night – and only for a nanosecond.

Love ya.

Loren M. Lambert © February 7, 2013

If I Were Pope

After attending Mass in the Ukraine, I was asked what I would do if I were the pope. Here’s what I would implement: 1) Silly-Hat Sunday (every first Sunday of the month), when the sermons must be clever, funny, positive, and fun; 2) Free-Fish Friday (for all making below subsistence level); 3) Marriage allowance for all priests and nuns to marry if they choose; and 4) The leasing of all relics and works of art (which are not on display) to fund the fish fry. (We'd lease for the life of the lessee–to the highest bidder, plus insurance.)

I was promptly told I would never be pope. Dang.

Loren M. Lambert © March 23, 2013

Momentous Day In Chernetvi

I finished teaching my favorite class and I am now safe back from Chernetvi, where I was welcomed home by another snowstorm in Lviv. I’m thankful my intestinal fortitude held up on the seven-hour train ride.

It was a momentous day: adventuring in the backstreets, working out at the Titon Gym, eating at an authentic Ukrainian restaurant, and bowling – yes, bowling! – with several Leavitt Institute in Country professionals. I made sure the bowling alley gutters were dust-free a couple of times, and I even had to switch arms when my over-worked right arm cramped up. (Now I know I can't lift weights and then muck it up on the bowling alley on the same day!)

Here is something to remember (although I'll never experience it): "Wine has wisdom, beer has power, and water has bacteria." This is a statement on a restaurant wall. I suspect it might be an overstatement.

Loren M. Lambert © March 21, 2013

I Faced a Foreign Security Guard Without My Papers!

I almost forgot to mention: I got asked for my "papers" (I think) when I left the classroom (where I was teaching) to go to the bathroom without my translator. I experienced a very tense moment with a big impressive-looking security guard with whom I couldn't communicate.  Now, I know what a momentarily and scary thing that can be, even when you are a legal visitor to a foreign country!

Loren M. Lambert © March 20, 2013

Ukrainian Train Rides and Trolleys

I would have paid extra to have had clean windows to watch the Ukrainian countryside roll by on the train. (Isn't that the fun of a train ride?)

Also, I got to experience a wonderfully crowded trolley and bus and be entertained by a rider upset with the snow. Best of all, I got to enjoy suburb Celentine (Ukranian) cuisine. Time to sleep!

Loren M. Lambert © March 19, 2013

Review Of Ukraine

I felt the blessing and the curse of not being able to post on Facebook for a while, but I am back on.

Just so you know, the men still wear Speedos at the pool, here in the Ukraine. (It’s a European custom that goes way back.)  Also, you must wear pool sandals and a pool swimming cap. I almost started a riot because I didn't have one. Now I do.

When eating, I noted that salads are a good bet, bacon is not bacon, dumpling and borscht are great, the portions are perfect, many of the restaurants are fabulous, and the dollar is strong. Don't eat at restaurants that display medieval torture devices as a theme, unless you aren't like me. I suffered nightmares all night afterward.

Most people don't own pets, but there are a ton of very cute, healthy-looking stray dogs in Chernitsvi. Go figure! So, if you can't adopt a child here, you could probably adopt a dog.

Just as in camping, you don't pitch your tent close to the restroom, and you don't book a sleeping compartment on the train next to the latrine (thanks to olfactory saturation, I managed okay).  There is something quite romantic about the sway and clickety-clack of train travel. I get to do it again in a few days. (Oh, and it cost two grivnas to use the train station restroom.)

I hate to make you all jealous, but we got 15 inches of snow yesterday that blew in sideways. Eat your hearts out!  All in all, it’s a beautiful, snowy, yet engaging place.

Oh, and don't lightly whistle in the art gallery. I almost got a fine slapped on me by a dosin.

Sending my love – from Lviv, Ukraine.

Loren M. Lambert © March 16, 2013

Small World In Ukraine (Ukrainians Sing “You Are My Sunshine”)

It's a small, surreal world when you're in a Ukrainian hotel in Chernitzi. Downstairs they are singing a Ukrainian karaoke version of "You Are My Sunshine, My Only Sunshine."

Loren M. Lambert © March 13, 2013

When In The Ukraine...

So far, I have learned: Don't swim without wearing your pool cap, always wear slip-ons/flip-flops in the locker room and pool area, take water with you, and ask for your bill.

Oh, and if you are squeamish, don't eat at a medieval restaurant that features our once-favorite torture methods. It might induce nightmares – especially if you read the information about it in the menu (what is wrong with us sometimes?).

I woke up to snow and taught three classes today. I wish I spoke Ukrainian.

Until tomorrow...

Loren M. Lambert © March 11, 2013

I’m In The Ukraine!

I’m in the Ukraine. Lviv is a quaint, vibrant place that has changed hands more than the Olympic torch. I love it here. I just wish I spoke Ukrainian and didn't have severe jet/brain/sun/bowel/earth lag. I should have it mastered by the time I come home.

Loren M. Lambert © March 9, 2013

Herb Cowan On How Some Would Rather Have a Head-on Collision

"Some folks would rather have a head-on collision than get out of the way of an incapacitated driver, just so they could say they were on the right side of the road when they got smashed all ta h-e-double toothpick. You may think ya don't, but ya do. Capisce?" said Herb Cowan, large vegetable farmer, lawyer, whisperer, and my mentor.

Loren M. Lambert © March 1, 2013

Shallow Breathing

Sometimes, it’s only when you have reached a stage in your life (either due to aging, or ill health), when you can't get by on using half of your lung capacity, that you realize that's what you've been doing.

To be specific: It dawned on me that when I swim – especially with either a back or a breast stroke – I take these shallow breaths. Now, I'm fixing it and it's like a little miracle! I'm now shooting for the senior Olympics. I now more fully realize why they talk so much about breathing in yoga, karate, and other similar disciplines.

It makes me wonder in how many other areas of my life I've been using half my capacity. Time for introspection. You might do the same. You, too, may be only using half of your lung capacity when you swim – literally or metaphorically speaking.

Loren M. Lambert © February 28, 2013

Patriot Politicians vs. Reactionaries

Patriot Politicians: Citizens who try to do what is best for all of their constituents (even those who did not elect them), who craft legislation that does the most good for the most people, who take into consideration the competing interests and all the unintended ramifications, who create balance and harmony, and who minimize expense and harm.

Reactionaries (Utah Cowboy Republicans): Citizens who try to do what is best for their campaign donors or own businesses, who don't give a rat’s ass about anyone else, who craft legislation that does the most good for their own, who take an adversarial stance against any competing interests and never consider the unintended ramifications, and who create polarization, dissonance, undue expense, and harm.

Loren M. Lambert © February 28, 2013

Herb Cowan Says: Don’t Whine If The Dog’s Yer Only Loyal Companion

"If ya let the dog shed, puke, and crap all over and then sleep in yer bed at night, but take the head off of yer significant other fer forgetten to hang up the towel, don't whine if the dog's yer only loyal companion," said Herb Cowan.

Loren M. Lambert © February 28, 2013

Herb Cowan On Stuff You Put On To Smell Good

"While you aren't the stuff you put on to smell good, the fact you did so sometimes means somethin'.” said Herb Cowan, large vegetable farmer, and sage to solicitors.

Loren M. Lambert © February 26, 2013

Minnesota Beat Number 1: Indiana, But We Beat Utah!

My client and I beat the “800-pound,” hard-ass, guerrilla-tactic Salt Lake City prosecutor!

Salt Lake City v. B.C.R., Case No. 111410155:
          Count I: Not Guilty.
          Count II: Not Guilty.
          Count II: Not Guilty.

This was the correct verdict, but not easy to win when facing an 800-pounder with deep pockets (i.e., our pockets)! While my grateful client won, he won’t get reimbursed for his impound and tow fees, plane tickets, lost wages, and attorneys fees; but he should!

Loren M. Lambert © February 26, 2013

The Creative Process and the Oscars (Thank You, Richard Dutcher, for Oscar Night!)

Some believe that to acknowledge uncertainty is to assure its place in our lives; yet here is truth: While there is greatness in most of us, there is tenacity in only a handful to realize their full potential, and there are still a limited few, who, unfettered by poverty, circumstance, and misfortune, succeed above all others and realize not just their own dreams, but our most florid aspirations

I seek to be among them. I have a steadfast confidence that what I offer is worthy of an audience, and capable of greatness.  I do not know if I will ever stand on the summit, but I do not dispel the possibilities.

Regardless, I only acknowledge what we are all so fond of stating: It is the journey, not the destination, that is important. In our realm of excellence, it is the process of creation, not the culmination thereof, that should be hallowed and cherished as much as any pilgrimage to Mecca, transfiguration to some higher state, or nomination for an Oscar.

If we all understood that, there would be no time to disparage, no temptation to exploit, no envy of those above us, nor any compulsion to disdain those who follow below.

I love the creative process. I love how it fills my soul with reverence, awe, and sublime purpose. I love being part of productions filled with those who share this same passion and who recognize that it is the process that must be hallowed.

This does not mean that we invite mediocrity in our work, or that we condone a lack of integrity towards those who share this journey with us. It simply means there is value in what we do, here and now, and that we must honor all who strive with us, who lead the way, and who follow, regardless of any of our final destinations.

Love the process. Love those who share in it with you. Hallow them both, and experience success, here and now.

Loren M. Lambert © February 25, 2013

True Happiness (According to Reality TV)

We all know, because reality TV tells us, that true happiness is a new or remodeled home and that everything else is just a cheap imitation.

Loren M. Lambert © February 24, 2013

Utah Cowboy Republicans Want to Take Your Money and Give It To Their Friends At No Benefit to Utah Taxpayers

In its infinite and schismatic wisdom, our dearly beloved legislature and their unthinking, wacky, right-wing supporters want to do what they despise from the left. They want to do explicitly what they falsely claim President Obama has done: 1) pass H.B. 114, which (it has been warned) will most assuredly be declared unconstitutional (under virtually all approaches to applying the U.S. Constitution), and 2) use Utah taxpayer money to enrich a few of the revolving-door law firms (whose attorneys or their allies circulate in and out of Utah government positions and use these positions to get, for their law firms, Utah State legal business) by paying them several million dollars to fruitlessly defend said bill.

To such, I throw your own advice back in your pallid, catatonic faces: Don't pass an unconstitutional bill. Instead, get private donors to use their own money (charity) to, through legal and ethical means, politic to prevent any gun legislation you dislike and/or to privately challenge any gun legislation in the courts.

If you are determined to do what you claim and hate the left for doing and thereby can't manage to do the right thing and pass H.B. 114, please hire me to defend your unconstitutional bill. I'll charge two thirds of what you will pay your pals. My appellate brief and argument defending the bill will be as scholarly, tendentious, and polished as the several-more-millions-of-dollars brief you'd have your buddies present. And, I will get the same result: H.B. 114 will be declared unconstitutional (but with a million-dollar savings to the taxpayers).

Loren M. Lambert © February 22, 2013

A Biblical Day

Today, I am going to walk on my hands on water, and while in the middle of the storm-tossed sea, I will do a one-tongue push-up. Next, I'm going to turn water into a Noni, Acai, Pomegranate, and heavily caffeinated juice blend. Then, to end my miraculous day, I am going raise long moribund and buried zombieastic goals and ideas, infused and encrusted with memories, from the very grasp and grip of death's wintry grave.

Now, some may think I boast of my own strength, or that I glory in one-upmanship.

But lo, this is not so. It is through Him and by Him through which the power is given – not as a self-indulgent bauble or monastic totem, but as a gift to intone His majesty.

It is of little consequence that the hounds of hell nip at my hobnobbers or that the ravens of Fangorsmiasmas peck at my eyes. It is only with those very same bloodied and bruised heels with which I set my feet upon the mountain shoulders. And it is with those same gouged and weeping eyes, fixed upon the lofty peaks of Olympus, that I commit to do these things in His name and for His ultimate fame. Amen.

Loren M. Lambert © February 22, 2013

Human Twitches

Today, I rubbed my forehead four times, rubbed my eyes eight times, scratched my left butt cheek three times, broke wind only six times (all in the out of doors, and out of earshot of anyone), and almost picked my nose (not really, but I did scratch it once and it looked like I picked it).

Perhaps it’s coincidental, Brad Pitt reported the same activity.

Loren M. Lambert © February 19, 2013

Valentine’s Day Advice

I wish, pray, declare, and cast you all a joyous, erotic, romantic, and fulfilling Valentine’s Day celebration. If you come up short and you're a conservative, you can hope for a little charity. If that falls short, you're on your own. If you come up lacking and you're a liberal, you can apply for a Valentine's subsidy from those who are “over-Valentined.” If you come up wanting and you are a progressive, you can just find the best possible solution to your circumstances, go with that, and make the most of it. Or, you can just call me and I will point you in the right direction.

Happy Valentine’s Day! Make it count!

Loren M. Lambert © February 14, 2013

Happy Valentine’s Day, LGBT Style!!!

As a Lesmirabaphile, Gamma, Biathlete, Transpartisan (LGBT), I have celebrated and am celebrating Valentine’s Day by combining all the pluses and highlights of the electromagnetic, guilford, music, wave, color, zedd, and light spectrums all on one day. It is a glorious celebration of universal proportions. You should try it. Love you all!

Loren M. Lambert © February 14, 2013

After Seeing Colorado’s “Most Beautiful Canyon,” There’s Nothing Else To See!

I went to Colorado's "Most Beautiful Canyon" and saw the Seven Falls. Well, sort of. They were mostly frozen, but beautiful still the same. I went to a few other places afterward, but wondered what the point of that was, since I had gone, first, to the most beautiful.  It was such a let down. I am now, unfortunately, done seeing Colorado.

Never see or experience the most beautiful of anything, first, otherwise you are “done.” You might as well lock yourself in a cedar chest with a smart phone after that, because what’s the point?

Loren M. Lambert © February 10, 2013

Liars Have Considerably More White Brain Matter

Pathological liars or inadvertent liars have considerably more white brain matter than others. This type of tissue allows the connections between the grey matter. The theory is: The greater connectivity allows the brain to, reflexively, race more quickly to a decision in response to an inquiry that would be convenienced by a lie, and the lie feels right because the brain produced it so quickly.

Now, all we have to do is come up with an inexpensive way to measure the quantity of white matter compared to gray.

Loren M. Lambert © February 9, 2013

And God Said: Let There Be Silence – and So There Was

I lost my voice the last couple of days, which is an awkward situation for an attorney – especially when on the road on business. It's like a rattlesnake without his rattle, a vulture without his bald head, or a weasel without his teeth. It is an interesting situation to go through. I went through a similar such experience at age twenty-four, when I lost my health for about two years. I learned things that I couldn't learn any other way (e.g., how our physicality is all balled up in who we are, and how we can learn to find other ways to express and project ourselves). In such situations, we either give in to despair or we discover new joys and different interests. Nevertheless, the pain of loss endures–that longing for what we had and who we were.

I learned how people can be so irrationally cruel and others can be abundantly kind. A stewardess was instantly upset when she couldn't understand my beverage request. A waiter was  noticeably disturbed when I tried to order. (I have an important hearing this coming Tuesday and it will be interesting to see how it will go with the judge if I can't speak.)

The most important thing I learned is that there are many who don't recover after two years, like I did, or who don't regain their voice after the illness has passed. These people experience the irrationality of others and the pain of loss for far too many days of their lives.

Don't be the one who takes offense at their inability to be "whole." Be the compassionate one who neither condescends nor becomes impatient, but who engages, extends a hand of fellowship, and accepts.

Loren M. Lambert © February 9, 2013

How Do You Want to Die?

In a radio lab segment I listened to today, a doctor confessed that doctors are not very good at explaining the futile to patients and family members. The presentation also compared what most doctors would choose in the last months of life and it is 180 degrees different than what others would choose.

For example, 80 percent of doctors say no to CPR as a life-saving matter. Why? In the movies and on TV, 70 percent of those getting it survive. The reality is, only 8 percent survive. And of those, only about one third experience a good recovery.

One doctor had a practice of asking all his patients, “How do you want to die?” because it was the one inevitable situation facing everyone, and only about 10 percent of the populace plan at all.

So, how do you want to die? If you say, quick and as painless as possible, realize that is the lie we tell ourselves.  The reality is (as another doctor on the program stated): We subject a dying person to procedures that would be deemed the most horrific of tortures, only to lengthen life a few days or months.

Where do most doctors want to die? Guess what – not in a hospital.

How do you want to die? It's inevitable, so why not face it?

Loren M. Lambert © February 4, 2013

What Gold’s Gym Gives Me

Almost everyday, Gold's Gym gives me that ecumenical sanctification benediction: From the time I walk out, and then enduring for almost an entire hour, I feel almost, invincibly, 17 again. This sensation slowly tapers off until I either accidentally confront a mirror, pass by an actual 17-year-old, or try to hurdle a Volkswagon.  It sure is sweet while it lasts. Life is good. Just don't tempt me with a Volkswagon or bring a mirror to the party.

Loren M. Lambert © February 2, 2013

I Was A Homegrown, Salt Lake City, Blond Jean Claude Killy

I love feeling little because the snow piles are big – just like old times, trudging through the gully to Canyon Rim. I wore my waxed and shined-up penny loafers, sporting shiny dimes (instead of pennies), and prepared to make history without knocking out my teeth or sustaining a concussion on the big hill. (Penny loafers were once the original, skinny, short skis with their own home-grown Salt Lake City, blond Jean Claude Killy, in a wake of sparks, snow, and a little music from Milli Vanilli.)

Loren M. Lambert © January 30, 2013

When Darkness Is Closing In On You

When your lungs are screaming for air, your head is pounding, and you have that sick oppressive feeling that the darkness is closing in on you, albeit you know you have a full measure to go before you surface and gulp the life-giving air, remember this: It's your gut you must calm, not your head, because that part of your whole has already slipped beyond retrieval. Try it and you'll find I'm right.

Loren M. Lambert © January 29, 2013

Love of Blood More Alluring Than Simplicity of Peace

The western world created the State of Israel many decades ago. Why is the thought of a Palestinian state such a difficult concept to envision? The love of bloody noses and skinned knees is more alluring than the placid simplicity of peace.

Loren M. Lambert © January 18, 2013

Snow, Shoveling, and Superman

There is thunder and snow, then blue skies, then rain. Then, we are slammed by snow, then ice forms underneath, then “Arrrrrrrrgh!”  I don't want to shovel! Why? Stratospheric warming and disruption of the arctic vortex – almost like superman left his home.

By the way, I am the Arctic Vortex.

Loren M. Lambert © January 27, 2013

Let Them Die or Tax Them To Hell, Says Mike Strobe

In the Salt Lake Tribune, Mike Strobe wrote: "Annual healthcare costs are roughly $96 billion for smokers and $147 billion for the obese, the government says. These costs accompany sometimes heroic attempts to prolong lives, including surgery, chemotherapy, and other measures."

Somewhat as food-for-thought, he indicated that since socialistic engineering of remedies are rebelled against and have unintended consequences – besides restricting individual liberties – he suggested we just let certain people die. I guess we could put tattoos on their heads stating, "Do Not Treat Tobacco or Fat-Induced Diseases."

In this spirit, according to Mike, the Obama health plan does allow increases in premiums for smokers. But absent social engineering, perhaps we should let die, or tax to hell, all "personal-choice," malady-causing behaviors (e.g., engaging in X-game or high-impact sports, swilling bacon ice cream, live rattlesnake preaching, great white shark tipping, piranhas petting, etc.).  But wouldn't that just put us all in that high-tax bracket? I mean, haven't we all done a little great white shark tipping?

Anyway, just food-for-thought.

Loren M. Lambert © January 27, 2013

Responding To Greetings

Unless you have a pecuniary or amorous relation with the person asking, "How are you?" keep in mind it is just a two-word addition to the salutation, "Hi." Your response should not top this three-word investment.

Loren M. Lambert © January 26, 2013

"There's No Blood Doping Police In Bed" (Lance Armstrong's Bonus Chapter on Amazon.com)

I was going to demand a refund for the Lance Armstrong autobiography I bought my son for Christmas a few years ago, but since we now know the whole story (as noted below), and we can derive the full benefit from his experience, we decided to keep it

"There's No Blood Doping Police In Bed," or "How To Run An Effective Blood Doping Program to Enhance Your Sexual Prowess," are Armstrong’s Bonus Chapters to his autobiography, on sale on Amazon.com.  Armstrong indicates that it really does work on the bike and in bed (even with only one testicle), and so far, nobody gets ordered to give a urine sample after a good hill climb of Ms. Pyrenees in the sack.

The proceeds of Armstrong’s book will go to fight cancer, with the remaining proceeds to make amends for the cancer inflicted on the cycling world.

Live strong and get your "Live Stronger Than Armstrong" wrist bands today!

(Note: Lance, if you come to read my feed as you often do, know that I forgive you and still admire your cancer survivorship. Too bad we won't know how great you were without the EPO [blood doping].)

Loren M. Lambert © January 26, 2013

LDS General Authority, Elder Larry Echo Hawk, Praises President Obama

After receiving an award from the J. Reuben Clark Law Society this evening, Elder Larry Echo Hawk, member of the First Quorum of the Seventy of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, referred to President Obama as a U.S. leader who would go down in history as doing the most to advance the well-being and rights of the Native American populace, in four years, than any other president and would thereby elevate the status of our nation because "great nations, like great leaders, should keep their promises."

Loren M. Lambert © January 25, 2013

Justice Sonia Sotomayor

I’ve had the privilege of listening to two different interviews of Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor. What a gem of a human being: intelligent, humble, masterful, well-spoken, and a superior representative of this country. She has all the strengths of her fellow Supreme Court justices, yet none of the hubris, haughtiness, nor wounded disdain that a few of them bear. She reconfirms a belief I have gained through my experience: Those who opine that the government should not or cannot be a reflection of the diversity of our populace have either been blinded by their own prejudices (both conscious and subconscious) or have not sojourned beyond their own limited vision and insular set of acquaintances.

Loren M. Lambert © January 23, 2013

All Work and No Creative Writing or Snow Angel-Making Makes Loren ... Scream!

All work and no creative writing or snow angel-making makes Loren not only a dull boy, but makes him want to pull out all his hair, shred his clothes, and run down Wall Street and Main Street screaming (not pretty – as known by the few who have witnessed it). 

Loren is only currently restrained by the low-digit temperatures that would cause his pathetic little chest ornaments and other accoutrements to freeze and shatter upon contact with any object. Whereas, the creative writing and snow romps are a wonder to behold – and actually one of the seven wonders of his world.

Therefore, be it decreed, by both the Utah and U.S. legislatures, that the world would do well to give him back his play before he's forced to bust it from its chops. Please, for the love of Pete and of Penny, and all that is holy and good – do this!

Loren M. Lambert © January 20, 2013

Marketing of Sex and Fear

The marketing of sex is good, but the marketing of fear is better, and a constitutional clause of the second amendment is the big red cherry atop the arm dealers’ fearless brows. And while there was a run of guns, there was no run on condoms when Mitt Romney and Rand Paul were on top for their fifteen minutes of fame.

Loren M. Lambert © January 19, 2013

This Vet Needs a Miracle

I need a miracle tomorrow. I overran my allotment of miracles for last year and do not have any coming.

Could anyone spare a fellow American, who is down on his knees, a small miracle? I'm here at the Salt Lake City 7200 S. I-15 off-ramp, holding my sign. All you have to do is roll down that window and slap a “miracle” in my palm and you will never see a more joyful, needy vet of the I Corp JAG Defense Command of the Gulf War.

Please.

Maybe you can even spare a hug, and when appropriate, one of those cheek kisses – that is, upper cheek kisses, nothing fancy – just to the side so I can hear the sound of it to remind me of those long-lost days when people loved their soldiers and America still had a top AAA rating on its borrowing rate.

Loren M. Lambert © January 18, 2013

Despotism Arises From All Sectors of Society

We are no more likely to be robbed of our freedom by jack-booted thugs from the "government" above us than by joe-booted thugs from the neighborhoods that surround us. The way people conveniently love to use the Nazis as the paradigm for how things always go to hell in a hand basket make it seem that they were alien invaders. To the contrary, they arose from the German citizenry.

Similarly, Pol Pot, Chairman Mao, and Lenin didn't come from organized government – they overthrew governments. Despotism has arisen from all sectors of society. Don't forget that, as we embrace all the law-abiding gun owners of the NRA.

Loren M. Lambert © January 17, 2013

Loren Lambert Film Festival

I'm accepting entries into the Loren Lambert film festival.

Send thirty bucks, a film, and a prayer, and I will send you a nice note if your film is not selected. I promise. We accept anything, no holds barred. If your film is selected, you'll be given a nice room to sleep in next to the film venue, as well as pool table access and a spaghetti dinner. I'll even let you take the dog for a walk.

Loren M. Lambert © January 15, 2013

People Who Are Attracted To You

People who are attracted to you because you cherish who you are (thereby infusing your body and soul with beauty), and thereby experience your joyful heart and gracious spirit (if of like mind) will, only then, be forever entwined side by side.

Loren M. Lambert © January 14, 2013

Secret to Happiness: Survive a Catastrophe & End Up on Island with Only Five Choices for a Mate

Barry Swartz, psychologist phenom of the TED circuit, says that an abundance of choice, rather than liberating us, leads to paralysis and an escalation of unattainable expectation. For instance, studies have shown that in companies where there are lots of pension/savings plans from which to choose, people become so bogged down with trying to decide which is best, they just give up. Also, when people do chose among numerous overwhelming options, they are less satisfied afterwards, and always worried they could have done better. Eventually, they become despondent, because deep in the recesses of their minds, they believe they could have done better.

This happens to me all the time--especially on Facebook. I get bombarded with messages of, “Free [this]!” “Go to this event!” “Do [this]!” “Vote for me on [this]!” “Just click [this] and you’ll win your dream wedding and peace will break out all over the world!”–all to the point where I just freeze up, knowing that out of all those many choices, I’ll never figure out the right one to pursue and will miss the one event that could have made me rich, forever young, and always satisfied. Now, when I do pick some event, or buy something, or spend my time voting for one person’s cause and didn’t have time to vote for the other person’s cause (or even mine!), I always sulk, wondering if I did the right thing, just like Swartz warns.

Now, it strikes me: The real problem with the breakdown of marriage in the modern world is not Monday Night Football, drinking too much soy, gay marriage, fast cars, or faster women and men. The problem is too many actual or imagined choices that we have for mates. Long ago, when there were five possible mates in your village (and you knew of no others who existed, or could even imagine existed), you knew who the “best” one was. If you didn’t capture the “best” one, you knew why you didn’t and why someone else did, and you knew you had to live with it, both metaphorically and actually.

According to Swartz, the moral of the story is to hold low expectations (or realistically modest ones). That would mean living on a small, isolated island with five choices for a spouse–and to be really grateful for those limited choices, especially after having survived a catastrophe.

Let's plan today. Here are your choices . . .

Loren M. Lambert © January 12, 2013

Let's Fake Something Big

When I was in Spain, studying at the University of Sevilla, a number of my Spanish friends thought the U.S. had faked the moon landing–that it was all Hollywood. It made me chuckle. However,  having seen The Impossible (which I saw with my favorite daughter), I think with today's technology in film production, we could fake anything. This movie was more real than the actual event. It was incredible! The only thing I didn't believe was the plane turbulence.

So, I think we should go for it: Give everyone something much grander to say we faked. What should it be? Think big. In the meantime, we need to get that turbulence thing fixed.

Loren M. Lambert © January 12, 2013

The Heave Ho

I got booted off a “Facebook friend island” by a very talented, beautiful, gorgeous, vocal acquaintance. I admittedly offended her sensibilities by using “damn,” “hell,” and “condom” all in the same sentence to make an ironic, sarcastic remark about liberals. I thought someone like her would think what I wrote was well-stated, but she, being more polite, probably thought it best for others like Ann Coulter to say. This is probably not the first time getting booted has happened to me, but it was the first time I was told about it. I feel bad because, truth be told, I like hearing divergent views, and I don't like offending others – usually – at least not when I didn't intend to offend. Even then, I mostly regret it.

I knew it was over the top for that particular person and I almost resisted, but then I elevated my need to rant over what I knew was in good taste for her. I figured my crudity as befitting her offensiveness – to me. I forgot that the reality is most people post stuff to be confirmed in their positions, not confronted. So, what did I accomplish? Nothing.

However (and you knew there would be a “however”), while some people would use nary a “damn” nor a “hell,” they don't realize that these are just short cuts to the same things they say that are just as jarring and rude. Those expressions are all just dressed up in a suit and tie with white-collar words.

Given the chance to do it all over again, I'd have dressed my ironic sarcasm in a suit and a tie. I would have said the same thing and maybe I would not have lost a friend. It's all about knowing the “dress code” and your audience.

Therefore, I promise when I post on your page, I'll try to “wear the proper attire.” If I get it wrong, accept my apology and please, just delete my post, tell me about it, and give me a second chance. I learn very quickly and I'll show up the next time properly dressed – whether in a Michael Phelp's Speedo, working clothes, or a James Bond tuxedo.

Loren M. Lambert © January 10, 2013