The Mississippi – like the Amazon, like the Nile, and like a toddler’s running nose – all course along their banks in one giant surging mass of inexorable might, until reaching their deltas, where they branch out into a maze of tangled swamps, pools, channels, and morasses. This is also true of Salt Lake City’s State Street as it moves into Draper.
All travelers should be warned of this fact when they use State Street as a means of escape around a clogged I-15, with a multi-car accident at 13200 South. The City of Draper planned its road layout to trap the unwary into dining at multitudinous restaurants, or shopping at novelty stores. Moreover, when you think you finally made it out of Draper, its many roads curve around and bring you back into the heart of restaurantville. This is what happened to us at the start of our journey. Instead of being well on our way to Canyonlands National Park and the Island In The Sky, we found ourselves eating salads at Zupas. My salad would’ve been really good if it hadn’t been saturated in “syrup”(a.k.a. dressing). Today’s dressings consist of so much sugar, they resemble the maple syrup I used to pour on my pancakes. Could it be that while we would never admit soaking pancakes in syrup for dinner, we can rightfully drench our salads in “dressing?”
On the way to the Island in the Sky, we passed several street vendors hawking the best fresh buffalo, deer, beef, and squirrel jerky. These stands always seem to attract buyers; but I wonder: What is “fresh” jerky? Can you get it rare, medium, and well done? Is it fresh when it is well done? Is it fresh because they pull it off the roadkill? (This would make sense, because on our trip down, we saw a dead cow at the side of the road, outside the enclosure of the place they were selling the jerky [just south of Wellington]. On our way back through that area, the cow was bloated, with belly, hoofs and udders facing up.)
I’ve never heard anybody brag about the really fresh beef jerky they were eating over the weekend at a roadside vendor. So, for those of you who habituate these “fresh,” jerky stands, please rate the jerky: On a scale of 1 to 10 (one being jerky that sat on the bottom of a back packer’s pack for a year, and 10 being jerky that has just been jerked from a slab of raw meat), how fresh is it? Also, is it as “fresh” as Costco jerky, except with a hint of the smell and taste of repackaging "seasoning?" And, if you put 10 burly jerky connoisseurs in a taste-testing room together, blind folded them, placed their non-dominate hand in a vat of their favorite hair conditioner, piped in bag pipe music, how many of them could tell squirrel jerky from buffalo jerky. How many of them would admit to having a favorite hair conditioner?
Because of the traffic jam and the State Street river road delta in Draper, Utah, we made it to the Island in the Sky area of Canyonlands and there was no room at the inn. This is because national parks are run on an egalitarian model. Instead of either increasing the number camping spots or raising prices, camping spots go to those with reservations or are the first to show up. Luckily (or maybe not), because its unregulated, late comers like we were, can camp for free, in an almost wild west free-for-all, on BLM land outside the park. I say, crank up the capitalism. Charge a competitive rate in the park and charge all campers enough to maintain and police the BLM use.
The next morning, we checked into the visitors’ center to get the upload on the Upheaval Dome hike on the Syncline Trail. This is a trail that goes in a huge circle around a massive crater that was either caused by an asteroid or a salt dome. (Lynn and I conclusively determined it was created, not only by both an asteroid and a salt dome, but by a hot spring that aliens frequented.) By any means, it is an awesome geologic landmark that intrigued me when I first saw it in a fly-over on my way to Atlanta. Follow the green river on Google and look for it a bit northwest of Moab. It is awesome – unless you’re hiking it, and then it's just a presence you know is there, but can’t quite see.
I asked the ranger about the Upheaval Dome hike. She checked me over with that you-don’t-look-like-you’re-in-the-prime-of-life look and asked me if I had a Will. I said yes, and then she told me, “Be aware that most of the rescues we have to make in the park are usually on that route, and we usually get there before the vultures, but not always, and there are a lot of them, so you might want to send a “before” photo to your loved ones. Here, read this paragraph in the park guide and if you still go, it’s at your own risk.” The pamphlet stated, “Strenuous primitive route around Upheaval Dome crater (8.3 miles). Spur trail to crater center (3 mi/4.8 km). It is not just up hill, both coming and going, but scorpions line the way, the sun (when it shines), will make you feel like you are hiking through a brick oven, and when it rains there is almost no accessible high ground to scramble to from the multiple flash floods. Finally, there is so much of an altitude drop and gain, it’s even too steep for helicopters.” Perfect. We went at our own risk.
Surprisingly, we survived it. How? We worked our amazing big toe muscles, used bionic walking poles, soaked in cool pools of bacteria and bug-infested waters, and on the way, tasted a few yucca blossoms that are, as warned, tasty, but astringent. Most important to surviving this hike, however, was that we walked like a chimpanzee. Seriously! I read that our hips and legs are sometimes more evolutionarily suited to sashay a bit, so use those hips men. Seriously, I think I resolved a few issues by doing this. It was easier on my knees and my hips. Try it!
At the end of our epic hike (and it was grueling!), we came upon three, truly amazing, tough women from Durango, Colorado. Two of them were pretty exhausted. We gave one, Brittney Wolda (who could probably hike the legs off of most back packers), a ride to her car at the Alcove Trailhead so they didn’t have to add another mile to their trip should she return to pick up her companions. They had traveled about 18 miles in two days, with heavy back packs. Toughest hikers I’ve met in a long time.
The next day, we hiked the Overlook Trail to two overlook areas of the crater and the dome, which was a total of about 1.8 miles. It was an overcast day, but at those two points, you could see more of the crater and dome than in our massive hike. Some things, like the Upheaval Dome, Kennecott Copper mine, and Donald Trump’s orange hair, simply look better from space. So skip the 8-12 mile climb around the Dome and just go to the overlooks.
Does life have just an overlook? Unfortunately not. So hike on, fair warriors!
Loren M. Lambert, © May 17, 2016
All travelers should be warned of this fact when they use State Street as a means of escape around a clogged I-15, with a multi-car accident at 13200 South. The City of Draper planned its road layout to trap the unwary into dining at multitudinous restaurants, or shopping at novelty stores. Moreover, when you think you finally made it out of Draper, its many roads curve around and bring you back into the heart of restaurantville. This is what happened to us at the start of our journey. Instead of being well on our way to Canyonlands National Park and the Island In The Sky, we found ourselves eating salads at Zupas. My salad would’ve been really good if it hadn’t been saturated in “syrup”(a.k.a. dressing). Today’s dressings consist of so much sugar, they resemble the maple syrup I used to pour on my pancakes. Could it be that while we would never admit soaking pancakes in syrup for dinner, we can rightfully drench our salads in “dressing?”
On the way to the Island in the Sky, we passed several street vendors hawking the best fresh buffalo, deer, beef, and squirrel jerky. These stands always seem to attract buyers; but I wonder: What is “fresh” jerky? Can you get it rare, medium, and well done? Is it fresh when it is well done? Is it fresh because they pull it off the roadkill? (This would make sense, because on our trip down, we saw a dead cow at the side of the road, outside the enclosure of the place they were selling the jerky [just south of Wellington]. On our way back through that area, the cow was bloated, with belly, hoofs and udders facing up.)
I’ve never heard anybody brag about the really fresh beef jerky they were eating over the weekend at a roadside vendor. So, for those of you who habituate these “fresh,” jerky stands, please rate the jerky: On a scale of 1 to 10 (one being jerky that sat on the bottom of a back packer’s pack for a year, and 10 being jerky that has just been jerked from a slab of raw meat), how fresh is it? Also, is it as “fresh” as Costco jerky, except with a hint of the smell and taste of repackaging "seasoning?" And, if you put 10 burly jerky connoisseurs in a taste-testing room together, blind folded them, placed their non-dominate hand in a vat of their favorite hair conditioner, piped in bag pipe music, how many of them could tell squirrel jerky from buffalo jerky. How many of them would admit to having a favorite hair conditioner?
Because of the traffic jam and the State Street river road delta in Draper, Utah, we made it to the Island in the Sky area of Canyonlands and there was no room at the inn. This is because national parks are run on an egalitarian model. Instead of either increasing the number camping spots or raising prices, camping spots go to those with reservations or are the first to show up. Luckily (or maybe not), because its unregulated, late comers like we were, can camp for free, in an almost wild west free-for-all, on BLM land outside the park. I say, crank up the capitalism. Charge a competitive rate in the park and charge all campers enough to maintain and police the BLM use.
The next morning, we checked into the visitors’ center to get the upload on the Upheaval Dome hike on the Syncline Trail. This is a trail that goes in a huge circle around a massive crater that was either caused by an asteroid or a salt dome. (Lynn and I conclusively determined it was created, not only by both an asteroid and a salt dome, but by a hot spring that aliens frequented.) By any means, it is an awesome geologic landmark that intrigued me when I first saw it in a fly-over on my way to Atlanta. Follow the green river on Google and look for it a bit northwest of Moab. It is awesome – unless you’re hiking it, and then it's just a presence you know is there, but can’t quite see.
I asked the ranger about the Upheaval Dome hike. She checked me over with that you-don’t-look-like-you’re-in-the-prime-of-life look and asked me if I had a Will. I said yes, and then she told me, “Be aware that most of the rescues we have to make in the park are usually on that route, and we usually get there before the vultures, but not always, and there are a lot of them, so you might want to send a “before” photo to your loved ones. Here, read this paragraph in the park guide and if you still go, it’s at your own risk.” The pamphlet stated, “Strenuous primitive route around Upheaval Dome crater (8.3 miles). Spur trail to crater center (3 mi/4.8 km). It is not just up hill, both coming and going, but scorpions line the way, the sun (when it shines), will make you feel like you are hiking through a brick oven, and when it rains there is almost no accessible high ground to scramble to from the multiple flash floods. Finally, there is so much of an altitude drop and gain, it’s even too steep for helicopters.” Perfect. We went at our own risk.
Surprisingly, we survived it. How? We worked our amazing big toe muscles, used bionic walking poles, soaked in cool pools of bacteria and bug-infested waters, and on the way, tasted a few yucca blossoms that are, as warned, tasty, but astringent. Most important to surviving this hike, however, was that we walked like a chimpanzee. Seriously! I read that our hips and legs are sometimes more evolutionarily suited to sashay a bit, so use those hips men. Seriously, I think I resolved a few issues by doing this. It was easier on my knees and my hips. Try it!
At the end of our epic hike (and it was grueling!), we came upon three, truly amazing, tough women from Durango, Colorado. Two of them were pretty exhausted. We gave one, Brittney Wolda (who could probably hike the legs off of most back packers), a ride to her car at the Alcove Trailhead so they didn’t have to add another mile to their trip should she return to pick up her companions. They had traveled about 18 miles in two days, with heavy back packs. Toughest hikers I’ve met in a long time.
The next day, we hiked the Overlook Trail to two overlook areas of the crater and the dome, which was a total of about 1.8 miles. It was an overcast day, but at those two points, you could see more of the crater and dome than in our massive hike. Some things, like the Upheaval Dome, Kennecott Copper mine, and Donald Trump’s orange hair, simply look better from space. So skip the 8-12 mile climb around the Dome and just go to the overlooks.
Does life have just an overlook? Unfortunately not. So hike on, fair warriors!
Loren M. Lambert, © May 17, 2016
No comments:
Post a Comment